DARK MATCH
KASON KREED vs. VICTOR JUSTICE
In a match before the the pay per view gets underway, Kason Kreed and Victor Justice do battle in the center of the ring. Kreed is out first, showing a weird demeanour, looking over his shoulder and keeping an eye out for someone or something. He is followed out by Victor Justice, who confidenly struts to the ring, climbs up the steps and enters inside.
Once the bell rings, Kason Kreed and Victor Justice meet in the ring, with Kreed taking control of things, wearing Justice down with some fast paced moves, such as a Russian legsweep and spinebuster. He even goes for a Boston Crab, but Victor is able to reach up and throat thrust him, knocking him backward.
For a bit, Victor Justice goes on the attack, but it's quickly thwarted by Kreed, who stops the attack with an exploder suplex to the floor. Both he and Justice go flying to the outside, with Kreed showing zero respect for his or his opponent's body.
Out on the floor, Kason Kreed throws Victor Justice into the ring railing and sacrifices his body by diving in after him, crushing him against the steel railing! Slamming Victor on the floor with a Reverse DDT, Victor climbs back onto the apron and leaps off, nailing a diving headbutt from the apron to the floor!
Eventually, the action spills back into the ring, with Kason Kreed still having complete control. After nailing Victor Justice with a roaring elbow and doubling that with a spike-piledriver, Kason picks him up, standing headscissors him and complements that with a double-underhook. Seconds later, he has Victor held up and brought back down, nailing The Kreed.
Covering Victor Justice, he hooks his leg...
...1...2...3!
Getting the easy victory, Kason Kreed excites the hometown fans that are still getting to their seats to enjoy the show. Showing no signs of pain, Kason Kreed hops out of the ring and walks to the back, doing a job well done.
WINNER: KASON KREED
Corey Page: All alone this Christmas. All my friends are gone. Morgana? Destroyed me. Chris Extreme? Kidnapped or has wandered off or something. Mike Phantasy? A broken man. Tony Millennia? Dead. Nikita? Disappeared off the face of the planet and has possibly ventured into a parallel universe. Even Jake Norton is unable to be here, due to his injury. I'm all alone. So alone. So very, very alone.
He turns his head, looking at the cameraman.
Corey Page: Friends? Who needs 'em. Family? Fuck 'em. We're born alone and we all die alone.
Well, he certainly isn't the old, cheery Corey Page of yesteryear, that's for certain.
Corey Page: Even my body has abandoned me!
He tries to kick his legs. Due to paralysis, there is no movement.
Corey Page: Can't move my legs. Can't move my arms...
He goes to move his arms. At first, his fingers flinch and his eyes widen. Soon, his atrophied arm begins to rise off the wheelchair. A look of surprise flushes over his face.
Corey Page: They're... they're...
Both arms are now moving, albeit very slowly and with minimum strength.
Corey Page: They're moving!
He holds his arms up, looking at them, in complete awe.
Corey Page: It's a Christmas miracle! It's a miracle! I can move my arms!
Like a raving lunatic, Corey Page pulls himself away on his wheelchair, speeding past the cameraman.
Corey Page: Get the fuck out of my way, shitdick. I've got a pay per view to look over. Have "A Merry Christmas"! God bless us... everyone!
The cameraman views Corey Page roll away, his feeble arms pushing himself along.
Ho, ho, ho...
"Dashing through the snow..."
Christmas carols play on the speakers and the camera opens inside of the mall in Erie, Pennsylvania. Strobe lights are flashing everywhere, sparklers are going off and the fans are in an uproar, as they stand around the ringside area, ready for the action to commence.
Lex Robinson: Welcome, everyone, to "A Merry Christmas", the nicest pay per view of the year!
Steve Hebert: And the most festive. Here's hoping the Grinch visits each and every one of you turds this year, as well. Hoping for some cancer in your stocking.
Lex Robinson: We have big news to start the show, too.
Steve Hebert: Some awful news.
Lex Robinson: We're supposed to start the night with the World Title Cage Match, but Jake Norton suffered a severe leg injury at the hands of Teresa Quaranta.
Steve Hebert: That no-good, manly slut. She needs to do what's best for her: that being taking a deep dicking, like a champ. None of that goddamn ninja shit she pulled against Jake Norton and his security.
Lex Robinson: His security squad is now gone... and, well, so is Jake Norton. He's out of tonight's event. No World Title shot. No main event. He's out, period.
Steve Hebert: This is the worst news, ever. Christmas is officially ruined.
Lex Robinson: Let's not overreact here. It's only Jake Norton.
Steve Hebert: But he was making everything so nice around here. Those times he beat Stevie Swing were amazing. So nice, indeed. Awww... nice.
Lex Robinson: I hope someone gives you sanity for Christmas.
Steve Hebert: Now that's not nice. Jake Norton would not approve.
There's a steel cage setup around the ring, prepared for the opening contest. Before anything happens, though, "Hero" by Skillet plays on the speakers. Everyone's attention turns towards the entrance, watching as Jake Norton comes crippling out onto the entrance, using two crutches to help him walk. By his side are Redmaine and Deicide Anthony Elverum, who silently walk down with him and help him into the ring, entering the caged structure.
Steve Hebert: Oh no, this is so sad and awful. Jake Norton can barely walk. Why would such a bad thing happen to such a nice person?
Lex Robinson: Yeah, because hypocrisy, patronizing, condescension and Orwellian thought control is so nice.
Steve Hebert: Hey, it has its perks.
Lex Robinson: It's sickening.
Steve Hebert: At least he showed up to announce his resignation from the match. That counts for something, right? If not, then it should! It's respectable!
The microphone is handed over to Jake Norton, who takes his spot in the ring, alongside Redmaine and Deicide. As he goes to speak, the fans pour in a bevy of jeers at them.
Steve Hebert: Listen to these disrespectful morons. How dare they boo Jake Norton and his clan! He broke his friggin' leg for them!
Lex Robinson: Don't you think "friggin'" is a little risque?
Steve Hebert: I'm not a good guy like Jake Norton. I am a bad person that deserves to be punished, unlike Jake, who deserves the World Title and should be facing that venomous wench, Stevie Swing. Because of Teresa Quaranta, though, it's all foiled. All of it is ruined!
Lex Robinson: Boo-hoo. His appointed security has been ruining the lives of everyone else, deal with it.
After the jeers die down, Jake Norton begins to speak.
Jake Norton: One would think these people would appreciate my presence after going through all the agony I've been through as of late; but no matter! As the birthday boy, Jesus Christ, would say, "It is easier for Jake Norton to pass through the eye of a needle than for a scumbag like Stevie Swing to enter the kingdom of God".
Lex Robinson: Uhm, when the hell did he say that?
Steve Hebert: As Corey Page would say, "Who gives a turkey?"
Jake Norton: Well, now that all of that's out of the way, I suppose we need to discuss a few things about Sin's current predicament.
Norton excitedly says.
Jake Norton: For those of you who didn't tune in to see my recent broadcast on sinwrestling.com, allow me to summarize my absence from the Main Event in three words: God Has Spoken.
He smiles.
Jake Norton: You see, Chris Extreme isn't dying because of his miserable lifestyle; it's because of God. God has been very upset with that large sack of stale crisps for years, and on his son's 2010th birthday, God has decided to take action against the very man that killed him!
Now, he laughs, while Redmaine and Deicide remain quite behind him.
Lex Robinson: What is he rambling about?
Steve Hebert: Shush! Just listen.
Lex Robinson: But it's like listening to a raving madman.
Jake Norton: Christ Carson brought up a very interesting point to me a few weeks back. He told me that even though I've been blessed with the opportunity to carry out God's plan -- save the children's innocent minds -- I was also becoming corrupted by those I've been surrounding myself with.
Jake Norton: And Christ Carson's prophesy is slowly becoming a reality, now that I've repented my early-straying ways. I've gathered five of the most horrific scum in Sin and forced them into battle with four of the toughest of baddies, with nothing but false belief in our "alliance".
Jake Norton: So, to answer your question, Sin Fans: no, I will not, unfortunately, be putting myself in harms way tonight to satisfy your bloodthirsty needs. I am forced to pull out due to injury.
A loud "This is bullshit!" chant breaks out.
Lex Robinson: This we already know. Is he out here to proclaim more lunacy?
Jake Norton: If Chris Extreme can bail on you all because he was ran over by Teresa Quaranta's car and still get loved, then why can't I? I put my body on the line for you sadists and all I ever get is a bunch of vulgar hatred spewed at me, as if I was Adolf Hitler?
A sour puss pulls across his face.
Jake Norton: Can you hear them, Corey Page? This is exactly why you and I need to stick together! Even when the two of us are crippled, the world will still take advantage of us; but not anymore, I tell you! We're going to fight back!
Norton raises his right crutch in the air, as if he was Mel Gibson in Brave Heart.
Jake Norton: They can take away our ability to walk, but they will never take away our DIGNITY! Right, guys? Right?
Jake glances towards both Redmaine and Deicide, nods and expects a nod in reply.
Jake Norton: You guys are going to restrict yourselves to no blood... no violence... no degradation. Right?
Steve Hebert: Well, answer him.
Redmaine and Deicide look at each other, shrug... and they jump Jake Norton!
Lex Robinson: What the hell?!
Steve Hebert: Holy crap!
Lex Robinson: Deicide and Redmaine are punching and pounding away on Jake Norton, inside of that cage! Norton, with his broken leg, is unable to properly defend himself! I don't get it.
Steve Hebert: I... I guess they disagree with Norton's no-blood, no-violence policy. I... I think I agree with them!
Lex Robinson: Ugh. Of course you do.
Redmaine and Deicide continue to beatdown Jake Norton, kicking and stomping him, until he is against the cage, jamming his face against the rungs of the cell. Redmaine lifts Norton up, locks him in a standing Cobra Clutch and holds him for Deicide, who begins kicking and beating on him. In fact, Deicide bounces off the ropes and comes storming back, nailing a running big boot to the skull!
Lex Robinson: Bam! Jake Norton just got booted directly in the skull.
Steve Hebert: While locked in the Cobra Clutch, no less. To make things worse for him, Redmaine heaves Norton into the wall of the cage, grinding his face off it! Oh my God, they're obliterating Jake Norton!
After Redmaine knees Jake Norton in the back of his skull, smashing his face off the steel cage, rubbing his face against it. Running across the ring, Redmaine comes bouncing back, nailing a charging knee against the back of Norton's skull, greeting him face first into the cage!
Lex Robinson: Redmaine with the knee! Norton's face explodes against the cage! Oh my...
Steve Hebert: And Deicide is picking Norton up. All of this after Jake Norton picked him to be on his team, too. But then again, I guess it's Deicide's team, now...
Lex Robinson: Like a dart, Deicide flings a bloodied Norton into the side of the cage! Like a slug, Jake Norton slides down the wall of the cage, in a bloodied mess -- a situation you just know that he hates!
Steve Hebert: Better yet, these fans are completely stunned. They stand and watching Jake Norton get torn apart.
Lex Robinson: Wait...! Here comes Stevie Swing, of all people!
Dressed in her cat attire, Stevie Swing comes running out, carrying a steel chair. She is by herself and is rushing to the ringside area, making the unexpected save for Jake Norton!
Lex Robinson: Stevie Swing has arrived! She is down at the ringside area and is climbing the cage!
Steve Hebert: Fuck that. Redmaine and Anthony Elverum got some business to attend to. She needs to fly to fuck.
Lex Robinson: Not bloody likely. She's on top of the cage, chair in hand and the fans on their feet. She flies off the top of the cage...!
There's a loud crack as Stevie comes soaring down, bashing the chair across the back of Deicide's skull, knocking him absolutely silly!
Lex Robinson: Oh my God! What an absolutely brutal chairshot! Deicide has been absolutely rattled!
Taken off-guard by Stevie Swing, Redmaine steps away from Jake Norton, who lays on the canvas, his face covered in blood and unable to stand to his broken leg. In the meantime, Redmaine steps towards the door of the cage and wisely steps out, taking a delirious Deicide away from him.
Steve Hebert: What is SHE doing here? This was Deicide and Redmaine's time to upstage Jake Norton and show that they want blood; that they want the violence. Come to think of it, fuck being nice. What the fuck was I thinking these past few months? Go fuck yourself, Lex, suck my dick and get cancer, you worthless sack of shit.
Lex Robinson: Well, sheesh. I like the nice Steve Hebert, bring him back.
Steve Hebert: Blow me. God, that felt good.
Lex Robinson: Stevie stands over Jake Norton, who is in absolute surprise and pain, not liking the blood coming down his face. Picking up the chair, she checks on Jake Norton, her enemy, making sure he's okay. Normally, Stevie would spit on him and kick him in the face, but even she had compassion for the beatdown he was receiving. His naivete lead to his downfall.
Steve Hebert: I'd say Teresa Quaranta breaking his goddamn leg was his downfall. That and wanting to be too nice. Fuck being nice.
Jake Norton is helped out of the ring by a referee and Stevie Swing, who aide him in stepping through the cage door. However, before anything else can occur, Horatio Q. steps out from behind the entrance area, ranting like a lunatic.
Horatio Q.: Faggot whore Stevie... hey, faggot whore Stevie! You have no Mr. Kagemusha right now, faggot whore Stevie.
One year after "How the Horatio Stole Christmas", Horatio Q. walks out, amidst a rainfall of jeers.
Steve Hebert: Finally, Horatio Q. has made his presence felt!
Lex Robinson: What the hell does he want?
Dressed like Santa Claus, Horatio stumbles out, wielding a huge grin on his face.
Horatio Q.: You like phase one of Horatio's plan, faggot whore Stevie? I got you where I want, slutty. You a caged little kitty now.
Holding a microphone in one hand, Horatio begins wagging his finger at Stevie, using his free hand.
Horatio Q.: I got you now, motherfaggot of whores. Horatio got you a nice present this year. A nice present just for little Stevie, who tried to sleep with my Tsarmina and ruin my love. In 2010, you saved Horatio Q., only to stab Horatio Q. in back, now you in big, fat trouble. Here's my Christophermas present for you, motherfaggot.
He swings his arm back, pointing towards the entrance.
IT'S TIME
IT'S PORKINS TIME
Lex Robinson: Oh my God...
Steve Hebert: Yes, yes, yes! Horatio Q. is going to destroy Stevie Swing, once and for all!
Lex Robinson: It's Porkins...
Steve Hebert: No, it's WAR PORK, you dolt. It's time for Stevie to die! She better give that World Title a good kiss.
From the back of the mall, Porkins kicks over a pileup of shoe boxes and marches his way towards the ringside area. Along his warpath, he barks at several fans, hollers at them and demand they slap him and strike him, which they all wisely object. Pushing people over, he walks down the aisle, headed straight for the steel cage.
Lex Robinson: It's an early Christmas gift to Stevie, from Horatio. This is pure danger.
Steve Hebert: Early Christmas gift? More like late Hannukah present. Horatio wants to show Stevie Swing some REAL Jewish suffering..
Along the way to the ring, WAR PORK sends random fans flying by tossing them aside. Whenever anyone gets in his path, he flings them to the side, barks at them and slaps his chest several times in a row. Headed towards the cage, he has Horatio pat him on the back and accompany him at the ringside area.
Steve Hebert: Good. Rile him up, Horatio. Make him angry!
Lex Robinson: Like freakin' King Kong or something, War Pork begins scaling the side of the cage, but is pulled back down by Horatio, who wants to direct him towards the cage door. Once there, WAR PORK clutches it and begins to violently shake and rattle it, wishing to rip it off its hinges!
Steve Hebert: Serves that door right. It's finally getting what has been coming to him.
Ripping the door open, WAR PORK enters inside the cage, hollers some more at Stevie Swing, who has backed away, with steel chair in hand. She watches closely, watching as WAR PORK stumbles around, barking loudly; trying to find a good, safe position for herself.
Steve Hebert: Kill her! Kill the cat! Sit on her! All those orders and more coming from Horatio Q.. Quite frankly, I want him to sit on the cat and squish it. Just like one of those dreadful viral internet videos. Better yet, stuff the whore in a bag and toss her off a bridge.
Lex Robinson: Jeez, you're terrible. A budding sociopath.
Steve Hebert: If anyone's a sociopath, it's you, Lex.
Lex Robinson: Oh, really. How so?
Steve Hebert: Because you root for these retards such as Stevie Swing. Horatio Q. is a good fellow, just trying to get revenge on the whore that nearly ruined him.
Lex Robinson: As if selling her to a Japanese businessman wasn't enough.
Steve Hebert: It's her fault for crossing boundaries and trying to cross Horatio.
After some tense moments, the bell rings and WAR PORK charges towards Stevie, hoping to latch onto her and strike her with a clubbing blow. Thinking fast, Stevie ducks beneath his big, burly arms, swings herself around and nails with a sit-down dropkick to WAR PORK's left leg, trying to ground him.
Lex Robinson: And we're officially off! This cage match officially gets "A Merry Christmas" off to a bang. Stevie, right away, steps away from WAR PORK's grasps, knocks him into the side of the cage with a dropkick-to-the-knee and jumps up, only to begin using her newfound Japanese skills to beat away at him.
Steve Hebert: She's turned herself into an anime cat. A friggin' Hello Kitty. She even smells like fish. Even moreso than normal.
Lex Robinson: Proper hygiene is hard sometimes.
Steve Hebert: Not just there; but off her breath. She used to be cool and brash, but ever since crossing Horatio Q., she's been a total nutbag.
Lex Robinson: Well, right now, she's kicking away at WAR PORK, holding him against the side of the cage. Using the cage to help her rise onto the middle rope, she leaps into the air and connects with a kick to the side of his head!
Steve Hebert: Agh. Not cool. WAR PORK is forced to stumble back, still rambling incoherently, but is holding his face. Whipping around, he goes to grab onto her again; but she again shuffles herself around him. Aw, crap, she jumps onto his back, hooking him into a sleeperhold!
Lex Robinson: WAR PORK's arms fluster and whirl about, but it doesn't bring the big man down. This is the same man that easily defeated Trinity in a Gravy Bowl Match and then proceeded to eat the gravy. He isn't going to go down without a fight.
Steve Hebert: He isn't going down, period. As she desperately clings him to him, hoping to make him go to sleep, he diverts her plan and painfully flings her over his right shoulder, throwing her to the ground!
Lex Robinson: Damn!
Before Stevie can get back up, WAR PORK charges in and collides with her, knocking her into the corner. Like a vicious beast, he wildly pounds away on her, pretending she is a piece of beat.
Steve Hebert: WAR PORK is savagely beating away on the kitty. Kill it. She's a cat; and you're the big beast, Porky. You can do it. Grabbing her by the hair, he headbutts her and whips her into the opposite corner. Now he's charging in after her... and squishes her against the turnbuckles! Hell yeah!
Lex Robinson: Instead of letting her fall out, feeling sandwiched, he lifts her up onto his shoulders and charges towards the wall of the cage. He squishes her upside-down against the side of the steel cage and his own stomach! Stevie has had the wind smashed right out of her! Still holding on to her, he turns around and runs to the other wall and smashes her back-first against it! Stepping back, he allows her to fall to the canvas, like slime streaking down a wall.
With Stevie down and against the cage, WAR PORK viciously begins stomping on her, jamming his giant boots into her chest and head, grinding her against the cage wall. The referee moves in, trying to give Stevie some space to recover, but WAR PORK casually ignores his requests and shoves the referee away.
Steve Hebert: Oh no, be careful. You don't want to get disqualified.
Lex Robinson: WAR PORK is teetering on the edge of danger with decisions like that. Nonetheless, he pulls Stevie up to her feet, elbows her several times in the head and places her back onto his shoulders.
Steve Hebert: This is not going to be good for the World Champion. He flings her forward, sending her flying into the wall of the cage, like a spear! Bam! She goes face-first into the steel barrier!
Lex Robinson: The steel structure clangs and rattles as Stevie plops to the canvas, in a rack of pain.
Steve Hebert: From the floor, Horatio Q. is screaming out support for WAR PORK. Horatio, himself, looks pretty awful, as well, despite his Santa garb.
Lex Robinson: There were rumors of him being involved in some sort of plane crash. Luckily, he is okay and is able to attend tonight's event.
Steve Hebert: Thank heavens for that.
Lex Robinson: Unfortunately for Stevie, it also means that WAR PORK is here. Our World Champion is being hoisted up onto WAR PORK's shoulders once again. He goes to throw her like a spear, once again...!
Luckily for Stevie, she is able to regain her wits. As she is launched towards the cage wall, she is able to grab onto the wall and land safely, using the ropes to held her stand. Turning around, she sees WAR PORK charge at her, like a bull.
Lex Robinson: She is able to save herself! Turning around, she reaches up and pulls herself upward, avoiding an incoming attack from WAR PORK, who goes crashing into the side of the cage!
Steve Hebert: Holy Christ on a cracker, WAR PORK almost went straight through the goddamn thing. The wall are shaking worse than a Michael J. Fox.
Lex Robinson: Ugh. Wobbling back, WAR PORK holds his face, allowing Stevie to get back into position and measure him up...
Within seconds, Stevie dives through the air, connecting with a flying hurricanrana, trying to take the big man down. However, her speed and agility is flattened by the massive strength and girth of WAR PORK, who catches her in mid-air!
Lex Robinson: She is caught by WAR PORK, the man formerly known as Porkins! Wait... wait... she tries to bring him down with a hurricanrana!
Steve Hebert: He'll have none of that. He easily powers her back up, positioning her back onto his shoulders. With a gust of speed, he powerbombs her forward, sending her crashing into the steel cage! Owwee!
Lex Robinson: Oooh! That had to hurt!
Steve Hebert: You better believe it did. To make things worse for Stevie, she has WAR PORK stepping back, about to gore her like a bull, into the wall of the cage. He charges...!
Lex Robinson: The pain on her face is evident, but she slips away! He stumbles back, only to have Stevie come up behind him and smashes his face off the cage's wall!
Steve Hebert: Oh God no. She has him against the cage wall and is repeatedly bashing his face off the steel! This is awful!
Lex Robinson: Like a madwoman, Stevie thrashes his face off the cage, even grinding him into it! The fans are fully behind Stevie, who is now standing on the top ropes, using the cage to help her stand. With reckless abandon, she stomps on the back of WAR PORK's skull, smashing his face into that cold, hard, unforgiving steel!
After smashing WAR PORK's face against the cage wall, Stevie pushes herself into the air and comes back down, delivering a double-stomp to the back of WAR PORK's skull, squishing his head against the cage! Jumping down, she begins punching and kicking away at him, with the fans firmly supporting her. Seconds later, she begins unloading on his chest with a mixture of chops, slaps, foreamrms and high-kicks!
Lex Robinson: Using a full burst of momentum, Stevie explodes all over WAR PORK, striking with a fury.
Steve Hebert: Boy, Horatio is hating this.
There's a flash of Horatio on the outside, holding his hands on his head, not liking what his watching.
Lex Robinson: He's going to pull whatever hair he has left out of his old, wrinkly head. He certainly isn't enjoying Stevie European uppercut him, either.
In the ring, Stevie jumping big boots WAR PORK, bringing her foot direct into his mouth.
Steve Hebert: And he certainly isn't going to enjoy this...
Quickly, she elevates herself to the top rope, using the cage wall to help spring her up there. Flying halfway across the ring, she connects with a stiff dropkick to the back of his skull, knocking him chest-first into the opposite corner, leaning against the turnbuckle pads.
Steve Hebert: Oh God.
Lex Robinson: You thought that was bad? This is going to be even worse.
Rushing into the corner, Stevie leaps into the air and nails a jumping forearm across the back of WAR PORK's neck, smashing his face off the cage wall! Allowing for him to stumble out, Stevie quickly hustles up the side of the cage wall, turns around and waits for WAR PORK to face her.
Lex Robinson: She should have just kept climbing. Instead, she opts to focus on delivering more damage to WAR PORK.
Steve Hebert: It's not fair. He wasn't even supposed to be in this match. It's all that Jake Norton's fault! Him and his stupid niceness.
Lex Robinson: She jumps through the air...!
On her way back down to the ring, she brings both of her feet together and uses them to jab into WAR PORK's chest and ride him down to the canvas with a flying double-stomp!
Lex Robinson: Finally! WAR PORK is down!
Steve Hebert: Shit, I think that just caused a Tsunami in Thailand. How awful.
Lex Robinson: The place is shaking. I honestly don't know if it's from the fan support for Stevie or a result of WAR PORK finally being dropped to the ground. Of course, Stevie isn't going to just stop right there. Popping up to her feet, she steps onto WAR PORK's fat belly and uses it to launch herself into the air, landing a picture-perfect corkscrew senton bomb onto him!
Steve Hebert: How dare she. How humiliating.
Popping right back up, she rolls to her feet and proceeds to nail a moonsault onto him! Covering him, she begins to unload on his head with a flurry of punches, hoping to keep him down, but the rotund man keeps coming.
Steve Hebert: WAR PORK is like a goddamn zombie invasion. He doesn't stop coming, whatsoever. He is always coming and always making cumsies.
Lex Robinson: Stevie is back up, though. In fact, she is scratching at his eyes and is now using her tail to choke him!
Steve Hebert: How is this legal? Illegal use of cat. My god, we need a goddamn pitbull right about now. Horatio is flipping out, on the floor!
Lex Robinson: WAR PORK squirms and writhes, trying to breathe. Eventually, Stevie Swing releases the chokehold with her tail, stands to her feet and begins stomping on the former Porkins. As a matter of fact, she kicks him into the side of the cage, where he tries protecting himself from her attacks.
Steve Hebert: I can't believe he's in this position. I didn't think anyone could ever get him in this position, to be honest.
Lex Robinson: Well, he's here and he's being choked by Stevie, who uses her foot to keep him against the cage's wall. She runs to the furthest set of ropes and comes bouncing back, going full-speed ahead... wham!
Steve Hebert: "Last Christmas, I gave you my heart and the very next day, you took it away."
Lex Robinson: No, not the closeted band fronted by George Michaels. I mean "Wham! He got kicked hard in the face with a running boot!"
Steve Hebert: Oh. Oh god, well, that's just terrible.
Lex Robinson: As a result of that shot, his head blasts against the side of the steel cage, completely ringing his bell! Stevie is going to use this opportunity to try and escape from the cage, too.
Pushing herself off WAR PORK's large body, Stevie begins climbing up the wall, going above him. With the fans cheering her on, she reaches the halfway mark of the wall.
Steve Hebert: Damnit, no!
Lex Robinson: She's getting up there...
Steve Hebert: Wait, WAR PORK is rising. I can't believe it! He's rising!
On his feet, WAR PORK grabs onto the cage wall and begins shaking it relentlessly, stopping Stevie in her tracks, resulting in her losing her grip. As a result, she hangs off the side of the cage, using only one hand, dangling for a dear life.
Steve Hebert: Good! She's stopped. WAR PORK is reaching up and is pulling her down, using a handful of her hair. He gives her a devastating clothesline, just to knock her back down! Thank God.
Lex Robinson: And now he drops a mammoth legdrop across her throat! That may have collapsed a lung or injured her voice box.
Steve Hebert: If it means never having to hear her Jew voice ever again, I'm content. He even stifles the cheers of these awful cocksuckers in attendance, too. Lifting her up, laughing at her expense, as she breathes heavily, he picks her up with just one arm. Wow! To be able to lift her fat, plump, juicy asshole up into the air sure is something.
Lex Robinson: You've become delirious, Steve. Simply insane.
Steve Hebert: Hey, I'm not complaining. She's put on a few pounds, but I still like that cat hiney.
With his free arm, WAR PORK flexes and pumps Stevie into the air. Unfortunately, this bravado soon turns into a flaw, as Stevie slides out behind him, lands on her feet and decides to simply kick him in the back of the leg.
Steve Hebert: She escapes! How did she do that, huh? How?! Tell a nigga how!
Lex Robinson: She begins unloading on WAR PORK's left leg, nailing some swift and alternating kicks, making him stumble about. He tries to hold her off by swinging his big, thick arm at her, but she ducks.
Steve Hebert: Jesus, I thought you were describing his cock, for a second there.
Lex Robinson: Right away, she goes back on the attack, striking with more shots to the leg. Running towards the ropes, she jumps onto the middle rope and springs back, connecting with a spinning-kick to his face, sending him stumbling back! In order to bring him down, she needs to repeat what she did before.
Steve Hebert: That being riding him down like a surfboard.
Seeing WAR PORK dazed and still standing in front of her, she bursts towards the ropes and comes storming back. Looking to bring him down with a tilt-a-whirl headscissors, Stevie is surprised when WAR PORK stands his ground, allowing for her to completely whirl around her, allowing her to land on her feet...
Lex Robinson: Massive clothesline by WAR PORK, who stops the attempt at bringing him down! Wow! Stevie does a complete 360 degree flip in the air!
Steve Hebert: I think he may have decapitated her. We have a headless Jew. Aw, fuck.
Lex Robinson: Listen to the jeers pour in while WAR PORK flexes, increduous to these roars. Grabbing Stevie by the roots of her hair, he doesn't give her a second to catch a breather. Scooping her up, he soon drops her back down with a hefty slam, bounces off the ropes and lands a lard senton splash onto him!
Steve Hebert: Broken ribs. That has to be broken ribs. Someone's going to have to scrape that whore off the canvas.
Lex Robinson: What's so sickening is that Horatio Q. is laughing and rubbing his hands together, with sheer delight. This is horrible.
On the floor, Horatio Q. clings onto the cage, barking orders at WAR PORK, who nods his head, while yelling at the audience.
Lex Robinson: WAR PORK marches around the ring, listening only to the orders from Horatio Q.. In an act of disdain, he actually places his boot across her chest... and walks on her.
Steve Hebert: Haha, he does it again, too! He's showing no respect for that tattooed, big nosed whorebag.
Grabbing onto her arm, Horatio yanks Stevie to her feet and furiously heaves her into the wall of the cage!
Steve Hebert: Stevie is flung into the walls, smashing into it, leaving her absolutely turned upside-down. He comes in and delivers some mean stomps to her, as well. God yes, show her that she should never have crossed Horatio. Show that cunt who's the boss; and I'm not talking about Tony goddamn Danza.
Lex Robinson: Ugh. For a second, I thought things were on the up and up for Stevie. Now? I'm not so sure.
Steve Hebert: Of course it's not. She's being brutalized by WAR PORK, who just needs to find a way to escape that cage in order to become the new World Champ. Can you believe it? I never thought that would happen.
Lex Robinson: Now I know how you feel when you want to vomit.
Steve Hebert: Oh, come on. You have to admit that Horatio Q. is a genius. This is all his doing.
Lex Robinson: Yes, that's why I think I'm going to be sick.
Clubbing Stevie across the back a few times, WAR PORK takes some time to fling her back first against the cage, not once -- but twice! Seconds later, he hoists her up into a powerslam position and smashes her against the cage wall, yet again.
Lex Robinson: WAR PORK takes Stevie and heaves her across the ring, like a sack of potatoes. Oh god, she is lifeless, having all oxygen squeezed out of her.
Steve Hebert: I hear WAR PORK was training all week by throwing bags of doorknobs across a football field. Of course, it's just a rumor.
Lex Robinson: I hope he was practicing his climbing skills, as well.
Steve Hebert: He's been watching a lot of King Kong movies, Lex. He's ready.
Lex Robinson: On the floor, Horatio Q. screeches out to WAR PORK, demanding that he begin climbing the cage. Heeding his orders, WAR PORK turns to the cage walls, clings onto it and starts climbing. Oh boy. That better be reinforced.
Steve Hebert: If it isn't, someone in the first row is going to be squished to death. Like that one scene from Final Destination 2.
Slowly, WAR PORK rises up the cage, gravity doing its best to try and ground him. Despite that, he manages to get halfway to the top of the cage, looking like King Kong climbing the Empire State Building.
Steve Hebert: Go, WAR PORK, go! Look at him fly up the side of that cage!
Sitting up, Stevie looks over her shoulder, seeing WAR PORK take his time in climbing. This allows for her to get back to her feet, being aided by the cheers from the fans. Struggling to breathe, she begins to stand, using the other side of the cage to get to both feet.
Lex Robinson: Stevie is up! She sees WAR PORK climbing and is going to act on it. Despite her struggle to get oxygen, she charges towards the side of the cage that WAR PORK is rising. Stevie leaps onto the top rope... and uses it to spring into the air and jump onto the cage wall, landing aside WAR PORK!
Steve Hebert: Oh God, watch out, WAR COCK.
Lex Robinson: Annoyed, WAR PORK swats at her, trying to take her down, like a plane circling a building.
Steve Hebert: Let's hope Stevie Swing is a better flyer than Cory Lidle.
Lex Robinson: She beats on WAR PORK, smashing some fists into his face and bashing his skull off the hard, steel cage! She repeatedly punches at him, trying to pry him off, but to no avail. He holds on tight!
Steve Hebert: Good! Keep climbing!
Lex Robinson: Horatio Q. is horrified, but keeps giving WAR PORK orders. Stevie continues to hang on to him, even grabbing onto his wrists, trying to drag him down... but nothing.
Steve Hebert: It's no goddamn use.
Opening a flesh wound on WAR PORK's forehead, thanks to a multitude of facial shots to the cage, Stevie hangs on to him, hooks him by his head and goes for a Russian legsweep off the cage wall...
Lex Robinson: Super Russian legsweep! Oh my God! Stevie brings WAR PORK down off the cage with a super Russian Legsweep! Oh my God, how did the ring not cave in?! This is insane!
Steve Hebert: Holy fucking fuck! Did you feel that rumble?! She brought him down -- hard!
Lex Robinson: Both Stevie and WAR PORK are laid out on the canvas. Even the referee has his hands on his head, trying hard to believe what he's just witnessed.
Steve Hebert: They are both out. These idiot fans are out of their mind, as well.
The first to rise, after some time, is Stevie Swing, who sits up, breathing heavily. Noticing WAR PORK is still laid out, on his back, his arms spread out as if he were dead. Rolling into the ropes, Stevie begins to rise, grabbing hold of the cage, helping her to stand.
Lex Robinson: Stevie is getting back up. She's been squashed, pancaked and so on; but she continues to fight on. Slowly -- but not as slowly as WAR PORK -- she begins to climb.
Steve Hebert: Ugh. Here's hoping for a sudden stroke.
Lex Robinson: The only person out here privy to a sudden stroke would be either you or WAR PORK, due to how fat you are. Of course, there's Horatio Q. and he isn't getting any younger.
Steve Hebert: Oh God, don't remind me. My arteries are full of chocolate and sweet 'n' sour sauce.
Little by little, Stevie climbs the cage wall. She's about 3/4 of the way up when WAR PORK finally sits up, becoming aware of Stevie's positioning. Letting out a gruff howl, WAR PORK begins to rise, taking some time, and wobbles into the corner, chasing after Stevie Swing.
Steve Hebert: Oh God, hurry up, Porky.
Lex Robinson: With a daze in his footsteps, WAR PORK stumbles towards the cage, grabs onto it and starts climbing again. Uh oh.
Steve Hebert: Not again. Oh Jesus Christ almighty. WAR PORK needs to figure out a way through the cage and not over it.
Looking down, Stevie Swing, who is near the top of the cage, sees WAR PORK climbing after her, reaching out to her. With some fast thinking, she begins kicking his skull and stomping on his hands, trying to keep him down, but he keeps coming.
Lex Robinson: There's no stopping WAR PORK, as he continues climbing. He grabs onto Stevie's ankle, pushing all attempts at blocking him away. Gripping tight, he tries to pull down, but Stevie begins stomping on his forehead!
Steve Hebert: That's not good. She's literally grinding her foot into his bloody face. These shots are knocking him down a few notches, too. Son of a bitch.
Finally knocking WAR PORK off the cage, Stevie looks over her shoulder, seeing him back down on the canvas, still on his feet. Shrugging her shoulders, she decides to take things in her hands and go on the attack, instead of trying to escape. Getting to the top of the cage, she stands atop it, positions herself and looks over her shoulders, measuring WAR PORK up.
Steve Hebert: Please fall and break your neck. C'mon.
Lex Robinson: She's balancing herself. WAR PORK, meanwhile, is standing in the ring, trying to recover. He turns around... and Stevie goes for a 450 splash off the top of the cage! Holy shit!
Steve Hebert: No! He catches her! After all that hangtime, he's able to catch her! Holy God!
Lex Robinson: He powerslams her, turning all momentum into a brutal slam, driving Stevie down into the canvas!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Thank God! Thank fucking God!
Lex Robinson: Horatio Q. is climbing the cage, too. He's yelling at WAR PORK and pointing to the top of the cage. What's he saying? Get the camera closer, someone.
The camera moves closer to Horatio Q., enabling its microphone to pick up his words.
Horatio Q.: Kill her! Kill her!
Pounding his chest like a warrior, WAR PORK stands back to his feet, stomps Stevie Swing and walks towards the cage, getting disdain from the fans. Slowly but surely, he begins climbing, soon reaching all the way to the top.
Steve Hebert: He's up there. He's going to do it. All he has to do is climb down in order to win the World Title! The World Title is coming back home to Horatio Claus!
Lex Robinson: He's on top of the cage. Stevie Swing is not moving. Even so, WAR PORK is balancing himself atop the cage. Will he climb down?
Steve Hebert: Horatio is still yelling at him. He wants WAR PORK to destroy Stevie Swing, destroying her for good. Do it!
On top of the cage, WAR PORK is able to turn around and look down on Stevie, who remains motionless. He whips some blood out of his eyes, howls into the air and gets a loud jeer from the fans. Listening to the orders from Horatio Q., WAR PORK nods his head and makes his decision.
Lex Robinson: He jumps...!
Steve Hebert: AHHHHHHH!
CRASH!
Lex Robinson: Stevie Swing rolls out of the way! Holy shit! What a splash!
Steve Hebert: WAR PORK faceplants in the center of the ring! Furthermore, how does the ring remain standing?! How reinforced is that piece of shit?!
Lex Robinson: I can't believe it! Horatio is mortified. He is howling, screeching and yelling. He's not pleased, whatsoever.
Steve Hebert: I don't blame him. WAR PORK has messed up.
Rolling towards the ropes, Stevie Swing slowly stands, trying to get back to her feet. Taking some deep breaths, she turns around and uses the cage to hold herself up.
Steve Hebert: This is not good.
Lex Robinson: WAR PORK is slowly moving, but it's Stevie that's up to her feet, first. Taking her time, with the fans solidly behind her, she turns and views WAR PORK getting to his feet. She nails The Last Dance, knocking him back against the cage, front first! Taking a few steps back, she darts forward, leaps onto his back and uses this momentum to propel herself into the air, jumping onto the side of the steel cage!
Steve Hebert: No! Awful! Stop this, at once! My God, why is she climbing? Can't she slip and break her Hebrew spine?! Rung by rung, she gets to the top... and WAR PORK is laid out, barely conscious, while he lays against the side of the cage. Wake up, you big oaf!
Lex Robinson: She's at the top, having one of her legs dangling out over the ledge. She's going to do it. All Stevie needs to do in order to retain is to climb down!
With the fans on their feet, Stevie begins to descend, one rung of the cage at a time. Trying her best to remain steady, she goes to climb down, but is accosted by Horatio Q., who rounds the ring corner, trying to keep Stevie from jumping down.
Steve Hebert: Yes! Horatio is stopping Stevie! Thank fucking Christ!
Lex Robinson: What's ironic about all of this is that Stevie is at eye level with WAR PORK, who remains inside of the cage, barely conscious. Meanwhile, Horatio is latching onto Stevie's foot, trying to halt her progress.
Steve Hebert: Good. Don't let that goddamn Heeb jump down, for fuck's sake.
As Stevie struggles with Horatio, trying to free herself, a groggy WAR PORK comes to inside of the ring. Seeing Stevie on the other side of the cage, he becomes frantic. With nothing left to do, he pulls his fist back and aims towards the side of the cage.
Lex Robinson: WAR PORK punches through the cage! Holy crap!
Steve Hebert: Mother of God, he's a mastodon... a beast... a Tyranosaurus Rex!
Lex Robinson: He grabs onto Stevie Swing and is pulling on her! Hell, he's pulling her through the hole he punched in the cage wall!
Steve Hebert: May as well. It's the fastest and easiest way to get her back inside. Why the hell not?
Lex Robinson: Clubbing away at Stevie Swing, a bloodied WAR PORK uses this sudden surge in energy to hoist her into the air, pressing her overhead. He's flinging her towards the cage...!
Steve Hebert: Like a goddamn cat, she lands on her feet, able to cling onto the cage wall! This allows her to leap over WAR PORK, bounce into the opposite set of ropes and come storming back...
Lex Robinson: John Woo Kick! A move straight out of Morgana's playbook!
The force of the kick sends WAR PORK reeling back, knocking him into the hole in the wall that he created. He strikes with such a force that the entire wall begins to crack, resulting in him getting stuck in the cage!
Lex Robinson: WAR PORK is stuck! He is left hanging halfway inside and halfway outside!
Steve Hebert: Son of a--... Someone chisel him out. Poor WAR PORK. Oh no, Stevie is taking advantage of this. Poor fatty is stuck in between the goddamn cage.
Lex Robinson: Like before, she uses him as a springboard, rushing across the ring, jumps on him and leaps into the air, enabling her to grasp onto the cage! She scurries up the side of the structure, like a scared little kitty, hops over the ledge... and somersaults onto Horatio Q.! Stevie Swing is out of the cage and on the floor! She retains the World Title!
Steve Hebert: No! Poor Horatio! Oh Jesus! He's, like, 140 years old! Don't you know that could cause a broken hip?! Oh my God, call a medic, for the love of fuck.
Lex Robinson: She retains the title! Stevie Swing has done it! what a way to kickoff "A Merry Christmas"!
Steve Hebert: If only Jake Norton hadn't been such a nice guy and let Teresa Quaranta kick his leg off. Unghhh.
The referee awards Stevie Swing with the World Title, handing it over to her, having Stevie gasp for oxygen. Nonetheless, she holds the title close to her, knowing she has a second defense yet to go.
Steve Hebert: Don't worry. Team Stevie still have to take on the former Team Norton, composed of Deicide, Redmaine, Q and Jean-Paul Lacklan. She'll have her comeuppance.
Lex Robinson: Don't sell her short. If anyone can retain twice in one night, it's Stevie Swing.
Steve Hebert: Yuck. Look, just find someone to get WAR PORK unstuck from that cage.
As several officials come around to check on Horatio Q. and WAR PORK, Stevie Swing returns inside of the cage, readying herself for her upcoming match, in which she will tag with Teresa Quaranta. A group of officials use a crowbar to pry WAR PORK free from the cage, while a confused, crying Horatio Q. is dragged to the backstage area, his Santa hat having been knocked off and looking like he's had a stroke.
Steve Hebert: It's so sad to see Horatio Q. a sad, broken man. He may have a broken hip or something. He's old, you know.
Lex Robinson: He wanted to get involved in things, so it's his own fault.
Steve Hebert: But he's not a young tiger anymore. Stevie Swing should be fired. Sued, fined and fired... and then thrown into an oven.
Breathing heavily, WAR PORK lifts Horatio Q. into his arms and carries him to the backstage, listening to his moans of pain. Horatio Q. to the backstage area, listening to his hollers and moans of pain. Stevie Swing, on the other hand, remains inside of the cage, which is being disassembled.
Steve Hebert: I'm sure she'll be fine. This is not the first time she's had something thrust into her by a partner! LOL!
Lex Robinson: Did you just say EL OH EL? Why didn't you just laugh?
Steve Hebert: STOP RUINING MY JOKES, LEX.
Lex Robinson: Keep in mind, folks, the order of each of the teams are totally random and have been selected prior to this matchup. Some teams will have a major uphill battle. Others not so much.
"Mercury Rising" begins to play over the speakers, but instead of Teresa Quaranta, Ashe Corvin comes bounding down the ramp!
Lex Robinson: What in the hell is happening—oh here they come!
Steve Hebert: It's a goth! Kill it!
Ashe Corvin belly slides into the ring shoulder blocking the ref out of the ring, followed by Ja Gi Kyung-Moon who begins to attack Stevie.
Steve Hebert: Looks like the goth and the Jap are jumping to an early start.
Lex Robinson: Wait... wait... here comes Beau and Bear Brant, joining the fray!
Stevie Swing fends off Ashe and JAGI, just as the Brant Brothers emerge from the audience and slide into the ring, as well. Teresa comes flying down to the ring and climbs a turnbuckle.
Lex Robinson: Stevie throws Ashe Corvin back. Superkick! Corvin's down! Teresa leaping—NO LOOK MOONSAULT ON CORVIN AND HE IS OUT COLD!
Steve Hebert: That poor goth is being beaten silly by Teresa Quaranta, who told me before the match that Karina Cecille wants to kick Ashe Corvin in his stupid goth face, too. Now I have no idea who that is because I barely even watch wrestling, but goddamnit, if someone wants to kick that colossal faggot in the face, who am I to stop them?
Ja Gi Kying-Moon is fending off blows from the Brant Brothers, while the McKenzie brothers shoot down the ramp and slide in, pulling them off Moon. Moon spins to Stevie. Stevie with another superkick—... but Moon ducks!
Steve Hebert: Yogi Bear ducks the Last Dance!
Lex Robinson: No, it's Ja Gi. And he doesn't duck the clothesline from Teresa, which sends him sprawling out of the ring!
Steve Hebert: HOLY CRAP! WHAT IS GOING ON? I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!
Lex Robinson: Those are jujubees and you got them from the refreshment counter.
Two of Redmaine's apprentices dressed like pirates and wearing masks run down to the ring, followed by Generic Heel and CAPS LOCK who chase after them, eating Taco Bell. The ring is thrown into chaos as the crowd goes nuts. Corvin is trying to wake up as Moon slides back into the ring to as all wrestlers involve trade blows.
Steve Hebert: It's like a gangbang... but inside of a wrestling ring!
Lex Robinson: We need to get a handle on this situation! Someone get this under control!
Steve Hebert: I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED A SAFEWORD!
Referees pour out from the back to help the one ref who has been knocked unconscious. Soon, only Redmaine's apprentices and The McKenzie brothers remain in the ring. A ref signals for the bell as the other refs help the downed one to the back.
Lex Robinson: Finally, back to some action. Able MacKenzie faces off with one of Redmaine's followers!
Steve Hebert: HEY ASSHOLE! THE TRUTH IS BURIED WITH JIMMY HOFFA!
Able MacKenzie goes for an elbow collar tie-up with "Red 1" but Red 1 reverses it into a Cobra Clutch!
Steve Hebert: A page out of ol' Redmaine. Old Redster is having a positive effect on these fellows.
Lex Robinson: Are you kidding me! Able's in a sleeper hold! He's struggling and he's already dropping to a knee!
Steve Hebert: Turn into 25.4 FM after this match to hear all about how these faggots get put into a coma! LOL!
Able goes limp as Will tries to rush into break the hold! Red 2 charges across the ring with a spear, nailing Will through the ropes as he falls to the outside! Bear Brant with a charging clothesline to Will! And Able is getting swung around like a ragdoll!
Lex Robinson: The ref is lifting his hand! One!
Steve Hebert: GO TO SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
His hand is lifted again. No surprise, it falls.
Lex Robinson: Two!
Steve Hebert: SANDMAN IS WAITNG!
His hand is lifted again. It falls.
Steve Hebert: Down it goes!
Lex Robinson: Three! Ref's calling for the bell! And in one move, folks, the McKenzie's are out of this tournament!
Steve Hebert: Christ almighty, they're about as useless as Victor Justice, Rekon, Foster Hill and Gorgio combined.
Will struggles to help his brother out of the ring as they now become permanent lumberjacks in this match, no doubt now filled with disgust.
Steve Hebert: I haven't seen a dude get sacked that fast since The Shawshank Redemption!
Lex Robinson: Not a good performance by The McKenzie Brothers. As a result, Redmaine's followers will move on, taking on the next team. And it's...
Steve Hebert: Team JapGoth!
Ja Gi Kyung-Moon is first into the ring, followed by Corvin, who is looking absolutely destroyed. They decide Corvin will sit in the corner first.
Steve Hebert: Oh Good, the Jap will start this match, while the useless, boring, awful, uselessly awful, horrendous, fucking terrible, untalented, boring, stupid, uawfully useless goth stands in his corner.
The bell rings and immediately Red #1 attacks Moon with several forearms and chops. He Irish-whipsMoon towards the corner, but is reversed by Ja Gi, who sends Red 1 into the turnbuckle. Red 2 slaps 1 and charges at Moon!
Lex Robinson: Redmaine's other apprentice jumps into the ring. He runs at Ja Gi Kyung-Moon...
Moon with a Judo Throw Hip Toss and then a Japanese armdrag sends Red 2 sprawling across the mat! Just then, Red 1 comes out from the corner, going for another spear!
Lex Robinson: Ja Gi hops over Redmaine's apprentice, sending him charging across the ring. He ends up hitting his own tag partner!
Steve Hebert: Aw, damnit. Typical Jap. They're always jumping around, doing crazy shit, while shitting on each other.
Lex Robinson: You keep referring to him as Japanese, but he's actually born in America.
Steve Hebert: Well, he looks Japanese, what the fuck?
Lex Robinson: Well, you see, he is; but he's American.
Steve Hebert: Don't mess with my head, man. The ref scolds Red 1 back into his corner, as Moon lifts Red 2 up to his knees. Red 2 with a low blow!
Steve Hebert: I bet he learned that move from Redmaine, as well! What a shot to the testicles.
Lex Robinson: Moon backs up, grabbing his balls. Red 2 turns to Corvin with a forearm and Corvin goes down off the ring apron into the arms of Beau Brant—BELLY TO BACK SUPLEX TO THE CEMENT! CAPS LOCK climbs a guard rail and jumps! FROG SPLASH ON CORVIN!
Steve Hebert: Ashe Corvin is as useless in death, as he was in life.
Lex Robinson: Corvin is busted open! He's still alive, Steve.
Steve Hebert: I wonder if he will use his dark carnival powers to heal!
Red 2 turns his attention back to Moon, grabbing him by the hair. Red 2 gives him a headbutt, backing him up again. Red 2 charges in with clothesline, but Ja Gi Kyung-Moon ducks and brings him down with a drop-toe-hold! Red 2 smashes face first into the mat, busting his nose!
Steve Hebert: Down goes that apprentice. However, the other guy comes in...
Lex Robinson: Only to run into a big backdrop, sending him flying over the ropes and to the floor!
Steve Hebert: The useless McKenzies are all over him, too.
Alone in the ring with #1, Ja Gi Kyung-Moon immediately grabs him and applies Ars Nova! Within seconds, he is frantically tapping, having oxygen cut off from his head!
Lex Robinson: Oh lord, he's tapping! That son of a bitch is tapping!
Steve Hebert: Damn, I can't believe it!
Lex Robinson: I know!
Steve Hebert: 14.95 for a large! Huh? What?? Nigga shut up, I'm on the phone.
Lex Robinson: Regardless, JaGi has just dispatched Redmaine's followers and Corvin can't even be bothered to get up off the floor! He's still down!
Steve Hebert: That's right. And I better have a discount because I've got a coupon!
Lex Robinson: Get off the phone, Steve! STOP ORDERING PIZZAS DURING MATCHES!
Steve Hebert: WHAT? PIZZA'S DELISCHUSCHUS.
Ja Gi Kyung-Moon looks exhausted as he leans over the ropes to yell at a groggy Ashe Corvin, who spits and sputters blood as he climbs the ring apron. Moon tries to confer with him as Beau Brant lifts Moon into the air from behind! The ref calls for the starting bell!
Steve Hebert: Big old Beau Brant is in the ring...
Lex Robinson: German suplex! The bridge is made and the pinfall is made...!
The referee drops down, making the pinfall on Moon...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two... no! Close call for Moon, who is holding up his end of the team.
Steve Hebert: Where are all those juggalos when you need them?!
Beau, much larger of the two men, lifts Moon from the ground and sends him back into the mat with a chokeslam! Moon bounces out and holds his back, asking for a tag to take a breather. However, Corvin yawns and shakes his head, dismissing him!
Lex Robinson: And look at that! Corvin waves off Moon who is fighting for his life!
Steve Hebert: Can you blame Corvin? It's tiring being as shitty as he is. He's got things to do, too. Like lay lazily in that corner, with that stupid, ridiculous facepaint of his.
Lex Robinson: Beau lays kicks and stomps into Moon as Beau turns to his smaller brother and gestures to the winded Moon on the ground. Nodding, Beau goes back to his corner, tagging in Bear, who comes rushing in. Senton splash on Moon!
He lays across JAGI, hooking a leg, while leaning on him. The referee makes the count.
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...!
...!
Lex Robinson: Ja Gi reaches up, grabs onto Bear's arms and rolls him up with a crucifix!
The count is made again...!
...1...2...!
Lex Robinson: No! Bear Brant kicks out!
Steve Hebert: Jeez, that was close as hell.
Lex Robinson: What a reversal it was.
Bear picks up Moon and Irish-whips him over the top rope! Moon falls out of the ring, in front of Generic Heel, who begins booting him in the face. Spinning him around to face Teresa Quaranta! she kicks Moon in the stomach—...
Lex Robinson: Reversal--... ENZIGURI KICK TO THE FACE! Down goes Teresa!
Lex Robinson: Corvin can't believe it; but he's not even attempting to help Moon!
Steve Hebert: I wouldn't help that gook, either! IT WOULD BE UN-AMERICAN.
Lex Robinson: Aren't you Canadian?
Steve Hebert: THESE DETAILS ARE MEANINGLESS.
Moon regains his balance and leaps to the guard rail, then leaps off again, delivering a cross kick to the face of Generic Heel!
Lex Robinson: Oooh! What a kick by Ja Gi Kyung-Moon, who has been the star of this match, so far!
Steve Hebert: Oh God, now the McKenzies are over there, poking their big nose into things! Will goes flying with another hip toss! How awful... and Able gets suplexed! Red 1 goes for a spear! DODGED AND SENDS RED 1 INTO THE GUARD RAIL! RED 2 with a Cross Body—.. no! BELLY TO BACK SUPLEX ON RED 1! CAPS LOCK WITH A RUNNING CLOTHESLINE—MOON DUCKS—DROP TOE HOLD ONTO THE STEEL STEPS! Stevie Swing has found her way up a turnbuckle and leaps off with FIVE STAR OF DAVID SPLASH! Moon jumps back! AND STEVIE NAILS THE ENTIRE PILE OF BODIES!
Lex Robinson: Ja Gi Kyung-Moon is taking no prisoners!
Steve Hebert: Definitely one of this company's rising stars! Haha, who am I kidding. No, but seriously, he's wrecking shit.
Lex Robinson: Moon gets up and is pulled back into the ring by his hair Bear!
Steve Hebert: Serves him right! The fight's in the ring, douche!
Moon spins away from Bear, whipping him into the corner of his brother, Beau, who tags himself in. Disgusted with Corvin's lack of effort, he grabs Corvin by the head and flips him into the ring! The crowd goes nuts as Moon points to Corvin, signaling his tag!
Lex Robinson: Look at this! Corvin's finally gonna have to defend himself!
Steve Hebert: HAHA! AND BEAU JUST TAGGED HIMSELF IN!
Lex Robinson: Beau rushes towards Corvin! SPEAR! CORVIN IS LAID OUT! Beau lifts Corvin up! JACKHAMMER! Now Beau is raising his arms to the crowd as the crowd cheers. Corvin is lifted up again onto Beau's shoulders!
Lex Robinson: Beau is going for the F5!
Steve Hebert: He should probably just Alt+F4.
Moon rushes in a dropkicks Beau right in the breadbasket as Corvin falls from his arms! Bear runs across the ring and Moon tries to throw Bear out of the ring, but gets reversed! Bear whips Moon right into the arms of Beau!
Lex Robinson: Snap suplex on Moon! Corvin is crawling away, but gets stomped by Bear, as he lifts Corvin up! Moon rolls back towards his corner, as Bear sends Corvin towards Beau! Corvin slides under Beau's legs and charges towards Moon tagging him in!
Steve Hebert: Of course; but in his eagerness to escape Beau, Corvin trips and falls out of the ring, smashing his face on the concrete!
Lex Robinson: The lumberjacks aren't even bothering to go after Corvin!
Steve Hebert: Did you see what just happened?! The dude got in a fight with HIS LEGS and FUCKING LOST.
Moon is back up and charges after Beau, leaping to the air to go for a Tornado DDT! Beau catches Moon in his arms and synches in a bear hug!
Lex Robinson: Bearhug! Beau Brant is going to try and squeeze the life out of Ja Gi. Can he do it?!
Steve Hebert: With the size of his arms, he could probably squeeze the shit out of anyone. Including WAR PORK.
Lex Robinson: The fans are torn. Ja Gi claps his hands together, slamming them into Beau's temples, killing his equilibrium! Beau immediately drops Moon and grabs his ears to stop the ringing!
Stumbling backwards, Beau doesn't feel Bear tag himself in!
Lex Robinson: Bear runs in to Moon—ANOTHER DROP TOE HOLD! ARS NOVA! BEAR IS TAPPING!
Steve Hebert: Already?! Jesus, another one goes down!
Lex Robinson: Do you believe this guy! Ja Gi Kyung-Moon is devastating everyone! And Bear Brant lost the Tag Wars Trophy of his brother, Beau.
Steve Hebert: This is why I drowned my twin brother. In the womb. I never wanted the Tag Warts Trophy, anyhow.
Both Beau and Bear get outside, arguing as Teresa and Stevie slide into the ring. Ashe Corvin is out cold and Moon is completely gassed, but refuses to quit.
Lex Robinson: Stevie licks her cat paws from the apron as the ref calls for the bell. Moon charges at Teresa, who locks up with him, in the center of the ring. Moon shifts his stance and steps behind Teresa torquing her arm. Teresa reaches behind her and snap-mares Moon forward! But Moon refuses to let go, carrying Teresa forward and holding on to her upside down! REVERSE DESPERATION PILEDRIVER! Stevie is calling for a tag! And Teresa is holding her head! She may be seriously injured!
Steve Hebert: We need to hurry this up. My pizzas are getting cold!
With no one to turn to, Moon struggles to get to his knees, as Teresa rolls to Stevie for the tag! Moon tries to block a kick from Stevie, but is nailed in the gut! Stevie with a double underhook hold lifts Moon up onto her legs. SHE SPINS, SENDING HIM OVER HER WHILE SHE HOLDS ON, PLANTING HIM WITH THE PROCESS OF ILLUMINATION!
Lex Robinson: Whoa! Is that a preview for later tonight?! Stevie takes Ja Gi Kyung-Moon down with the Process of Illumination, Teresa Quaranta's own move.
Steve Hebert: Teresa doesn't seem too happy about this, either. Nonetheless, Stevie is covering the Jap...
The count is made...!
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...!
...3!
Lex Robinson: Three! Stevie Swing eliminates Ja Gi Kyung-Moon and Ashe Corvin.
Steve Hebert: Team JapGoth, carried by that one guy whose name I can't say, did quite well. Not good enough, but well enough.
Lex Robinson: The crowd cheers as Moon struggles to his feet, nodding as the fans rise to their feet and give him a standing ovation! Hear that crowd! What a valiant display of effort here tonight. Simply amazing stuff.
Steve Hebert: Zzz.
Lex Robinson: Wake up, Steve! This was truly historic.
Steve Hebert: That gook lost and needs to go back to picking rice patties. Wake me up when it's done.
Climbing down out of the ring, JaGi makes it a point to kick Corvin -- who is still unconscious -- in the side, before taking his place as a lumberjack.
CAPS LOCK and Generic Heel roll into the ring as the referee calls for the bell. Almost immediately, Stevie leaps from a turnbuckle and begins to scratch and tear at Heel's face, while Teresa fights with CAPS LOCK! Heel's mask is ripped off! And he gets thrown to the outside!
Steve Hebert: Oh no! His handsome, gay face has been exposed! Hide yourself, Generic Heel. Don't let these unpleasant assholes see your beautiful face.
Lex Robinson: Generic Heel rolls to the floor, desperately trying to hide his face. CAPS LOCK is left alone in the ring, standing between Stevie Swing and Teresa Quaranta.
Steve Hebert: Oh God. Actually, get back in the ring, you generic asshole.
Stumbling back and forth, a terrified CAPS LOCK offers a peace accord to both Stevie and Teresa. It gets no response. He is forced to bring out the big guns.
Lex Robinson: Generic Heel reaches into his pants and pulls out a burrito!
Steve Hebert: Ah-ha! That'll save him.
Lex Robinson: He offers it to Stevie. No dice. He offers it to Teresa--...
Steve Hebert: She loves burritos, she'll accept.
Lex Robinson: She kicks it out of his hand, sending it flying into the fifth row!
Terrified, CAPS LOCK goes to try and escape; but Stevie grabs onto his pants, refusing to let him out. Stretching her cat claws, she scratches him across the face and drags him off his feet with her tail. Turning towards Teresa, who cups her hands together, Stevie steps onto her hands and then climbs onto her shoulders. She vaults back, hitting The Morgasm off Teresa's shoulders!
Lex Robinson: A tribute to Morgana! The Morgasm!
Steve Hebert: Oh dear. Corey Page is going to cry over that. I just know it.
Lex Robinson: Stevie remains atop CAPS LOCK and hooks a leg...
The referee counts...!
...1...2...3!
Lex Robinson: There it is! The pinfall has been made! Stevie Swing and Teresa Quaranta win the Tag Wars Trophies for 2010!
Steve Hebert: Boooo!
Putting his mask back on, a dejected, homosexual Generic Heel pulls CAPS LOCK out of the ring and helps him to the backstage area.
Lex Robinson: It hasn't been a good night for the Department of H.A.R.M.. Not a good night at all.
Steve Hebert: Ughhh.
Stevie and Teresa are awarded with the Tag Wars Trophies. Holding them into the air, they get a cheer from the audience, who are happy with the winners. On the floor, Stevie's Japanese entourage take pictures of her holding the trophy, still being banged up from her previous Cage Match.
Lex Robinson: What a way to cap off the year for Stevie Swing. First, she won Over the Top Rope; and now she's won the Tag Wars Trophy. Plus the World Title victory. Will she be able to outlast everyone else in the main event and be the "Ultimate Survivor"? Only time will tell.
Steve Hebert: Not if that person standing next to her has anything to say about it.
A closeup is shown of Teresa, who keeps a close eye on Stevie, not wanting any funny business. Stevie and her gang of Japanese walk to the back, carrying the trophy for her, while Teresa is left behind in the ring, preparing for her Television Title match.
Lex Robinson: Whoa, wait! It's Chris Extreme and Mike Phantasy!
Steve Hebert: Holy shit, we haven't seen Mike Phantasy since he was almost crippled by Chris Extreme! Speaking of Chris, we haven't seen him since Teresa Quaranta returned by running him over and then getting abducted by some female. Where has he been?!
Chris looks like he has just escaped captivity, appearing as though he hasn't showered or shaved in weeks. To be frank, he looks like a hobo.
Lex Robinson: Chris looks haggard, but he's pounding away on Mike Phantasy, sending him flying through a door, knocking him into the next compartment of the mall! He flings Mike over a mound of shoes that had been setup and is now battering Mike with pink high-heels!
Steve Hebert: Oh no, how humiliating and emasculating.
Lex Robinson: He takes a second to sniff one of the heels, like a sick fuck and then rubs... uh... his genitalia against it.
Steve Hebert: Probably to add extra damage.
Lex Robinson: He thwacks it against Mike Phantasy's head and then throws another shoe at him, while he goes to crawl away!
During this, Mike Phantasy speaks up.
Mike Phantasy: Get away from me, you prick. I didn't kidnap you.
Chris Extreme: The fuck you did. You had Mercedes kidnap me. You cost me the World Title. You cost me everything, you cocksucking bag of cocks.
Lex Robinson: Arguing back and forth, Chris and Mike now brawl over to a Santa Claus display area!
Steve Hebert: Oh no, not Santa.
Clotheslining Mike over a railing, Chris forces him to collapse into fluffy white snow. Hopping over the barricade, Chris fights off 2 elves that come in and try to stop this.
Steve Hebert: Get the fuck out of here, stupid elves! Those elves have Stockholm Syndrome despite being molested and raped by Santa on a nightly basis.
Lex Robinson: Santa isn't real, Steve.
Steve Hebert: The fuck he isn't. He's right there, sitting and watching Chris and Mike beat the hell out of each other.
Chris throws one elf over the barrier; while Mike Phantasize/superkicks the other elf, knocking him down and out! Turning back to face each other, Chris and Mike stare each other down and charge once more.
Lex Robinson: They're still at it. This is a continuation of their Street Fight from earlier this year!
Steve Hebert: It never ended, to be honest. All this while, they've been brawling like madmen. It was probably Mike that kidnapped Chris Extreme! It had to be! He got Mercedes to do it. You heard him say so.
Lex Robinson: Perhaps. It was some woman; we don't know who or why.
Steve Hebert: Certainly not Morgana, though; that cunt is long gone. She's just done with Corey Page, leaving him a broken mess. She abandoned him in favour of Twilight livejournal communities, you know. Fucking ridiculous. Corey Page cared so much and she threw all of that in his face, like the goddamn dummy that he is. All along, she had been lying to him, deceiving and manipulating him. And now look at it him, barely able to move. Thanks to a freakin' Christmas miracle, he can finally move his arms. That whore. I hope she dies of a brain aneurysm.
Lex Robinson: God, Steve, it's been months. Get over it! You and Corey Page need to move the fuck on.
Steve Hebert: It's easy for YOU to say that when Corey Page has been left a cripple -- both physically and emotionally!
Lex Robinson: ...Anyhow, Chris and Mike are still brawling! Chris lifts up a reindeer display and blasts it across Mike Phantasy's back, nailing him with Rudolph!
Steve Hebert: Chris Extreme has decapitated Rudolph by smashing him across Mike's back!
In pain, Mike Phantasy stumbles forward, collapsing onto the lap of a bewildered, old Santa Claus. Right away, Chris follows after him, badmouthing both Mike Phantasy and the mall Santa.
Chris Extreme: You little cocksuckers. You took away everything, you will pay!
With fists, Chris strikes Mike Phantasy and even lays some shots in at the Santa, knocking him unconscious. Taking a second away from the beating of Phantasy, Chris stares at the Santa, who sits on his chair, unconscious.
Chris Extreme: Say, didn't I kill you a few years ago?
Steve Hebert: Chris Extreme is killing Santa... again! Good. The fucker had it coming, anyhow. He didn't come down my chimney last year, so fuck him. Fuck him good.
Lex Robinson: For the last time, he isn't real.
Steve Hebert: Prove it.
Lex Robinson: Folks, Mike Phantasy and Chris Extreme are brawling everywhere. We've got to get back to action. We have Stevie Swing still out here, ready for the Tag Wars Match...
Steve Hebert: But... we need to stick with this brawl!
Lex Robinson: Can't. We've got things to get to.
Steve Hebert: But... but... but...
Pulling the beard off the mall Santa, Chris Extreme begins choking and smothering Mike Phantasy with it. Luckily for Mike, he grabs a nearby candy cane, jabs it into Chris Extreme's eye and frees himself. He uses this opportunity to stumble away from Chris, who holds his eye, in pain.
Chris Extreme: When I find out who kidnapped me, they will fucking pay.
He grits his teeth and stumbles off in search of Mike Phantasy.
Steve Hebert: Ahhh! Fire! Someone call the fire department.
Lex Robinson: Nope, it's just time for our Ring of Fire Match. This is to determine who will be the number one contender to the Ultraviolence Title. It's going to be either Flame, Trinity or Jacob Sean.
Steve Hebert: Oh no, not Jacob Sean. The man with two first names.
There's bloodlust carved into Flame and Trinity's face, while Jacob Sean looks just a little bit weirded out at being surrounded by crazy people, not to mention the group of attendants and fire.
Steve Hebert: This match is going to obviously be dangerous for everyone involved. Even for me.
Lex Robinson: Can you imagine just what will happen if Trinity Evans is thrown face first into a raging inferno?
Steve Hebert: I don't need to imagine, my cock is getting hard already. There's no aphrodesiac quite like vagina sweat, eyeliner and sweet, sweet fire.
Lex Robinson: Despite all that, it looks like we're finally ready for action here.
The bell rings, and Trinity immediately charges Flame, tackling him to the ground, stunning him with right hand after right hand. Flame rolls her
over, returning with strikes of his own. Jacob Sean shrugs his shoulders and watches, clearly thinking of letting these two rivals tear each other
apart.
Steve Hebert: Jacob Sean isn't doing anything. That lazy nig--...
Lex Robinson: What are you about to say?!
Steve Hebert: Well, he's doing nothing! I hate racists, but the one thing I hate more are nig--...
Lex Robinson: No! Stop right there, while you're ahead.
Flame picks Trinity up, spins around, and gives her a brutal piledriver into the floor. Trinity's neck bounces like an accordion and she rolls over in pain as Jacob finally gets into the action, knocking Flame down with an enziguiri.
Lex Robinson: Flame is brought down, after bringing Trinity down harsh.
Steve Hebert: Wait--...!
Through the fire, several masked men jump through the flickering flames, entering inside the ring of fire. There's at least a dozen or so people and they are striking Flame, Trinity and Jacob Sean, beating the life out of them.
Lex Robinson: Who are these guys?!
Steve Hebert: They're all wearing Redmaine masks. It has to be more of his apprentices!
Lex Robinson: You know, I think you're right.
A gang of apprentices beats down Flame and throws him into the fire. A loud yelp can be heard coming from him, as he is burnt. Two others pile atop Jacob Sean, beating him down, ganglang style.
Lex Robinson: These guys are not even supposed to be in this match and yet they're pouring in, jumping through the fire to attack! This is insane!
The last person to walk through the flame is Redmaine. He stands at the center of the ring, observing his apprentices beating up the original trio, being illuminated by the fiery red flames.
Redmaine: Peace and morality are a lie. Violence is the truth.
He stands alone, watching his apprentices take out Flame, Trinity and Jacob Sean. Nodding his head, a bevy of officials move into the scene, with fire extinguishers and try to evacuate the premises and take the trio out of there. Eventually, Redmaine calls off the beating and walks off, back into the mall.
Lex Robinson: But... but... who's the number one contender to the Ultraviolence Title?!
Steve Hebert: Who gives a fuck. Redmaine is the tits.
Lex Robinson: Thank God. Flame has been set on fire. Trinity has been beaten down and Jacob Sean is black and blue.
Steve Hebert: He's not black, he's just--...
Lex Robinson: I know what you're going to say, so stop it.
Steve Hebert: What? What?!
The trio is attended to, while smoke pilfers into the air and a rowdy crowd watches them receive some help. There are burn marks on Flame, whose hair has been singed, and is in pain, rocking back and forth. Overall, it's not a nice scene -- and it's all thanks to Redmaine and his apprentices.
Declan Turner: Stevie?
Upon hearing Declan's voice, Stevie snaps around and tries to hide the half-eaten tuna behind her back. The bell on her collar rings like crazy as Stevie moves, causing her all kinds of embarrassment. She meekly waves at Declan.
Stevie Swing: Declan. Sup nigga?
Declan hesitantly sits down at the sight of her ridiculous costume, exhaling.
Declan Turner: I just wanted to touch base with you. To let you know why I showed up.
Stevie sighs, relieved that Declan didn't railroad her. She licks herself clean of fish oil, brings the tuna out from behind her back, and rips another large chunk free with her teeth.
Stevie Swing: I'm all ears.
She speaks while barely chewing her fish, swallowing the hunk nearly whole. Declan stares at this display and Stevie notices, is suddenly embarrassed again. She offers up the fish.
Stevie Swing: How fucking rude of me. You want some? Tuna. Good tuna.
Declan gives her a half-smile.
Declan Turner: Stevie, what happened to you?
Stevie rests the fish carcass in her lap, licking her hands clean.
Stevie Swing: I can't say for certain, but I'm pretty sure God is punishing me.
Declan nods slightly.
Declan Turner: It's probably that entire Jew thing. Anyhow, I had the chance to talk to Kelvin recently and he said--...
Stevie yawns, cocks one of her legs in the air and contorts her body. She begins licking her crotch, pleasurelessly. She finishes cleaning herself quickly and curls up into a ball, appears to fall asleep, but her ears remain perked up.
Stevie Swing: I'm listening...
Declan Turner: My brother is dead.
Reaching into his pocket, he produced a tattered scrip of paper.
Declan Turner: And before he died, he asked me to do two things. To help you in any way that I could and to give you this.
Declan passes the paper across the table.
Declan Turner: He said that paper was more important to him than his birth certificate. But it's just a Taco Bell receipt. I don't get it.
Stevie sits up immediately, straightens herself, looks at the receipt in Declan's hand.
Stevie Swing: Jesus. Declan, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be an asshole.
Declan Turner: Look, I'm not immune to the fact that I was a douchenozzle for the better part of my career here. But if my brother could fall head over heels for you in the two months he knew you, who am I to tell him no? I made a promise.
Declan shrugs.
Declan Turner: I can't even pretend to understand what type of shit you fell into to make you eat fish and wear a cat get-up. But I'm here to help you, not save you. That man's dead as well.
Stevie Swing: Mr. Kagemusha? That old fuck is a pain in the ass, but I'm contractually obligated -- iron clad. I'm pretty much fucked, Declan. He tells me to attack, I attack. He tells me to watch Nico get molested by a pile of tiny-dicked Japanese dudes, I watch Nico get molested by a pile of tiny-dicked Japanese dudes.
Stevie shrugs.
Stevie Swing: If anything, it's fucking Horatio Q.
The sound of his father's name resounded like a gong.
Declan Turner: Why Horatio?
Stevie Swing: Like that crusty old faggot speaks sense to me. One minute I'm sleeping with Tsarmina, and the next he's yelling about me leaving the toothpaste uncapped. He sells my contract, and I find myself in Japan, wearing this fucking awful schoolgirl outfit. I mean, I'm a thirty-year-old woman, and Kagemusha has me dressed as a fucking schoolgirl! It's embarrassing.
Stevie pounds on the table, in frustration.
Stevie Swing: Oh, and he's replaced me with this fat fuck who carries a sword and yells a lot about evisceration and defiling my ancestors. And I guess he shot me, though I'm pretty sure it's because he didn't recognize me in the schoolgirl uniform
Stevie sighs again and shrugs with resignation.
Stevie Swing: I guess I'm just waiting for the ol' motherfaggot to realize that he's made a huge mistake, you know? Maybe he'll take me back?
Declan Turner: Why would you even want to go back?
Stevie Swing: I don't know, Declan; what would you do if you were me?
Declan pauses and then responds.
Declan Turner: I'd kill them all.
Excusing himself, Declan stands up, rebuttoning his suit.
Declan Turner: Stick with me, Stevie. I'll have your fatass feasting on Golden Tigerfish. In the meantime, find your balls. We already have enough vagina on this Ultimate Survival team as it is.
Hit with the stunning realization that she's a full grown woman in a cat suit, Stevie's eyes widen in understanding.
Stevie Swing: Holy fuck. Holy fuck!
Stevie stands up, kicks the tuna carcass across the hallway.
Stevie Swing: You're right. You're so fucking right. My ass was so gorgeous, and now look what they've done to me. I've rolled over and died. But this... this is Ultimate Survival. And sure it's only an assorted crew of faggots from a promotion I forgot I worked in, but that's not a fucking excuse...
Stevie raises her claws to her face, digs at her face with them. She smears the small rivulets of blood under her eyes into thick lines, like the eyeblack football players wear.
Stevie Swing: I'm going to fucking destroy somebody.
Declan Turner: Yeah, well payback's a bitch.
Nodding to each other, they split in opposite directions with a determined step.
The lights fade out and red strobe-lights flash through the arena. "Crack A Bottle" by Eminem plays over the speakers and the crowd erupts in boos. Sean Mason walks down the aisle, escorted by Kayleigh, who walks up the steel steps and pulls up the bottom rope, allowing Sean to slide into the ring. Getting to his feet, Sean turns around, grabs the top rope and pulls it up, allowing Kayleigh to climb inside, as well. Sean Mason goes over to the far corner, where he sits down, as Kayleigh walks over and blows the view of Sean's face from the crowd. When the time is right, she steps to the outer portion of the apron and casually walks down the steps, taking a spot on the outside.
Steve Hebert: Ah, yes, here's Sean Mason. He made an open challenge last week. You never guess who it was answered by.
Lex Robinson: Corey Ashton. It was answered by Corey Ashton.
Steve Hebert: Damn. You're good.
Lex Robinson: Well, we only watched it live on the air.
Steve Hebert: Good point. Either way, this is Mason's chance to move up the ranks and it's a good way for Corey Ashton to get back in the game. Especially after his last match resulted in a double-countout.
Corey Ashton comes out from behind the curtain, with "Ready or Not" by The Fugees playing in the background. He walks to the ring, showing little emotion, climbs inside and readies himself, in the corner. In here, he adjusts his wrists, while waiting for the bell to ring, preparing for battle.
Lex Robinson: Sean Mason wanted an opponent and he's got one in Corey Ashton. The bell rings and they circle each other, looking for an opening. Soon, though, they lock-up, with Sean Mason applying a side-headlock.
Steve Hebert: Yeah, but Corey's backing him into the ropes and is peppering him with some forearms to the gut. Freeing himself, he pushes Sean Mason towards the ropes and catches him with a shoulder upon his return.
Lex Robinson: Sean Mason pops back up, but Corey Ashton bounces off the ropes. However, Mason jumps to the canvas, trying to trip Corey, who jumps over him and proceeds to the next set of ropes. When he returns, Sean Mason jumps up and tries to clothesline him.
Steve Hebert: But Corey Ashton goes for the clothesline, too! They end up knocking each other down.
Lex Robinson: Yup, down they go. Corey is the first to get up, shaking the cobwebs out of his head. He hammers Sean Mason with some boots and punches, prompting Mason to roll to the floor in order to escape.
Steve Hebert: Damnit, Sean, run!
Corey Ashton follows after him. He picks Mason up, bashes his skull off the steel railing and then throws him into it.
Lex Robinson: Now they're brawling on the floor, with the referee starting in on his count.
Steve Hebert: Uh oh. The last time this happened, Corey Ashton ended up getting counted out, along with his opponent.
...1...2...4...
Corey hovers over Sean, about to pick him up. Thinking quickly, Sean nails a lowblow on Corey Ashton, hunching doubling him over!
Steve Hebert: Oh dear. Right in the cock.
...5...6...
Lex Robinson: And he nails Corey with a European uppercut. Corey, of course, isn't going to take that lowblow and uppercut lightly. In a fit of anger, he hammers back, blowing a punch at Sean Mason's skull.
...7...8...
Steve Hebert: The referee is counting! Damnit, someone get back in the ring.
Still exchanging punches, they both lean against the ring railing, almost toppling over it. Corey tries for a winding punch, but gets punched in the ribcage by Mason.
...9...
Steve Hebert: The referee is at 9! Goddamnit, why won't they listen?!
Lex Robinson: They're too busy fighting.
...10!
Lex Robinson: There's 10! The referee is calling for the bell!
Ding... ding... ding!
Steve Hebert: Goddamnit, they've both been counted out. It wasn't supposed to end like that. That's twice in a row for Corey Ashton!
Lex Robinson: Perhaps he should stop acting like a wildman and smart acting smarter and more aware.
Steve Hebert: Perhaps; but they're still fighting.
The referee calls for the bell, but they fight up the ramp and brawl to the backstage area. Kayleigh follows after them, looking worried as Corey Ashton throws Mason through the curtain, sending him to the backstage area.
Lex Robinson: They brawled throughout the match; and now they're brawling after it. In fact, they fight all the way to the back.
Steve Hebert: Corey just wants to take his frustrations out on Sean Mason's handsome face, that's all.
Lex Robinson: He's perpetually frustrated... and stop creepily complimenting Sean Mason, it's weirding me out.
Steve Hebert: Fine!
Finally fully disappearing behind the curtain, Corey Ashton follows after Sean Mason, not finished fighting. The cameras cut away, not willing to follow to the back, watching as everyone prepares for the next matchup.
Corey Page: Wheeeee!
Suddenly, he stops. He realizes he's alone. His joy and happiness soon dissipates.
Corey Page: Alone. Still alone.
Soon, he overhears a familiar voice.
Voice: Where is that faggot?!
From a nearby open door, a bunch of Christmas gifts are heaved outward. They land at the crippled feet of Corey Page, who can only sit and listen to the incoming person.
Corey Page: Is it...? It can't be... he left me, too...
Voice: Are you in this, Mike Phantasy, you prick?
Rounding the corner is Chris Extreme, who is holding a wrapped Christmas gift in his hands. He looks up, eyeing Corey Page, whose jaw drops.
Corey Page: Where the fuck have you been?!
Chris Extreme: Haven't you been watching TV? Some whore kidnapped me!
Corey Page: I've been too busy crying to watch television.
Chris Extreme: What a fag.
Corey Page: It's not my fault everyone has left me.
Chris Extreme: Boo-hooo, booo-hoooo-hooo.
Grumpy and depressed, Corey Page crosses his arms.
Chris Extreme: At least you weren't kidnapped.
Corey Page: But I was left with some masked retard named Crux.
Chris looks shocked. Horrified, even.
Chris Extreme: Don't you ever insult my son.
Corey Page: But--...
Chris Extreme: This is why everyone leaves you. Because you're a negative, miserable prick. You used to be a happy, fun-loving Corey Page. Now you're just a douchebag. Kill yourself.
Blank-faced and expressionless, Corey Page has no idea what to say. Chris Extreme is quick to break the silence.
Chris Extreme: Now... uh...
He looks down, seeing Corey Page is sad. His cold, black heart breaking, Chris Extreme hands him the Christmas gift; some box that he randomly found in the backstage area, while searching for Mike Phantasy.
Corey Page: Oh, good. What is it?
Chris Extreme: Uhm... uh... you'll see. It's something nice, I bet.
Like an 8 year old, Corey Page tears into the gift, his tongue wagging out of his mouth as he tears the paper off. Reaching inside the box, he pulls out the object inside. A Morgana sponsored sex toy.
Chris Extreme: Uh... Merry Christmas!
Corey Page looks horrified. He drops the dildo onto his lap and holds back some tears and anger.
Voice: Auuughhhhhh!
Out of nowhere, Mike Phantasy rounds the corner and attacks Chris Extreme from behind! He clubs Chris across the back of the head, sending him sprawling atop Corey Page, knocking him onto him! From here, Mike Phantasy begins punching the life out of Chris, who remains across Corey, who is trapped between Chris and his wheelchair.
Corey Page: What the hell?!
Mike Phantasy: Shut the hell up. This is between me and this Lord Nazi cybering douche.
As Chris remains atop Corey Page, Mike Phantasy grabs the Morgana sponsored dildo and begins bashing it across Chris Extreme's face!
Corey Page: Hey, that's mine!
To make things worse, Mike shoves it into Chris's mouth, Sebastian York style. He begins to violently thrust the dildo in and out of Chris Extreme's mouth, almost making him vomit. Ripping it out, he slaps it across Chris's face, almost making Corey topple over.
Corey Page: Jesus Christ, get off me!
Mike Phantasy: It's not like you can feel your legs anyhow. So, shut up.
Some elbows are jammed into Chris's skull. Mike backs up, about to nail Chris with the Phantasize superkick. However, Chris sees him coming! Stepping forward, Chris Extreme ducks beneath the kick, which strikes Corey Page in the chin, knocking him and his wheelchair over!
Corey Page: Ooomph!
Chris Extreme: Look what you did, you little bastard. First, you kidnap me; then you kick Corey in the face!
Mike Phantasy: I'm ending this, like how you ended my career.
They target each other again. They brawl back-and-forth, walking out of camera view, leaving Corey Page knocked unconscious on the floor, with Morgana's dildo laying next to his head.
Lex Robinson: We're backstage. Right here is where the next match is set to occur: Beau Brant vs. Lee Kemp, in a match that has been a longtime coming.
Steve Hebert: Frankly, I hope they beat the shit out of each other. Kill one another, even.
Lex Robinson: The winner of this match will prove to be the better man and will face, uh... well, we don't know. Redmaine seemed to have interrupted the number one contender's match. From there, I don't know who he'll face.
Steve Hebert: Beating down those pile of assholes was the best thing to happen tonight.
Lex Robinson: Next to the referee in the center of the ring, there are three stools with a bucket on each. In the center, there is a bucket of glue. In the other two buckets on either side, there is nothing but broken pieces of shard glass. Each competitor will be wearing a pair of gloves, but the gloves will be dipped in glue and then their hands will be covered in the glass.
Steve Hebert: It's a Thailand-style deathmatch. Normally, these types of matches are fought with an 8 year old inside of a cage, ready to walk like a duck; but Beau Brant thought it'd be nice to change things.
Lex Robinson: Uh, what are you implying, Steve? Don't imply such an awful thing.
Steve Hebert: I'm just saying!
There is a fairly large crowd surrounding the makeshift ring in all directions and even leading up to a small stage where the competitors appear from. Lee Kemp arrives, walks to the designated fighting section and takes his spot in the makeshift ring.
Lex Robinson: Lee Kemp is out. Despite their differences, they've aided each other in disposing of Norton Security, which had been a thorn in their side. Even so, for Lee, this isn't about winning the Ultraviolence Championship. This is about fighting to show that he is better than him and tougher.
Steve Hebert: Lee Kemp used to be known as "Punisher". The only thing he punish is me, by forcing me to watch his shitty wrestling skills.
Lex Robinson: Either way, we're ready for a fight.
Papa Roach's "Last Resort" comes over the P.A. system and the lights go black. Red flares start shooting off at both sides of the entranceway and into the spotlights, as Beau Brant makes his way out onto the stage. He makes his way down the walkway, wearing red knee-length shorts, no shoes and there's a white towel hanging over his bare shoulder. As he approaches the ringside area, he rolls underneath the bottom rope and begins his pre-fight excercises.
Steve Hebert: Fresh off losing in the Tag Wars Trophy, this roided out idiot makes his appearance.
Lex Robinson: Hey, that man is the Ultraviolence Champion. He'd destroy you, Steve.
Steve Hebert: Like fuck. What has he ever done?
Lex Robinson: Oh, I don't know. Mixed Martial Arts, been almost set on fire, fought with some of the best.
Steve Hebert: My point, exactly.
Lex Robinson: ...
The two competitors meet in the middle of the ring. The referee instructs them both to dip their hands in the sticky substance. Lee Kemp seems hesitant to do so, cautiously reviewing the contents of each bucket. Beau Brant, on the other hand, dips his hands in the glue and then dives right into the bucket of glass.
Steve Hebert: A veteran of dipping his hands into things he doesn't know, Beau Brant covers his hand in turpentine... or whatever that goop is.
Lex Robinson: It's some type of glue or adhesive, used to keep the glass shards on his hand.
Steve Hebert: Of course. He winces, in pain, as he does so. Not so tough now, is he?
Lex Robinson: Pulling his hands from the bucket, he flexes his fingers a bit and then pounds his first together. He then slumps in the nearby corner waiting for Lee to dip his hands.
Steve Hebert: I'm sure someone could make another pedophile joke here. That someone would be me, of course.
Lee finally covers his hands in the glue and hesitantly dips it into the glass, writing in pain, much like Brant did. He repeats what Brant had done, removes his hands from the glass, flexes his fingers and then pounds his fists together.
Steve Hebert: How manly and douchey.
He also slumps in the opposite corner and waits for the start of the match.
Lex Robinson: Here we go, Steve. We're in the mall section, with both men getting ready to fight. The referee verbally instructs the competitors to meet in the middle and begin the match, since there is no timekeeper and bell. The two circle around one another, each other, eye balling their glass covered hands. They trot around the ring in circles and meet in the middle in a grapple.
Steve Hebert: Good idea. Rip each other's eyes out! Do it!
Beau Brant immediately gets the upper-hand, kneeing Kemp in the gut and then elbowing him in the face. He runs towards the “ropes” attempting to lunge himself off them, but he runs right through the ropes and stumbles.
Steve Hebert: Oh, what a dummy.
Lex Robinson: Not realizing how loose these makeshift ropes are, he stumbles, almost completely falling, but he saves himself.
Steve Hebert: He's just a big, dumb, dummy. A musclehead with no brain.
Laughing to himself, Beau walks back into the ring and towards Lee Kemp, who is now recovered. He swings his fist and plants it right underneath the chin of Beau Brant, who drops to his knees, covering his face!
Lex Robinson: A hard shot by Lee Kemp starts this match! He stands back and looks at his fist, which is now coated with blood. Looking back at Brant, you can see that he is cut up pretty bad from the shot to the face.
Steve Hebert: Good! Slice him open. Fuck it, slice each other open.
Lex Robinson: Blood pours from Beau's chin and onto the mat. Lee Kemp ignores this blood and walks over towards Brant. He grabs a hold of him and whips him towards the opposite side of the ring where Brant hadn’t busted through. However, Beau quickly puts on the brakes, realizing what's happening! He turns and walked towards Lee Kemp and charges...
Steve Hebert: But Lee drops him with a drop-toe,hold. Beau Brant, that big dummy, face flats on his face, driving his chin down to the mat!
Pulling himself off the mat, Beau turns toward Lee Kemp who is running full speed at him, attempting to spear him. However, Beau Brant side stepped him and Kemp goes flying out of the makeshift ring, onto the floor of the mall, at the event of the roaring crowd that has assembled!
Steve Hebert: Speaking of dummies, that moron, Lee Kemp, has thrown himself to the floor.
Lex Robinson: Not on choice. Beau Brant luckily stepped out of the way, resulting in him spilling out here.
In a rush, Beau Brant follows him out and is quick to rebound. On the floor, he drops an elbow across Lee's back, keeping him down, while nailing him with some glass-fisted shots to the back of the skull!
Lex Robinson: So close to the action, the crowd is becoming raucous!
Steve Hebert: Which is actually giving Lee Kemp energy to stand to his feet. He ducks beneath some shots from Beau Brant, opting to swing some fists into Beau's pelvic region, jamming his glass fists in beneath the ribcage! That'll leave a mark... and some scarring, too.
Lex Robinson: Well, same thing. Fortunately for our Ultraviolence Champ, he nails Lee Kemp with some forearms that knock Lee backwards. This actually creates good punching distance for Lee, who strikes Beau in the face, tearing some flesh off! Out here, they go back and forth with punches; you can even see flakes of skin tearing off with each punch!
Steve Hebert: And Beau Brant throws Lee Kemp over a barrier, knocking over a plastic clothes model!
The cameraman goes in hot pursuit of the two men, keeping them on film, watching as they brawl towards an Apple store.
Steve Hebert: Steve Jobs, watch the hell out, these motherfuckers are brawling just outside your store!
Once Steve speaks, Beau grabs Lee Kemp by the hair and throws him through the window of the store, smashing glass everywhere!
Lex Robinson: Don't speak too soon. Now they're inside of the store!
Steve Hebert: Oh God, I hope Justin Long is in there, so one of those shitheads can kill him for making shitty Mac commercials.
Inside the Apple store, Lee Kemp stumbles around, oblivious to the fact that Beau Brant is on his tail. Once he reaches Kemp, Beau turns him around and blasts him in the face with his fist.
Lex Robinson: Lee Kemp covers his face, but it's no surprise that it's bruised and bloodied. Brant turned to his right and sees a hardwood table covered with staged iMacs.
Steve Hebert: That reminds me: I need to add one of those to my Christmas wishlist.
Lex Robinson: He uses his arms to shove everything off the table and onto the floor. He picks Kemp up from the ground and rolls him up onto the top of the table.
Climbing onto the table with Lee, Beau Brant lifts his challenger up, grabs him by the hair and plants him facefirst into the front of the table. Lee, who is already bloodied, hits the table hard, rolls off and lands on the floor even harder.
Lex Robinson: What a shot to Lee Kemp's face, bloodying him even more!
Steve Hebert: Lee Kem just left some of his AIDS on that table... and now Beau Brant is prepping to jump off it!
With one giant leap, Beau Brant sends his giant body off the table, crashing ont Lee Kemp with a frog splash!
Lex Robinson: What a splash! He covers Lee Kemp, hooking a leg, in the process!
The referee follows after, making the count...!
...1...2...
Steve Hebert: It's just two! That big ogre only gets a two by jumping on Lee Kemp!
Lex Robinson: Sheesh. You don't see Beau Brant go through the air like that very often. When he does, it's a sign to behold. Nonetheless, Beau Brant picks Kemp up and whips him into the nearby wall, where there's a shelf full of apple software. Brooks, CD’s, and DVDs go flying all over the place!
Steve Hebert: Thousands of dollars down the drain. Just nice. How do they expect Corey Page to pay for all of this?
Lee Kemp stumbles and holds himself up with one of the shelves. Beau Brant walks over towards Kemp and scraped his hand down his opponent's back, causing him to squirm with pain. Blood begins to seep from open wounds, his back looking like Morse Code.
Steve Hebert: Scraping and tearing at the back of Lee Kemp, Beau Brant continues after him, wanting to do more damage. Look, I give credit. These are two tough motherfuckers. You hear me. I'll never admit anything nice again, but that's good enough.
Walking around the near table, Lee Kemp heads across the room, towards a display.
Lex Robinson: Beau Brant is going after Lee Kemp, following him. That turns out to be a horrible idea, as Lee Kemp extends his hands, grabs onto an iPad, swings around and cracks it against Beau Brant's skull!
Steve Hebert: The only decent use of the iPad, ever! Hell, one time isn't enough, Lee gives him another shot!
Lex Robinson: Flicking it aside, Lee Kemp stands there, mocks Beau Brant in a daze, elbows him, but is suddenly taken back with a kick to the gut! Lee Kemp lunges forward, grasping for air, while Beau Brant walks towards the nearby table, where another iPad is setup.
Steve Hebert: Beau Brant cracks an iPad off Lee Kemp's skull, now! He drops that asshole like a sack of dicks!
Lex Robinson: Using his foot to roll Lee over, onto his back, Beau drops down and makes the pinfall...
The referee starts his count...
...1...
Lex Robinson: One...!
...2...
Lex Robinson: Two...!
...!
Steve Hebert: Holy shit, he kicked out. It's amazing because iPads are the modern day versions of baseball bats.
Aghast, Beau Brant picks Lee Kemp up and drags him out of the store. Across the way, there is an Auntie Anne’s pretzel shop. Brant, with a grasp on Kemp’s head, starts running towards a fountain of lemonade that's set up.
Lex Robinson: Beau Brant slams Lee Kemp head-first into the lemonade fountain!
Steve Hebert: Don't be silly. Lee was just looking for a drink and he tripped. That's all.
Lex Robinson: Lemonade spills all over the floor. Beau Brant picks up a container of it, swings it towards Lee and spikes it across his skull!
Steve Hebert: Ooooh!
Beau Brant picks Lee Kemp up and whips him towards the counter. Thinking fast, Lee Kemp rolls up-and-over the counter, trying to save himself. Beau Brant follows after him, but before he can do anything, Lee Kemp grabs a glass tip jar and smashes it over Beau's face, dropping him to the floor!
Lex Robinson: Dollar bills, coins and Beau Brant all spill to the floor! Lee Kemp drops down and makes the cover, perhaps outsmarting Beau...
The referee counts...!
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...!
Steve Hebert: Beau Brant kicks out!
Lex Robinson: Lee Kemp grinds Beau's bloodied face in the money, rubbing it in.
Steve Hebert: Talk about blood money. That's taking it a little too literal.
Beau Brant fights back, though, ripping at Lee's throat with his bloody, glass-glued fist. This allow for Beau to make his way up to his feet, stumble over to the counter and grab a hot plate full of cinnamon buns.
Lex Robinosn: With the plate too hot to pick up, Beau Brant is forced to put on oven mits!
Steve Hebert: It's not the first time he's worn girly mits, I'm sure.
Lex Robinson: The glass digs into the mits, but Beau Brant pays no mind to it. Grabbing the hot plate, he swings the tray at Lee Kemp's skull, cracking it against his face, sending blood and cinnamon buns flying everywhere!
Steve Hebert: Before getting back to the match, Beau takes off the mittens, grabs a bun and takes a bite out of it. Basking in the carbohydrates and sugar, he lifts Lee Kemp back up, while I wish he had saved one for me.
Lex Robinson: He rolls Kemp back up-and-over the countertop, with Lee hitting the floor, hard. Beau Brant walks around the side, through the entrance, and Kemp drags himself to his feet.
Steve Hebert: Lee Kemp jabs the counter's turnstyle into Beau's waist! From here, he jumps up and gouges Beau in the eye! Some dirty fighting is what he'll need to do in order to defeat the beast that is Beau Brant.
Lex Robinson: It didn’t help Brant in any that Lee Kemp’s hand and fingers were covered in glass, as well! Now they're brawling towards a penny fountain!
At the fountain, Kemp shoved Brant’s head into the water as if to drown him. The water is soon tinted red, thanks to the blood. Beau Brant struggles to pull himself up out of the water, grasping for air.
Steve Hebert: Hey, is that legal? Can a mid-match drowning me legal?! Does this count?!
Lex Robinson: It counts. I think...
Steve Hebert: But what if he drowns?!
Lex Robinson: It's a risk that needs to be taken.
Yelling at him though, Lee Kemp shoves his head back into the water a second time after pulling him out.
Steve Hebert: Beau is able to pull his head out of water again...
Lex Robinson: But not for long! Lee dips him under, yet again!
After several seconds, Beau struggles to breath. For the third time, he rips his head out of the water and comes up for oxygen, like an animal in water.
Steve Hebert: Lee Kemp reaches down into the fountain and pulls out some pennies. He start throwing them at Brant, taunting him now and chuckling. Beau Brant struggles to get back to his feet and starts heading towards a nearby set up tables and chairs.
Lee Kemp followed him towards the table and chairs. Thinking fast, Beau Brant picks up a chair and throws it in the direction of Lee Kemp.
Steve Hebert: Oh shit, watch it--...!
Lex Robinson: Lee Kemp ducks out of the way, dodging the chair!
Steve Hebert: Beau Brant picks up the table and does the same goddamn thing!
Lex Robinosn: Lee Kemp dodges that, too. The two ran towards one another... and both collide, clothesline one another! They're both down!
Breathing hard and bleeding, Lee Kemp and Beau Brant lay lifelessly on the floor. After a while, Kemp leans over and throws his arm over Brant, attempting a cover.
Lex Robinson: Lee rolls over, making the cover...
Steve Hebert: This may be it!
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...!
Steve Hebert: Beau Brant kicks out after two!
Lex Robinson: The two men then start crawling to their feet. Lee Kemp isup first, but so is Beau Brant. Lee runs towards him, but, Brant leans over and lifts him up onto his shoulders! This could be it!
Steve Hebert: Beau stumbles towards another table and chairs set. He swings Lee Kemp forward...
Lex Robinson: Beau's Beast! He hits it! He smashes Lee Kemp through that table!
Dropping down fast, Beau Brant covers Lee, hooking a leg, amongst the wreckage of the table!
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: There's one... two... and...
...!
Lex Robinson: No! Lee kicks out, barely getting his shoulder up!
Steve Hebert: What the hell?!
Lex Robinson: Beau is as surprised as you! What guts and determination from a bloody Lee Kemp!
Steve Hebert: Beau is back up. He slams half the table across Lee's face and swings hi up onto his shoulders again! Here goes nothing...!
For the second time, Beau swings Lee Kemp out and drops him wit the "Beau's Beast"!
Lex Robinson: He hits it again! It has to be over this time.
Laid out on the floor, Lee is covered by Beau Brant, allowing the referee to make the pinfall.
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: Now there's one... and two... and...!
...3!
Steve Hebert: There! There's the three! He does it!
Lex Robinson: What a gutsy display by Lee Kemp to kickout after that first Beau's Beast. Howevere, there was no way in hell he could get out of a second one.
Beau Brant stands up, getting awarded with his Ultraviolence Title, while the referee raises his hand. A crowd circles around the two fighters, checking on them and examining their cuts. People are cheering wildly, applauding both men for their effort.
Lex Robinson: These people have gathered around, clapping for both men, who have earned the respect of the fans.
Lee Kemp slowly rises, becoming aware of his defeat. In an absolute daze, he tries to stand, but needs the help of two referees to keep him balanced. Beau Brant walks up to him, gives him a knowing nod -- having officially earned his respect.
Steve Hebert: Ugh... showmanship and being nice. It makes me sick.
Lex Robinson: It's not about being nice. It's about earning respect from your opponent. What a hard fought bout this was for both men.
Getting his hands checked, Beau Brant goes to walk away, while officials and medics tend to Lee Kemp, who begin removed glass shards from his hands and body.
Redmaine: Tonight is the perfect night and this place is the perfect place to learn about truth. The rose of truth is surrounded on all
sides by doubt and what better place to learn of doubt than Sin Wrestling, a place house with people that doubt professionally, and couldn't open
their minds if they tried. Attacking Trinity, Jacob Sean, and Flame is only a sign of the carnage that will-...
Before Redmaine can finish his sentence, there's a loud screeching noise and a flutter of wings! The camera shakes as a falcon swoops in,
snatching Redmaine's dove out of midair. The dove shrieks as it's thrown into a wall and the falcon scratches at it. Redmaine's group takes a step
forward, only to get shoved out of the way by Teresa Quaranta.
Teresa Quaranta: Captain Falcon! You returned to me!
She pulls the falcon off Redmaine's dove and gives it a huge hug. The dove takes the opening and flitters back towards Lady Arwen.
Redmaine: You fucking bitch.
Teresa lets go of Captain Falcon and looks around, noticing the seven angry looking people -- and one angry looking dove -- looking at her murderously. She looks to both sides nervously, but then straightens up, full of confidence.
Teresa Quaranta: Defend your mistress, Captain Falcon!
The bird takes a long, disdainful shit on Teresa's shoes before flying away. Teresa looks down and frowns as Redmaine's flock rushes in, battering
her with a long series of kicks and stomps. Fortunately for her, she is able to fight her way to freedom, eventually running off, headed towards the entrance section.
The scene shifts to the backstage again. This time, we're located in the car dealership area of the mall. There's a brand new 2011 car setup, which will be given to a random winner. Right now, though, things are not looking good for it. Not only does Chris Extreme slam Mike Phantasy's face off the bonnet of the car, but he also suplexes him onto it!
Mike Phantasy: Ow!
Lex Robinson: We're in the back...!
Steve Hebert: Oh no, Chris Extreme just suplexed Mike Phantasy onto the hood of that nice car!
Lex Robinson: He's even pounding away on his forehead. Dragging Mike off the hood, he slams Mike down, kicks him several times and knees him in the forehead.
Chris Extreme: Don't you ever kidnap me again. Only Chris Extreme kidnaps Chris Extreme!
Steve Hebert: What in the name of baby Jesus?
Lex Robinson: Fans go running out of the way, as Chris drags Mike towards them. He grabs a chair and flings it at Mike, knocking him down! Actually, now he's taking the chair and is setting it up. Now, he's grabbing some green and red Christmas ribbon. What's he up to?
Steve Hebert: Ripping that ribbon down from the decorations, Chris sits Mike Phantasy on the chair and ties him to it. Oh god, this isn't good.
Closing his fist, Chris nails Mike Phantasy with some punches, having him tied to the chair, unable to move. Pulling out his penis, Chris Extreme gives Mike several cockslappings, adding insult to injury.
Steve Hebert: My god, how dishonourable. Mike gets slapped in the face with that nympho douchebag's cock. Christopher Robert Extreme, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Lex Robinson: How is that any different than what Mike Phantasy did earlier in the night? It's not. Admit it. Shoving that dildo into Chris's throat and trying to choke him with it was reprehensible.
Steve Hebert: Pffft. All's fair in love and war. Besides, it was a rotten Morgana dildo. Fuck her, that two-faced--...
Lex Robinson: No! I refuse to listen! Stop it!
Steve Hebert: But she killed poor Corey Page, broke his crippled heart.
Lex Robinson: With the way Corey Page has been acting lately, maybe he deserves it. Maybe he should stop being such a creepy douche. Maybe he should jump off a bridge.
Steve Hebert: Jesus, Lex, let's not go overboard here. I thought I was bad.
Pushing some security away, Chris uses his right boot to smash open the window of the brand new car. Glass shatters everywhere, sprinkling to the ground, reminiscient of tonight's earlier Ultraviolence Title Match. Opening the driver's side door, he climbs inside, sits behind the wheel and turns the key to the ignition.
Lex Robinson: Is... Chris Extreme leaving? What, now?
Steve Hebert: Hell no. He's aiming that car directly at Mike Phantasy. Actually, he's going to run Mike over! Holy shit! This is not good!
Lex Robinson: Oh my...
Steve Hebert: The revs, he drives back, oh no...!
Lex Robinson: He floors the pedal...!
Steve Hebert: Move, Mike, move!
The car's tires screech and Chris goes forward, pointing towards Mike Phantasy, at full speed! Chris sits behind the wheel, looking to mercilessly runover Mike, who is like a deer in the headlights.
Lex Robinson: Oh my...!
Steve Hebert: Damnit, no...!
...Fortunately for Mike, the car stalls inches in front of him, running out of gasoline!
Steve Hebert: Phew. Oh Jesus, phew. That was way too close.
Lex Robinson: Mike Phantasy had been screaming out, terrified. How lucky for him that car ran out of gas.
Steve Hebert: Who even has gas in parked, lottery winning cars, anyhow?!
Storming out of the front seat, an enraged Chris Extreme grabs Mike Phantasy and rips him off the chair, sending the ribbons everywhere.
Chris Extreme: Goddamnit.
Placing Mike Phantasy's head in between the car and the door, Chris slams it, cracking Mike's skull open! He does it again... and again... and once more for good measure!
Lex Robinson: This is brutal! Steve, someone get some help for Mike Phantasy!
Steve Hebert: I agree. Where are the medics?! Where are the cops?!
Lex Robinson: And he's going to do it again! Chris grabs Mike, looks at the blood running down from his scalp and yells at him.
Chris Extreme: You did it. I know it was you!
The emaciated Chris Extreme goes to smash Mike against the car once more. Before he can, Mike puts his hand on the red car, halting himself. Instead, he elbows Chris in the face, claws his eyes and grabs onto Chris.
Mike Phantasy: You son of a bitch...!
With one full swoop, Mike sends Chris Extreme headfirst through the driver's side window! Glass shatters everywhere and Chris hangs halfway in through the window, with the lower portion of his body dangling out!
Lex Robinson: Oh no!
Steve Hebert: So much for having a lottery draw. After what's been done to that car, it'd be lucky to be stolen from a junkyard.
Lex Robinson: And Mike is stumbling off, holding the back of his head. I'd be surprised if he wasn't concussed... or delirious!
Steve Hebert: Oh, how awful.
A bloodied mess, Mike Phantasy stumbles off, his head spinning. Chris Extreme, alternatively, remains laid out, hanging halfway in the car, his own blood dripping onto the front seat.
Steve Hebert: I was watching this guy’s promo all week looking for the secret messages Stevie Swing was supposed to make fun of, but I didn’t get them.
Lex Robinson: There weren’t any secret messages, Steve.
Steve Hebert: Then I kind of figured that they were like a Mad Magazine fold-in, so I scrunched the edges of my TV together and had to buy a new TV.
Lex Robinson: I... I...
Stevie Hebert: ...You think Decide owes me a new TV.
Lex Robinson: I don’t have words, Stevie.
Steve Hebert: You just had five, Lex.
"Mad World" by Gary Jules comes on over the P.A. system as the arena fades to black. White strobes begin to flash in three second intervals as Redmaine steps outs from the backstage area. He pauses at the entrance and holds both arms in they air, as if he is a king praising his subjects. The crowd unleashes an assault of boos as Redmaine smiles and casually makes his way to the ring, as the crowd continues to boo heavily. The arena goes completely black just before Redmaine reaches the ring. All of a sudden, the lights kick back on and Redmaine stands in the middle of the ring, with his arms raised above him. He is here... it is time...
Lex Robinson: And it looks like Redmaine will actually be wrestling this match tonight. Over the last few weeks, he’s allowed his apprentices to take the reigns for him in the ring.
Steve Hebert: Meaning that some of his apprentices have had more successful careers in Sin Wrestling than the dude they’re paying to teach them the ancient Greco-Roman art of cocksuckery.
Lex Robinson: Well, considering the level of talent his apprentices have had to face, he must be doing something right.
Steve Hebert: And today, by wrestling in no less than three matches, he’ll teach his students how to do everything wrong.
Lex Robinson: Why do you always have to be so negative?
Steve Hebert: I’m not negative, Lex. I’ve seen Redmaine’s library records. He’s teaching straight from Webster’s Big Book of Fail.
The lights dim, and the spotlights in the arena pulsate and dance across the arena, in tune to the primal drumbeat of At The Drive-In's Arcarsenal. The video screen above the entrance lights up, looking like faded paper, and overlapped with drawings of rotating, interconnected gears, half-finished mechanisms and small words in a strange text. The screen flashes back and forth between the blueprints and highlights of Teresa's SW career.
Steve Hebert: Teresa Quaranta might be hot for a man, but the length of her entrance is really outstripping her importance to this company these days.
Lex Robinson: T.Q.’s a former World Champion, Steve. She’s plenty important.
Steve Hebert: Being a former World Champion doesn’t mean you can waltz in here and put on a stage production gayer than Angels in America on HBO.
Lex Robinson: Wasn’t that a Pulitzer Prize winning play?
Steve Hebert: Plays are for faggots. Awards are for faggots. In conclusion, Teresa Quaranta is a faggot.
Lex Robinson: Well, she is technically gay.
Steve Hebert: Save your technicalities for the faggots who need them to win arguments.
Lex Robinson: Well, before GLADD comes down against Sin with a sternly written note, the match looks like its starting up…
And it has, the three competitors circling each other in grand tradition of every triple threat match ever contested. Redmaine measures Teresa Quaranta who measures Decide who measures Redmaine, and were this a more cautious sport, this vicious circle of measurement could last all night.
Lex Robinson: Remember Stevie, Redmaine and Decide are members of the same team in tonight’s main event, the Ultimate Survival match. Teresa Quaranta is on the other team. Do you think that Redmaine might want to team with Decide to take out T.Q. before tonight’s main event, Steve?
Steve Hebert: We have a main event tonight? I kind of stopped paying attention when Norton went crazy and walked off into a sunset made of the naked women who fuck him when he’s not a globe trotting, money making professional wrestler.
As if Redmaine and Decide heard Lex Robinson talk strategy, they nod to each other and go for a double chothesline to start the match!
Lex Robinson: Teresa Quaranta ducks a double clothesline! Redmaine and Decide turn around and find themselves on the receiving end of a dropkick from the former World Champion!
Steve Hebert: That ambush looks like it was planned by the Three Stooges.
Lex Robinson: But only two people ambushed T.Q.
Steve Hebert: Shemp flaked, remember?
Quaranta gets to her feet first, putting her in prime position to take on whoever rises to meet her. That happens to be Decide, who charges T.Q. in a blind rage and is taken up and over by an armdrag! Redmaine gets up and tries to rush Quaranta as well, but he gets flipped by another arm drag, landing right on top of Decide!
Lex Robinson: Teresa Quaranta is on a roll right now, and she has both men hooked up... double arm bar!
Steve Hebert: But it’s as ineffective as foreplay with Chelsea Pryce.
Lex Robinson: I highly doubt that any arm bar could be locked in for six hours.
Steve Hebert: Please, Lex. Kerry Windsor doesn’t know the meaning of “foreplay.”
Lex Robinson: Well, Teresa Quaranta might, as she’s trying to follow up her arm bar with a few kicks to Redmaine and Decide, but Redmaine trips TQ up and regains his footing.
Steve Hebert: Decide joins him and the two look like they’re going to spread Teresa’s legs wide like the slutty whore she is!
Lex Robinson: The pair of PG crusaders wishbone Teresa Quaranta…then stomp her in the crotch!
Steve Hebert: No big. I hear she gets off on that kind of shit.
TQ writhes on the mat in pain as her opponents, still holding on to one of her legs, continue to work over the former World Champion by locking in a double leg grapevine!
Lex Robinson: A double submission hold! If TQ gives up, we’ll have a draw.
Steve Hebert: If TQ quits, she’s a fucking pussy.
Lex Robinson: She doesn’t quit, though, stretching out her large frame to grab the ring ropes. Reluctantly, both men let go of TQ, who lands glancing kicks to them as they stand up! Neither of them take too kindly to this though, and they respond with a flury of stomps and kicks, forcing TQ through the ropes! She spills off the apron backward and lands smack on the back of her head!
Steve Hebert: If she dies, I’m fucking her girlfriend.
Redmaine and Decide talk strategy for a minute, then Decide gets down on all fours by the ring...
Steve Hebert: Decide showing just how fucking new age he is by performing some downward dog in the ring!
Lex Robinson: No, Steve, he’s on all fours to give Redmaine a platform to jump from! Redmaine gets a boost over the top rope…and lands a vicious stomp on the bridge of TQ’s nose, stomping her head like a grape!
Steve Hebert: She’s bleeding! Now where are the PG Police to stop this match? They’ve got Christmas ham at catering!
Lex Robinson: Redmaine remains on the attack, grabbing TQ’s head and ramming the back of it against the ring apron! Redmaine then kicks Teresa in the chest and laughs as she slumps over, exhausted.
Inside the ring, Decide, the Television Champion, is demanding that the referee start to count out his opponents!
Steve Hebert: What a fucking brilliant move!
...1...
Lex Robinson: Redmaine continues to focus his attack on Quaranta, now slamming her head forward onto the concrete floor!
Steve Hebert: If they make Quaranta retarded, I’m going to fuck her girlfriend.
Lex Robinson: You don’t seem to know how lesbians work, Steve?
...2...
Lex Robinson: Redmaine walks to the timekeeper’s table and picks up the timekeeper’s hammer!
Steve Hebert: Meanwhile, Teresa Quaranta is up and staggering around like David Hasselhoff. She takes a few blind swings at Redmaine, but he chucks the hammer at her and connects, putting her down!
Lex Robinson: Pinpoint accuracy there, Steve.
Steve Hebert: Which isn’t exactly what you’d expect from a former terrorist. You say “aim for a major target,” they try to crash a plane into Detroit.
...3...4...
Lex Robinson: Redmaine picks the hammer back up and kneels behind TQ. He raises the hammer up and drives the claw end into her forehead, digging and carving into it, causing Quaranta to scream out in pain!
Steve Hebert: If Redmaine had seen as many terrorist films as he clearly has slasher films, maybe he wouldn’t have needed to discover himself on the side of a mountain.
Lex Robinson: This is horrible, Steve! Quaranta is bleeding everywhere!
Steve Hebert: Meanwhile, Decide continues to chill out in the ring. Brilliant.
...5...6...
Lex Robinson: Rolling Teresa back inside, Redmaine watches as he stomps the life out of her, getting her blood all over his boot.
Steve Hebert: This is just complete decimation. I love it. This is a great plan they've concocted in order to keep the title in Deicide Anthony Elverum's clutches. I love it.
Pulling Teresa to her feet, in the corner, Deicide begins welting away on her, punching the life out of her. Redmaine rolls in with them, joining them in the corner. United, they kick and stomp on her, with Redmaine placing his foot across her throat, choking the life out of her.
Lex Robinson: Poor Teresa. Norton Security were nothing compared to these two.
Steve Hebert: Blood's coming down her pants. Blood's--- freudian slip, I know.
Lex Robinson: Disgusting, Steve.
Steve Hebert: Almost as disgusting as Redmaine and Deicide hoisting her into the air, delivering a back-suplex/neckbreaker combination! Bam! Down she goes! Redmaine allows for Deicide to make the cover.
The referee rushes around and slides to the ground, making the pinfall...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...
Steve Hebert: This is it!
...!
Lex Robinson: No! Teresa kicks out!
Steve Hebert: How the hell?!
Lex Robinson: That's what Redmaine and Deicide are wondering, too. Together, they pick her up and whip her into the ropes. Upon her rebound, Deicide catches her and holds her in the air, while Redmaine bounces off the ropes. He hits a leaping clothesline to TQ, who had been held in the air! Deicide is now holding onto her legs and is going to slingshot her across the ring, into the waiting clutches of Redmaine. He drops down, flinging her across the ring...
Steve Hebert: Redmaine goes for a big clothesline... but she latches on and delivers a swinging DDT! Goddamnit, that wasn't supposed to happen!
Lex Robinson: At first, Deicide doesn't realize the mistake, so it takes him a while to stand. When he does, he notices Teresa beginning to rise. Running at her, he goes for a running boot to the skull, but she swings out of the way! She knees him in the gut and then applies a standing butterfly-stretch! She tries to lift him up, but it's useless!
Steve Hebert: He's going to backdrop her...
Lex Robinson: But she slides out of it, landing back on her feet. Seeing Deicide turning around, she runs at him, leaps into the air and nails a jumping single-knee strike! Down goes Anthony Elverum, that madman!
On her knees, Teresa breathes hard, wiping some of the blood out of her face. Eyeing Redmaine rising, she stands, nailing a spinning back-kick to his stomach. Applying a cravate, she brings him down to one knee, realizing Deicide is slowly rising, as well.
Steve Hebert: Oh, thank God. Deicide will save things.
He runs at her, hoping to break things up. He goes for another running boot, but just like last time, he misses. Actually, Teresa pulls Redmaine in front of her, resulting in Deicide accidentally booting him in the face, knocking him into the ropes!
Steve Hebert: Aw, Christ! He screwed up!
Lex Robinson: Redmaine is knocked into the ropes. Deicide turns around and is battered with kicks, chops and knees from Teresa. Backing him into the corner, Teresa steps up onto the middle rope and stomps on his chest, only to jump back down and nail a spinning chop to the chest! Bringing him down to one knee with a flurry of rapid kicks, she climbs to the apron and ascends to the top turnbuckle pad. She's going for the Buzzard Knee!
As she's on the corner, Redmaine bursts out of the corner, catching her with a stiff forearm to the jaw. Climbing onto the middle rope, Redmaine clutches on to her and sends her flying with a release belly-to-belly superplex!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Thank God for Redmaine.
Lex Robinson: He came out of nowhere, stopping Teresa in her tracks. Standing back, he watches her rises, moves his elbow back and forth and appears to be warming up for a running-forearm. Here he goes...
Running towards Teresa, he is unable to stop himself when she drop down, hitting the canvas. As a result, he charges into Deicide, nailing him with a vicious forearm, knocking him into the ropes!
Steve Hebert: Oh, goddamnit! No! That was an accident! That wasn't supposed to happen!
Lex Robinson: What awareness of presence shown by Teresa! She comes up behind Redmaine and nails him with a snap mare driver! Instead of going for a cover, she sees Deicide still afloat against the ropes. Getting back up, she steps aside from a swinging blow from him, grabs his arms and pulls him in, applying a butterfly stretch!
Steve Hebert: No! She can't get him up, though! He holds his ground.
Lex Robinson: Maybe she can't. So she decides to turn things around by wrapping her own legs around his waist! It's a guillotine/butterfly-stretch combination! She has him down, unable to move! He's quitting! Deicide is tapping out! Teresa's done it!
Steve Hebert: No! No@ Goddamnit, no!
Throwing his headphones down in anguish, Steve Hebert appears quite frustrated. The fans are on their feet, cheering for Teresa, who is given the Television Title, adding to her collection for tonight.
Lex Robinson: This is Teresa's second victory tonight and second award she's collected. Will she make it a three-peat in the the main event, when she tries to become the "Ultimate Survivor" and World Champion?!
Steve Hebert: God, I hope not. How horrendous would that be. She used to be cool and hip... until she started to appreciate these awful fans. She started sucking up to them and she lost all her lustre. Bring back the old Teresa. The one that got Travis Miller fired from his job.
As she is awarded with the title, she stands to her feet, showing some blood on her face. Holding the title into the air, she walks into the corner, getting a loud ovation from the fans. Hopping to the floor, she walks around the front row, getting high-fives from the fans.
Lex Robinson: Calm yourself, Steve. You don't want another Flame situation here. You don't want to be nearly set on fire again, do you?
Steve Hebert: Awful. Don't remind me. Fuck all of this.
Teresa Quaranta walks to the back, with the fans on their feet. After the match, Redmaine looks on from the outside, shaking his head, while Deicide gets up, quite groggy from having the buttefly-stretch/guillotine combo. Things are not looking good between them, as Redmaine slaps his hands on the mat and Anthony Elverum gets up and kicks the bottom rope, out of sheer frustration.
The words illuminate the screen for several seconds, as fog begins to roll
onto the stage and entrance ramp.
Down a hole, up a rope
Matthew Good's voice creeps out of the speakers and the lights grow
all the more darker. Mike Phantasy comes walking out, looking incensed. There's blood coming down the back of his skull and he looks serious as hell. Walking down to the ringside area, he slides inside, walks up to the ring announcer and snatches the microphone away from him.
Steve Hebert: Mike Phantasy is out here. He's got something to say. Hopefully it's a lot, considering he has been brawling with Chris Extreme, all freakin' night.
Lex Robinson: By the looks of things, he's been on the losing end. My, he's bruised and ugly. Blood flows down the back of his skull, down his stringy hair and down onto his shoulders. Yuck.
Steve Hebert: Now he has the microphone.
Mike Phantasy: Cut the music. Cut the goddamn music.
As soon as the words are spoken, Matthew Good's "Everything is Automatic" stops playing on the speakers.
Mike Phantasy: This ends now! Chris Extreme, get out here. Get in this forsaken ring.
A voice is heard shouting throughout the arena:
Lex Robinson: Business is about to pick up!
Steve Hebert: It looks like he has just rubbed his bald, penislike head against a bloody vagina.
Lex Robinson: He has a serious expression on his face. He isn't playing games.
Steve Hebert: Of course, he also looks like he hasn't eaten in weeks, all emaciated and weak. He stumbles to the ring, blaming Mike Phantasy for his kidnapping. Oh God, get him, Mike.
Lex Robinson: Still with the microphone in his hand, Mike Phantasy grips it hard.
Suddenly, Mike drops to his knees, in a prayer position.
Lex Robinson: What the...
Steve Hebert: I... am not sure. Even Chris is confused.
Lex Robinson: Mike has fallen to his knees and is looking up at Chris Extreme. What's going on?
The microphone is brought back up to Mike Phantasy's mouth. Confused, Chris Extreme stands over him, not knowing what the fuck.
Mike Phantasy: I did it!
A look of grief washes over Chris Extreme.
Lex Robinson: Is he admitting to kidnapping Chris Extreme?!
Steve Hebert: It seems like it. Hell if I know.
Mike Phantasy: You heard me! I did it. I convinced Mercedes to kidnap you! It was me!
Steve Hebert: Holy shit, it was Mike Phantasy!
Surprise washes over Chris Extreme's face, appearing shocked.
Mike Phantasy: We did it to save you. Your cancer is destroying you. It's destroying your mind. It's making you sick. It's perverting you, turning you into a monster. You need to be cured. You needed to go face-to-face with everything you've done. You needed to look in the mirror and face yourself. We did it. We conconcted the plan.
Lex Robinson: Wait, "we"?
Mike Phantasy: We did it to try and cure you and to treat you, like the treatment I've had. Thanks to Christ Carson, I now see things in a better light. He convinced me to do this to save you. To try and save Sin Wrestling, by taking you out of the equation.
Lex Robinson: Are you hearing this?
Steve Hebert: I'm not deaf, Lex. Frankly, I'm as shocked as you are.
Mike Phantasy: Christ Carson convinced me that you need to face your sins and confront your demons. We did it for you.
Lex Robinson: My God, that's sick.
Chris Extreme's hands roll into fists. He begins to wail away on Mike Phantasy, who remains on his knees, not protecting himself, receiving an amount of punches to the face. Carefully unloaded on Mike, Chris Extreme has his back turned to the entrance, which has Christ Carson walking down, much to the hatred of the fans.
Lex Robinson: What's he doing here?!
Steve Hebert: Hopefully coming to the aide of Mike Phantasy. It's nice that someone has finally bought into Chris Carson's words.
Lex Robinson: Enough of his holistic, evangelical bullshit. I blame Corey Ashton for killing "The Creep". This is all his fault.
Steve Hebert: I, for one, am pleased to have Christ grace us with his presence. Kneel down and pray, Lex.
Lex Robinson: I'll pass.
Seeing Chris Extreme beatdown Mike Phantasy, Christ Carson slides into the ring, creeps up behind Chris and spins him around, flooring him with a punch to the face!
Lex Robinson: So much for that holistic approach, hey?
Steve Hebert: Sometimes drastic measures are needed.
Popping back up, Chris Extreme turns his attention towards Christ Carson, who blocks attempts at a comeback from Extreme and instead nails him with some shots of his own! Over and over, Christ punches away at Chris Extreme, backing him into the corner, where he begins nailing him with some back-elbows.
Steve Hebert: Yes! Hammer him! Exorcise the demon out of him!
Lex Robinson: Chris Carson has come, interjecting in things. Apparently, he was the one that put the idea of kidnapping Chris Extreme into Mike Phantasy's mind. Mike seems to have been brainwashed by Chris's Biblical idiocy.
Steve Hebert: It's not idiocy. On top of that, it's Christ Carson; not Chris.
Lex Robinson: Oh yeah, I forgot. He changed that after dropping "The Creep", as well. Ridiculous. I hope Jesus is proud of him. As a proud atheist, I am sickened.
Steve Hebert: You just need God in your life. You're just mad because you were molested by a priest when you were 8. Get over it, already.
Lex Robinson: But I wasn't--... actually, nevermind. Chris Extreme is getting hammered by Christ Carson, who nails him with some more elbows.
Steve Hebert: Good! Destroy Chris Extreme. Destroy his legend. Kill the demon. Burn him alive!
Mike Phantasy stands to his feet, in the center of the ring, and watches as Christ Carson does his business with Chris Extreme. He whips Chris across the ring, forces him off the ropes and catches him with a big backdrop, knocking Chris Extreme onto his back.
Lex Robinson: Now, Christ Carson is hoisting Chris Extreme onto his shoulders, in a crucifix position.
Steve Hebert: Crucify him! Crucify him!
Lex Robinson: "The Chris-ofix"! From this crucifixion position, Christ Carson brings him down with a neckbreaker! He is out.
Steve Hebert: Yes! Finally.
Lex Robinson: He's doing this to a cancer patient, too.
Steve Hebert: If Chris Extreme were as cancerous as he claims, he'd be dead by now, Lex. Don't delude yourself. The only cancer inside of him is evil and Christ Carson will vanquish it.
Having some of Chris Extreme's blood on his white shirt, Christ Carson adjusts his collar and stands over him. Looking down at Chris Extreme, Christ Carson shakes his head, peturbed at Chris's choices in life. With Mike Phantasy grabbing the microphone, Chris Carson applies the "Humilitas", a version of the Camel Clutch!
Lex Robinson: Oh God, it just gets worse for Chris Extreme, who is trapped and is unable to move. What is Mike Phantasy even doing, right now?
Steve Hebert: He's holding the microphone to Christ Carson's mouth.
Christ Carson begins to speak...
Christ Carson: Out, damn demon, out! I vanquish you!
Even using his hands to pull on Chris Extreme's eyelids, Christ Carson yanks back, making Chris Extreme groan in absolute pain! Still with the microphone held to his face, Chris Carson continues speaking, his face turning red, as bile spews out.
Christ Carson: You have a man who can barely be called a man. You have a shell of a human that God has inflicted with cancer just for the sheer enjoyment of seeing his pagan body consumed one diseased cell at a time. You have a twisted soul who pledged himself to Hitler. You have a disgusting perverted freak who once desicrated the Bible by having sex with his own sister!
Carson's voice is almost drowned out by the audience's heckling.
Christ Carson: You have a murderous wretch who tried to kill the president of this federation. You have someone who, for some inexplicable reason, was eaten and excreted by a monster he created, as if his own body was the excremental residue that came from him! Simply put, you have a monstrosity, a vile rodent who weighed the value of his own ego against humanity and wished that all of it would "die"!
Dropping Chris down, Christ Carson stands up and readjusts his bloodied shirt.
Lex Robinson: This is just insane babbling. Stop this retarded sermon.
Steve Hebert: Quiet, Lex, an important man has something to say. Say some prayers to yourself or something.
Lex Robinson: I'd rather die.
On his feet, Carson begins pointing a finger at random fans on each word.
Christ Carson: And need I remind you all, YOU supported him. You're all just as bad as him.
Booooo!
Lex Robinson: Now that's just asinine.
Carson waits for the boos to subside, which takes about a minute. The bridge of his nose curls up as he finishes his drivel.
Christ Carson: There needs to be a man who can pass such judgment in Sin. There needs to be someone unafraid of being a judge, a jury, and an executioner. There needs to be someone that can provide the swift judgment of God Himself, and that person should be ME, Christ Carson!
Again, more jeers pour in.
Steve Hebert: These ingrates need to shut their mouth and let Chris Carson speak.
Taking the microphone away from Mike Phantasy, Christ Carson speaks some more, giving some final words.
Christ Carson: Not only will I exorcise you, Chris Extreme, but I will stricken the demon out of each and every one of you monsters. Let's not forget the reason why we're all here, too. For that baby Jesus, who grew up to sacrifice himself for US. You heathens make Christmas all about the money and false idols, such as Santa Claus. That's sickening. I am here to remind you all about that little baby Jesus. Don't forget. Don't you ever forget.
Christ Carson nods to Mike Phantasy and throws the microphone down. Exiting to the floor, Christ Carson walks to the back, with Mike Phantasy walking behind him.
Lex Robinson: I can't believe Mike Phantasy. Having converted to Christ Carson's hypocritical, evangeical Christianity that would even make Billy Grahame roll his eyes.
Steve Hebert: I always thought Mike Phantasy was a Jew, too! But hey, everyone can change. Everyone can change their belief to the one, true God.
Lex Robinson: Are you kidding me?!
Steve Hebert: It's true, Lex, I'm sorry. You don't see Christ Carson's God sending followers on bombing missions, killing innocent people on busses. You don't see him believing in aliens coming to save us.
Lex Robinson: It's still fanatical and insane. Heck, I'd almost rather pray to aliens.
Steve Hebert: You're just delusional.
Lex Robinson: Oh, how ironic.
Chris Carson and Mike Phantasy disappear behind the entrance curtain, leaving Chris Extreme laid out in the ring, in a pool of his own blood. Slowly, he begins to stir and crawls helplessly out of the ring, weak and worn down. Rolling to the floor, he bends over, wipes some blood out of his eyes and wanders to the backstage area.
Lex Robinson: And now it's time to commemorate 3 new additions to the Hall of Fame.
Steve Hebert: Please let it be us. Oh God, please let it be us. Fuck it. Just let it be me. All this hard work and dedication for nothing. C'mon, give me my due. I've been here, year after year, sweating my fat ass off for all of this.
Lex Robinson: Shhh, let's listen in.
Ace walks up to the microphone, clears his throat and begins speaking.
Ace Rodgers: Ladies and gentlemen, we gather here tonight to celebrate the holiday season and to celebrate success and victory. It's right here, right now, we remind ourselves of the things we love and the things we cherish. It's tonight that we celebrate the top of the crop and those that have made their name known. It's tonight--...
Steve Hebert: Alright, come on. Christ.
Ace Rodgers: --... that we name the newest members of Sin Wrestling's Hall of Fame!
The crowd lets out a loud cheer, wondering who will be the next inductees into the prestigious club.
Ace Rodgers: No more waiting. It happens now. We have 3 new members of the Hall of Fame. And the first new member is...!
Steve Hebert: "Steve Hebert"! Right? Right?! Right?!
Lex Robinson: If we could be so lucky.
Steve Hebert: I wish.
Removing an envelop from his pocket, Ace Rodgers begins opening it. Everyone quiets down, listening to the first name to be called.
Lex Robinson: Here it is...
Ace Rodger: Corey Ashton!
Steve Hebert: Yes! That's my boy!
Lex Robinson: Ehh...
"Ready or Not" by The Fugees plays on the speakers. Corey Ashton comes out, looking composed and showing no emotion, not even a hint of joy on his face. He walks down to the ringside area, slips inside, gets to his feet and is awarded his plaque and trophy by Ace Rodgers, who steps aside, giving Corey some room to talk.
Lex Robinson: Mister Ashton is all smiles, as usual.
Steve Hebert: Don't mock him. He's a troubled man. His life is much harder than your life, which involves sitting on the couch and eating nachos and watching Al Pacino movies all day long.
Lex Robinson: ...Isn't that your life, Steve?
Steve Hebert: Aw, shit, you got me.
Lex Robinson: [sarcastic] Yes, obviously.
A mixture of cheers and jeers comes pouring in for Corey Ashton, who doesn't respond.
Corey Ashton: This is a great way to cap off the year, which saw me kill off "The Creep" once and for all. If only half of you can be killed, as well.
The fans boo Corey Ashton, who shows zero respect for being added to the Hall of Fame. To quell these jeers, an awkward Ace Rodgers steps up to the podium to move things along.
Steve Hebert: Well, that went well.
Lex Robinson: Yikes. what a cold reception. He could have been a little happier to be added, but oh well. Maybe the next person will be happier. We have a total of three people. Corey Ashton's the first; who are the next two?
Steve Hebert: It could be us! It's our time, now. It has to be!
Ace Rodgers: Uhm... well... okay, moving on...!
Trying to restore things, Ace looks over his left shoulder, peering at Corey Ashton, who steps into the corner. He rips open the next envelope, revealing the name of the next person to be inducted.
Ace Rodgers: The next inductee is someone you all know very well. He's been around for a long, long time...
Steve Hebert: Hey, we've been here since the beginning. It has to be us!
Lex Robinson: Hmm...
Ace Rodgers: Here he is...
Ace points to the entrance.
Ace Rodgers: It's Travis f'n Miller!
Steve Hebert: Damnit!
Lex Robinson: Whoa! Finally! After over 6 years, Travis Miller has been inducted into the Hall of Fame.
Steve Hebert: About 10 years too early, might I add.
Lex Robinson: You used to love "T-Mill", Steve. Remember that's what you named him!
Steve Hebert: I'm grumbling here. Trust me.
The tune of Arch's Enemy's "We Will Rise" blasts across the speakers. Travis Miller comes walking out, a huge grin plastered across his face. He walks down to the ringside area, slaps some fans' hands, climbs up the steel steps and climbs onto the middle rope, listening to the fans chants.
Lex Robinson: Listen to the cheers pour in! These guys love Travis Miller.
Steve Hebert: I know. Isn't it sickening? Makes me want to puke. Where was this love for Corey Ashton? Furthermore, why wasn't I inducted?
Lex Robinson: This is Travis's time, Steve. It's not a time to pat ourselves on the back.
Steve Hebert: So, what you're saying is that I'll be added next?
Stepping into the ring, Travis walks over to Ace Rodgers, greets him with a big handshake and hug and receives his award. Holding them high into the air, he nods his head, listening to the cheers for him come rolling in.
Steve Hebert: Yuck! Douchechills galore.
Stepping up to the microphone, Travis Miller is still grinning from ear-to-ear. Soaking up the cheers, he looks into the crowd and begins to speak.
Travis Miller: Fuckin' right. About time, hey?
He stops to listen to the cheers.
Steve Hebert: What a suck-up.
Lex Robinson: Shhh.
Travis Miller: They said I would be in Ultimate Survival. It was a lie. They said I would be in the main event. It was a lie. They said I'd never be inducted.
He pauses.
Travis Miller: Well, look at me now!
Steve Hebert: Booo!
Despite Steve's jeers, the rest of the crowd cheers for Travis Miller.
Travis Miller: Not only will I defeat that scum, Xander Gates and make him shake my hand; but I am going to earn that World Title shot. You heard it right here, first: Travis Miller will become the World Champion in 2011.
Steve Hebert: Yeah, and I'll lose 10 pounds.
Just as Miller echoes those words, though, he is attacked from behind by Corey Ashton, who bashes Travis across the skull with the award he won!
Lex Robinson: Whoa! Wait a second!
Steve Hebert: Well shit, if that's a part of the induction process, then thank fuck. Leave me out of it.
Lex Robinson: We're not even finished the ceremony, for Christ's sake!
The fans loudly boo Corey Ashton's actions. He stands over Travis Miller and speaks into the microphone.
Corey Ashton: No. In 2011, I'M going to be World Champion.
Having taken Travis Miller's moment away from him, Corey Ashton throws down his award, rolls out of the ring and walks to the back, getting booed heavily by the fans.
Steve Hebert: Now that I can live with. Corey's too good for this awful Hall of Fame, anyhow. I mean, it has Morgana in it, for crying out loud. That two-faced, lying cuntbag. She told Corey Page she would always be his friend; and look how that turned out! She destroyed him! She used him! She used Corey Page until he couldn't give anymore. When he couldn't, she cut the ties!
Lex Robinson: ...What did I tell you?
Steve Hebert: I'm sorry; but it has to be said. Fuck her, anyhow.
Lex Robinson: You're a lunatic. And if Corey Page can't move on, then he's a lunatic, too.
Steve Hebert: Of course, you turn on him, too. Everyone does. But don't worry, I am here for the ol' vegetable.
Lex Robinson: I'm sure you are. Prepping yourself for that next raise, I see.
Steve Hebert: Yup!
As Ace Rodgers checks on Travis Miller, who holds the back of his head, Corey Ashton walks to the back, leaving behind a scorned man.
Steve Hebert: Corey Ashton's out of here. He threw his Hall of Fame award down and walked out, after making it known that he plans on becoming World Champion in 2011.
Lex Robinson: Travis Miller won't be happy about that; but he still has to face Xander Gates. Granted, his moment has been taken away from him, he still needs to get up and fight.
Steve Hebert: He needs to continue laying there and let Xander Gates, that madman, pin him.
After some attention is given to him, Travis Miller is aided up to his feet, allowing the ceremony to continue. Ace Rodgers, looking surprised and horrified, steps back up to the podium to announce the third and final inductee.
Steve Hebert: It better be me right now.
Lex Robinson: If you get in and I don't, it'd be shocking. So, don't hold your breath.
Steve Hebert: Look, if holding my breath gets me inducted, I'll do it, goddamnit. Even if it turns me into David Carradine, complete with hand down my pants.
Lex Robinson: Ugh.
Ace Rodgers shuffles some papers, taps the microphone and restores sanity.
Ace Rodgers: Alright, sorry everyone... and sorry, Travis, for that unwanon attack. It was a disgrace and definitely should not have happened. If I knew it'd happen, I would have stopped him.
Steve Hebert: Pfft. The only way Ace Rodgers could have stopped him is if he had a shotgun in his back pocket.
Lex Robinson: I don't doubt that for a second.
Going back to business, Ace removes the final envelope from his inner pocket. Ripping it open, he begins to read out the name.
Ace Rodgers: Oh boy.
Steve Hebert: Oh shit. That's me. Steve Hebert time!
Lex Robinson: No, sit down, would ya? Sheesh.
Ace Rodgers: This one is long overdue, as well.
Steve Hebert: It IS me! I knew it.
Ace Rodgers: The final member of the 2010 Hall of Fame class is...
Steve Hebert: Say my name. Come on. Do it.
...tension builds...
Ace Rodgers: Corey Page!
Steve Hebert: What?! That cripple! He owns the place! Is this even legal?! Someone call the cops!
Lex Robinson: That's someone else that's long overdue, Steve. Ace was right. Corey Page created this place, he should be in.
Steve Hebert: The motherfucker gets shot at least once per month. His near-death experiences happen every second week. He used to employ a goat as a secretary!
Lex Robinson: And yet, here we are.
Corey Page manages to wheel himself onto the entrance, finding the strength in his arms to bring him out. Slowly, he wheels down, getting a raving reaction from the fans, who stand to their feet and cheer him on, despite his sadder, angrier demeanour, as of late.
Steve Hebert: Poor motherfuckin' cripple. He'll find the person that tried to end his life one of these days. He and OJ will team up and find those cocksuckers. I just know it.
Lex Robinson: It's been a hard year for Corey Page. Being rewarded like this is actually a good thing. Maybe now he'll cheer up and stop being such a downer.
Steve Hebert: He just needs a big hug. Go hug him, Lex.
Lex Robinson: No thanks. I'm a no hugging kind of guy.
When he finally reaches the ringside area, Corey Page stalls at ringside. He looks up and down, realizing there is no way he can get inside of the ring. Red faced and embarrassed, be begins yelling at several security guards, who scurry over and help him into the ring.
Steve Hebert: Those dummies leave him hanging out there. I hope they get fired. All of them. Even Ace Rodgers.
Lex Robinson: If Corey Page fires them over that, then he really needs to get over himself. Just cheer up and move on. My god.
Steve Hebert: You just don't know what it's like. You don\t understand Corey Page.
Lex Robinson: Finally in the ring, thanks to some help from Ace Rodgers--...
Steve Hebert: More like "no thanks to Ace Rodgers."
Lex Robinson: Eh, well, he's in the ring and is receiving his award. There you have it, folks. This year's Hall of Fame inductees. We can't even get a picture of them, either, because Corey Ashton decided to strike Travis Miller for insinuating he'll be World Champ in 2011, then high-tailed it out of here.
Steve Hebert: I don't blame him. Who'd want to be a part of this shoddy Hall of Fame, anyhow?
Lex Robinson: Sour grapes. Always sour grapes.
Corey Page rolls up to the podium and begins to talk into the microphone. He listens to the cheers he receives.
Corey Page: Thank you, thank you. Thanks.
Nodding his head, he looks around, still seated in his wheelchair.
Corey Page: First of all, I'd like to thank... myself and only myself. I used to have people that I cared about. But they all left me! And now I'm alone. Even you people turned your back on me! Where were the "Get Well" cards? Huh? Morgana didn't visit me. Chris Extreme abandoned me. You people keep taking and taking from me. Well, screw you. Screw all of you!
Lex Robinson: What the... hell...?
Steve Hebert: Corey Page has lost his mind. It's about goddamn time. I love it!
The fans are in disarray. They have no clue how to respond to this. For the first time ever, Corey Page is showing disdain towards them. The long-beloved face of Sin Wrestling is now uttering words of vitriol, blaming them for his condition and mental anguish.
Corey Page: It's all of you. You people ruined me. You ruined every friendship and relationship I had! Kitty Extreme? Left me for a wannabe black guy. Tony Millennia? He died for all of you. You pushed him too far. Morgana? She's obsessed with Twilight and has gone into a Twilight-related psychosis and is now only interested in surrounding herself with fucking unfunny weirdos, creeps, douchebags and fat lesbians that write shitty erotica. Chris Extreme? Too busy being kidnapped and fighting with Mike Phantasy. All because of you. Nikita? Abducted by aliens. All your fault. Everything is all your fault! I hate you all! Fuck the Hall of Fame! I run this place! I should kick Harvey Dents such as Morgana out! This is my show and you pillage and ruin me. Just die. I want to die. Love is dead. Love saves no one. Nothing exists. I give myself to nothing because I am a nobody that used to be a somebody. It was nice being a somebody, but now I'm just a nobody. A fucking piece of shit, scum.
Corey angrily wheels himself backwards, getting jeered by the fans. His self-hatred, loneliness, abandonment issues and physical disability finally driven him to the brink of insanity.
Lex Robinson: Holy...
Steve Hebert: My God. Corey Page has finally done it. He's finally lost his godforsaken mind. I think I love it. He's right, too. Everything is the fault of these assholes. They did 9/11, too. Fuck them.
Lex Robinson: I am... wow...
Steve Hebert: It's a longtime coming, that's for sure. About someone time someone said. I never expected it'd be Corey Page, though. Good lord.
Helped out of the ring, Corey Page is set back on the floor and wheels himself to the back, getting jeered by the fans. Even Travis Miller, who is on his feet, inside the ring, looks confused.
Lex Robinson: Not even Travis Miller knows how to respond.
Steve Hebert: That probably has something to do with him getting clunked upside the skull, Lex.
Lex Robinson: Besides that. Corey Page's entire speech... it was rambling, insane, full of vitriol...
Steve Hebert: Good. And it's all so true. He really is a piece of shit and scumbag. It's nice that he's finally embracing it.
Lex Robinson: Self-pity and self-hatred has finally destroyed him. My god, he has gone nuts.
Steve Hebert: Good. F'n good.
Corey Page wheels himself to the back, having the fans jeer him, for the first time in his career. Travis Miller, meanwhile, tries to regain his balance, wondering if everything he has just witnessed is a concussion-related hallucatination. It's not.
Lex Robinson: We have the number one contender's match up next. But I don't know how it's going to match up to that giant bomb Corey Page just dropped.
Steve Hebert: We already have that moron, Travis Miller in the ring. Let's get Xander Gates out here to finish him off.
Lex Robinson: God. To someone with a soul, like Travis Miller, that has to leave him stunned. Fortunately for Xander Gates, he is a demon, so I'm guessing he can work through this. I... I just don't know anymore.
Steve Hebert: I think I like the new Corey Page. Now, as long as Xander Gates can beat Travis Miller and put his words back in his own mouth, it'd be perfect.
The podium is cleared out of the ring, allowing for the next match to start. Travis Miller steps into the corner, holds the back of his head, winces and waits for his opponent to arrive.
Lex Robinson: Pulling off his robe, Xander prepares for his match. He wants to walk out with that title shot as much as Travis Miller does.
Steve Hebert: How funny would it have been if Xander had de-robed himself and he wasn't wearing any pants? Or better yet, if he had been hiding a child there.
Lex Robinson: The ever-miserable Corey Ashton may have hit Travis Miller, but he's on his feet, ready to go. Despite that, Xander looks like he wants to start things. This is a match involving respect, or lack thereof.
Steve Hebert: Don't forget about that title shot! I believe that's even more important.
Lex Robinson: Well, yeah. We have Xander Gates taking on Travis Miller. These two have been at odds since Illusions, in which Xander Gates refused to shake Travis's hand, after losing to him post-match. Since then, Xander has been showing weird behaviour, showing just how much of an evil bastard he is.
Steve Hebert: Christ Carson should put a cross around him and cast the demon, Azazel out.
Lex Robinson: I have no idea if he's possessed or what, but he's shown some cold-blooded behaviour. However, Travis has a chance to one-up him here tonight. This is his chance to walk out with the respect he deserves and with the title shot that has been long overdue.
Steve Hebert: Feh.
When the bell rings, Xander Gates runs across the ring, going after Travis Miller, trying to strike him with a running elbow-shot. Seeing this, Travis Miller steps aside, prompting Xander to run into the corner and elbow the turnbuckles.
Lex Robinson: I told you Xander was looking to start things. He immediately bursts across the ring, looking to strike Travis Miller, who steps out of the way. Miller goes on the offensive, punching away at Xander, who is now being punched away at!
Steve Hebert: Goddamnit, these shots are peppering Xander in the face. That isn't how he imagined things starting.
Lex Robinson: Whipping Xander from corner-to-corner, Travis travels in, hoping to hit an avalanche clothesline, but runs into a big kick from Xander, knocking him back. Charging out of the corner, Xander Gates drops Miller with an STO and commences pounding away on his head with some punches.
Steve Hebert: This is a battle of the bald. Two big penises brawling with each other. Two cocks rolling around the ground, brawling with one another.
Lex Robinson: That reminds me: Remember when Xander Gates married Travis Miller to Cock, the wrestler?
Steve Hebert: God, don't remind me. Travis ended up with hepatitis and everything.
Annoyed with Xander hovering over him and punching him, Travis soon turns things around, rolling atop Xander and punching the life out of him. Frustrated, Xander slips away and rolls to the floor, trying to avoid any more attacks from Travis Miller, whom he had misjudged as being too injured to mount a comeback.
Lex Robinson: Xander is on the floor and he's flipping out. He had hoped to use this as an advantage to try and surprise Miller, but that's blown up in his face.
Steve Hebert: Travis Miller, that tool, is chasing after Xander, though. Agh!
Lex Robinson: Seeing this, Xander rolls back inside, slipping away from Miller, who slides in after him. Wait--... Xander kicks and stomps on Travis Miller, maybe that was part of his plan, afterall.
Steve Hebert: Haha, serves that big dope right.
Lex Robinson: Laying in a plethora od kicks, Xander keeps Travis floored. Picking him up, he snap suplexes Miller, bounces off the ropes and returns with a kneedrop to the forehead, which probably smashes Travis's skull in.
Steve Hebert: I love how, these past few weeks, Travis thought he was cool and on Team Norton. What an idiot. A complete sucker.
Lex Robinson: They duped him. But that's okay. Miller doesn't need anybody or anything. As long as he can walk out of this match, with that number one contendership, he'll be happy.
Steve Hebert: His first one-on-one World Title in how many years, too. Same thing for Xander Gates, who will slash all of Miller's hopes and dreams. Xander is the dream-killer. It's as simple as that.
Xander Gates wrenches onto both of Travis's arms, yanking back on them, while putting his left foot against his back. Arching back on Travis's arms, Xander laughs, listening to the roars of pain come from him.
Steve Hebert: An evil sneer is across Xander's face. He seems to be enjoying Travis's miserable grunts. Haha, awesome. I bet Miller makes those same sounds when constipated.
Lex Robinson: This is a good way to pull a chest muscle. To add insult to injury, Xander is even using his foot to push and stomp on Miller's back, trying to extend the hold even further. ...And now Xander begins kicking at the back of Travis's skull, hoping to wear him down. This is ridiculous.
Steve Hebert: It may be, but it's still legal. Furthermore, it keeps Miller down.
The fans are solidly behind Travis, who is on his knees, trying to get back up, only to be struck with kicks to the back of his skull. As soon as he seems to be mounting a comeback, Xander releases his hold, knees him in the back of his skull, pulls him to his feet and applies a standing reverse-waistlock.
Lex Robinson: Xander Gates with a German suplex! He actually rolls through it, getting up and reverse-jackniving himself onto Miller's legs, putting all of his weight down on him! He's making the pinfall!
Steve Hebert: Yes!
The referee jumps down, making a quick count...!
Lex Robinson: The count is being made...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...!
...!
Lex Robinson: No! Travis kicks out!
Steve Hebert: Damnit. Stay down, asshole.
Lex Robinson: Xander Gates gets back up, taking Travis up with him. Wristlocking him, Xander pulls Travis in, crosses Miller's own arm across his face and cradles his leg. Xander nails a cutthroat cradle back-suplex!
Steve Hebert: Miller was dropped on the back of his head! That better keep him down, still.
Lex Robinson: What's interesting is that Xander doesn't go for the cover. Instead, he continues to kick and stomp him, forcing Miller into a slumping position against the bottom turnbuckles. In here, Xander propels himself into the air and comes down, delivering some brutal kicks and stomps into Travis's face. Damn!
Steve Hebert: Re-arrange that douche's face. Show him who's the baddest. Show him that you have zero intention of shaking his slimy, scaly, filthy hand.
Lex Robinson: Moving into the opposite corner, Xander steadies himself and looks at Travis Miller writhing in the corner. With the perpetual sneer on his face, Xander shoots himself across the ring, moving fast...
Steve Hebert: Here goes...!
Hoping to hit some sort of running-kick to Miller's face, in the corner, Xander runs wildly at him. For his fortunes, he runs directly into a mule-kick from Travis Miller, who places both of his legs/feet together and jabs them into an incoming Xander Gates's abdomen!
Lex Robinson: Miller avoids punishment by getting his feet off, knocking Xander Back. This allows for Travis to pull himself up, using the top rope. However, once he turns around, he has Xander Gates charge at him again, connecting with an enziguiri!
Steve Hebert: Yes! He spills between the ropes and lands on the apron, too stupid to full roll to the floor.
Lex Robinson: Back up and holding his gut, Xander lifts Travis up and begins choking him across the top rope, holding his neck down, cutting off oxygen. While held in this spot, Miller is blasted with some shots that try to knock him back, off the apron, but he hangs on, refusing to drop down. To his own accord, Travis fires some punches to Xander, but Xander blocks them and nails some thrusts to the throat of Travis Miller, cutting off even more oxygen.
Steve Hebert: Saying "Screw it", Xander climbs onto the middle rope, looking to nail a slingshot-superplex on Travis. It has to be done.
With his arm wrapped around Travis Miller, Xander tries lifting him, but Miller wraps his right leg around the middle rope.
Lex Robinson: Travis blocks it, though! He holds his ground. Pushing Xander back down, he latches on to him and goes to suplex him to the floor! Wait, no!
Steve Hebert: Xander slides out behind Miller! He stands behind him, on the apron, wraps his arm around Miller's fat waist and tries to German supex him to the floor! This will kill him. Now that's what I'm talkin' about.
Lex Robinson: But Travis hangs on for dear life! Using both of his hands, he hangs onto the top rope, refusing to be thrown to the floor! Instead, he begins battling Xander with some mean elbows to the face.
Steve Hebert: That bastard!
Lex Robinson: Now having Xander side-by-side with him, they begin exchanging shots on the apron. Xander delivers some chops to the chest of Travis Miller, coupling those with some thrusts to the neck. In reply, Miller knees him and lays in some tough knife-edge chops of his own!
Steve Hebert: Goddamnit!
Lex Robinson: Going nuts, Miller repeatedly chops Xander until he's left leaning against the ropes. Using his right arm, he goes to dump Xander back inside... but it gets ducked! Xander Gates reverses things and is now trying to Tiger Suplex Travis Miller onto the side of the ring apron!
Steve Hebert: Do it! Break his neck!
Lex Robinson: Again, Miller uses his legs and wraps his foot around the bottom rope, keeping him in place. Needling his way to safety, he escapes Xander's clutches, elbows him a few times and hoists him up onto his shoulders...
Travis has Xander up on his shoulders, in a reverse fireman's carry position. Dropping down, he drives Xander down, onto the top of his skull, with a Burning Hammer on the ring apron!
Lex Robinson: Burning hammer! They both go spilling to the floor! If Miller can get Xander back inside, this match would be over!
Steve Hebert: Thankfully, they've fallen onto the floor. Phew. Xander's still okay.
Lex Robinson: To make things even more interesting, the referee is now counting them both out...
From inside of the ring, the referee lays his 10-count down.
...1...2...3...4...
Lex Robinson: Travis or Xander needs to hurry up, rise and get back into the ring if they want to walk out with the victory and World Title shot.
...5...6...7...
Steve Hebert: C'mon, Xander! Get to your feet. Don't get counted out, like the Corey Ashton-Sean Mason matchup.
Lex Robinson: Miller is beginning to rise!
Steve Hebert: Oh no...
Lex Robinson: He's taking Xander up with him.
...8...9...
Lex Robinson: He rolls Xander Gates back into the ring and slides in behind him, thereby breaking the count. He lays across Xander Gates, making the pinfall!
Steve Hebert: Oh no. Maybe he should have stayed on the floor, afterall.
The referee sees the cover, drops down and starts counting.
...1..2...
Lex Robinson: No! Xander gets his foot on the bottom rope! Everyone, including Travis Miller, is annoyed! I don't blame him.
Steve Hebert: Oh, thank Xander.
Showing frustration, Travis Miller stands to his feet and yanks Xander up with him. Pulling Xander up into a back-suplex position, Travis steps forward and drops Xander crotch-first across the top rope!
Steve Hebert: Ow!
Lex Robinson: Travis drapes Xander across the top rope.
Steve Hebert: Listen to these fans cheered. Xander could be ruined for eternity. This could mean no more children for him. No more erections. He may as well just have castrated him.
Lex Robinson: As Xander lays there, holding his crotch, Miller climbs onto the adjacent middle rope. He dives off, driving Xander off the ropes with a leaping clothesline!
Steve Hebert: It just keeps getting worse and worse.
Lex Robinson: Travis rolls across Xander, making the cover!
Again, the referee counts.
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: Xander reaches up and grabs onto the bottom rope, stopping the count!
Steve Hebert: Too close. Oh god, too close.
Getting back to his feet, Travis lifts Xander Gates up and hoists him into the air, going for the Epiphany.
Lex Robinson: Xander is pulled into the air...!
Steve Hebert: No! He slips out behind Miller! He rolls him up...!
Lex Robinson: O'Connor Roll!
The referee counts Travis Miller down...
...1...
Lex Robinson: Oh no...
...2...
...
Lex Robinson: Travis kicks out, sending Xander Gates into the ropes!
Steve Hebert: Goddamnit. He was so close to being named number one contender and so close to not having to shake that pervert's hand.
Lex Robinson: Using the force of Travis kicking him off, Xander bounces off the ropes and comes back, nailing him with a superkick! Travis stumbles back, bounces off the ropes and walks right into a kick to the gut! Xander pulls Miller in and is going for his version of a pedigree!
Steve Hebert: This is it! Once he hits this, it's over!
Xander is able to underhook one arm. When he goes for the other, Travis Miller sends him flying with a big backdrop!
Steve Hebert: No! Son of a bitch!
Rolling back to his feet, Xander goes to stand... only to be lifted onto Travis Miller's shoulders. Travis slings Xander forward, nailing a gutbuster across his knees!
Steve Hebert: Oh God, why?!
Lex Robinson: Xander is dropped against Travis Miller's knee! He's lifted back up by Travis, who presses him into the air... Epiphany! He hits it! From press slam to powerslam, Travis Miller makes the cover!
Hooking a leg, Travis watches as the referee drops down, making the count.
Lex Robinson: Here we go...!
...1...!
Lex Robinson: One...!
...2...!
Lex Robinson: Two...!
...3!
Lex Robinson: Three! He's did it! Travis Miller has done it! For the first time in years, Travis Miller will get his chance at a one-on-one World Title shot! Not only that, but he has vanquished Xander Gates, winning their feud.
Steve Hebert: Why?! Xander Gates is going to be driven even more over the edge. This is awful. He may be kill someone. Hopefully it'll be you.
The fans are on their feet, cheering for Travis Miller, who gets to his feet. Walking into the corner, he holds his hands in the air, turns back around, faces Xander, bends over and forces a handshake out of him.
Steve Hebert: Ughhhh...
Lex Robinson: Haha; and there it is. The handshake Travis had wanted. From turning his back on Travis, leaving him for the wolves; to now being on his back, it's going to be a cold, sad Christmas for Xander Gates.
Steve Hebert: It should have been him getting the World Title shot. Worst Christmas, ever.
Lex Robinson: One year after winning the Tag Wars Trophy, Travis Miller has been inducted into the Hall of Fame and has won a World Title shot. It's been a long, hard climb, including losing his job at one point; but he has finally built his way back up.
Rolling out of the ring, having his song lead the way, Travis walks to the back and slaps the hands of several fans. Xander Gates, on the other hand, sits up, with fire in his eyes. He is taunted by the fans, prompting him to roll to the floor and threaten to attack some fans. As he walks to the back, he rips down some Christmas decorations and tosses a wreath off the entrance section, kicking and stomping on it.
Lex Robinson: Jeez, what holiday spirit.
Steve Hebert: How can you blame him? He just lost his chance at a World Title. You'd be like it, too.
Lex Robinson: But he's acting like someone that should be institutionalized.
Disappearing behind the curtain, shouting can still be hard, as Xander exits to the back, mouthing off at some people.
Horatio Q.: Can you fucking believe it?! No World Titles for my WAR PORKY! Corey "FAGGOT" Page gets into Hall of Fame. Stevie Swing the Jew retains gold title, like cheap Jew. Teresa Quarantits winner of a new television. All faggotry! And no Department of H.A.R.M. in Ultimo Survival! What faggotry is this, whores?!
Katherine/Michelle: [in unison] I don't know.
Horatio Q.: It was that damn Stevie Swing. All her fault. I hope she likes her Christmas present: cat poison. I hope Mr. Kagemusha puts her in big pot and eats her. I will have Department of HAM in main event.
Katherine: I think you mean "H.A.R.M."
Horatio Q.: I want my Christmas ham! How is Horatio supposed to enjoy Christophermas? Where is my sweet Tsarmina? I want a kissykins.
Michelle: Well...
Horatio Q. turns around, holding his ribcage area. What he doesn't realize is that he's now standing beneath the missletoe. Generic Heel walks into the scene, drunk off his ass, having dipped into the holiday liquor several days too early.
Generic Heel: GODBLESSHHHHH US EVERYONE! MISSLETOES!
Grabbing Horatio Q., the drunk Generic Heel puckers up and gives him a big, dirty gay kiss on the lips. Sticking his tongue into Horatio's mouth, Generic Heel feels his old man tongue pull back, tasting like 100 year old cardboard and chalk. Pulling away, a disgusted Horatio Q. spits on the floor.
Horatio Q.: WHAT! HOW DARE YOU KISSYKINS HORATIO! Generic Heel, you fagrot!
Generic Heel: Awwww... that'ssss what Gashpard *burp* would call me. I miss him, Horatio.
Generic Heels tears up a little.
Generic Heel: God, I missh him sohoooo mucshhh.
Laying his head on Horatio's horrified shoulder, Generic Heel begins to cry, allowing for Michelle and Katherine to pat him on the back.
Michelle: There, there.
Katherine: Illegally Blode is here for you.
Horatio Q.: Get this faggot off me.
In a sudden drunken rage, Generic Heel pulls off from Horatio Q. and begins shouting at him.
Generic Heel: Don't call me a faggot! I have feelinggsh, too!
A swoop of anger splashes over Generic Heel and he flings the wine bottle at Horatio Q., narrowling missing his head. The bottle smashes against the wall, while Generic Heel continues to wallow around, with CAPS LOCK coming out, trying to drag him away. Making an audible sigh, Horatio Q. holds his hip and speaks out loud.
Horatio Q.: I need my Cialis.
Walking away, with gloom in his steps, Horatio bows his head and wanders off, while all attention is on Generic Heel.
Christ Carson: And it is this time we remember why we are here. Why were born into this world. We have to thank Him. We must praise Him. We must give ourselves to Him because in the end, He loves us for who we are. Others act with their bigotry and their perverted desires, but we must always stay the course. We must always--...
There's a loud yell off to the side. A lady is running as an enraged Chris Extreme bursts into the scene, punting the Baby Jesus like a football.
Chris Extreme: Josh Brown, eat my dick, faggot. Chris Carson... Mike Phantasy, where the fuck are you? I'm going to fuck and bloody your assholes.
Christ Carson: Who's interrupting my sermon? Oh--...
Seeing Chris Extreme charge in, covered in blood, Christ Carson steps away, letting Mike Phantasy deal with things. Mike runs at Chris, trying to knock him unconscious with the Holy Bible, but Chris rips it out of his hand.
Chris Extreme: AHHH IT BURNS!
Throwing the Bible away, Chris focuses on Mike Phantasy, bashing his face off the podium that had been setup. In retaliation, Mike goes to strike Chris Extreme with some uppercuts that nearly knock him over the stable. Grabbing onto Chris, he chokes him with some Christmas lights, some of which are so hot that they burn Chris's skin.
Chris Extreme: Get your paws off me, you damn dirty ape.
With one full swoop, Chris Extreme reaches up, grabs onto Mike Phantasy's hair and flings him overheard! Mike Phantasy tumbles into the manger scene, tripping over the Virgin Mary.
Mike Phantasy: Oh no!
Things go from bad to worse for Mike, as Chris picks up the Baby Jesus and begins mercilessly clubbing him with it, nearly bludgeoning him! Exasperated, Chris lifts Mike Phantasy up and Cock Factors him into the manger, completely toppling it over and destroying everything!
Chris Extreme: Referee? Referee, get the fuck here.
Stumbling to his feet, he grabs a random referee and throws him into the scene. He covers Mike Phantasy, who is amongst the wreckage of the holy scene. Shrugging his shoulers, the confused referee drops down and makes the cover.
...1...2...3!
Chris Extreme: Yes! I did it! I ended it!
Slapping his hands off the ground, Chris Extreme stands to his feet and has his hand raised by the referee, while blood drips off his face. He looks around, seeing the podium that has been left by Christ Carson and throws it over.
Chris Extreme: Chris Carson, where the hell did you slip off to? You're next, motherfucker.
An irate Chris Extreme almost kicks over some candles as he marches off, leaving Mike in the broken pieces of the Nativity scene.
Lex Robinson: Finally, after everytihng that has happened tonight: from Christ Carson destroying Chris Extreme and revealing to be the mastermind behind his kidnapping; to Corey Page regaining sensation in his arms and going on a hatred inspired rant; to even an injured Jake Norton getting beatdown by his apparent allies and Stevie Swing retaining the World Title against War Pork; it's time for the main event! It's time for Ultimate Survival!
Steve Hebert: Thank God. It's Christmas. I need to get the fuck home, put up that awful Christmas tree and contemplate hanging myself over the holidays. There's lots to be done, Lex. Let's get the show running. Tonight's Ultimate Survival Match is 4-on-4. The best thing about this is that last year's winner, Chris Extreme, is not in that match. In fact, it remains the team put together by Jake Norton, going against that awful team made by Stevie Swing.
Lex Robinson: Yup, there's a lot on the line, too. By that I mean the World Title; the claim to the "Ultimate Survivor" and bragging rights. Can Stevie defend twice in one night? Will she be able to last after being in 2 other matches?
Steve Hebert: And what about "Team Norton"? Boy, did that team totally disintegrate or what? Not only did Jake Norton get injured because of that smelly dyke, Teresa Quaranta, but Redmaine and Deicide attacked him! Unbelievable. Maybe it was time for Jake Norton to drop the entire "nice" act. We need blood. We need guts. Although, don't tell Christ Carson I said that.
Lex Robinson: Or you'll wind up with the same beating Chris Extreme got. You'd probably have Mike Phantasy kidnap you and lock you up in a cake factory.
Steve Hebert: Mmm.. I'd love that.
Lex Robinson: Actually, I mis-spoke. I meant to say a cock factory.
Steve Hebert: Mmm... I'd lov-- actually, that's too far.
Lex Robinson: Agreed. Let's get things underway.
"Thank God for the Evening News" by Fulton Lights comes over the sound system as Deicide Anthony Elverum emerges from the back, hands folded in prayer. Walking out behind him, with Lady Arwen at his side, is Redmaine, who walks to the ring behind the man known as Deicide.
Steve Hebert: Here they come. The members of "Team Norton", who are now "Team Deicide", I guess. There's Redmaine, who has Lady Arwen at his side. I'd give her a deep dicking.
Lex Robinson: She is a cute lady. Cute, but sinister and very deadly.
Steve Hebert: Just how I like 'em.
With the song still playing, Q walks out, headed towards the ringside area. He keeps his distance on his other two partners and soon slides into the ring, joining them at ringside. Next, Jean-Paul Lacklan comes out, mask and all, wielding his Knocker/hammer, getting jeered by the audience.
Lex Robinson: The final two members of the team are coming down, too. Remember it's 4-on-4 and with elimination rules. If/once an entire team is eliminated, the match turns to the rest of the remaining members, with the last person standing being proclaimed as the "Ultimate Survivor".
Steve Hebert: I'm putting all my money on Redmaine... or Deicide... or Lacklan. Or maybe even Declan Turner, despite his attack, last week. Actually, I don't even know. But I am predicting "Team Deicide" will be the last team standing! I am banking 300 dollars on it, so don't prove me wrong, cocksuckers.
Lex Robinson: Well, good luck with that.
Steve Hebert: Get those other merry band of shitheads out here, pronto.
Some lame-ass fighting game music hits, followed by a bombastic P.A.:
The lights in the arena cut out, plunging the audience into total darkness. Stevie Swing's familiar fiber-optic glass vagina descends from the rafters, flashing red and white so fast that any epileptic in the vicinity is likely to burst into flames. "Juicy," an awful J-Pop song by Koda Kumi, begins to play as the lips of the vagina part, revealing Stevie Swing in her Catgirl glory, her ears sticking out of her hair, her tail sticking out of her ass.
She is followed closely by Mr. Kagamusha, who has a digital camera in one hand and a Japanese flag in the other. He takes pictures of Stevie as she walks down to the ring, tail swaying in rhythmic, hypnotic fashion.
Steve Hebert: Walking through that deep vagina is Stevie Swing, which is almost lifelike. She has her Japanese mafia with her, this time, too. Mr. Kagemusha is a dirty boy, with a tiny Asian dick and an affinity for tubgirl and emasculation.
Lex Robinson: Don't forget Stevie is still the World Champion, having defeated WAR PORK earlier in the evening.
Steve Hebert: Don't remind me. Ugh.
Lex Robinson: She's also the 2010 Tag Wars Trophy winner, alongside Teresa Quaranta. Speaking of which, here she comes...
The next to walk through Stevie's gaping vagina that's located at the entrance is Teresa Quaranta, the new Television Champion. Getting an applause from the fans, Teresa un-straps her title and holds it in the air, getting a grand ovation from the crowd. She walks down the entrance ramp, allowing several fans to reach out and touch her, getting raving reviews from the crowd. She joins Stevie Swing, who stands at ringside, waiting for the rest of their team.
Lex Robinson: Teresa Quaranta, the new Television Champion, is out here now. She won that belt by actually defeating two of her current opponents, Redmaine and Deicide. Despite being outnumbered, she was able to outlast them and come out on top. What a feat, you have to admit it, Steve.
Steve Hebert: Still not as good as her dispensing an entire security team. Good lord, she pulled some Matrix shit there.
Lex Robinson: There's two more to come out.
The next person to step through Stevie's pink vagina is Kerry Windsor, who steps out, his hair blowing in the wind. Throwing his hand in the air, he receives a grand cheer from the fans. This cheer is further amplified when Declan Turner walks out through the plastic vagina, standing alongside Kerry.
Lex Robinson: And now Declan Turner is here, standing side-by-side with Kerry Windsor.
Steve Hebert: In front of that big vagina, too. It's like a scene out of a porn film.
Lex Robinson: Look at this unity.
Steve Hebert: Look at this faggotry.
Lex Robinson: Declan gives the fake vagina a kick and proceeds towards the ringside area, joining Stevie and Teresa Quaranta at the ringside area. All four of them are down and are looking into the ring, staring at Deicide, Redmaine, Q and Jean-Paul Lacklan. Here we go. This is getting intense.
Steve Hebert: They're staring each other down. Oh God, it's Ultimate Survival time.
At approximately the same time, Stevie Swing, Teresa Quaranta, Declan Turner and Kerry Windsor slide into the ring. Just as they do, the members of Team Norton/Deicide spring into action, going on the offensive.
Steve Hebert: It's time for war!
Lex Robinson: Deicide goes after Teresa Quaranta. Kerry Windsor is attacked by Q. Lacklan goes after Stevie Swing. Declan and Redmaine square off. It's on! Complete chaos has broken out in the ring!
Steve Hebert: This isn't supposed to happen! It's supposed to be 4-on-4, with only 2 people in the ring at once!
Redmaine grabs Declan, knees him several times and knocks him into the corner, where he climbs onto the middle rope, pounding at him. At that same time, Q and Kerry Windsor tangle, with Q whipping Kerry ito the ropes. Q ducks down, going for a backdrop, but Kerry returns by kicking him in the face and bringing him down with a hurricanrana!
Steve Hebert: Kerry Windsor sends Q out of the ring!
Lex Robinson: What a start! Stevie Swing is hoisted into the air by Jean-Paul Lacklan, who has him pressed into the air. Wait, no. Stevie slides out behind him and connects with a dropkick to the back of his skull! Lacklan goes spilling forward, falling over the top rope and landing on the apron. He goes to get back up, but Stevie jumps onto the adjacent middle rope, springs back and connects with a springboard enziguiri!
Steve Hebert: Oh no! Lacklan is knocked off the apron, landing on the floor! Goddamnit.
In the meantime, Teresa and Deicide are embroiled in the corner, striking each other, with various strikes. Chops and headshots from Teresa to Elverum, who grabs onto her and throws her into the corner, instead. He unloads with some punches and knees of his own, trying to one-up her, but she fires back with a quick Roundhouse Kick to his face!
Steve Hebert: Ugh. Deicide Anthony Elverum is struck with a rapidfire high-kick to the face. He's knocked backward, only to walk into the clutches of Kerry Windsor, who waistlocks him. This is awful!
Lex Robinson: Seeing this, Teresa pops onto the middle rope and dives off, connecting with a leaping single-leg dropkick to Deicide's face, just as Kerry brings him down with a German suplex! He is dropped directly on the top of his head!
Steve Hebert: Oh no. Right away, Teresa couples that by stomping and kicking on Deicide and is joined by that fagbox, Kerry Windsor. What a chizzled douche.
Lex Robinson: After stomping Deicide to the floor, the only member of their team that's left inside is Redmaine.
Steve Hebert: And he's pounding away on Declan, in the corner. Good. Give 'em hell.
Lex Robinson: You shouldn't speak so soon...
With one quick motion, Declan reaches up and lowblows Redmaine, catching him by surprise. Lady Arwen looks on, horrified, while Redmaine doubles over, in pain. Grabbing on to him, Declan grabs onto Redmaine and dumps him to the floor with a belly-to-belly suplex!
Lex Robinson: And there goes Redmaine, joining the rest of his team! The fans are on their feet, roaring out loud, in support of Team Stevie.
Steve Hebert: I hope this mall caves in, just like the Metrodome.
Stevie, et al, circle around the ring, soaking up the cheers. Members of the other team group together on the floor, trying to formulate a gameplan. However, Kerry Windsor quickly stifles their planning by charging into the corner, running up the turnbuckles and springing onto the top turnbuckle. Using the top rope as a springboard, he somersaults forward and crashes onto the opposing members, knocking them all down like pins!
Steve Hebert: That douchebag, Kerry Windsor, just took every member of my team down!
Lex Robinson: YOUR team?
Steve Hebert: Well, relatively speaking.
Lex Robinson: They're all down. Redmaine is the first to regroup and get to his feet, thanks to some help from Lady Arwen. He slips back inside, ducks beneath a spinning-kick from Teresa Quaranta and charges right at Stevie Swing and nails her with a release full-nelson suplex! Stevie is driven onto the top of her skull!
Steve Hebert: She may be a few inches shorter after that!
Lex Robinson: Redmaine gets back to his feet, hoping to go back on the attack, but he is cut off by Declan Turner, who connects with a swinging kick to the gut. Tucking Redmaine underneath his armpit, he double-underarms Redmaine, trying to lift him up, but Redmaine stops it. Alternatively, Redmaine plucks himself out of Declan's clutches and short-arm clotheslines Delcan!
Steve Hebert: Thank Christ.
Lex Robinson: Out of the corner comes Teresa Quaranta, though! She jumps into the air, going for a leaping Roundhouse Kick... and Redmaine ducks that, as well!
Steve Hebert: He's keen and ready. He is joined in the ring by Jean-Paul Lacklan, who aides him in grabbing Teresa. Together, they hoist that dirty cunt into the air and double-backbreakers her!
United, Lacklan and Redmaine plucks Teresa off the canvas and corners her. They begin kicking and stomping away on Teresa, who tries to fight back, but is outnumbered. Fortunately, Kerry Windsor slides back inside, comes up from behind Lacklan abd begins punching away at him.
Lex Robinson: Kerry Windsor to the rescue!
Steve Hebert: Thankfully, Lacklan fires back with some shots of his own, choking Kerry into the corner. Using some chops and forearms to the neck, Lacklan backs Kerry against the ropes and Irish-whips him across the ring. Ducking down, he goes to hoist her into the air, with a modified backdrop.
Lex Robinson: But Kerry Windsor goes up on him and slips over him, going for a sunset-flip!
Steve Hebert: Lacklan remains on his feet, though! He's just too goddamn strong to be taken down.
Lex Robinson: Here comes Stevie, seeing her longtime nemesis, Jean-Paul Lacklan in trouble...
Sprinting across the ring, Stevie charges at Lacklan and connects with The Last Dance!
Lex Robinson: The mask is almost kicked off Lacklan's face, he's knocked down into a rollup by Kerry Windsor!
Steve Hebert: Oh, goddamnit, no.
The referee makes the count...!
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...!
...
Steve Hebert: Fuck... no!
...3!
Lex Robinson: He did it! Jean-Paul Lacklan has been eliminated!
Trying to save Lacklan, Redmaine jumps in and lands on Kerry Windsor with a running knee to the neck. Unfortunately, he is too late and Lacklan has been eliminated.
Steve Hebert: Damnit, Redmaine, you're too late!
Annoyed, Redmaine grabs Kerry Windsor, elbows him in the head and heaves him into the corner. In here, he pounds away on Kerry, only to be accosted by Stevie Swing. Using some quick wits, Redmaine grabs Stevie and angrily tosses her to the floor!
Lex Robinson: Standing to his feet, Lacklan tries to go after Stevie Swing, but the referee stands in front of him, forcing him to the back. It's too little, too late for him. He needs to get the hell out of here.
Steve Hebert: Oh, how awful. Typical Stevie Swing had to ruin him again. She's always doing this to Jean-Paul. He'll kill himself someday because of this. Either that or have some creepy daughter in the future.
Lex Robinson: Who knows.
Exiting the ring, Lacklan walks to the back, getting jeered by the fans. Grabbing his Knocker, he walks through the curtain, exiting to the backstage area.
Steve Hebert: Jean-Paul Lacklan has walked to the back, holding onto his Knocker. Yes, folks, insert a cock joke here.
Lex Robinson: In any event, the match continues, with the numbers favouring Team Stevie. Right now, in the ring, Redmaine is kneeing Kerry Windsor, while Declan Turner lays in the corner, eyeing everyone else. He looks to the floor and sees Deicide about to get into the ring. Moving at rapid pace, he baseball-slide dropkicks Deicide, keeping him floored!
Steve Hebert: Not fair! How is Deicide supposed to get back into the ring?
Lex Robinson: This might answer it...!
Bouncing off the opposite set of ropes, Declan comes running across the ring and somersault planchas over the top rope!
Lex Robinson: Declan takes down both Deicide and Q!
Steve Hebert: Goddamnit! Stop this at once! We need to go by the actual rules of this match!
Lex Robinson: Left in the ring is Kerry Windsor and Redmaine, fighting in the corner. Redmaine has Kerry cornered and is battering him with knees to the stomach and sternum. Sitting Kerry on the top rope, he uppercuts Windsor and goes for a Muscle Buster!
Steve Hebert: Yes! He hits it! He drives that pathetic, whining douche on his head! Thank Christ. His chest may be chizzled, but his wits are awful.
Lex Robinson: After a chaotic opening, things are finally slowly settling down, thanks to Redmaine applying a rear-chinlock to Kerry Windsor, who is unable to break the hold. The referee moves in, checking on Kerry, who refuses to submit. Showing resilience, though, Kerry fights his way up and begins elbowing Redmaine in the gut, eventually knocking him against the ropes.
Steve Hebert: Keep on him. Don't let that douchebag escape your clutches.
Lex Robinson: With enough elbows to the stomach, Kerry finds an opening and is able to escape from Redmaine's grasps. Not only that, but he whisks himself into the ropes... wait...!
Steve Hebert: Haha! Redmaine reaches up, grabs onto Kerry's hair and pulls him to the canvas, dropping him onto his back! Take that, shitdick.
Latching onto Kerry's right arm, he drags him into his own corner and tags out to Q, who climbs into the ring, going straight on the attack, shrugging off the feeling of Declan Turner diving onto him.
Steve Hebert: Q, the man who looks like he has perpetually stuck his finger into a light socket, steps into the ring and begins kicking and stomping on Kerry Windsor. Picking the douchebag up, Q easily and handily suplexes him. Now he's gouging at Kerry's eyes! Good! Blind the bastard, I say.
Lex Robinson: Kerry struggles mightly, hoping to pull Q's fingers away, but it's no use. Up to his feet, Q lifts Kerry up, back rakes him, applies a full-nelson and lifts him into the air... only to bring him down with an atomic drop!
Steve Hebert: I think he may have caught both tailbone and cock... hopefully.
Lex Robinson: Slamming Kerry into the corner, Q scoops him upside-down and places him into a Tree of Woe.
Steve Hebert: Whoa, indeed.
Lex Robinson: No, I mean "woe" as in "misery".
Steve Hebert: Whoa. There'll indeed be misery for Kerry Windsor is Q is able to hit this move.
Backing into the corner, Q views Kerry Windsor, who remains upside-down in the corner. Chugging out, he jumps into the air and swings his body around, going for a flying butt smash to Windsor. However, upon seeing him coming, an upside-down Kerry Windsor sits up, resulting in Q crashing into the turnbuckle pads!
Steve Hebert: No!
Lex Robinson: Kerry sits up and Q crashes into the corner! That's not good for the man known as Q.
Steve Hebert: And the man known as "douchechills", Kerry Windsor, is climbing onto the top rope, almost rejuvenated. Listen to these doofus fans. Oh God.
Looking over his shoulder, a worn down Kerry Windsor takes a deep sigh and shoots himself off the top rope, going for a corkscrew moonsault and connects! Like a sack of bricks, both Q and Windsor go the canvas, with Kerry crawling into his corner, trying to make a tag.
Lex Robinson: Slightly revived, Kerry rolls into his corner. He reaches out... and he tags in Teresa Quaranta!
Steve Hebert: Ugh.
Right away, Teresa hops into the ring by slingshotting over the ropes. Standing in front of her is Q, who gets back to his feet, looking hard at Teresa. He gives her a knowing nod and stumbles back into his own corner, where he tags out to Deicide Anthony Elverum.
Steve Hebert: Huh? Q wasn't long tagging himself out. What happened?
Lex Robinson: Not sure. Teresa and Q are reported to have relations from previous federations. I'm not sure what it's about.
Steve Hebert: In other words, you didn't do your homework.
Lex Robinson: Well... I wouldn't say that, exactly.
Steve Hebert: I would. You fucked up, basically.
Lex Robinson: Deicide steps into the ring, not the least bit hesitant of going after Teresa.
Steve Hebert: Of course not. Because of her, he is no longer the Television Champion. Granted, Redmaine's miscalculation had a bit to do with it, but still. That greasy cunt stole the belt from him.
Going right after Teresa, Deicide places both hands around her neck and pushes her into the corner, where he continues to throttle her with a chokehold. In here, he begins delivering some knees to her stomach and slaps to her chest, hoping to wear her down and agitate her.
Lex Robinson: Deicide Anthony Elverum whips Teresa Quaranta across the ring, towards the opposite corner. He follows suit and charges in after her, but she pushes off the ropes and goes up-and-over her. Contorting around, she is able to go for a sunset-flip...!
Steve Hebert: But he holds onto the ropes! Instead of being taken down, he just drops to his knees and covers Teresa!
Lex Robinson: The referee makes the count, not seeing him hold onto the ropes!
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: But Teresa is able to kickout, nonetheless!
Steve Hebert: Damnit. That was a perfect opportunity to get rid of that awful dyke.
Up to his feet, Deicide clubs Teresa across the back, kneelifts her in the throat and then swinging neckbreakers her. Stepping into his corner, he listens to the jeers and tags in Redmaine, who comes in, targetting her.
Lex Robinson: Teresa is now being beaten down by Redmaine, whom she also defeated earlier in the night to become new Television Champion. He picks her up, tosses her into the corner and begins unloading on her with plenty of punches and forearms.
Turning Teresa around, Redmaine hooks onto both of her arms, hoping to nail a Tiger Suplex on her. However, Teresa squirms and wiggles, trying to keep her ground. Using some of her wits and strength, she pulls him into the corner, allowing her to hastily run up the turnbuckles and flip over him, landing behind Redmaine.
Lex Robinson: Teresa flips over Redmaine, lands on her feet and kicks his right leg out from beneath it.
Steve Hebert: Oh God, that's how it all started for Jake Norton, with her targetting his leg.
Lex Robinson: Fortunately for Redmaine, he doesn't have the history of ligament damage. Instead, she connects with a vicious Roundhouse Kick to his temple! Nice!
Steve Hebert: Nice?! That was dastardly!
Lex Robinson: Well, true. Either way, she's tagging the World Champ, Stevie Swing, into the ring. Stevie instantly runs in and covers Redmaine!
The referee drops down and makes the count...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two... no! The World Champ is only able to get a two-count on Redmaine. Lifting him up, Stevie puts him in a sitting position, bounces off the ropes and returns, nailing him with a sit-down dropkick! Getting up, she grabs his legs and goes for a jack-knife rollup on him!
Steve Hebert: Stop that, you awful cat.
The referee views Stevie roll onto Redmaine, prompting him to make a count...
Lex Robinson: Here we go...
...1...
Lex Robinson: One...!
...2...
Lex Robinson: Two...!
...!
Lex Robinson: No! Redmaine is able to bridge his way up!
Steve Hebert: He's actually able to turn things around and pull Stevie into a backslide!
This time, the referee counts in favour of Redmaine!
Lex Robinson: The cover is reversed! Redmaine may have Stevie eliminated...!
...1...2...!
Lex Robinson: No! Stevie rolls out of it! Just as Redmaine goes to rise, Stevie lurches at him and uses his knee to propel herself into the air, trying for a Shining Wizard! But Redmaine ducks it and Stevie goes stumbling behind him!
Jumping to his feet, slightly dizzy, Redmaine whirls around and immediately applies a Cobra Clutch to Stevie Swing, who shakes violently, trying to escape the hold. However, Redmaine, who has perfected it, refuses to let go.
Steve Hebert: Yes! Cobra Clutch by Redmaine! He has the hold applied! No one gets out of this -- no one! From Chelsea Pryce earlier in the year, to right now, with Stevie Swing!
Lex Robinson: I'm afraid you're right, Steve. This isn't a good predicament to be in. The World Champ is dropping down to her knees, with Mr. Kagemusha and her Japanese mob watching on. If she can't find a way out, I'm afraid to say that this might be it for her and her World Title run.
Steve Hebert: Good! It's all going to come to an end at the hands of Redmaine. I can feel it.
Lex Robinson: The fans are cheering for Stevie, but I'm not sure if it's going to work...
Steve Hebert: The referee's moving into place.
He lifts her arm once. It falls.
Lex Robinson: Her arm falls once. It needs to fall twice more.
He lifts her arm again. It falls.
Steve Hebert: Yes! One step closer.
Lex Robinson: He lifts her arm again...
It looks like it's about to fall, but at the last second, Stevie stops herself. She manages to pop her arm back up, much to the joy of the fans. However, Redmaine immediately stuns them by lifting Stevie up and driving her down to the canvas with a Cobra Clutch slam!
Steve Hebert: Good! He may not have eliminated her, but it keeps her down, which is good enough for me.
Lex Robinson: Delivering some stomps, Redmaine watches as Stevie rolls out of the ring, taking a spot on the floor, in which she kneels down. There's no tags needed, so in comes Declan Turner!
Steve Hebert: He swings Redmaine around... and delivers Turner Afterburner! Goddamnit!
Lex Robinson: Redmaine is in pain, having been caught by surprise! He rolls out of the ring, next to Stevie Swing. This, of course, allows someone from his side to come in.
Steve Hebert: It's Deicide.
Just as Declan gets back to his feet, he turns around and walks directly into a running big boot from Deicide, which knocks him into the corner!
Steve Hebert: Yes! In a daze, Declan stumbles out... only to walk into a spinning cradle suplex from Deicide Anthony Elverum. Down he goes. That's what he gets for changing into a new man. Should have just been the same miserable man, as always.
Lex Robinson: He didn't change; he just progressed and got a different view of things.
Steve Hebert: To hell with that. He can get a different view of things out on the floor, which is where he's rolling to right now.
The second that Declan rolls to the floor, Kerry Windsor enters the ring. Furthermore, just as he turns around, Kerry runs at him and connects with The Check Casher!
Lex Robinson: Pow!
Steve Hebert: Not fair! Deicide did not see that coming!
Lex Robinson: He walked right into it. Just like Stevie, Declan and Redmaine before him, Deicide goes spilling to the floor, falling between the ropes!
Steve Hebert: Wait... here comes Q. Q will save the day!
Lying in wait behind Kerry Windsor, Q watches intensely, waiting for him to turn around. Once he does, he spits a black mist into Kerry's face, temporarily blinding him!
Lex Robinson: Mist to the face!
Steve Hebert: Kerry Windsor can't see! Blind that shitbag! The odds of fat girls sleeping with him has just increased by 50%. And now Q locks in the Iron Claw! Kerry Windsor's in trouble!
Dropping to his knees, Kerry desperately tries to pull the black mist out of his eyes, while receiving the pain in his temples from the clawhold. Unbeknownst to him, his old acquaintaince, Teresa Quaranta steps into the ring.
Lex Robinson: In comes Teresa, looking to stop this hold.
Steve Hebert: But... they're former allies or something, I thought.
Lex Robinson: It doesn't matter much to Teresa, as she delivers a quick front-kick to Q's arm, knocking his hand away from Kerry, who drops to the ground! A second later, she grabs Q, pulls him in and nails the Compass Rose!
Steve Hebert: Goddamnit, no! Why is she pulling him back up?
Lex Robinson: She's picking him up... and is applying the Process of Illumination! Once she applies the Buttefly Stretch, she whispers something into Q's ear... and brings him over, dropping him with the suplex! She makes the cover!
The referee watches Teresa make the cover. Right away, he starts the count...!
...1...2...3!
Lex Robinson: Teresa Quaranta has eliminated the weirdo known as "Q"!
Steve Hebert: Fuck! The fucking "S".
Lex Robinson: ..."S"?
Steve Hebert: It's a racial term for Mexicans that rhymes with "brick".
Lex Robinson: Oh. ...Ooooh.
Looking disappointed, Q stares at Teresa Quaranta, in complete confusion. Nevertheless, he retreats to the back, making it one less member of the Team Deicide/Norton.
Lex Robinson: As Q takes his walk to the back, I'd like to take this time to remind you of Steve Hebert's 300 dollar bet that stated that someone from Team Norton/Deicide would be the last person standing.
Steve Hebert: Hey, it isn't over yet. We still have former Television Champ, Deicide Anthony Elverum representing. Plus Redmaine has a beast, so far.
Lex Robinson: Just thought I'd remind everyone, that's all.
Steve Hebert: Hmph.
Once Q is eliminated, a peturbed Redmaine slips back into the ring, doing the majority of the fighting and work for his team. From behind, he runs up to Teresa, knees her in the kidneys and brings her down with a pump-handle drop!
Steve Hebert: Redmaine from behind attacks Teresa Quaranta, temporarily taking her out of commission. Declan Turner, though, that idiot, is back inside and is going after Redmaine. He grabs Redmaine by the throat and is apparently trying to chokeslam him. Redmaine, however, blocks this attempt with a multitude of elbows to the side of Declan's skull!
Lex Robinson: Redmaine actually turns things around by going for a Uranage of his own on Declan, only to drop it down into a backbreaker! Bam! Declan is dropped across Redmaine's right leg. For the second time in a row, Redmaine pulls him up... and drops him across his leg again! For the third time in a row, Redmaine goes for the Uranage-into-a-backbreaker! This time, though, he flings Declan overheard with an Exploder Suplex! What a combination of moves!
Seeing this, Stevie Swing goes to climb back into the ring, but has Lady Arwen race around, cling onto her foot and stop her from entering.
Lex Robinson: Just like Horatio Q. earlier, Lady Arwen runs around the ring and impedes with Stevie Swing's movement.
Steve Hebert: Don't remind me. The Department of H.A.R.M. should have been in this match. Fuck Stevie Swing. Everything is her fault, including the Holocaust. She killed her own people.
Lex Robinson: Jeez, Steve, a little too harsh.
Steve Hebert: There's no such thing!
With Lady Arwen clutching Stevie Swing, disabling him from entering inside, Deicide is given the chance to climb onto the ring apron, kick Stevie in the gut and double-underhook him. A second later, Anthony Elverum double-underhook powerbombs Stevie Swing from the apron to the floor!
Lex Robinson: Lady Arwen's interference pays off, as Stevie is butterfly powerbombed from the apron to the cold, hard floor!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Thank Deicide!
Meanwhile, in the ring, Redmaine has Declan Turner setup in a standing Camel Clutch, doubling the effectiveness of it, with some elbows and clubbing shots to the head.
Lex Robinson: The referee is moving in, checking on Declan, who is fighting back, despite his harsh position. Slowly, he rises, with Redmaine clinging tightly to him, refusing to break the hold. In due time, Declan is back onto his feet... and delivers a backpack stunner to Redmaine, officially getting him off his back!
Steve Hebert: Thankfully Declan is worn down enough that he's not able to make an immediate cover...
Lex Robinson: But that doesn't stop Kerry Windsor, who comes off the top rope, nailing The Graceful Apocalypse on Redmaine!
Steve Hebert: Oh no...! Oh God, no!
Hooking a leg, Kerry pulls back, looking for the elimination of Redmaine!
Lex Robinson: The count is being made...!
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...!
...!
Steve Hebert: No!
Before the three can be made, Lady Arwen reaches inside and places Redmaine's left foot on the bottom rope!
Steve Hebert: Again, I'd like to reiterate: Thank Deicide for Lady Arwen. Without her, Redmaine would have been eliminated.
Lex Robinson: Exactly. What is she even doing out there?! Get her out of there!
Steve Hebert: She's his manager, obviously. Don't be silly.
Getting to his feet, Kerry Windsor looks down at Lady Arwen, who innocently steps away, shrugging her shoulders. This lapse in focus is perfect for Deicide Anthony Elverum, who slides inside and catches Kerry Windsor from behind with a double axehandle blow from behind!
Steve Hebert: Take it to Windsor. Show that douchebag who's better. God, the douche-vibes I get from him are astounding, with his stupid, greasy hair, chizzled abs and handsome chest.
Lex Robinson: What the--...? Anyhow, Deicide hoists Kerry up and hotshots him across the top rope, snapping his head back, having his neck drape across the top rope, being clotheslined by it. To make matters worse for Kerry, he whips him across the ring, bounces off the closest set of ropes and nails him on the rebound, with a Polish Hammer blow to the chest!
Steve Hebert: With any lucky, that causes some heart stoppage.
Lex Robinson: Dropping down, Deicide makes the cover...
The referee counts...!
...1...2...!
Lex Robinson: One... two... no! Kerry Windsor kicks out!
Steve Hebert: Unfortunately. Deicide is joined by Redmaine, who lifts Kerry up and tag teams Kerry, knocking him into the corner, where they do a number on him. Whipping Kerry from one corner to the other, Redmaine catches Kerry as he stumbles out and holds him into a backbreaker position. Anthony Elverum then proceeds to bounce off the ropes and come running back, allowing him to connect with a running-knee to Kerry's skull, as he is held in position! Yes! His stupid greasy hair flutters everywhere and I'm a happy man. Good stuff.
Lex Robinson: Once they have Kerry Windsor dispensed, Teresa Quaranta returns to the scene, sizing Deicide up from behind. When it seems like they're about to go after Kerry Windsor again, Teresa sprints forward, jumps into the air and nails two leaping knees to the back of Deicide! Incidentally, it sends him stumbling forward, crashing into Redmaine!
Steve Hebert: Oh, goddamnit! That whore! Not only does she take the Television Title away from Deicide, but he does this, as well.
Thanks to the collision, Redmaine is knocked back into the ropes, while Deicide stumbles around, walking right into a facebreaker from Teresa! As the new Television Champ goes to rise, she is met with a running-forearm from Redmaine, who rushes out of the corner!
Steve Hebert: My goodness. Redmaine delivers a stunning blow to the skull of Teresa Quaranta. Hell, he seconds that by grabbing her and nailing a spinning spinebuster! The best spinebuster in the business, right there.
Lex Robinson: There'd be some who'd question that.
Looking over his shoulder, Redmaine glares at Deicide, who shakes off the blow from Teresa. Tapping him, they point at Teresa, who is now on the canvas, rocking back in forth, in a considerable amount of pain. Deicide is the first to step towards her, with Redmaine coming second.
Lex Robinson: Deicide is going to grab onto Teresa--- but wait! What the--...? Redmaine applies a Wings of Truth to Deicide, as well!
Steve Hebert: What the fuck is going on?! This night is just insane! Deicide didn't mean to smack into him. Just like how Redmaine didn't mean to cause him to lose his title. I don't get it. Slap me, Lex, slap me. For the love of fuck, slap me! This wouldn't happening if H.A.R.M. were in this match!
Lex Robinson: The fans are as shocked as we are! They collectively gasp, watching as Redmaine dumps Deicide Anthony Elverum on his skull with a Cobra Clutch Suplex!
Stevie Swing, who had been on the floor, trying to recover from earlier, gasps and rolls into the ring. Upon viewing Redmaine dump Deicide on his head, she staggers forward and nails a devastating lariat to Redmaine, knocking him out of action!
Lex Robinson: Stevie Swing with the Lariat to Redmaine, knocking him into the corner! She turns to Deicide, who is slowly rising, seeing stars after Redmaine turned on him. Boom! The Last Dance Superkick by Stevie, who drops down and makes the cover!
The referee counts...!
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...
...3!
Lex Robinson: Three! Deicide has been eliminated, but with some help from Redmaine, of all people!
Steve Hebert: Oh my God, this is horrible. I don't get it. Maybe this is some way of delivering the "Truth" for Redmaine. I don't even know. My god, what's going on?!
Lex Robinson: We're all stunned, Steve, trust me.
Steve Hebert: I don't know who to believe anymore! I'm worse than Corey Page.
Deicide Anthony Elverum, the former Television Champion has officially been eliminated. Once this is formal, Redmaine runs in, grabs Stevie Swing and throws her back out to the floor, heaving her over the top rope, like a sack of potatoes.
Steve Hebert: I don't know what to say; I really don't.
Lex Robinson: That's a first. Let's hope you keep it that way.
With Deicide laying before him, Redmaine begins viciously stomping away on him, with Lady Arwen cheering him on.
Lex Robinson: Now Redmaine is stomping and kicking the life out of Deicide.
Steve Hebert: My God, has he gone absolutely insane?!
Lex Robinson: I haven't the slightest clue. He gets down to one knee, yells at Deicide and begins pounding away his face, bloodying him! Blood is spilled on the canvas as Redmaine pries the fleshwound open even further. Goddamn, he's going all out.
Steve Hebert: He just wants blood. Confused as I am, I don't blame him... but why?
Getting back up, Redmaine hovers over Deicide and viciously stomps him until he's out of the ring. Referees are forced to get in front of Deicide, blocking him from re-entering and dragging him to the back, barely able to stand, concussed from being dropped on his own head by Redmaine.
Steve Hebert: Despite being barely conscious, Deicide is livid. I don't blame him. First, to lose the Television Title due to "accidental" interference from Redmaine... now this. I guess it wasn't so accidental. You can never trust anyone, ever.
Lex Robinson: Boy, do I know all about that.
Steve Hebert: Don't trust anybody. A lifelong motto for every intelligent person alive.
Being the only person left standing in the ring, Redmaine walks around, listening to the boos pour in at him. Sliding out of the ring, he walks around on the floor, snatches the microphone from the ring announcer and slides back inside.
Steve Hebert: Maybe now we'll get some answers.
Not leaving any room for suspense, Redmaine speaks out, with Lady Arwen happily listening, whilst on the floor.
Redmaine: You see what blind ignorance gets you?! These pathetic teammates, of mine thought they could use my knowledge of truth to find success in the Ultimate Survival match... and they were sadly mistaken! Truth will not be abused and I will not allow my knowledge of truth to be taken advantage of! I have made that crystal clear here tonight.
Boos pour in on Redmaine, who even has garbage thrown at him.
Steve Hebert: Shut up, you phillistines. Let this man talk.
Lex Robinson: It's just more of his usual sociopathic psychobabble. The guy has a screwloose.
Steve Hebert: I hope he beats the life out of you, Lex, just for saying that. He should lock you in a Cobra Clutch and show you what it's like.
Standing in the center of the ring, Redmaine eyes Stevie Swing re-entering the ring. He looks to the other corner and Teresa Quaranta stands there, locked and ready to load. Opposite of Teresa is Declan Turner, who is in a fighting stance, preparing to strike; while Kerry Windsor is getting to his feet in the adjacent corner.
Lex Robinson: Hah! It looks like things are getting a tad crowded for Redmaine.
Steve Hebert: Oh no. Hopefully he or Lady Arwen is hiding a gun in their back pocket. It'd be the ultimate equalizer.
Sneering at his four opponents, Redmaine cocks his head and snarls.
Redmaine: Now the rest of you enjoy consuming yourself with this dream world's trivial bullshit and continue on with your little match. There is nothing else left for truth here tonight. The seminar has concluded.
Throwing the microphone to the floor, Redmaine quickly rolls out of the ring and joins Lady Arwen at the ringside area. Together, they walk to the back, leaving the members of Team Stevie behind.
Lex Robinson: Is that it? Redmaine is leaving!
Steve Hebert: Look, to be fair, the odds are ridiculous. His teammares were useless. He's not a dummy. The World Title will come around again some other day; but for now, he's playing this one smart.
As he walks to the back, the referee begins counting him out...
...1...2...3...
Lex Robinson: They're out of here. The 4 members of Team Stevie can only look at each other, knowing that they have made the sweep. For the first time ever, a team has sweeped another team at Ultimate Survival. This is history, folks!
Steve Hebert: This is all Jake Norton's fault. Actually, no, this is Teresa Quaranta's fault for breaking Jake Norton's leg. Fuck her and her filthy, unwashed, Mexican vagina.
...4...5...6...
Lex Robinson: Lady Arwen and Redmaine have disappeared behind the curtain. He's calling it a night. Wow.
...7...8...9...
Steve Hebert: Hurry up, ref. Just skip to the formalities, already.
...10!
Lex Robinson: And there it is. Redmaine has officially been counted out! Team Deicide has been eliminated.
Steve Hebert: Good. Now it turns to every man and woman for himself or herself. This is where the gloves really come off... or in Stevie's case, her claws come out. We'll see how on good terms they are. These are all people from Stevie's past that she has had issues with, all brought in by Mr. Kagemusha. If she has any delusions about retaining, she should drop them right here.
Lex Robinson: It's tough to say. Wow. What a night this has been, so far. And we're still only halfway through the main event.
The remaining 4 competitors back up into a corner -- Stevie across from Declan; and Kerry across from Teresa Quaranta. They take turns looking at each other, glaring each other up and down, not wanting to lose focus. From here on out, the eliminations will come from within their own former team.
Lex Robinson: Each member of Team Stevie go to different corners. Things are ready to explode.
Steve Hebert: God, if only the ring would explode, it'd be marvelous.
Lex Robinson: The fans are on their feet, thumping the ground, cheering out loud. Tension is building as each of them attentively moves forward, looking at each other. Here they go...!
Kerry Windsor and Stevie Swing lock-up, going back and forth, trying to find an advantage. Meanwhile, Teresa Quaranta and Declan Turner mix it up with each other, with Declan backing her into the corner, using a series of forearms.
Steve Hebert: Finally. I've been waiting for this all f'n night.
Lex Robinson: Declan has Teresa against the corner, smacking away at her chest and chin, battering her with vicious shots. Backing up, he runs forward, going to deliver a running double-kneeshot! Wait, Teresa gets out of the way and Declan's knees crash into the turnbuckles.
Steve Hebert: Serves him right.
Lex Robinson: Teresa begins striking Declan with alternating kicks, grabs onto his right leg... and brings him down with a Dragonscrew Legwhip! Popping right back up, Declan backs to his feet, only to have Teresa try and hit him with a spinning-backfist! Declan ducks the shot!
Steve Hebert: I knew all of this would eventually decay. Declan grabs onto Teresa and tries for a Northern Lights suplex... but she stops that by hanging on to the top rope, grounding herself. Now she's elbowing away at the back of his head and neck area!
Lex Robinson: Giving up, Declan steps back... and nails a flying armbar, trapping Teresa in the hold! All of this is happening while Kerry and Stevie go toe-to-toe in the corner. Kerry nails Stevie with some uppercuts and sits him on the top turnbuckle. He climbs up with her... top rope hurricanrana! Stevie Swing goes flying, almost landing on Teresa Quaranta!
Steve Hebert: Just kill 'em all.
Observing Declan holding Teresa into the armbar, Kerry gets to his feet, walks over and stomps on Teresa. Seconds later, he drops an elbow across Declan's chest, not forcing the release of the hold. Springing back up, Kerry decides to just apply a Dragon Sleeper on Kerry, while the armbar is locked on.
Lex Robinson: Unable to remove Declan from TQ, Kerry decides to lock him into a Dragon Sleeper. If he can't release him, then just wear him down, as well.
Steve Hebert: I can't believe I am out 300 dollars. I want to blow my head off.
Lex Robinson: Don't worry, there's still lots to happen, Steve.
Steve Hebert: Oh, who gives a shit?
Coming to her senses after being flung across the ring, Stevie gets back to her feet, stumbles over to Teresa Quaranta, who is still trapped in the armbar and grabs onto her left leg. Looking around at the audience, she listens to cheers as she performs the Dancing Toe Hold!
Lex Robinson: Everyone is involved in a submission of somekind! Teresa is even having her leg and her arm worked over. It's not looking good for her.
Steve Hebert: It's probably not the first time she's been worked over by two people.
Lex Robinson: Releasing her hold on TQ, Stevie circles around and begins to choke Declan with her tail!
Steve Hebert: Booo! Booo! Fortunately, the referee comes over and puts an end to that nonsense.
Lex Robinson: It leaves her open to walk over to Kerry Windsor, though. As he has the Dragon Sleeper applied on Declan, Stevie jumps on his back, digging her cat claws into his eyes, forcing him to release the hold. As he does, Declan also releases his hold on TQ and everything returns to semi-normal, for now.
Steve Hebert: With the exception of Stevie clinging onto Kerry Windsor's stupid back, that is. But not for long, as Kerry tries to send her off him. Like a stupid cat that should be drowned in a bag, Stevie is able to safely cartwheel to safety.
Lex Robinson: Yup, she lands on her feet... and has Kerry Windsor charge at her. The former Television Champ runs at the current World Champ... and is dropped to the cancas with a Desudriver I!
Steve Hebert: Desu!
Jumping back up, Stevie goes to land a staning moonsault onto Kerry. However, before she can land, Kerry gets his knees up and she crashes down onto them!
Lex Robinson: No! Stevie lands on Kerry Windsor's knees! So much for that. Kerry is getting back up... and has Declan charge at him, going for the Blood Money scissors kick! No! Kerry steps out of the way, spins Declan around and hoists him up onto his shoulders, in an Electric Chair position!
Steve Hebert: He's using his fists to rain down on Kerry's skull, though; but that douchebag stands there, taking all the shots.
Lex Robinson: Teresa springboards off the top rope and soars through the air, going for a flying spin-wheel kick to Declan Turner!
Luckily for Declan he ducks down and rolls through, bringing Kerry into a Victory Roll pinfall!
Lex Robinson: It's ducked! Declan is able to roll Kerry up into a pinfall, thanks to Teresa Quaranta missing her target! The count is being made by the referee, who drops down...!
...1...2...
...
Lex Robinson: No! Kerry kicks out!
Steve Hebert: Goddamnit, someone destroy that douchey motherfucker, already.
Lex Robinson: Even though he kicks out, he still finds himself in an unfavourable predicement, though, as Declan Turner leans on him, grounding and pounding him into the mat. Striking repeatedly with punches, Declan nails a flurry of shots to Kerry, who tries protecting himself, but to no avail.
Steve Hebert: Bloody him! Break his nose! Kill him!
Lex Robinson: Hoping not to miss again, Teresa Quaranta moves in after Declan, belting him across the back of his skull with a quick knee. She pulls him off Kerry Windsor--...
Steve Hebert: --...That cunt!
Lex Robinson: --...and she begins nailing him with a series of kneelifts. She goes to finish off the Devil's Advocate with a jumping knee, but Declan takes a step back, saving himself! He spins her around and applies a reverse-waistlock, going for a German suplex, but she holds her ground, only to nail him with some elbows to the jaw.
Stevie Swing moves in, trying to get in on things, but Teresa nails her with a kick to the gut, hunching her over. She goes to do the same to a recovered Kerry Windsor, but he catches her foot and tosses her up and over Declan Turner!
Lex Robinson: Teresa Quaranta is flung over Declan Turner... but lands safely on her feet. Meanwhile, Declan goes after Kerry Windsor, yet again. He applies a reverse-waistlock and release German suplexes him...! But Kerry lands on his feet, as well!
Steve Hebert: Ugh. Declan goes to get up...
Lex Robinson: But Teresa Quaranta charges, Declan's back as a springboard and leaps through the air, connecting with a leaping Yakuza Kick to Kerry Windsor's face, knocking him out of the ring!
Steve Hebert: That dirtbag is going to need facial reconstructuring after that!
Lex Robinson: Your hatred of Kerry Windsor is disturbing and obsessive, Steve. It's scaring me.
Steve Hebert: He's just such a douche. I can't help myself.
Turning around, Teresa looks happy to have dispensed of Kerry Windsor... only to have Declan lunge at her and knock her completely off her feet with vicious spear!
Lex Robinson: Oh my! Teresa flips in the air, having been runover by the Mach Truck known as Declan Turner!
Steve Hebert: Oh my God, I'm surprised he didn't go right through her... as in cut her in half. As in slice her apart. As in break her into two Teresa. As in--...
Lex Robinson: We get it.
As Teresa rolls to the floor, in a rack of pain, Declan gets back to his feet, with Stevie Swing closing in on him. From behind, she lashes him with her tail, causing some discomfort, and backs him into the ropes.
Lex Robinson: With Kerry and TQ on the floor, Stevie applies a front-facelock and climbs up the turnbuckles, going for a Tornado DDT onto Declan. However, he is able to maintain his position and throw her out! However, she pops right back up and charges at Declan, who has no other choice than to release belly-to-belly suplex her, tossing her into the turnbuckles!
Steve Hebert: Declan Turner is cleaning house, literally! If only he'd clear this awful mall so we could all go home. Do what Redmaine did and just leave.
Rolling to the floor, Declan faces his three other opponents, swatting them down with kicks, punches and chops.
Lex Robinson: Remaining on the offensive, Declan isn't giving anyone a chance to recover. He throws Kerry into our table, nearly toppling everything over. As for Teresa Quaranta, he bashes her face off the steel steps, nearly knocking her silly.
Steve Hebert: A makeover is what she needs, anyhow.
Lex Robinson: Stevie Swing tries to get up, but she's still feeling the effects of being thrown into that corner like a ragdoll.
Steve Hebert: She was thrown like a dead cat. She's wrestled twice in the night and so has Teresa. You've got to think that they're the most worn down, in this match.
Lex Robinson: Damn good analysis, Steve. And what's Declan looking for, now?
Searching underneath the ring, Declan Turner pulls out a wooden table, lifts it up and slides it into the ring.
Lex Robinson: He's got a table... and he's bringing it in with him!
Steve Hebert: Is this even legal?!
Lex Robinson: The referee's letting him get away with it. So be it.
Steve Hebert: If this were Redmaine or Deicide, they'd be disqualified without a second's notice. This is just clear favouritism. I am clearly disgusted.
Lex Robinson: Actually, Steve, it appears Declan is setting the table on the top rope, wedging it there, to use as a balane. Weird. We don't see that often.
With Declan busy setting the table up on the top turnbuckle area, Kerry Windsor shrugs off the damage done to him and slides into the ring. Coming up behind Declan, he nails a dropkick that sends Declan face-first into the table!
Lex Robinson: As a matter of fact, it goes against his favour! Kerry knocks him into that table, beating his face off it.
Steve Hebert: The only thing that could have been better is if he beat Declan's face off a dirty cock.
Rolling Declan onto the table that is wedged on the top turnbuckle, Kerry Windsor climbs up there with him. Up here, he hooks Declan into a suplex position, trying to lift him into the air.
Lex Robinson: Kerry's going for a suplex...
However, just as he lifts Declan into the air, the former World Champ introduces a knee into his head, stopping the move.
Steve Hebert: Declan says "Fuck that!" Instead, he's going for a move of his own! Double-underhooking Kerry, he pulls him in and appears to be going for a powerbomb to the floor... off that table! Oh my God, if this happens, Kerry Windsor will be dead and I'll jerk off. Don't let me down, Declan.
Sliding into the ring, Stevie gets to her feet, observing Declan and Kerry vying for position on the top turnbuckle, whilst standing on the table. With a spring in her step, she runs into the corner and with one leap, she jumps onto the table, much to the joy of the fans!
Lex Robinson: What agility! Stevie hops onto the table and mixes it up alongside Kerry and Declan! She is striking at both of them.
Steve Hebert: There's not much room on that table. If they're not careful, all three of them could go plummeting to the outside! [whispering] I hope.
Up here, the trio go back and forth, striking each other. Kerry knees Declan, who swats at Stevie, trying to punch her down. Stevie, for her efforts, uses her claws to scratch across both Kerry's and Declan's face.
Lex Robinson: Jockeying back and forth, they try to remain standing on that platform. Stevie was close to falling off that time! Declan blocks a punch from Stevie and grabs her with a standing side-triangle chokehold, while up in the air! Shuffling around, Kerry faces outward, with his back facing the ring. He grabs Kerry Windsor, as well...!
Steve Hebert: Whoa! He double reverse-Russian legsweeps them through the air, sending them flying off the table, crashing onto the ring! Kerry and Stevie have to be both out!
Lex Robinson: Furthermore, just as they fall off, Teresa begins ascending to the table. Within a second, she dives off...
Soaring through the air, gravity works its magic on Teresa, who comes crashing down onto Stevie Swing with a Buzzard Knee!
Lex Robinson: Buzzard Knee! She covers Stevie, hooking her leg! She's got the World Champion down!
Steve Hebert: After being dropped on her face, there's no way Stevie can kick out!
The referee drops down and starts counting...!
...1...!
Lex Robinson: One...!
...2...!
Lex Robinson: Two...!
Steve Hebert: We're going to have a new World Champion!
...!
Steve Hebert: No! Declan Turner, from a seated position, gives Teresa Quaranta a stiff boot to the face! The count is stopped!
Lex Robinson: Wow! Teresa was so close to eliminating the World Champion. How amazing would that have been?!
Declan and Teresa stand up, exchanging slaps with each other, with Declan soon kneeing Teresa in the gut. Kerry Windsor, in pain, rolls to the outer portion of the apron, trying to stand, while Teresa and Declan mix it up in the center of the ring.
Lex Robinson: Declan blocks a chop from Teresa, deciding to strike with a fist of his own. Backing her into the ropes, he goes to whip her out, but it gets reversed at the last second! Instead, Declan bounces off the ropes and has Teresa swing her arm at him, hoping to clothesline him off his feet!
Steve Hebert: He ducks! Not only that, but he runs into the next set of ropes and comes storming out! I hope he spears her again.
Lex Robinson: He goes for the spea--... NO! He tries to spear her, but she grabs on and applies a guillotine submission hold, driving him down with a DDT, in the process! Down here, she applies a bodyscissors, trying to get him to submit!
Steve Hebert: Oh God.
Lex Robinson: No wonder she's the Television Champ, with wits like that.
Frantic, the referee drops down, checking on Declan, seeing if he taps out.
Steve Hebert: Like a crazy old whore, Teresa squeezes on Declan, trying to force a submission. His will and determination means he refuses to quit, though. God, how sickening. If only I had the willpower. If only I could stop eating cake twice per day.
Lex Robinson: Declan's efforts result in Teresa releasing the hold, surprised at his refusal to quit. Getting up, she goes to lift him up, only to be caught with a quick uppercut to the jaw!
Moving swiftly, Declan picks Teresa up on his shoulder, hoping to turn things in his favour. Soon, he brings her down with an Air Raid Crash, dropping her on her head!
Lex Robinson: Teresa is driven into the canvas, dropping on her head! If only Declan can cover her...!
Slowly, but surely, Declan lays across Teresa, looking for the pinfall.
Lex Robinson: He's on her. Here we go...!
The referee starts to count...!
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...!
...!
Steve Hebert: Kerry Windsor flies out of nowhere, nailing a flying legdrop to the back of Declan's head! Jesus, I didn't even see that cocksucker stand, let alone climb to the top turnbuckle!
Lex Robinson: Everyone is down and out. It looks like a crime scene in there.
Steve Hebert: Oh, how I wish.
In the corner with the table setup as a platform, Stevie Swing rises, using it to help herself stand. Looking across the ring, she sees Kerry, Teresa and Declan also slowly rise.
Lex Robinson: Now it's Kerry and Teresa that begins slugging it out with each other. Declan stands just behind them, watching them throw chops and slaps to each other... and here comes Stevie, going for The Last Dance, hoping to hit either Teresa or Kerry...!
Steve Hebert: Both of them see it, though! They step aside and Stevie nails Declan Turner with The Last Dance! His legs buckle from beneath him and he collapses to the canvas!
Lex Robinson: ...and then Stevie gets struck with superkicks from both Kerry Windsor and Teresa Quaranta, which connect at the same time!
Steve Hebert: I think one of her cat teeth just flew into the front row. Good goddamn.
Lex Robinson: It's funny; because they both see Declan Turner laid out in front of them and go to make the cover at the same time. Kerry Windsor drops down, covering him...!
The referee counts...
...1...
Steve Hebert: No! Teresa pulls Kerry off, wanting to be the one to cover Declan. She drops down, and like the asshole she is, covers him...
The referee counts in her favour...
...1...
Lex Robinson: This time, Kerry yanks Teresa off!
Getting to her feet, Teresa and Kerry mouth some words back-and-forth to each other.
Steve Hebert: Tell each other what you really think. That's more like it. Hell, Teresa slaps Kerry across the face! Probably insulted her dirty vagina. He replies with a fist to the face of Teresa. Kerry Windsor punching a woman in the face: why am I not surprised?
Lex Robinson: Teresa comes back from those punches with some knife-edge chops to the chest of Kerry Windsor, slapping the skin off him. She backs him into the ropes and goes to Irish-whip him across the ring... but Kerry reverses it! He goes to whip her across the ring... but she stops in her tracks! She pulls him near and hits the Compass Rose!
Steve Hebert: He just got hit in the kisser! Right in that stupid mush-mouth of his. Right in that stupid, herpes-filled mush.
Lex Robinson: Teresa, the Television Champ, is back on her feet. Pulling Kerry into her, she applies the Process of Illumination... and nails it! She covers Kerry Windsor...!
Steve Hebert: Yes!
The referee drops down, making the count...!
...1...2...!
Lex Robinson: One... two...!
...!
Steve Hebert: C'mon...
...3!
Lex Robinson: Three!
Steve Hebert: Yes! That douche has been eliminated!
Lex Robinson: So close for Kerry Windsor, but not close enough.
Standing up, Kerry Windsor looks shocked, devastated and annoyed. Flipping his hair back, he looks at the referee, making sure he's actually eliminated.
Steve Hebert: Trust me, shitbag, you're out of here. Man up, pack your bag and get out of this match, scummy.
Lex Robinson: Clearly annoyed, Kerry Windsor looks at Teresa Quaranta, who slowly rises, sweat pouring down her face. Wait...!
Out of nowhere, Kerry bursts at Teresa and nails her with the Check Casher!
Steve Hebert: Whoa! I wasn't expecting that! Finally, that dirtbag does something decent!
Lex Robinson: why did he do that?!
Steve Hebert: Because he has too much money and he doesn't know what to do with it. Plus he's a giant douche that should hate himself. That's why.
Lex Robinson: Teresa was not expecting that. He's out of the match, he has no right touching her, hitting her like that!
Steve Hebert: He's a woman-beater, Lex. The new-age Scott Peterson.
Hopping out of the ring, getting a mixed reaction from the crowd, Kerry Windsor strolls to the back, looking gloomy. Disappearing behind the curtain, he finally embraces his elimination, leaving only Stevie Swing, Teresa Quaranta and Declan Turner in the running to be declared the "Ultimate Survivor".
Steve Hebert: That sly cunt! Who does she think she is? Morgana?
Slowly, Stevie crawls to her, like a wounded kitty. Her Japanese mob cheer her on, urge her to move faster.
Lex Robinson: Stevie slings her arm across Teresa's chest. The count is being made...
The referee drops down and starts counting...!
...1...!
Lex Robinson: One...!
...2...!
Lex Robinson: She gets two...!
...!
Lex Robinson: ...No! She pops her shoulder off the mat!
Steve Hebert: Goddamn, that was close!
Getting back up, Stevie Swing lifts Teresa up with her, side-headlocks her and strikes with some punches to the top of the skull.
Lex Robinson: In order to escape the side-headlock from Stevie, Teresa hoists her into the air... only to be brought down by Stevie, with a side-headlock takedown. Luckily, Teresa uses her legs to bring up and wrap around Stevie's head, ultimately pulling the World Champ off her.
Steve Hebert: They goth rise, with Teresa on her knees, trying to chop Stevie's legs out from beneath her. That cat jumps in the air, leaping over her arm, though. Wisely done. Stevie connects with a climbing enziguiri! Teresa Quaranta probably has a paw print in the back of her skull. Way to go.
Lex Robinson: Stevie is right back up and is going back to work on Teresa. Rolling her onto her belly, Stevie interlocks her left leg with that of Teresa's and goes to apply an Indian Deathlock... but Declan Turner pops out of the corner, nailing Stevie with a jumping shoulderblock! Stevie is knocked onto her back, while jamming Teresa's leg back, as well!
Steve Hebert: Ouchies!
Lex Robinson: Declan is going to work on both women.
Steve Hebert: If he's as smart as he claims, he'd teabag both of them. He's got the perfect chance right here.
Lex Robinson: Going back and forth, Declan shows current domination by kicking at Stevie, stomping on Teresa and scooping Stevie up, only to slam her back down. Lifting Teresa up, he spinebusters her back down, dropping her across Stevie!
Steve Hebert: He's making a cunt sandwich.
Lex Robinson: Moving into the corner opposite of the table he set up on the turnbuckles, Declan begins to climb...
Up here, Declan holds his hands into the air, getting cheers from the fans. Somersaulting off, he lands with a front-flip legdrop onto both Stevie and Teresa from the top rope!
Lex Robinson: He hits it! He rolls Stevie over and covers her...!
The referee makes the count!
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: Stevie puts her foot on the bottom rope!
Steve Hebert: Oh Jesus, so close.
Lex Robinson: Annoyed, he turns to Teresa. Elbowing and forearming, he covers her, even placing his forearm across her jaw, making sure to keep her down.
Steve Hebert: That think, manly jar is difficult to miss.
The referee again counts for Declan.
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: This time, Teresa kicks out. More appropriately, she rolls out of it!
Steve Hebert: Annoyed, he's lifting both whores up and bashes both of their skulls together. He throws Stevie into one corner and forcefully whips Teresa into the other. Here he goes...!
Running in towards Stevie, he charges in, delivering a running boot scrape kick to her face! Quickly turning around, he focuses on Teresa and dashes towards her, connecting with a cannonball, squishing her against the turnbuckles!
Steve Hebert: Declan is turning up the heat, giving damage to body wimmins. He lifts up Teresa and heaves her to the floor, giving her a simple boot to the face, to keep her out there. Turning around, he goes to face Stevie Swing.
Stevie gets up, seeing Declan with her back turned. Breathing hard, having a lot of energy expended, Stevie rushes towards him and goes to deliver the second Last Dance superkick to him. However, Declan turns around just in time and sees it coming.
Steve Hebert: He catches her foot! Blue thunder driver! He hooks his feet over Stevie's shoulders, pinning her down...!
Lex Robinson: The count is being made...!
...1...!
Lex Robinson: One...!
...2...!
Lex Robinson: Two...!
...!
Lex Robinson: Stevie kicks out! Unbelievable!
Steve Hebert: Even Declan can't believe it. He slaps the mat, in anguish and gets back to his feet, where he commences to strike with some rapid-fire kicks to the face of the World Champion.
Lex Robinson: He hits a Fisherman's Suplex and makes a bridge...!
Again, the referee counts...!
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: No! Teresa Quaranta comes off the top rope, nailing a flying double-stomp to a bridging Declan Turner! It's Teresa that's dropping down, now, covering him!
Steve Hebert: Jesus, what a reversal of fortunes.
The count is made...!
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...!
Steve Hebert: Declan powers out! He sits up, pretty much saying "Fuck no, motherwhores!"
Lex Robinson: Declan's showing zero rust. This is his first match back in a ring and he's showing all the will and endurance of a perennially World Champion.
Declan Turner rolls towards the ropes and uses them to help him stand. Turning around, he sees Teresa Quaranta charging at him. Right away, he ducks down, hoping to backdrop her to the floor.
Steve Hebert: Declan with a backdrop--... no!
Lex Robinson: Teresa hangs on. Furthermore, she applies a Tarantula submission! Declan is stuck, unable to pull himself away, like being caught in a tangled web.
Steve Hebert: Stevie is getting back up and is joining in on the fray, too. Seeing Declan tied up, she begins kicking and stomping at him, while Teresa hangs upside-down, locking the move in tight. She's like some sort of woman-spider... or a spider-woman.
Lex Robinson: To make things worse for Declan, he has the hold tightly applied to him, with Stevie pouncing away at him, battering his chest with slaps and chops. Now, Stevie bounces off the furthest set of ropes, presumably to return with a running-shot to Declan...!
Stevie fools everyone, though; including Teresa Quaranta, who had been hanging upside-down, on the other side of the ring ropes. This allows for Stevie to baseball-slide dropkick her in the face, sliding out of the ring, between Declan's legs and smashing Teresa directly in the face! As a result, Teresa also plummets to the floor, releases her hold on Declan, who falls to the canvas, in pain.
Lex Robinson: Wow! Teresa wasn't anticipating that.
Steve Hebert: Stevie is a World Champion for a reason. She may have completely dishonoured and made a fool of Horatio Q., but she's got skills. I admit that. She's the most lethal cat I know of. Even moreso than a tiger... or Vultron!
Lex Robinson: Out here, the two people that were partners earlier tonight, are now smashing away on each other. Teresa nails Stevie with some martial arts kicks with her right leg. Ironically, with each shot Teresa takes, Stevie fires back with martial arts kicks with her left leg. They're going tit-for-tat.
Steve Hebert: More like tit-for-tit, all things considered. Speaking of which, Teresa chops Stevie in the tits. Jesus, that had to sting.
As Stevie and Teresa nail each other with horrendous shots on the outside, Declan gets back to his feet on the inside. Seeing the two women fight with each other brightens his his face, making a huge smile form. Taking a run, he makes a baseball-slide exit to the floor, sliding out between both Teresa and Stevie.
Lex Robinson: I'm not sure if that was a wise decision -- to come in between two warring women like that. Nonetheless, he fires a shot at Teresa; and strikes Stevie with some knees to the sternum. From behind, Teresa grabs his head and tries to pull him back, but he connects with some elbows, ultimately freeing himself.
Steve Hebert: What a dumb move. It just forced him to turn his full attention towards her. Considering he's now pounding her face repeatedly off the ring apron, I'd say it was just retarded.
Out here, Declan nails one suplex; rolls through; nails another suplex; rolls through it; rises again; and nails a third straight suplex, landing on the cold, ominous floor.
Lex Robinson: A series of suplexes keeps Teresa on the floor, while Stevie Swing stumbles away, eventually climbing onto the ring apron. She's now climbing ont the platform made by that wooden table.
The table allows for Stevie to take a few steps and take a running leap through the air. From the top of the turnbuckles, she makes a Shooting Star Press, crashlanding onto Declan, who had pulled Teresa into a double-underhook position!
Lex Robinson: Wow! Stevie takes out Declan! This is absolutely insanity and carnage.
Steve Hebert: That was worse than her jumping on poor Horatio Q. near the top of the show. God, that was depressing. He may have broken his hip!
Lex Robinson: I'm sure he'll be fine. As for Declan, he's just slightly wounded, but dazed. Teresa, meanwhile, is quick on the attack, shrugging off the damage Declan did by smacking her face off the apron all those times. She gets in Stevie's face, pounding her with some forearms until she is left leaning on the steel railing.
Taking some steps back, Stevie opts to race forward, going at full speed. However, Teresa lunges out, jumps into the air and connects with a jumping single-leg dropkick, which nearly concaves the World Champion's face!
Lex Robinson: Oh my God! Stevie runs right into a hard kick to the face!
Steve Hebert: She ran into that foot faster than she has ever ran face-first into a vagina.
Both Stevie and Teresa are slow to rise, with Declan laying against the railing, breathing heavily, taking his time to back back to his feet. Meanwhile, Teresa climbs back onto the apron, in one corner, just as Stevie climbs onto the adjacent part of the apron.
Lex Robinson: After being booted in the face, Stevie climbs back onto the apron, with Teresa Quaranta being adjacent to her. They are fighting near that platform, smacking each other in the face, slowly climbing their way up to it.
Steve Hebert: Showing no mercy, Teresa even grabs Stevie's face and begins smashing it against the table. I hope it busts her big, Jewish nose open. Nonetheless, our whorish World Champ fights it off by climbing her way onto the table, which remains wedged across the top turnbuckle.
Lex Robinson: Teresa and Stevie are now up there, on their knees, striking each other, trying to be the first to take a standing base. Swinging around, Teresa tries to lob off Stevie's head with a spinning-elbow; but it gets ducked! Actually, Stevie kicks her in the crotch...
Steve Hebert: Right in the cunt. A nice cunt-kicking is what we've all been waiting for!
Lex Robinson: She pulls Teresa into a standing-headscissors. Is she... she's going to try and powerbomb Teresa off the top rope... and all the way to the floor!
Steve Hebert: Holy shit, that'd kill her!
Lex Robinson: Stevie goes to lift her... but Teresa drops to her knees, countering it.
Steve Hebert: It was all she could muster. After receiving all the damage she has throughout this night, including getting kicked in that rat-face of hers -- by Kerry Windsor -- she has nothing else to do but to drop down.
Using her skull, TQ headbutts Stevie in the stomach/crotch region. Nailing some uppercuts, an exanimate Teresa tries to rise, but is too tired. She can only remain on her knees.
Lex Robinson: It's as if Teresa is too drained to get back up. She takes a deep breath, though...
With one full-motion, Teresa pops to her feet, double-underhooks Stevie, lifts her up and nails a double-underhook brainbuster onto the table!
Lex Robinson: What a brainbuster by Teresa Quaranta! Unfortunately for her, she slides off, while Stevie remains on the table, completely unconscious!
Steve Hebert: If Teresa could only haul her down and cover her, we'd be assured to have a new World Champion! But the bitch is too damn tired. Wake up, whore. A match is not the place to have a nap. Look at her, being all silly, taking a snooze in the corner, while Stevie remains propped on the table, like a crash test dummy.
Seeing what has just happened, Declan Turner climbs onto the ring apron, moves into the corner with the platform and climbs onto it, joining Stevie Swing.
Lex Robinson: Declan Turner climbs onto that table, being the only person spry enough to get back up. Teresa sits in the corner directly below them, barely having the energy to move. Declan lifts Stevie up, gutwrenches her... and goes for a gutwrench powerbomb off the platform -- into the ring!
Swinging Stevie up, Declan hopes for the best and dives through the air. Before the move can be completed, Stevie's senses kick into gear and hurricanrana him in mid-air, sending Declan Turner crashing to the ground!
Steve Hebert: So much for that!
Lex Robinson: He thought he could sneak in, out of nowhere, and capitalize on Stevie's concussion! But Stevie had just enough left in her to turn the tide! All three of them are laid out!
Steve Hebert: Who will be the first to move?! Jesus Christ, this match has been insane. How much more can they take? All three of them have dished out almost everything they can possible do.
Lex Robinson: Whoever wants to be the "Ultimate Survivor", they'll have to dig a little deeper. If Stevie could win this, it'd top off a year in which she won the World Title and the Sin Trophy. If Declan Turner can win this, it'd end his family curse, in which his family members finish second. If Teresa can, it'd be an excellent addition to her achievements, which could lead to a Hall of Face induction in 2011. It's going to be damn close.
The first to begin moving is Declan Turner, who lays in the corner furthest of the table-turned-platform. Reaching up, he grabs onto the top rope, using it to help balance himself and stand. In between him and Teresa is Stevie Swing, who does her best to rise, but is clearly in a daze, relying only on instincts.
Lex Robinson: Stevie Swing is not looking good. She stumbles to her feet, sees Teresa laying against the corner and goes in after her. She tries for a boot scrape attack of her own, but Teresa is able to reach up and punch her in the gut, backing her off.
Steve Hebert: Backing her into Declan Turner, to be more exact. He wraps his arms around her waist... BACKDROP DRIVER! That's straight out of Japan! Her handlers would be proud of that... if it wasn't done to her, you know.
Lex Robinson: Seeing Stevie dropped on her head, a beleaguered Teresa Quaranta uses whatever energy she can find to get to her feet and land Divine Intervention on Stevie, doing a complete backflip-into-a-moonsault double-stomp! Goddamn!
Steve Hebert: Declan Turner moves in, just as quickly as Teresa hit her move. Pulling her up, he double-underhooks her, lifts her vertically up into the air and throws her forward... and delivers a double-knee facebreaker!
Lex Robinson: Ragdoll Riot! That's what he calls that move! What a succession of moves done to our World Champion!
With all the damage done, Stevie rolls onto her back, in a rack of pain. Teresa Quaranta slinks her right arm across Stevie's chest, making the pinfall.
Lex Robinson: And now Stevie is being pinned! There's no way she can recover from all of that. No goddamn way, whatsoever. If she does, then I'll be surprised as hell.
Steve Hebert: She's dead. She has to be. It just came too fast and too hard. Like a Corey Page ejaculation.
The referee views Teresa Quaranta laying lifelessly across Stevie Swing, drops down and proceeds to count.
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: There's two... and...
...3!
Lex Robinson: There's three! We're going to have a new World Champion!
Steve Hebert: Holy crap. It just happened, but it's hard to believe. After defending against WAR PORK, winning the Tag Wars Trophy, it's actually Teresa Quaranta, her partner from earlier tonight, that pins her. Just think, if Teresa hadn't taken Kerry Windsor out, it could have been him.
Lex Robinson: Kerry certainly did not take his elimination well, that's for sure. And now we have Stevie Swing eliminated. It's harder to see how she's taking it... because, well, she is in a daze, having had the life knocked out of her by Declan and Teresa.
Now a former World Champion, Stevie Swing is rolled out of the ring, with some assistance from her Japanese entourage. Mr. Kagemusha can be seen yelling at her, disliking her World Title loss, yelling at her in broken English and throwing in some Japanese slurs.
Steve Hebert: In a way, though, you have to admit that this can be seen as a moral victory for Horatio Q.. I mean, after WAR PORK's defeat, this could redeem everything for him.
Lex Robinson: I think Horatio has his hands full right now... what with trying to stop Generic Heel from kissing him under the missletoe, worrying about his hip and his high blood pressure.
With the Japanese entourage holding Stevie up, they help her to the back because she can barely stand. They walk to the back, with Mr. Kagemusha continuously yelling at her and another Japanese man fanning her down.
Steve Hebert: I'm still reeling over the defeat of Stevie Swing, our Worl Champ... now ex-champ.
Lex Robinson: It's going to comedown to either or our current competitors. Who will it be: Declan or Teresa?
Steve Hebert: It'll be Declan, easily. I mean, it looks like he's in better shape right now. Plus he didn't have to face the task of wrestling 2 other times tonight.
Lex Robinson: I agree. I think you may be right.
Steve Hebert: Well, in that case, I'm changing my vote to Teresa Quaranta. I am putting 500 dollars on the new Television Champ.
Lex Robinson: Are you sure you want to wager more money?
Steve Hebert: To be honest, I haven't got a goddamn clue. If Teresa were to win, it'd cap off an amazing night for her. It'd a night in which she won the Tag Wars Trophy; became the Television Champion yet again; and would be the new World Champ. It'd launch her even further over the top.
Lex Robinson: But she's still so worn down. I'm not sure if she has it in her.
The final 2 combatants respectfully walk towards each other, with Declan first on his feet. He strikes Teresa with a fist to the jaw, knocking her down to a single knee. She instantly pops back up, though; and strikes with a punch of her own!
Steve Hebert: They're going at each other! Who will be the last person standing?!
Lex Robinson: Teresa with a chop and a slap to Declan, knocking him back. He fires back with a roaring-elbow... but it's ducked! Teresa with some martial arts kicks to his kidneys!
Steve Hebert: Make him piss blood! Good idea.
Lex Robinson: Along with those kicks, Teresa strikes with a rabbit-chop to the back of Declan's neck, instatly dropping him to his knees.
Steve Hebert: That was like some militaryesque shit.
Having him in perfect position, Teresa takes a deep breather, sucking up a lot of oxygen, trying to get energy throughout her body. Headed straight into the ropes, she bounces back, moving at full motion. Storming back, she nails Declan with a Shining Boot, smashing him in the face!
Steve Hebert: Oooooooooh! What a strike!
Lex Robinson: Declan teeters and wobbles back, with Teresa Quaranta dropping lifelessly across him. This is her chance!
Excited, the referee drops down, making the count for Teresa...
...1...!
Lex Robinson: One...!
...2...!
Lex Robinson: Two...!
...
Steve Hebert: Motherfuckin' Declan kicks out!
Lex Robinson: Unbelievable!
Both competitors get to a kneeling position. Teresa is breathing hard, but it doesn't stop her from striking at Declan, who fires back with some forearms of his own.
Lex Robinson: They're both across from each other, on their knees, taking shots at each other. Forearms from Teresa. Forearms from Declan. Punches from Teresa... and now punches from Declan, who repeatedly strikes, hoping to keep her down. Teresa returns to delivering some forearms, though, eventually finding her way back up. However, because she's so de-energized, she allows Declan to fight his way up! The fans are going back and forth, cheering for each of them.
In due time, Teresa and Declan are back on their feet, exchanging blows. Teresa strikes Declan with a flurry of shots, with the fans chanting "TQ"!
Steve Hebert: They're going back and forth, trying to beat the life out of each other.
Lex Robinson: And now Declan is striking Teresa, punching her in the face, over and over again!
The dueling chants now involve a "DE-CLAN" cheer!
Lex Robinson: Declan nails Teresa with a stiff punch... but TQ returns with a spinning-backfist to the side of Declan's skull, dropping him to the ground, making him roll to the floor!
Teresa drops back to her knees, totally winded. Declan, on the other hand, remains outside, having blood in his mouth and his lip busted open. Leaning against the ring apron, he looks upward, seeing Teresa go for a slingshot plancha onto him. Sensing danger, he steps out of the way, hoping to have her land on the floor.
Lex Robinson: Declan moves!
Steve Hebert: But she lands safely on her feet! Actually, not only does she land on her feet, but she also strikes with a rapid kick to the stomach! She even seconds that by bashing Declan's face off the ring post. Jesus, she's had a sudden burst of energy. It's like she's being incensed and energized by the blood that's coming from Declan's busted lip.
Lex Robinson: Smashing his face off the ring apron, a tired Teresa rolls Declan back into the ring, climbs onto the apron and elevates herself to the top turnbuckle. She's up there. It takes some time, but she's up there.
Steve Hebert: Interestingly enough, Declan remains laid out in front of her, despite all the time she spent climbing. She probably slipped him some Xanax or something.
She goes for the Buzzard Knee, a move she used earlier in the match...!
Lex Robinson: Declan moves! Her knees smash mercilessly into the canvas and she rolls around in pain!
Steve Hebert: This is the perfect opportunity for Declan to strike, too. Wouldn;t you know, he certainly does. Up to his feet, he staggers in, watching as Teresa helplessly sits there, unable to get up. One of them is going to die. I can feel it.
Lex Robinson: Pulling TQ up, he lifts her onto his shoulder, backs her into the corner and sits her on the top turnbuckle. He goes into the opposite corner and is apparently setting up for something, putting himself in a charging position. Here goes nothing...
Dashing across the ring, Declan runs towards Teresa... only to walk right into a lethal foot in the face from Teresa!
Lex Robinson: Oomph! That caught in square in the mouth! He stumbles back, holding his mouth, with even more blood dripping out of it.
Steve Hebert: He'll be talking like a Down's Syndrome patient until the end of time. Oh God.
As Declan stumbles out, he hunches over, letting Teresa somersault off the rope and nail him with a diving, somersault stunner, otherwise known as the Osaka Street Cutter!
Lex Robinson: What a cutter by Teresa! This could be what she needs! She rolls across the ring and covers him...!
Steve Hebert: Is this it...?!
The referee counts...!
...1...2...!
Lex Robinson: One... two... thr--...
...!
Steve Hebert: No! Declan kicks out! Holy shit!
Lex Robinson: Holy shit is right! Can anything keep them down?!
Steve Hebert: Fuck if I know. They've outlasted everyone else. They just need to find a way to outlast the other.
Lex Robinson: Looking like she has gone through hell, Teresa Quaranta slaps the canvas, in absolute frustration. Slothlike, with pain surging through her knees, she stands up.
Steve Hebert: That's what she gets for making Jake Norton's leg explode!
Lex Robinson: Not letting Declan get back up, she unloads with a kick to the stoach... a kick to the chest... another kick to the temple... and she goes for a spinning-kick to the face of Declan...!
Steve Hebert: No! He catches her foot! Dragonscrew-legwhip! That sends her rolling through, in pain! Speaking of rolling through, so does Declan, that prickbag. He converts it into a single-leg Boston Crab, pulling back, trying to get Teresa Quaranta to tap. Can you imagine if he does it? After all of this, he will make her tap!
The pain in her legs and entire body is evident by the grimace on her face. Teresa reaches out to the bottom rope, looking to break the hold.
Lex Robinson: She's reaching out... hoping to grab the ropes. Can she get to them?!
Steve Hebert: Break her leg! Show her what she did to Norton!
Squirming and wiggling, Teresa moves closer to the ropes. Realizing this, Declan drags her back into the center of the ring!
Steve Hebert: Haha, so much for that. I knew Declan still had some "mean" left in him.
Lex Robinson: She was so close; but Declan has dragged her away from the ropes. Some people want her to tap; others want her to fight. And fight is wha tshe continues to do. Worming about, she is able to lean her way out of the hold and rise. Enziguiri by Teresa Quaranta!
Steve Hebert: Holy shit, how did she do that?!
Lex Robinson: She crawls across Declan Turner, covering him! This is it!
The referee counts...!
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: There's one... and two... and thre--... no! Declan gets his foot on the bottom rope!
Steve Hebert: Oh Jesus, I just had a heart attack. She almost became a double-champ.
Lex Robinson: So close to becoming a double-champ and the Ultimate Survivor. It just wasn't close enough. Breathing hard, she lifts Declan up, barely able to stand. Bending him over, she nails some rapid-fire front kicks!
Steve Hebert: These do nothing but anger him! Matter of fact, he slips out of her hold, knees her in the gut and nails some rapid-fire front-kicks to her face, instead! They're now slapping each other! Chopping each other! Going back-and-forth with punches! This is insane!
Lex Robinson: Declan ducks a clothesline from Teresa! He kicks her in the gut and goes to powerbomb her! Wait... she slides behind him, landing safely on her feet! She turns around and blasts him with a stiff kick to the stomach... and returns to delivering more rapid-fire front-kicks!
Steve Hebert: Declan's mouth is busted open ever further, at this point!
Stunned and dazed, Declan is wavering and teetering, about to collapse. In a last ditch effort, he throws his arm at Teresa, trying to clothesline her, but she swings around it, whirls around him and unloads with a high Roundhouse Kick to his face, knocking him onto his back!
Lex Robinson: What a kick by Teresa! She runs towards the ropes and goes for more Divine Intervention!
Steve Hebert: Declan rolls out of the way! She lands on her feet, but seems to injure her leg! Trying to take advantage of this, Declan tries to clip her leg out from under her, but she steps aside, making him drop down. She nails him with an axe kick! That's Declan's own move!
Lex Robinson: What a slap in the face! Somehow, someway, she was able to lift her legs up, enabling her to strike with a brutal axe-kick to the back of Declan Turner's skull! He is down and out!
Steve Hebert: If she were smart, she'd cover him. Alas, she's a dumb, beastly cunt that turned her back on her old ways.
Lex Robinson: You're just saying that because she injured Jake Norton.
Steve Hebert: And look what that caused! The complete destruction of Team Norton... which as led to this!
Teresa turns to the corner, viewing the table-nee-platform that remains setup in one corner. Taking some time, she climbs onto it, adjusts her kneepads and tries to regain feeling in her legs. Unfortunately, this also allows Declan to regain his senses.
Steve Hebert: She has taken too long, though. Declan is sitting up and he's looking at Teresa, who is on that table. Charging into the corner, he makes a great leap and jumps onto that table. It rocks back and forth, almost completely slipping off the top turnbuckle--...
Lex Robinson: What a disaster that would have been.
Steve Hebert: It'd be an even greater disaster than Chris Extreme's last World Title reign.
Lex Robinson: Up here, Declan and Teresa fight, earning the intensity of the fans. They continue to strike and slap each other, trying to gain the advantage. Teresa tries to bring a knee to Declan, but he halts her, catching her leg. Oh my God... he nails a Dragonscrew-legwhip off the top of that platform, sending her flying all the way to the canvas!
Steve Hebert: That could have seriously injured her leg, too! Now you know what Jake Norton feels like, you dirty bitch!
Declan Turner remains on the platform/table laying on the top turnbuckle. Steadying himself, he gets to a standing base, eyeing Teresa, who takes all the time in the world to get back up.
Lex Robinson: Teresa's in pain. She needs to summon the energy to rise...
When the time is right, Declan jumps off the platform, soars through the air and nails a flying Blood Money to the back of Teresa Quaranta!
Lex Robinson: Blood Money! He hits it! All the way from the top turnbuckle, off that table!
Steve Hebert: That's what she gets for stealing his move! He rolls atop her, pinning her down, like the slut she is.
The excited referee drops down, making the count...
...1...!
Lex Robinson: We have one...!
...2...
Steve Hebert: Two--...!
Lex Robinson: This has to be it...!
...3...!
Steve Hebert: Three! It's over! Delcans Turner has won Ultimate Survival! Old Delcans has won the World Title!
Lex Robinson: What a brutal match! The striking was outstanding. There will be bruises, welts and injuries galore. In the end, it's Declan Turner that stands tall, being crowned the Ultimate Survivor and new World Champion!
The crowd is on their feet, clapping for both competitors. Both of them are in pain, Declan has a bloodied mouth and Teresa can barely move her legs, suffering a Charley horse. The referee receives the World Title and hands it over to Declan Turner, who stands in the center of the ring, holding it high above his head.
Lex Robinson: There we have it, everyone. Our new World Champion is Declan Turner, who is also the last World Champion of the decade. Imagine that. What a way to end the year. What a way to end the decade. What a goddamn show.
Steve Hebert: And remember, everyone, if you're going drinking over the holiday season, always go driving. Plow into some old people and pregnant ladies. Support Darwinism.
Lex Robinson: My God, you're the worst.
Steve Hebert: Sheesh. I was kidding. If you're drinking and driving, you should always focus on children. Everyone knows that.
Lex Robinson: Stop it! Ugh. There you have it. Declan Turner is the new World Champion and will lead us into 2011. What else will the new year bring? Can Declan outlast his first challenger, Travis Miller? Will Corey Page continue his rise into, well, insanity? Will Horatio Q. stop making life miserable for Stevie Swing? Is Redmaine the number one contender to the Ultraviolence Title now?! What about his relationship with his teammates from tonight?! Who will be nominated for the 2011 Hall of Fame class?! And what about Christ Carson? Will he exorcise Chris Extreme?! Well?! Does anyone know?
Steve Hebert: Look, I'm sure I'll hijack a time machine in the future and let you know in about 5 minutes. Now stop talking and let Declan Turner have hi moment in the spotlight.
Lex Robinson: Not a bad idea, Steve. Not a bad idea, at all.
With his World Title in his hand, Declan Turner stands on the middle turnbuckle, holding his hands in the air, receiving a grand ovation from the crowd. Hopping down, he turns around and views Teresa Quaranta, who is handed her Television Title. They share a quick glance, with Declan offering a handshake. Shrugging her shouldersm while walking gingerly on her feet, Teresa accepts the handshake, despite the beating they gave each other and everyone else.
A fitting beginning to the Christmas season.
Corey Page: There you are. Your bonuses. Open 'em up.
Abel McKenzie: Alright, awesome. I've been waiting on this.
Jacob Sean: Shit, this is what I plan on feeding the family with.
Each of them eagerly rip open their envelope and pull out what's inside. They all look at the piece of paper they pull out.
Trinity: What the hell? There's nothing on this.
Will McKenzie: Hey, mine too.
Jacob Sean: What the hell? Mine, too.
Flame: Where the hell is my money?
The camera focuses on Corey Page, who remains in his wheelchair, glaring at everyone in front of him. He shakes his head, with a snare on his face.
Corey Page: Christmas bonus? None of you deserve a Christmas bonus. To hell with all of you. You're all FIRED! Get the fuck out of here. All of you.
Jacob Sean: But... what about my family, man?
Corey Page: I said "Get the fuck out". You're lucky to get that piece of paper. If I could, I'd give you all cancer for Christmas.
Ashe Corvin: But how am I supposed to buy shitty goth makeup?
Corey Page: Leave, shitdick.
Grumbles and grunts can be heard from the group, who are not happy with this public firing. Corey Page, like the modern day Scrooge, sits in his wheelchair, having a scowl on his face and pain his head, watches his former employees exit the premises.
Corey Page: To hell with them. To hell with everyone. Worst Christmas, ever. I hope they all starve.
"A Merry Christmas" comes to a depressing end with Corey Page pulling out a bottle of Xanax and Ativan pills, popping them in his mouth and downing them with a bottle of hard liquor. Old addictions have returned and life isn't looking good for Corey Page.
With 2011 coming up, how will Sin Wrestling react to the newer, darker Corey Page? The new World Champion, Declan Turner, along with Teresa Quaranta, Stevie Swing and many others lead the way into a new year. What new stars will be made in 2011? What is to come? It's going to be a long, hard year, that's for sure.
The camera goes to black, with "Snoopy vs. The Red Baron" playing in the background.
A cameraman follows Declan Turner through the halls of the shopping mall, whereby he stumbles upon Stevie Swing, sitting alone in the food court, devouring a giant tuna. Her claws and teeth are clenched into it, regaining energy and protein from her previous bouts.
In this corner, weighing 240 pounds, with a record of 17 rapes
400 assaults, the undisputed, most diabolical
Villain in the world, Sean Mason!
Corey Page wheels himself in the backstage area, looking much happier than he has been. His arms are moving and he has the strength to push himself along, doing wheelies and even using a ramp to fly through the air.
The camera fades in and shows us Redmaine, Lady Arwen, and his band of apprentices roaming the halls. A small dove flutters gracefully between
them as Redmaine speaks.
I must have robbed them of their cause.
Sickened thirst, sickened thirst keeps it together.
Soft white glow in the cranium, a bullseye made sedated...
Teresa pauses at the top of the ramp and deliberately raises two fingers to her neck for a few seconds, then to her wrist. Once her pulse is checked, she takes a deep breath, pivots towards the crowd and flicks her hand towards the ring, sticks her nose in the air and jawing snidely at the fans. As she reaches the ring, she steps through the middle rope, beige sparklers fall from above the ring, but Teresa doesn't give them much acknowledgment, besides looking in their direction.
She walks to the turnbuckle and leans against it with a knowing smile, waiting for the match to start.
The lights in the arena dim as the SW Screen lights up, signaling the entrance
of the youngest Sin Wrestling Hall of Famer.
King of Sin
Down some pills, up some hope
This karma machine only takes quarters
New age soldier, new age soldier
"DIE HUMANITY DIE!"
After a loud, thunderous explosion, the epic symphony of "No Leaf Clover" by Metallica blasts over the airways, shaking the arena and deafening the crowd. From out of the smoke appears Christopher Chris Extreme, whose face is bloodied, after being tossed through a car window.
When the cameras return to the ringside area, Ace Rodgers is shown inside of the ring, dressed in a suit and bowtie. He is standing behind a podium, having 3 different plagues and awards laying on it, all of which will be given to the newest inductees into the Sin Wrestling Hall of Fame.
Before tonight's main event, the camera goes to the back, showing Mike Phantasy with Christ Carson, who is on a podium, preaching to anyone that'd listen. There are candles lit and a giant cross stands behind him, with decorations of the manger in which Jesus was born off to the side.
THE PATH TO GLORY IS PAVED IN AGONY
[Team Stevie: 4 -- Team Norton/Deicide: 3]
[Team Stevie: 4 -- Team Norton/Deicide: 2]
[Team Stevie: 4 -- Team Norton/Deicide: 1]
[Team Stevie: 4 -- Team Norton/Deicide: 0]