I—I believed—memory might mirror no reflections on me,
I bled—I tried to hide the heart from the head.
And I woke up this morning with the present in splinters on the ground—
And if I can't see it’s for want of—you
You said, "I see"
But I woke up this morning with a piece of past caught in my throat—
I—I guess I've learned the taste of days that will always burn.
And I woke up this morning with the present in splinters on the ground—and then I drowned.
And if I can't see it’s for want of—you
You.
I—I believed—that in forgetting I might set myself free.
But I woke up this morning with a piece of past caught in my throat...
And then I choked.
And I—I said I bled—In the arms of a girl I'd barely met.
And then I drowned.
If there's nothing here then it’s probably mine
My—My turn to see—if there's nothing here it will always be mine, mine
And then I choked.
I—I guess I've learned if it’s in the corner of my eye I can't always turn.
"For Want Of" - Rites of Spring
Lex Robinson: Uh, welcome, everyone to tonight's pay per view, Broken Hearts! We have quite a show for you; but it seems we have something setup already. I'm not sure what it is, but judging by the music, I'm guessing Chris Carson is showing up.
Steve Hebert: It's Christ Carson, Lex. Get it right, for the love of praise his name.
Lex Robinson: Tonight could be the last time we ever see Chris Carson, judging by the match he's in. That dreaded Auschwitz Prison, mixed with a casket match. My God.
Steve Hebert: I, for one, am terrified. Here's hoping, though, that Christ Carson puts that bugger, Chris Extreme, away for good. Enough of him already, and his stupid bald head and dumb boxers. Chris Extreme needs to learn to love praise his name, the good lord.
Lex Robinson: Wait, aren't you an atheist?
Steve Hebert: Indeed I am; but Chris Extreme needs some Jesus in his life.
Lex Robinson: But... that makes no sense! Whatever.
Steve Hebert: He needs to be saved, Lex. Look at him. He has no soul.
A bright flash of light is emitted and Christ Carson walks out onto the altar, amidst a shockwave of jeers from the fans. Wearing a white and bright blue robe, he stands before everyone, 15 feet in the air.
Lex Robinson: He's way up in the sky!
Steve Hebert: Just like praise his name!
Lex Robinson: Oh, stop it.
Steve Hebert: What a perfect way to begin tonight's debauchery. Let's listen to him speak, Lex. Shut your mouth.
Lex Robinson: I'm not saying anything, but okay...
Steve Hebert: I said "shush"!
Stepping up to the microphone, a calm, collected Carson clears his throat and begins preaching to the audience.
Christ Carson: My friends, may we take the time to praise our benevolent Father. I ask for a moment of silence.
While Carson folds his hands in prayer, the crowd is hardly giving the proper ritual, as catcalls and jeers rain down on Carson. He opens his eyes to glare at some in the crowd, but then resumes his service, ignoring the heathens.
Christ Carson: Today, my friends, I have decided to finally introduce my pulpit to Sin Wrestling. This haven for where the blemished go to pursue the path of corruption... this is a place that I have hung my hat upon and stomached all of the misdeeds and unforgiving punishments rained down upon the pure and holy. I have walked in the valley of Death here, and I have come out a stronger man because of it.
Steve Hebert: I agree. Christ Carson is a better man than all these other scum, such as you, Lex.
Lex Robinson: This is absolutely unbelievable.
Steve Hebert: I may be an atheist, but Christ Carson is really make me queston my faith. It's amazing. I think we're due for a miracle.
Carson continues on...
Christ Carson: There are still some here that need salvation, but there are others who still seek it after already being purified. To my brothers, Jacob and Michael, who you may know as Jake Norton and Mike Phantasy: thank you for once again joining our crusade. While the battle is short, the war is weary and I ask that you maintain a semblance of sanity.
Carson grimaces to himself, taking the time to adjust his stance on the altar. It's a long way down, after all.
Christ Carson: However, those we battle against, the heartless and the inhuman brigade that Satan himself sends into war daily... they rest not on their haunches. They strive to violate the rules and rites of Heaven with their very presence. They see us as not a welcome guest, but as a violator of their principles. They see us--the holy and righteous--as invaders!
The crowd continues to jeer at Chris Carson, hoping to interrupt his speech.
Christ Carson: Tonight, my friends, marks a change in the wind. Their own Antichrist superstar, Chris Extreme, is nearing the brink of his own disaster, tapdancing on landmines and testing the stability of an already dilapidated bridge over troubled waters. Win or lose, tonight Chris Extreme faces his maker.
The fans boo loudly.
Steve Hebert: Good! Tell them, Christ Carson! Hallelulah.
Lex Robinson: Oh, be quiet.
Christ Carson: Of course, it is still up to Extreme to decide who that maker is. He still has time to accept the graces of a benevolent God. He still has sand pouring through his hourglass. He can still come and embrace his fellow man, accept the waters of baptism and convert himself into a better man.
Christ Carson: And if not...if Chris Extreme is to turn his cancer-scourged back once again from sympathy...if he is to deny treatment for that corrupted mind of his...then I say that his life as we know it is one without any forgiveness from God. So I say this to you, Extreme...c ome out and embrace our warmth! Come out and accept your leader...our leader! Come and be reborn before your life decays into despair!
He pauses, waiting for Chris Extreme's arrival.
Steve Hebert: It all brings a tear to my eye, Lex. Christ Carson has reformed himself. Turned into a great family man. It's amazing, really. Good for him.
Lex Robinson: Ugh, it's sickening and hypocritical.
Steve Hebert: Of course you'd say that, heathen.
Lex Robinson: Look, can we just get Broken Hearts officially underway? This is just silly.
Steve Hebert: Hell no, the Christ is still talking.
True to Steve's words, Chris Carson continues speaking, much to the disdain of the jeering crowd.
Christ Carson: Tonight, is the last ever encounter between that filth, Chris Extreme, and I. I promise I will not be the one put into that casket. I promise I will put an end to his evil. There is no hope for him. It is up to me to save you from him... to save you from his evil. So, come out...
The jeers get louder.
Christ Carson: Accept me as your saviour, Sin Wrestling. Tonight is the night that I save you. Tonight--...
The sounds of a revving chainsaw can be heard, cutting Chris Carson off. Looking around, he appears confused.
Steve Hebert: What the...?
Christ Carson: Whatever that was, cut it out, I'm speaking here.
Lex Robinson: What was that?
Steve Hebert: Damn good question.
Christ Carson speaks again.
Christ Carson: Anyhow, to get to the point...
Bzzzzzzzzzzztttttttttttt...!
Steve Hebert: There it is again!
Lex Robinson: I have no idea... what the heck?
Steve Hebert: Christ Carson is trying to talk here. Whoever is making that noise, piss off.
Lex Robinson: Weird.
Shaking his head, Christ Carson turns back to the microphone and begins speaking some more, a look of consternation on his face.
Chris Carson: As I was saying...
Bzzzzzzzzzzzttt!
Steve Hebert: Wait just a damn sec-- agh!
Out of nowhere, Chris Extreme kicks open the casket door! Standing up, he has a chainsaw in his hands and is looking at Chris Carson, who is slack-jawed and terrified, perched atop the altar.
Steve Hebert: Oh God no!
Lex Robinson: Chris Extreme is here! He's popped out of that casket! He was in there this entire time!
Steve Hebert: And he's got a friggin' chainsaw! Oh dear God.
The fans are on their feet, in an absolute frenzy, as Chris Extreme stomps out of the casket and marches over to the altar. High in the air, Chris Carson holds his hand out, graciously asking Chris Extreme not to do any damage; which causes Extreme to respond with a middle finger salute.
Steve Hebert: How disrespectful! Now, get down out of there, Carson -- and run! Run for your goddamn life. That maniac has no care for human life. He has no compassion for anything.
Lex Robinson: Wait, wait, wait--... Chris swings that chainsaw about!
Steve Hebert: No! God no!
The chainsaw violently whirls away, cutting away at the wooden leg of the altar!
Lex Robinson: From atop that stage, Chris Carson is yelling out. There's no way out.
Steve Hebert: He can jump. Do it, Chris, do it! For the love of your God, jump! Just get out of there!
Lex Robinson: He's stuck up there, with nowhere to go. Meanwhile, Chris is going to bring him down with a chainsaw!
Slicing through one wooden leg, Chris cackles like a lunatic, pointing and laughing at Chris Carson's predicament atop the altar. Picking up a Bible, Carson tries warding him off, but it's to no avail.
Steve Hebert: Someone make him stop! This is awful.
Lex Robinson: Christ Carson is throwing a Bible at him... but Chris Extreme just carves his way through it! Pieces of Genesis, Exodus and the New Testament go flying everywhere!
Steve Hebert: Oh no. Matthew, Mark, Luke and John will be pissed.
As pieces of paper flutter to the ground, Chris Extreme grits his teeth and presses the chainsaw into the next leg. The altar begins to wobble and shake, while Carson hollers orders at Chris Extreme, demanding that he stop.
Steve Hebert: This has to end, right goddamn now. This is too much. This is too damn dangerous.
Lex Robinson: Dangerous is an understatement! That stage is shaking madly--...
Steve Hebert: Shaking worse than Michael J. Fox, even.
Lex Robinson: The chainsaw is going through the leg... and it's through! Only two legs remain! The opposite legs of the altar have been chopped down. One more to go and Chris Carson will go tumbling down.
Steve Hebert: That can't happen. This is awful. He'll die... or something. At least he'll immediately ascend to heaven... even though it doesn't exist. But still.
In a panic, high above the entrance, Chris Carson shouts at Chris Extreme, getting no respect. In response, Chris begins sawing into the third leg of the altar. The vibrations travel to the top of the stage, with Chris Carson frantically trying to crawl down it; but it's far too late.
Steve Hebert: Ahhhh! No!
When the saw buzzes through the third leg, the altar topples to its side, crashing all the way down, with Chris Carson clinging to the side of it! Chris Carson and the altar splinter to the ground, with Carson going through several tables, falling into the pit of the floor!
Lex Robinson: Oh my God! Chris Carson just plummeted to the ground! Robe, Bibles and all!
Steve Hebert: This is awful! I hope praise his good name was watching over him. To make matters worse, Chris Extreme stands there, grinning like the Mad Hatter. This is ridiculous. Do you realize how much damage he's just done? Doesn't he realize what he's done to poor Christ Carson!
Lex Robinson: The venom, hatred and rivalry goes back over a decade, Steve. It's all boiled down to this. It's been a longtime coming; through being thrown off climbs, set on fire and thrown into barbed-wire, it all boils down to tonight's final encounter between both men.
Steve Hebert: Someone's going to die. I can feel it. Oh my.
A maniacal Chris Extreme holds the chainsaw over his head, buzzing it around, delighting the crowd, as medical personnel arrive on the scene and check on Chris Carson. Amongst the twisted carnage of wood, Chris Carson lays in a lump on the floor, having medical personnel and officials check on him, with the fans standing to their feet. Broken Hearts is officially underway.
Lex Robinson: Finally, we're ready to start; after that wild opening.
Steve Hebert: Chris Extreme tried to murder Christ Carson. Absolutely ridiculous.
Lex Robinson: We need to focus on the topic at hand, though, right now. That being figuring out who's set to face Teresa Quaranta later tonight. Originally, Jake Norton was supposed to take her on for the Television Title, but he's pulled out, due to -- get this -- becoming a referee. I don't know, either, folks.
Steve Hebert: Well, good. It's about time that we've had a good, wholesome referee around these parts. Christ Carson would be proud.
Lex Robinson: This match was originally a 4-way match, but two of the competitors, WAR PORK and Kason Kreed, are not here yet. As such, it's a single match, featuring Bucky Gunts and Estelle Webb, who is out here now.
Steve Hebert: Estelle would love the opportunity to meet Teresa, too. She wants revenge on that cold-hearted dyke. What better time to do so than tonight? She could beat her silly and steal that title from her.
'Daft Punk Is Playing At My House' by LCD Soundsystem instantly blares over a sold-out crowd, allowing Bucky Gunts to charge through the curtains and hop around the stage, while bobbing his head like a terrible German DJ. Prancing down the ramp, he does a little dance and finally springs off a little trampoline, to the inside of the ring, like an a.d.h.d. American child. After settling himself properly inside the ring, he hassles the referee; demanding him to call for the bell.
Lex Robinson: Her opponent, Bucky Gunts, has arrived. Bucky... he's... well, an odd fellow.
Steve Hebert: He's a goddamn pedophile.
Lex Robinson: Well, he's a creep. I wouldn't go as far as to say anything too bad.
Steve Hebert: He's a goddamn sicko. A pervert. One of the reasons why Christ Carson needs to clean this shithole up. At least I jerkoff to legal girls, Lex.
Lex Robinson: Uh, okay, Steve. That's enough.
Steve Hebert: I'm just saying.
When the bell rings, the two opponent step toward each other. Right off the bat, Bucky Gunts tries to cop a feel on Estelle's right breast, but she swats his hand away, showing disgust and annoyance.
Steve Hebert: See? He's a goddamn weirdo. He tried to grab her tit! Granted, I don't blame him for wanting to rub that trainwreck, Estelle Webb... but still!
Lex Robinson: As a matter of fact, she responds by slapping him hard across the face, nearly dropping him to the ground! She seconds that by drilling him with some knees and kicks, while he lays on the ground, on one knee. Picking him up, she smashes his face off the top turnbuckle and unloads on him, with some forearms. Snap-maring him over, she has him sitting before her and she gives him some harsh kicks to the back, stifling any attempts at getting back up.
Steve Hebert: Good. She needs to stay on the attack, like the black widow she is. Stomp on his hands, his feet; even his eyeballs. Keep that dirtbag down and out.
Lex Robinson: In a rush, she climbs onto the middle turnbuckle and jumps off, connecting with a sit-down dropkick to the back of a seated Bucky Gunts that catches him right in the neck. That no doubt causes some whiplash.
Steve Hebert: Now how's he supposed to suck his own dick?!
Getting back up, Estelle Webb lifts Bucky to his feet and smacks away at him, trapping him against the ropes. After connecting with a dropkick to the stomach, she leaves him hunched over, in perfect position for her to bounce off the adjacent ropes and storm back with a vicious kick to the temple!
Steve Hebert: She continues striking him! Now, she places him into a double-underhook position and runs into the corner. She nails a double-underarm Tornado DDT, driving that bag of filth into the canvas!
Lex Robinson: Plus she rolls him over, too.
The referee makes the count...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...
Steve Hebert: Aw, fuck it. He kicks out. She pulls him up, though, not giving him a second to recouperate. Stay on him and beat the jizz out of him.
For the second time, Estelle pulls Bucky to his feet. Having him dazed in the center of the ring, she runs towards the ropes, jumps onto the middle rope and springs backward, connecting with a smashing back-elbow to the face of Bucky Gunts!
Lex Robinson: She catches him with an elbow. Pulling him up, it appears she's going for the exact same maneuver. She charges towards the ropes and leaps back...
However, Bucky catches her, drops her to the canvas and grabs ahold of her crotch!
Steve Hebert: Oh no.
Lex Robinson: Bucky has surprised Estelle with, uh... a crotch grab. Right out of Chris Extreme's book, I think. Lifting her up, he hoists her up and nails a Falcon Arrow, smashing her between his legs! He covers her...
Again, the count is made.
...1...2...!
Lex Robinson: One... two...
...!
Lex Robinson: ...No! Estelle Webb easily kicks out at the count of two!
Steve Hebert: Bucky seems pissed. I would be, too; if I was a pervert.
Lex Robinson: But you are a pervert.
Steve Hebert: Well, fine; I accept that.
Lifting Estelle to her feet, he has her bent over and insists on dropping some elbows across the back of her neck. Scooping her upside down, he "accidentally" rubs his crotch against her face, while placing her in a Tombstone position.
Lex Robinson: Uhm... oh dear. Bucky just rubbed his genitalia against Estelle's face. However, that does nothing but anger her, as she manages to pop herself up and bring him down with a spinning-headscissors takedown!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Take that, jizzbucket.
Lex Robinson: Bucky goes to get up, but he is taken down by a sudden front-flip dropkick from Estelle, which knocks him back against the ropes! Wow! What agility from Estelle.
Steve Hebert: It just proves she's better than Teresa Quaranta.
Lex Robinson: Uh, I'm not sure if that so, but if that's what you think, then okay.
Steve Hebert: Of course it does. Look, she has Bucky in a nooge now! See?
Lex Robinson: From a noogie, to a takedown, into a double-armbar submission, stretching his pectorial muscles, that is. Struggling to free himself, Bucky squirms around, grabbing onto Estelle's boob, in order to release himself! Rolling forward, he gets to his feet, but remains hunched over, in pain.
Steve Hebert: Estelle quickly whirls around, though; still on the ground. She uses her legs to trip him up and bodyscissors him. Again, Bucky remains a slippery little fucker and slides to freedom.
Lex Robinson: He's actually holding on to Estelle's legs... and is sizing her crotch up!
Steve Hebert: That sick fuck! I wonder what it smells like. Probably like burnt tuna.
Lex Robinson: He's going for a sharpshooter...!
As he goes to apply the submission, Estelle reaches up and inside-cradles him, rolling him up into a pinfall!
Lex Robinson: Wait...! She rolls him up!
...1...2...!
Lex Robinson: One... two...
...3!
Lex Robinson: ...three! She catches Bucky by surprise and picks up the victory! Estelle Webb is moving on to later in the night, where she will take on Teresa Quaranta for the Television Title!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Anyone but Bucky Gunts. Hell, I deserve a shot moreso than Bucky.
Sliding out of the ring, Estelle looks coyly at Bucky, who has a raging erection, but a look disappointment on his face. Estelle Webb walks to the back, knowing she has a title shot later tonight, leaving a confused Bucky Gunts in the ring.
Steve Hebert: You lost, Bucky. Hit the bricks.
Lex Robinson: What a match-up for later tonight: Estelle Webb and Teresa Quaranta; with Jake Norton as referee. Should be a good one, hey?
Steve Hebert: Yeah; and Bucky Gunts gets absolutely nothing.
Inside the ring, Bucky Gunts looks like he's going to cry. Hopping to the floor, he walks to the back, folds his arms and passes to the backstage area.
Winner: Estelle Webb
Medic #1: Hey, wait!
Christ Carson: Get away from me!
Medic #2: You can't go. You're hurt!
Medic #1: Sir, where are you going? ? Come back here.
Ignoring their cries of concern, Christ Carson stumbles off, holding his ribcage area. They are left stunned, not knowing what else to do, while Carson walks away, barely able to stand on his own two feet, opting to stay and fight Chris Extreme in the main event.
Babred-Wire Boards
Flaming Tables
Lex Robinson: Right now, we have the Ultraviolence Title match. This is going to be something. Flaming tables are allowed; so are those barbed-wire boards. It should be a brutal affair.
Steve Hebert: I can't wait. Our champ is going to absolutely brutalize this bitch.
Lex Robinson: Pretty much anything can happen, be ready. Even the fans better be careful; especially those in the first few rows.
Steve Hebert: If we're lucky, they'll get doused with gasoline and set ablaze, too.
Papa Roach's "Last Resort" comes over the P.A. system and the lights go black. Red flares start shooting off at both sides of the entranceway and into the spotlights, as Beau Brant makes his way out onto the stage, carrying the Ultraviolence Title over his right shoulder and having his bodyguard to his left. He makes his way down the walkway, having a patch over his left eye, wearing red knee-length shorts, no shoes and there's a white towel hanging over his bare shoulder. As he approaches the ringside area, he rolls underneath the bottom rope and begins his pre-fight exercises.
Steve Hebert: Beau Brant is a goddamn beast. Look at him, Lex. My god, look at that motherfucker. He may have a scorched eye, but goddamn, look at him!
Lex Robinson: Why don't you just make love to him?
Steve Hebert: Not gay.
Lex Robinson: Well, calm down. I agree he's a beast, but you're salivating a little too much.
Steve Hebert: I'm hungry; and Beau is like a giant piece of vanilla cake.
Lex Robinson: You're ridiculous. He's been absolutely dominant since entering Sin Wrestling and winning that title on his first night. However, his opponent for tonight has really tested him and pushed him to the limit.
Steve Hebert: She's a manly man.
The arena gently sinks into a soft, purple haze. A light guitar gently rocks the speakers and queues up a gentle siren-esque wail.
I watched you change, into a fly
I looked away, you were on fire
Lisa Seldon steps lightly onto the stage, slinking through the wash of purple smoke and stepping to the stages edge. She closes her eyes, smiles and lets slip a smile as she lifts her palms up to the sky.
I watched a change in you
It's like you never had wings
She makes a slow descent off the ramp, touching base with a few fans before skipping up onto the apron. She lands on one knee, allowing her to lean back off the ropes and take a look around the room before slipping through the ropes.
Now you feel so alive
I've watched you change
Lex Robinson: Lisa Seldon slips inside the ring and Beau Brant immediately charges at her, like an ornery bull!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Kill her!
Lex Robinson: Beau goes for a clothesline; but Lisa ducks beneath it!
Steve Hebert: Aw, shit.
Lex Robinson: He turns around and tries swatting at her, but she ducks away from those blows, as well. Instead, she begins nailing some alternating right and left kicks, staggering him. Leaping into the air, she spins around and connects with a stiff-kick to the jaw, tying him up against the ropes!
Steve Hebert: Goddamnit, this isn't how I envisioned things happening. I don't think Beau did, either.
Stepping back, she winds up and goes for a high-kick, but Beau blocks her leg, catches her by the leg and pulls her into him. Having a hold of her leg and body, he flips her with a belly-to-belly suplex, which almost sends her flying into one of the barbed-wire boards!
Lex Robinson: Lisa Seldon is almost sent flying into the barbed-wire board! That was way too close. Beau Brant follows in, though. He grabs her by the hair and goes to smash her face off the barbed-wire board, using his strength to manhandle her.
Steve Hebert: Speaking of manhandling, Lisa Seldon is a goddamn man under that wig. I swear to fuck.
Lex Robinson: Lisa blocks the attempt at being smashed into the barbed-wire board, getting her foot up and stopping the blow. Instead, she nails an elbow to Beau's sternum and connects with a back-fist! Instead, she tries blasting his face into the barbed-wire...
Steve Hebert: Beau will have none of that, though! Using his strength, he stops the assault and sends her flying overhead with a simple, but effective throw, which vaults her across the ring! Turning around, he goes straight after Lisa, aiming at her with a running clothesline. Of course, that awful cunt ducks that, as well. She's like a goddamn monkey or something.
Lex Robinson: Furthermore, she slides behind him, jumps up and connects with a dropkick to the back of his skull, making him stumble forward, almost falling into the other barbed-wire board!
Stopping himself by placing two hands on the ropes, Beau turns around and views Lisa charge full-speed at him. Thinking quick, he pushes her overhead, hoping to send her flying into and through the barbed-wire board...!
Lex Robinson: ...No! Lisa is able to stop herself from going through the boards by placing her legs on the two adjacent middle ropes! Instead, she jumps up, whirls around and connects with a flying roundhouse kick to Beau Brant, officially knocking him onto his back, much to the joy of the fans!
Steve Hebert: These morons should shut up. Beau has been the best damn Ultraviolence Champ in years. He'd set all of these assholes on fire. First, he conquered MMA; and now he's conquering Sin Wrestling. This bitch, Lisa Seldon, is just seconds away from being destroyed... she just needs to stop beating on him with elbows. Ugh.
Lex Robinson: As Beau is kneeling in front of her, Lisa hammers away at him with various body shots, kneeing him in the face and even batters him with some rapid-kicks! She steps back and goes to perform "The Killer"!
Steve Hebert: Hell no! Beau catches her foot, pushes her back and connects with a stiff-uppercut! Yes! Much better.
Nailing some punches that enable him to rise, Beau grabs onto Lisa and goes to whip her into the corner, headed her straight to the barbed-wire board. Before she can land, she puts her foot up and halts herself.
Lex Robinson: No! Lisa stops, not going through that board. She turns around--...
Steve Hebert: But Beau is stampeding towards her...!
Thinking fast, Lisa steps out of the way, seeing Beau run at her. Within a second, she drop-toe-holds him, smashing him through the barbed-wire board!
Steve Hebert: Oh no!
Lex Robinson: What a reversal of fortune! Lisa has sent Beau Brant through that barbed-wire board! He's all tangled up in that wire, which rips into his skin, making him bleed like a stuck pig.
Steve Hebert: [whimpering] Oh no.
Lex Robinson: The fans are on their feet, cheering for Lisa Seldon, who is on one knee, taking a deep breath. Beau Brant, on the other hand, is stuck in the barbed-wire, trying to pry himself out of it.
Steve Hebert: It sticks into his skin, though. Oh God, poor Beau.
Lex Robinson: Not letting him up, Lisa moves in and begins kicking and stomping on the back of his skull, scratching his face off the barbed-wire. Despite this, he keeps coming, like a movie monster villain, with blood dripping from his skin. Lisa climbs onto the middle rope, connects with a kick to his face and hops back down. As Beau wipes some blood out of his face, Lisa connects with some forearms and pulls him out.
Steve Hebert: She should just pull on his bloody cock.
Lex Robinson: Leaving Beau against the ropes, she connects with a spin-kick, hunching him over. Backing out, she runs at him...
Steve Hebert: Wait... Beau grabs onto her and presses her above his head! He may be bloodied, but he flings her from inside the ring -- to the outside! She smashes through one of those tables! Oh my God yes!
Lex Robinson: Wow! He absolutely destroyed Lisa by heaving her through that table! My God!
Steve Hebert: Now that fixes everything! Thank fucking Christ!
Lex Robinson: Beau is stumbling around, trying to regain his senses. He soon follows out, watching Lisa roll about in the carnage of that smashed table.
Steve Hebert: I wish he had smashed her manly face.
Lex Robinson: Exiting the ring, Beau hops down to the floor and goes to continue punishing her, as his bodyguard watches, nodding his head.
Out here, Beau throws the pieces of broken table away, except for one piece that he uses to smash atop Lisa. Lifting her up, he drops her throat-first across the ring railing and then proceeds to furiously whip her into the ring steps!
Lex Robinson: Goddamn! Lisa smashes into those steps, going up and over them! Beau is soon after her, though. He lifts her up, smashes her across the back and lifts her onto his shoulder. He charges towards the ring post, smashing her against it and violently whips her to the floor!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Kill her!
Lex Robinson: He stomps her and yanks her up by the hair.
Steve Hebert: Treat her like the dirty slut she is, Beau. Beat her down.
Nailing Teresa with a double-axehandle, Beau picks up the ring steps and goes to slam them on Lisa, hoping to sandwich her against the ring post. However, as he goes to smash her with them, she ducks out of the way, making him smash himself against them!
Steve Hebert: Shit! She moves! That bag of slut!
Lex Robinson: He turns around, still holding those steps. Lisa jumps onto the ring apron, runs, leaps off and connects with a running-dropkick to the steps, smashing them into Beau's face, knocking him down!
Steve Hebert: Ugh. This should be illegal!
Slowly and bloodied, he gets back up, only to have Lisa superkick him in the face, knocking him onto one of the tables. Jumping onto the ring apron, Lisa climbs to the top rope, looks over her shoulder and dives off with a diving moonsault!
Lex Robinson: Lisa moonsaults Beau through the table! It cracks in half!
Steve Hebert: I'm surprise he didn't smash through automatically, considering how large he is.
Lex Robinson: She's hooking his clunky, big leg, going for the cover...!
Steve Hebert: Uh oh.
The referee drops down, making the cover on the floor, between the mounds of broken table...!
...1...!
Lex Robinson: One...!
...2...!
Lex Robinson: Two...!
...!
Steve Hebert: He pushes slutty Lisa off him! Phew.
Lex Robinson: The pinfall is broken up and Beau manages to sit up, while Lisa slides back into the ring. Marching to the other side of the ring, she waits for Beau to stand. In a daze, he gets to his feet, with Lisa running towards him... and she hits a hard baseball-slide dropkick! Beau Brant is kicked back so hard, he tumbles over the steel railing!
Steve Hebert: More importantly, he's fallen to the feet of the scum in the front row.
Lex Robinson: Pulling herself back inside, Lisa walks over to the corner, picks up the other unbroken barbed-wire board and heads towards the ropes with it. Just as Beau Brant gets back up, she throws it at him, smashing him in front of his face!
Steve Hebert: It's stick to him! Oh God, the barbed-wire is stuck in his skin! That entire board is hanging off him!
Lex Robinson: He's trying to rip it off his skin; but Lisa Seldon is revving herself up in the ring. She's up to something...
Bouncing off the furthest set of ropes, Lisa storms back, springs onto the top rope and springboards into the air. Somersaulting in mid-air, she crashes onto the back of the barbed-wire board, taking both it and Beau down!
Lex Robinson: Down goes Beau Brant, the Ultraviolence Champion!
Steve Hebert: Mother of Zeus. She flew through the air and bombed him. Jesus Christ, she's like the Enola Gay. She's the Enola Dyke.
Lex Robinson: She almost took out the entire first few rows, too!
Steve Hebert: Good. No big loss.
Lex Robinson: She's making another cover...
The referee counts...
...1...2...!
Lex Robinson: One... two...!
...!
Steve Hebert: He kicks out! Oh, thank Christ. Why can't his bodyguard just move in and kick her in the cunt?!
Lex Robinson: Kicking out, Beau Brant remains afloat, but just barely.
Lisa Seldon gets back up, annoyed at the lack of a pinfall. Sitting Beau up, ripping him out of the barbed-wire, she connects with a shifting-kick to the bloody face, keeping him under her control. Stepping to the side, she is handed a chair from a nearby chain.
Steve Hebert: Oh, that's fair, isn't it, Lex? Look at that dopey fan hand her that chair. Fucking ridiculous.
Lex Robinson: Hey, anything goes. She gleefully takes the chair and smashes it across Beau's back, making the fans let out a grand cheer!
Steve Hebert: She strikes again... and again... and again. Oh God, this is awful. Taking a few steps back, she stands amongst the fans, who pat her on the back, as she holds her hands in the air. Stand up, Beau, for the love of dicks.
When he stands, Lisa charges at him, holding the chair at her side, hoping to smack him with it. Wisely ducking down, he sends her flying through the air, backdropping her all the way onto the side of the ring apron, cracking her back!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Lisa and that stupid, dented chair go flying!
Lex Robinson: That may have broken her back! Oh my, that had to hurt.
Steve Hebert: I hope so, Lex. Boy, do I hope so. I hope it gave her back cancer.
Lex Robinson: Steve's vitriol is a little much, but Beau needs to climb over the ring railing and go cover Lisa.
Steve Hebert: Now that's something I can agree with. He's up, stumbling around, trying to clear the blood off his face and body. He's never dealt with something like this in the MMA world, so he's trying to steady himself. Instead of climbing over that dreadful ring railing, he rips it off its hinges and throws it onto Lisa Seldon! Goddamn!
Lex Robinson: Oh man, that steel cracks down on her back. It can't be good for the lumbar region. However, he chooses not to cover. He actually decides to grab a table and begins pouring gasoline on it!
Steve Hebert: Here we go. This is what we've been waiting for.
Lex Robinson: This is going to be awful. Absolutely awful.
With the table covered in gasoline, Beau lifts Lisa up and pulls her onto the side of the ring apron. After delivering a smashing headbutt, he pulls her in, preparing to destroy her and send her through that table.
Steve Hebert: Beau is pointing to his bodyguard, demanding that he light the table on fire. Get to it.
Lex Robinson: Obliging to Beau's requests, his bodyguard drops a match on it and sets the table on fire!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Fire! This is going to be it!
Pulling Lisa into him, Beau hoists her up and sets her into a standing-headscissors. Lifting her up into a powerbomb position, he is caught by surprise when she frantically kicks, enabling herself to slip out behind him!
Steve Hebert: Hey!
Lex Robinson: Lisa slides away from the powerbomb! The table is crackling and she's able to slip out!
Steve Hebert: Oh no.
Lex Robinson: She counters with a stiff side-kick to Beau's gut, followed by some back-handed chops. As a result, Beau is left dangling on the apron, holding on to the top rope, not wanting to fall through that flaming table!
Steve Hebert: Hold on, Beau! Hold on, like it's a piece of bloody steak!
Taking several steps back, Lisa jumps forward and leaps onto his shoulders, looking to hurricanrana him off the apron. He doesn't budge.
Steve Hebert: He stops her! Turn around and powerbomb her through that flaming table! The only thing more flaming, at this point, is Lex Robinson.
Lex Robinson: Uh, thanks.
Steve Hebert: Send her to hell!
Before Beau can fully rotate, Lisa pummels him with fists and forearms, enabling her to backflip and land on her feet, still on the apron!
Lex Robinson: She's able to put an end to that. Just as she lands, Beau tries to lob her head off with a big right fist! She ducks it, though! Actually, she springs into the air, using the middle rope and connects with a fast kick to his face, staggering him backwards!
Steve Hebert: Ah! Hold on, Beau!
Lex Robinson: She jumps up again and connects with a bicycle-kick to his chest! He wobbles over, in pain.
Steve Hebert: Oh no...!
Sitting on Beau's shoulders, she hooks both of his arms and backflips over him, hitting The Viledriver off the ring apron, through the flaming table!
Lex Robinson: The Viledriver! She puts Beau through that flaming table!
Steve Hebert: Oh no! He's on fire!
Lex Robinson: Officials run in and finally douse the fire; but I think it might be over for Beau! She may have finally toppled the beast! She's covering him...!
The referee makes the count...!
...1...2...!
Lex Robinson: One... two...!
Steve Hebert: Oh...
...3!
Lex Robinson: ...Three! She does it! Lisa Seldon is the new Ultraviolence Champion! Holy crap, what a match!
Steve Hebert: Ughhhh. I can't believe it. Someone has finally taken the monster down.
Lex Robinson: Beau's held that title since Halloween night. Now, on this Valentine's Day, how approrpriate is it that Lisa Seldon becomes the new champ.
Steve Hebert: Yeah, it's very appropriate that a loveless hag wins on Valentine's Day.
Getting to her feet, Lisa Seldon, who has Beau's blood on her body, is handed the Ultraviolence Title. Holding it high in the air, she receives a grand ovation from the fans and walks to the back, getting clapped and cheered.
Steve Hebert: This. This is exactly why I hate women. They ruin everything.
Lex Robinson: You hate women?
Steve Hebert: They should just be used as my cum-receptable, that's it.
Lex Robinson: And Lisa's the sickening one?
In the meantime, Beau Brant's bodyguard steps in and aides Beau in getting to his feet. Holding on to him, he helps Beau walk up the aisle, listening to the jeers pour in for him.
Steve Hebert: Poor cyclops.
Lex Robinson: To be fair to Beau, he held that title for quite a well. He should hold his head up high. He just needs to keep an eye on the competition.
Steve Hebert: How dare you make fun of old patchy.
Having scrapes, cuts and burns on his body, Beau is helped to the back, allowing the cameras to fade out.
Winner: Lisa Seldon
CAPS LOCK: YOU CAN DO IT, STEVIE! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Generic Heel: Beat that faggot, Travis Miller. His bald head reminds me of a nice, tasty cock.
Horatio Q.: Kill motherfaggot!
CAPS LOCK pats Horatio on the shoulder.
CAPS LOCK: PLEASE, HORATIO, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, CALM YOURSELF!
Horatio Q.: Okies.
CAPS LOCK hands Horatio a nice juicebox, while WAR PORK moans and grunts. They walk behind Stevie Swing, who pushes her way past several fans -- literally. She pushes them over and walks inside, with the Department of H.A.R.M. walking after her.
Lex Robinson: Are you conflicted, Steve?
Steve Hebert: Eh, a little.
Lex Robinson: Week in and week out, you sing the praises of both of the competitors in this match. Tonight, Deicide's gigantic man, his prized possession -- Jeremiah Jihad -- takes on Redmaine, someone you've really become fond of.
Steve Hebert: Look, I'm going to put it straight. I'm just expecting a nice, pleasant straight-up match. Sure, Redmaine attacked Deicide at A Merry Christmas; and sure, it resulted in his elimination; but they can get past this. I'm sure of it, Lex.
Lex Robinson: After the brawling that's been done, I highly doubt that.
"Mad World" by Gary Jules comes on over the P.A. system as the arena fades to black. White strobes begin to flash in three second intervals as Redmaine steps outs from the backstage area. He pauses at the entrance and holds both arms in they air, as if he is a king praising his subjects. Lady Arwen comes out at his side, followed by a loyal servant... and another loyal servant... and another... and another... and one final guy.
Steve Hebert: Oh dear.
Lex Robinson: We seem to have a crowd out here.
Steve Hebert: I smell a brawl coming.
Lex Robinson: I believe you're on to something, Steve. Redmaine walks to the ring, with Lady Arwen and his followers. Stopping at the ring, he points at Deicide Anthony Elverum and his apprentices go on the attack!
Steve Hebert: Hey, wait. Oh no, please... everyone calm down.
The 5 apprentices jump Deicide Anthony Elverum, instantly prompting Jeremiah Jihad to climb out of the ring and hop to the floor. Right away, the monster of a man grabs onto various Redmaine followers, smashing them together like two coconuts.
Steve Hebert: Oh boy, this is not good. Referee, restore some order, would you?
Lex Robinson: There's a mess on the floor. Everyone's fighting. As Jeremiah Jihad is plucking followers off Deicide, Redmaine comes over and pounces on him, jumping on his back! In the meantime, the bell and rung and we're officially underway, even if everything's started on the floor.
Steve Hebert: Good. The sooner they can shake hands.
Violently ripping Redmaine off his back, Jihad tosses Redmaine back into the ring, but not before hammering a few more followers off Deicide, who joins Jihad in beating them down.
Lex Robinson: Deicide, standing in front of 5 fallen apprentices, points to Redmaine in the ring, instructing Jeremiah Jihad to climb back inside. Wouldn't you know it, Jihad obliges.
Steve Hebert: Of course he does.
Stepping onto the ring apron, Jihad goes to step over the top rope. As he does, Redmaine springs forward and catches him with some stiff blows, resulting in him being crotched across the top rope.
Steve Hebert: Smart move by Redmaine catching Jihad when he least expected it! Not only that, he bounces off the adjacent set of ropes and comes back with a clothesline to Jeremiah Jihad... but the big man doesn't go down. And by big man, I mean big man. Good lord, he's the Egyptian Hulk.
Lex Robinson: In an attempt to get him back inside Redmaine steps onto the middle rope and hammers him with some blows. However, Jihad simply becomes annoyed with this and shoves Redmaine back, knocking him into the center of the ring. What brute strength.
Steve Hebert: Goddamn right he is. He's a friggin' monster. Stepping into the ring, he towers above Redmaine, who gets up, trying to hammer away at him, but to no such luck. Jeremiah Jihad counters this by putting his big paw of a hand across Redmaine's face and forcefully pushing him into the corner!
Lex Robinson: Wow! He moves in, going for a back-elbow... but Redmaine steps out of the way! This could be the momentum he needs to take the big man down.
Having Jihad front-first in the corner, Redmaine climbs onto the middle rope and stands behind him. After delivering some forearms to the back of Jihad's skull, he smashes his face off the buckles and starts biting on his ear!
Steve Hebert: Oh shit. Redmaine is hungry!
Lex Robinson: My God, he's chewing on Jeremiah Jihad's ear.
Steve Hebert: He's summoning his inner Mike Tyson. All he needs to do now is push a hot black girl down the stairs.
In pain, Jeremiah Jihad pushes Redmaine off, shoving him down to the canvas. Turning around, he charges out, going for Redmaine. Again, Redmaine steps out of the way of a shoulderblock, swirls around the big man and tries takie his right leg out with a kick!
Lex Robinson: If Redmaine wants to come out as a winner, he'll want to focus on those legs. Take them out, one at a time.
Steve Hebert: Well, he better keep his eye out for Deicide, as well. You just know he's itching to get a piece of him.
Lex Robinson: He's probably also itching to get a piece of Jake Norton, too.
Steve Hebert: But Norton is such a lovable little scamp.
Lex Robinson: He's a bipolar loon that should be locked in a mental institution.
Steve Hebert: Well, yes, but he's also a nice fellow. And a damn fine referee!
Lex Robinson: We'll see about that later tonight, I guess. For now, we bare witness to Redmaine chopping Jeremiah Jihad down to one leg. He bounces off the ropes, springs back and heads for Jihad... running knee from Redmaine!
Steve Hebert: It doesn't take him down, though. He's still up!
Lex Robinson: I know. He's trying to rise, though. As a result, Redmaine grabs onto his head and appears to be trying to bulldog him. Jeremiah Jihad has other intentions, though.
Steve Hebert: Deicide has other intentions, too; as he hoists up one of Redmaine's fallen apprentices and hits him with the Law of Entropy! Lady Arwen does not look pleased!
Lex Robinson: Maybe they should have stayed in the back. Maybe Redmaine should have trained them harder.
Jeremiah Jihad blocks the bulldog. In fact, he hoists Redmaine up into a back-suplex position, only to sling him forward and drop him crotch-first across the top rope!
Steve Hebert: Oh no. How is Redmaine supposed to have babies with Lady Arwen, now?!
Lex Robinson: Ooof! Even I felt that.
Steve Hebert: You're telling me.
Grabbing onto Redmaine's skull, Jeremiah Jihad nails two straight headbutts, which almost knock him to the floor. It isn't until Jihad takes two steps back, charges forward and connects with a big boot that he is able to spill Redmaine to the outside!
Steve Hebert: At least Redmaine is free of being crotch, I guess. The bad news is he's now at the feet of Deicide Anthony Elverum.
Lex Robinson: Deicide actually lifts him up...
Steve Hebert: Don't put your hands on him, Elverum, you don't want your guy to get disqualified.
Before anything can happen, Lady Arwen rounds the corner and jumps on Deicide's back!
Lex Robinson: Lady Arwen out of nowhere! She jumps onto Deicide's back and is trying to choke him! She just saved Redmaine from persecution.
Deicide tries to fling her overhead, but fails. She continues to choke, scratch and claw him, driving him absolutely nuts. Seeing this, Jeremiah Jihad goes to reach outside and yank on her hair to pull her off.
Lex Robinson: Jihad is reaching out... but Redmaine is up. As Jihad's attention is swerved away, he reaches in and trips the big guy up! Not only that, but he takes his leg and slams it around the steel post!
Steve Hebert: See? He still has to work on that right leg.
Lex Robinson: As for Lady Arwen, she does a number on a surprised Deicide, but she is soon flung overhead and she lands on the floor. Upon seeing this, Redmaine turns around and targets Deicide, striking him with a stiff-forearm! Rolling back into the ring, he targets Jihad, stomping away at his right leg!
Steve Hebert: Why can't they just be friends?! Goddamn. Redmaine remains stomping and kicking on Jeremiah Jihad's tree trunk legs, too. Don't cripple him. God.
Lex Robinson: After placing Jihad's leg across the bottom rope, Redmaine uses the middle rope to push himself into the air. He comes crashing down across the ring, then walks into the corner and climbs to the top turnbuckle. If he lands this, it could be lights out, despite him not being known to be a high-flyer.
Steve Hebert: It'd take Jeremiah Jihad off-guard.
On the floor, Deicide picks up Lady Arwen, slaps her across the face, spits at her and decks her across the jaw. This, of course, garners the attention of an annoyed Redmaine, who stops himself on the top rope.
Steve Hebert: Oh God, Deicide, that may not have been a good idea.
Lex Robinson: Is that part of Redmaine's "Truth", Steve?
Steve Hebert: Don't you dare mock him. You can lay your hands on his shitty apprentices; but not on Lady Arwen. You speak like that again and he'll blow this entire goddamn arena up, Lex.
Deicide bringing Lady Arwen down is enough to distract Redmaine from the task at hand -- launching himself onto Jeremiah Jihad. As a result, Jihad is able to rise and stumble into the corner. In here, he uppercuts Deicide, crotching him on the top rope!
Lex Robinson: Jihad is able to take Redmaine by surprise!
Steve Hebert: Poor Lady Arwen. Maybe I should go help her.
Lex Robinson: Sit down, Steve. Mind your own business.
Steve Hebert: Typical Lex Robinson: advocating the beating of women.
Lex Robinson: I am not. I'm just saying that she got involved, so maybe she deserved it.
Steve Hebert: And now he's saying women deserve to be beaten and raped. And that the CBS reporter had it coming. You sicken me, Lex.
Lex Robinson: Oh my God, I didn't--...
As Lex tries to defend the misogyny allegations, Jeremiah Jihad drops Redmaine head-first onto the top turnbuckle, nailing the super brainbuster!
Lex Robinson: Orphanhood!
Steve Hebert: That's it. Jeremiah Jihad just made Redmaine 2 inches shorter. If he didn't suffer a broken neck, then color me surprised.
Lex Robinson: Jihad stands over a fallen Redmaine--...
Steve Hebert: That probably orphaned those poor apprentices, too. They're only now coming to their feet.
Lex Robinson: He places a foot on Redmaine's chest, while holding his hand in the air, getting jeers...
...1...2...!
Lex Robinson: One... two...!
An apprentice goes to slide into the ring, but he is cut-off by Deicide, who grabs his ankles and trips him up!
...3!
Lex Robinson: ...three! The match is over! Jeremiah Jihad has defeated Redmaine!
Steve Hebert: Can they shake hands and hug now?
Lex Robinson: Several more apprentices spill into the ring...!
Steve Hebert: Shit. I guess not.
They pile onto Jeremiah Jihad, but he pushes them all off! Deicide enters, as well. He kicks and stomps on Redmaine, while Jeremiah Jihad handles the apprentices.
Steve Hebert: Oh God, Redmaine's going to be pissed. Deicide Anthony Elverum can probably expect a bomb in the mail, next Christmas.
Lex Robinson: Jihad, Deicide's talent, is victorious. He holds his hand in the air and exits the ring, leaving Redmaine and his apprentices a beaten mess.
Steve Hebert: He's got his revenge for what happened at A Merry Christmas. That should be enough... I hope.
Lex Robinson: I dunno. After that beatdown, I'd be pissed, if I were Redmaine.
Steve Hebert: He just wasn't able to apply the Wings of Truth. Otherwise, things probably would have been entirely different. But then again, Jeremiah Jihad is one big motherfucker.
Looking smug, Deicide Anthony Elverum and Jeremiah Jihad retreat to the back, getting jeers from the fans. Lady Arwen, who is bruised beneath her mask, rolls into the ring to check on Redmaine, who sits up, disappointed with his loss.
Steve Hebert: At least Lady Arwen is okay. She's a supermodel under that mask, y'know.
Lex Robinson: I'm sure she is.
Several of Redmaine's apprentices circle around him and help him up. They carry him to the backstage area, making sure he doesn't have to use any of his energy to side, definitely fearful for Redmaine's reaction.
Winner: Jeremiah Jihad
...
Yup.
Walking up to Estelle Webb in the back, Bucky Gunts sneakily steps to her and pats her on the shoulder. Right away, she angrily swings around, expecting the worst, only to see the nerdy, needy dirtbag, Bucky Gunts stands before her. She snaps violently at him.
Estelle Webb: What?
Bucky Gunts: Ah'm, yes, ma'am. Heh heh...
Bucky blushes and grins.
Bucky Gunts: I just thought that with it being Valentine's Day and all, I would give you a present.
Estelle Webb: I don't want a present from you, faggot. Get lost.
Bucky Gunts: But--...
Reaching down the front of his pants, Bucky pulls out Estelle's own underwear.
Bucky Gunts: But I wanted to give you these. I, uh, I found them. I thought you'd appreciate it.
Appalled, Estelle Webb looks horrified.
Estelle Webb: What the hell? Get out of here, you motherfucking creep. Go bother someone else, you shithead.
Bucky Gunts: But... but...
She gives him a harsh push out the door, knocking him away. With her panties still in his hand, he clings on to them, sniffs and takes a whiff of the undergarments. Snapping his fingers, Bucky speaks out loud.
Bucky Gunts: Maybe Teresa will appreciate my gift!
He walks off, with panties in hand, and a big smile plastered across his face.
Steve Hebert: Sin Wrestling's original sinner, Xander Gates, is out here and he's getting linked in, Matrix-style.
Lex Robinson: That would mean he's getting that chain connected to his head. In this case, it's linking up to his wrist. He'll be taking on Lee Kemp, who has been a thorn in the side of Xander Gates, as of late.
Steve Hebert: And Xander will pluck that thorn, like... uh... look, I'm looking for a good metaphor here.
Lex Robinson: Anyhow...
Steve Hebert: Good idea.
"Idols and Anchors" by Parkway Drive plays from the PA and Lee Kemp wastes no time in getting to the ring, walking out from the backstage area. He slides on his stomach into the ring, under the bottom rope, and patiently waits for the match to begin.
Lex Robinson: Eyeing Xander Gates suspiciously, Lee Kemp is linked into the chain, as well.
Steve Hebert: Chain him up like a dog.
Lex Robinson: These two have been warring with each other these past few weeks and now it's at an all-time high. The rules of the match are simple, they will be chained together, unable to escape from the other. If you recall, it was just last month that Xander handcuffed Lee to the ropes and mercilessly smashed him with a steel chair, leaving him a bloodied mess.
Steve Hebert: Hey now, don't forget how Lee handcuffed Xander, making him lose out on a title chance! Of course, he got revenge for that, didn't he? He hung Lee Kemp by a chain, over the top rope, almost choking the life out of him. Wasn't that amazing?
Lex Robinson: Xander Gates is a madman. I'm surprised he hadn't done something like that long ago.
Finally linked together, Lee Kemp and Xander Gates stand across from each other and wait for the bell to ring.
Ding... ding... ding!
Lex Robinson: And there's the bell! Lee and Xander circle each other, looking for an opening. Xander would love to find a flaw in Lee's defense and catch him off-guard.
Steve Hebert: Damn right he would. He'd give anything to beat the life out of him.
The two men move in at each other, with Lee scrambling around Xander, applying a reverse-waistlock. Right away, Xander replies by nailing Lee Kemp in the face with some elbows.
Lex Robinson: Xander finds an opening from Lee Kemp's hold, squirms around and solidly punches Lee Kemp in the jaw, knocking him backwards. Lee, shrugging off the damage, fires back with a blow of his own!
Steve Hebert: They're pretty much starting things off by exchanging lefts and rights. Hell, Xander knees him, only to return to punching him. That's fine by me.
Lex Robinson: Having Lee backed against the ropes, Xander Gates offers a sharp chop across the chest and goes to whip him across the ring. However, Lee reverses the whip and sends Xander sprawling into the opposite set of ropes! Grabbing onto the chain, he holds it up and clotheslines Xander with it!
Steve Hebert: Aw, damnit!
Lex Robinson: Holding his face, Xander pops up, only to have Lee Kemp kick and stomp at him, knocking him into the corner. In here, Lee punches and chops away at Xander, lifts up the chain and begins slapping it across Xander Gates's ribcage!
Steve Hebert: Oh Jesus, oh Xander, no!
With the fans on their feet, Xander is whipped relentlessly. In pain, he scrambles to the floor and tries to get away, but Lee Kemp pulls on the chain, keeping him from getting away!
Steve Hebert: Argh! Xander cannot get anywhere! This is awful!
Lex Robinson: He's trapped! Lee Kemp continues battering him with the chain, while in the ring! In fact, he drags Xander back up onto the apron and knocks him off with a discus-punch to the jaw!
Steve Hebert: Xander collapses to the floor, in a rack of pain. My God, how awful. Lee Kemp isn't letting him relax, either. He's pulling Xander back up onto the ring apron and is wrapping that chain around his neck. Oh no, he's choking him!
Lex Robinson: That's revenge for what Xander Gates did to him!
Steve Hebert: What a petty bitch.
Lex Robinson: The fans are going nuts, cheering hard for Lee Kemp, who drags Xander back inside. Wrapping the chain around his fist, he corners Xander Gates...
In here, Lee pounds on Xander, busting his forehead open! The fans are overjoyed with the sight of the blood, which Lee licks off the chain.
Steve Hebert: That sick fuck! Who does he think he is: Edward Cullen?!
Lex Robinson: Xander Gates is a drippy, bloody mess. Showing no remorse, Lee Kemp wraps the chain around Xander's neck, chokes him without mercy and flings him across the ring.
Steve Hebert: Ugh. Poor Xander. He is forced to sit there and be choked by that madman.
Lex Robinson: That's the hate coming from Lee Kemp.
Steve Hebert: Don't worry. I hate him, too.
As Lee chokes Xander with the chain, Xander's face reddens and he oozes spit from his mouth, unable to breath. The only thing he can muster is to reach up, place his hand on Lee's head and slowly rise. A second later, he drops down, delivering a stunner to Lee, who releases his grip on Xander!
Steve Hebert: Finally! I thought he was going to kill Xander Gates. How awful would that have been?
Lex Robinson: He's had it coming, Steve. That lunatic has had it coming for a while.
Steve Hebert: You take that back. You take it back right now.
Lex Robinson: Slowly, Xander awkwardly rises, seeing Lee slump before him. Kicking and stomping on him, he wraps the chain around his own fist, straddles Lee's chest and begins punching the snot out of him!
Steve Hebert: And now Lee is busted open! Now that's what I like.
Sitting atop Lee Kemp's chest, Xander hammers away at his opponent, splitting him open even further. With his tongue wagging out of his mouth, Xander tosses some of Lee's blood into the air, making him look like an absolute madman.
Steve Hebert: Xander's showing no mercy. Smashing away at Lee's skull, he stands to his feet, wraps the chain around his neck and forces him up, choking the life out of him. Kill the fucker.
Lex Robinson: To make matters worse, Xander pulls Lee into him and back-suplexes him, dropping him hard on the mat!
Steve Hebert: He stays on him, though; wrapping that chain around his face, making him squirt blood. Getting back up, he nails a fistdrop to Lee's face not once, not twice, not even three times. He drops 4 straight chained-fists across his face, leaving him a bloody mess!
Lex Robinson: Things have taken a downward turn for Lee, who is helped up and backed into the corner with some fists and kicks. Grabbing on to Lee, he strangles him with the chain and flings him over the top rope, choking the life out of him!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Look at Lee dangling there, blue lips and red in the face from the crimson spilling down his face! Mmmm, sweet, tasty hemoglobin.
From inside the ring, Xander pulls back, adding extra pressure around Lee Kemp's throat! He squirms and yells out, until Xander can no longer pull the chain. Climbing over the top rope, Xander climbs out onto the apron, wraps the chain around his fist and drops down, delivering a chained-fist to Lee's temple!
Steve Hebert: Blasted yet again!
Lex Robinson: Dropping down on the floor, Xander lifts Lee up and blasts his face off the ring steps!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Drain him!
Lex Robinson: Xander Gates goes to whip Lee into the ring railing... but Lee reverses it by tugging on the chain! Instead, Xander Gates goes crashing into the railing, much to the happiness of the crowd.
Steve Hebert: Oh, goddamnit. Get up, Xander.
Lex Robinson: Punching away at Xander's face, Lee Kemp drags him facefirst across the ring railing, leaving bloodtrails across the top of it. They're working their way towards us, too.
Steve Hebert: Uh oh.
Whipping Xander Gates repeatedly, Lee Kemp makes him stumble towards the announcer's table. Grabbing him by the head, Lee smashes Xander's skull off the announcer's table, bloodying up all the files and equipment.
Steve Hebert: Xander Gates's blood is now all over my water bottle. Goddamnit. Knowing his time in Siberian prisons, I can safely say I'll never touch that bottle ever again. Unless I want hepatitis or something, of course.
Lex Robinson: We have blood here on our tables. It's disgusting, but we're gonna have to cope because they're still brawling in front of us. Lee steps back and charges towards Xander, but Xander steps aside amd Lee whirls past him! From behind, Xander kicks Lee between the legs and German suplexes him on the floor!
Steve Hebert: Yes! A nice reversal of fortune right here. Xander picks Lee up and rolls him back into the ring. He slides in after him and stands to his feet... only to have Lee Kemp pull up on the chain and crotch him! Oh, for Christ's sake!
On his knees, Lee wraps the chain around his hands and connects with an upward-singing douvle axehandle smash!
Lex Robinson: Homerun by Lee Kemp!
As Xander stumbles back, Lee suddenly jerks back on the chain, pulling Xander towards him, taking him down with a reverse Russian legsweep with the chain wrapped around his face!
Lex Robinson: Lee brings down Xander! He rolls onto him and makes a cover...!
Steve Hebert: Fuck...!
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...!
...!
Steve Hebert: Xander gets his shoulder up! Oh, thank motherfuck.
Pulling on the chain, lifting Xander to his feet, Lee goes to whip Xander into the ropes. Unlike before, it's Xander who reverses the whip attempt.
Lex Robinson: Xander stops himself from being thrown into the ropes. As Lee Kemp bounces back, Xander ducks down, going for a backdrop. Lee sunset-flips over him, with Xander struggling to stand...
Quickly wrapping the chain around his fist, Xander punches downward, aiming for Lee Kemp's face...
Lex Robinson: No! Lee moves out of the way and Xander smashes his fist into the canvas!
Steve Hebert: That may have broken his wrist! This is all your fault, Lex!
Lex Robinson: What the--...? How?!
Steve Hebert: It just is.
Wobbling around, holding his fist, Xander eyes Lee Kemp get up and charge at him. Thinking fast, Xander latches on to him and nails a sidewalk-slam onto Lee! He immediately hooks a leg.
Lex Robinson: Xander drops Lee down! The cover is being made!
...1...2...
Steve Hebert: One... two... count faster, damnit...
...!
Lex Robinson: Lee gets his foot on the bottom rope!
Steve Hebert: Fuck's sake. Those ropes just appeared out of thin air.
Lex Robinson: Obviously very angry, Xander slams his hand on the mat, injuring the fist he previously slammed into the canvas. Rising up, he adjusts his hand and waits for Lee to stand.
Steve Hebert: Here we go. It's serious business time.
Lex Robinson: Xander begins whipping Lee with that chain, almost like a dog. Wrapping the chain around his neck, Xander digs his knee into Lee's back and delivers a knee to the skull of Lee! Picking him up, Xander backs Lee into the corner and sits him on the top rope.
Steve Hebert: The downfall is right here. I can sense it.
Nailing an uppercut with his chain-wrapped fist, Xander steps back, watching the blood flow down Lee Kemp's face. He climbs up alongside Lee, smashes his face some more and appears to be going for a superplex.
Lex Robinson: Lee Kemp shoves Xander off the top rope! He goes spilling to the canvas!
Steve Hebert: Xander actually forcefully yanks Lee down with him! Stupid Lee Kemp goes smashing to the canvas, as well! Both of them are down and out.
Dripping with blood, both opponents are laid out on the canvas, taking their time to rise. Getting to their knees, they keep an eye on each other, trying to rise. The first to attack in Xander Gates, who pulls Lee into him, going for a suplex.
Lex Robinson: Xander has locked onto Lee, now. He hoists him upside-down, looking for a suplex. Wait... wait... Lee slips out behind him. He wraps the chain around Xander's face and is gonna go for a Russian legsweep...!
Steve Hebert: Hell no! Xander elbows him and goes for a short-arm clothesline, using the chain...!
Lex Robinson: Lee Kemp ducks it! He spins around, kicks Xander in the gut and goes for his Elevated DDT! But wait, Xander backs Lee into the corner and smashes him against the turnbuckles. Lee Kemp stumbles out into a kick from Xander Gates and is pulled into a Pedigree! His arms are double-underhooked...! No! Lee backdrops him, sending Xander overhead!
Steve Hebert: Goddamnit. Come off it, would ya? Jesus Christ. Get up, Xander.
Lex Robinson: Xander is getting up. He turns around... and walks into a kick to the gut from Lee Kemp. He pulls Xander in... and wraps the chain around his face. He wraps his arm around Xander's neck. Elevated DDT! He hits the Elevated DDT, with the chain wrapped around Gates's face!
Steve Hebert: Jesus Christ. It's over.
Lex Robinson: The cover is being made...
The referee drops down and makes the count.
...1...2...!
Lex Robinson: One... two...!
Steve Hebert: Ughhh...
...3!
Lex Robinson: ...Three!
Steve Hebert: Aw, fuck's sake. It's over.
Lex Robinson: Lee Kemp has defeated Xander Gates! After all the blood spilled, Lee Kemp walks out victorious.
Standing to his feet, Lee washes some of the blood out of his face, while the referee gets a key and disconnects him from the chain. Hopping to the floor, he walks around the ringside area, slapping the hands of several fans and stops to sign some autographs.
Steve Hebert: Look at that mooch. That schmuck. That suck-up. That sycophant.
Lex Robinson: He may be a little bloody, but hey, what the hell? Give the fans what they want.
Finished signing autographs, he walks to the back, getting cheered by the fans. As for Xander Gates, he sits up in the ring, sopping the blood off his face, into his own shirt. He goes to stand, wobbles a little and has the referee unclasp him from the chain.
Steve Hebert: God, Xander looks like shit.
Lex Robinson: For his own effort, it was a valiant effort... just not good enough.
Steve Hebert: Yuck.
Listening to the jeers, Xander stands silently in the ring, with a look of disdain on his face. Kicking the bottom ring rope, he jumps to the floor and walks to the back, obviously upset with his loss.
Winner: Lee Kemp
Jake Norton: Look, Teresa, I know you and I haven't seen eye-to-eye lately, but I know why... it's because you're lonely. I mean, I know all about your history and I realize I've been mean to you, so I'm going to make it up to you. Here you go.
He tries handing over the chocolates, but she doesn't take them.
Jake Norton: C'mon... take them, fatty.
Arching an eyebrow, Teresa snatches the flowers from Norton and smacks him with them, sending petals flying everywhere.
Teresa Quaranta: You piece of garbage. You referee my match properly. You don't screw around and you do things how they're supposed to go. No funny business and I promise I won't kick your skull off your shoulders.
With red rose petals on his head and shoulders, Jake Norton steps back and gazes at Teresa, picking some thorns out of his face.
Jake Norton: I promise nothing. Let's not forget you screwed me out of my World Title. You're lucky I'm a nice guy and I can forgive and forget.
Teresa Quaranta: These are the same words from the guy that cracked a crutch across my back.
Jake Norton: [acting coy and innocent] What? My arm slipped!
Teresa Quaranta: Yeah, right.
Jake Norton: Despite our relationship, I promise to referee the match to the best of my abilities... serious!
Taking a few steps away, Teresa keeps an eye on her rival.
Teresa Quaranta: I'm sure you will.
Jake Norton: Trust me! I'm a trustworthy guy!
Teresa heads to the entrance, while Jake re-adjusts his referee attire.
Guest Referee: Jake Norton
Lex Robinson: The angels aren't part of tonight's show, Teresa apparently citing mysterious budget cuts.
Steve Hebert: Dammit, they're my favorite part of the show.
Lex Robinson: You're going to have to deal with it.
The crowd roars out loud. However, before Teresa can make it to the ring, Estelle blindsides her from behind with a chop block, driving her to her knees. Estelle follows up with a series of random chops and kicks to Teresa's head.
Steve Hebert: Hey, whoa! we aren't wasting anytime here! This match that we're seeing now has been in the making since Teresa CAME to Sin Wrestling. The fans at home only saw Estelle on screen a handful of times, but everybody who works backstage has probably seen her getting abused in one way or another.
Lex Robinson: Sheesh. That no-good harlot, Estelle Webb, has attacked Teresa Quaranta, in a rush to get things started.
Steve Hebert: To be frank, who can blame her?
Lex Robinson: Whoa, whoa... Estelle goes for a leg lariat, but Teresa catches it and flings the girl into the barricade!
Steve Hebert: Estelle could become the youngest TV champion in our history... and I really hope she does it. I could probably suck on her titty.
Lex Robinson: You are a pig, Steve.
Steve Hebert: Damn right I am.
Teresa returns fire with a leg lariat of her own that sends
Estelle over the barricade and into the crowd.
Lex Robinson: You know more than anybody that I don't approve of what Teresa's said and done during 2010 -- and I don't even have a problem with trying to get payback -- but there's a way to go about it. Trust me, this is not the way. She's been full of bad attitude and cowardly attacks like this.
Estelle jumps onto the barricade and then dropkicks Teresa
into the aisle.
Steve Hebert: Well, on one hand, you're right. It may not be the niceest thing anybody has ever done. On the other hand, even with one of Teresa's rivals refereeing the match, Estelle is obviously going to need every advantage she can get here.
Just as he says it, Teresa staggers Estelle with a sidekick to the head, folds her up, and powerbombs her on the hard arena floor! Suddenly, A voice can be heard from the arena floor -
Jake Norton: That's not nice!
Lex Robinson: Speak of the devil, there he is, walking out from the backstage area, wearing his referee shirt.
Steve Hebert: Damn, he is one handsome referee. Best referee since Mills Lane.
Teresa ignores tonight's special referee and drags Estelle into the ring by one hand and the bell rings. Getting up, Estelle hammers a series of forearms into Teresa's chest, and the TV champion just stands there, absorbing the attacks with a very bored look on her face.
Lex Robinson: Estelle is trying to go all-out, but Teresa will have none of it. Absorbing the blows, she stands there, like the true warrior she is.
Steve Hebert: Finally realizing that standing up and slugging it out isn't going to work here, Estelle runs to the ropes, narrowly avoiding a spinning-backfist from Teresa, as she flies up, catching her with a full body press and knocking her to the mat! Oh shhh--...
At the last second, Teresa rolls backward, through the splash and holds Estelle in the air for a few seconds before spinning her out with a tilt a whirl backbreaker!
Lex Robinson: I'm not sure how I feel about Estelle Webb. On one hand, she's an underdog with so much heart. On the other hand, it's hard not to hate her for being a demented cunt.
Steve Hebert: Crazy in the head means crazy in the bed. Don't forget that, Lex.
Clearly not taking her apprentice seriously, Teresa presses her boot onto Estelle's chest as Norton ginglerly crawls over and very, very slowly counts the pinfall.
Lex Robinson: Here we go, here we go......1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...!...!
Steve Hebert: Hell no! She kicks out!
Teresa shakes her head and drags Estelle into the sitting position, takes a couple of steps backwards and kicks her in the small of the back. There's a loud crack, and the force of the blow is enough to send Estelle skidding a couple inches across the mat.
Steve Hebert: Damn, Lex, she skitched across the canvas like a dog rubbing its asshole off the floor.
Lex Robinson: Teresa leans back and hits her again... and a third time... and a fourth; each kick having the same result. Estelle shouts with each kick and Teresa sits behind her, wrapping her in a body scissors.
Steve Hebert: What a hot maneuver.
Estelle snarls and tries rolling back and forth out of the hold, but Teresa leans back on her palms, increasing the pressure.
Steve Hebert: On one hand, this is probably calculated to cause damage to Estelle's speed and agility over time. On the other hand, Teresa has thighs like a draft horse, so anything could happen here.
Lex Robinson: This could wear her down quite well...
Estelle puts her head in her hands for a second, before pushing forward and dragging herself to the ropes.
Lex Robinson: She's at the ropes, though...
Just as her hand brushes against the bottom rope, Teresa leans back further, gradually dragging her away from the rope. Estelle looks visibly frustrated, as Teresa pulls her towards the middle of the ring, compressing Estelle's midsection. Finally, Estelle hammers away at Teresa's knee, driving into it with her elbow again and again.
Steve Hebert: These elbows might find the escape she needs. However, Teresa stoically ignores the first few blows, but as the pain increases, she fires back, cuffing Estelle with a couple of punches to the temple. Goddamn.
Lex Robinson: But in doing this she loses her leverage, and Estelle manages to stay on point, escaping the bodyscissors and pouncing on top of Teresa, socking her right over the eye before hitting her with a rapidfire series of punches.
Estelle Webb presses Teresa's shoulder's to the mat.
Steve Hebert: She sneaks out a pinfall...!
Jake Norton moves into place and begins counting...
...1, 2...
Lex Robinson: Hey wait, that was a fast count! Luckily, Teresa kicks out.Steve Hebert: Great pinfall attempt by Jake Norton. I didn't notice any fast count, are you nuts, Lex?
Lex Robinson: Are you kidding me?
Estelle grabs Teresa's leg and holds it up, hammering kick after kick into the TV Champion's exposed hamstring before throwing the leg to the side at an awkward angle.
Lex Robinson: Estelle is just determined to walk about of here as the Television champion!
Steve Hebert: It's about more than just the title, Lex.
She wants to prove that she has a great future; that she's better
than that manly bitch, Teresa Quarantitties.
Estelle runs to the ropes and springs onto the middle rope, vaults off the top rope and flips backward, getting all kinds of elevation, landing hard onto Teresa's chest with a double stomp!
Steve Hebert: Shades of Teresa's own Divine Intervention moonsault! Estelle calls hers "Imitation Isn't Flattery"!
Lex Robinson: Didn't Stevie Swing do the same thing with one of Morgana's moves? It's like craven unoriginality on some massive, meta-scale.
Steve Hebert: Pffft.
As Teresa slowly rises, Estelle gets back up...
Lex Robinson: You know, Estelle's build reminds me of Morgana. I wonder if she's been watching old tapes for ideas on how to attack Teresa.
Steve Hebert: Probably not. Everything I've seen of Estelle makes me think she wants to make her own mark, which is a damn good thing.
Just then, Estelle flies off the top turnbuckle with a 450 splash! However, as she is in mid-air, Teresa springs up and catches her with a knee, square to the forehead of Estelle! The crowd erupts in cheers!
Lex Robinson: Yeah, that's working out great.
Steve Hebert: Oh, damnit. Estelle totally miscalculated that. She's out cold.
Lex Robinson: Teresa is going right back on the attack, too. She hammers Estelle with a forearm to the back, one after another. Lifting her up, she then gives Estelle Webb an Irish-Whip, sending Estelle careening across the ring. As she bounces back towards the middle of the ring, Teresa body checks her, crashing her down to the canvas. She picks Estelle up a second time, whipping her into the ropes, and checks her again, this time leading with her shoulder.
Steve Hebert: Goddamnit. She floors Estelle again. How awful.
Estelle staggers back up, clutching her chest, while Jake Norton watches. Teresa stays on top of things, grabbing her by the head and pulling her into a ring-rattling vertical suplex.
Lex Robinson: What a suplex by Teresa Quaranta! She floats over, making a cover...
............1............2............
Steve Hebert: One... two... what a fast-count!
Lex Robinson: Uh, no. He's taking forever! What a slow count by Jake Norton!
Steve Hebert: Hell no. Not by my calculations. That was way too quick.
Lex Robinson: Teresa is absolutely enraged. To be frank, I don't blame her.
Steve Hebert: It was a fair count, Lex. Sheesh.
Estelle Webb slowly presses up on her palms. Teresa smiles, despite herself and glares angrily at Jake Norton, who shrugs his shoulders.
Steve Hebert: He's an innocent man.
Pulling Estelle to her feet, driving her into the corner with a few front kicks to the body, Teresa slaps Estelle twice, then lands a twisting kick to the stomach.
Lex Robinson: Down goes Estelle Webb. Teresa is able to place a foot over her chest, points at Jake Norton and demands he make the cover...
Slowly, Jake Norton drops down and starts the count...
.........1.........2.........
Lex Robinson: Goddamnit, Jake Norton, finish the count! Or move faster, or something. This isn't fair to Teresa.
Steve Hebert: You can't say that; he may have tweaked something!
Lex Robinson: Teresa pulls off Estelle, yells at Jake Norton and places her foot across her chest again.
Steve Hebert: Just watch. It'll be another good count.
.........1.........
Lex Robinson: There's one... and... and...
.........2.........
Steve Hebert: There's two!
Lex Robinson: Yeah, finally.
.........
Steve Hebert: Estelle Webb kicks out! Wow! Amazing, hey, Lex?!
Lex Robinson: Ugh. Are you kidding me?
Steve Hebert: What?! It was close!
Teresa finally gives it up, grabs Estelle by the hair, lifts her up, marches her to the center of the ring and places her between her legs, going for a powerbomb.
Lex Robinson: Teresa has Estelle lifted up onto her shoulder...
Steve Hebert: No! Estelle is rolling back, looking for a hurricanrana!
Lex Robinson: It's stopped! Teresa Quaranta has her held-upside down! In fact, Teresa steps over Estelle Webb's arms and then pancakes her to the canvas! She rolls over, making the pinfall, with Estelle's arms trapped to the canvas.
Steve Hebert: Uh oh...
Jake Norton meanders around, looking for a good spot to make a cover. Dusting off a spot, he finally drops down.
Steve Hebert: The count is being made!
.........1.........2.........!
Steve Hebert: Estelle kicks out!
Lex Robinson: Well, of course she did. It took Norton hours to make the count.
Estelle rolls to her feet, pushing Teresa away from her. Within seconds, though, Teresa drags her a couple steps towards the corner before leveling her with a kick to the chest. She pulls Estelle's leg up, tucking her head and knocking her down with a Fisherman's Suplex Buster!
Steve Hebert: Ugh, Norton step in there. Estelle Webb was just dropped on the back of her head and neck. That wasn't good.
Lex Robinson: He needs to stay out of things.
Steve Hebert: But he's the referee! Perhaps the best referee we've ever had.
With Estelle woozy, Teresa goes to the top rope and comes off with a leg drop-...
Steve Hebert: Estelle Webb rolls out of the goddamn way! Thank fuckerfuck.
Lex Robinson: Teresa crashes onto the canvas! Estelle punches away on Teresa, like WAR PORK punching a roast! She throws Teresa into the ropes and comes off with a dropkick, knocking her down. Estelle grabs Teresa a second time, whips her into the ropes and knocking her down with a clothesline! Heck, she pulls Teresa up for a third time, knocking her into the ropes. As a result, Teresa stumbles back, but this time finds her arms tied between the second and third rope.
Steve Hebert: She's all tied-up; like some sort of sexcapade gone wrong.
Lex Robinson: Estelle gleefully pounces, raking her across the eyes and hammering her with blow-after-blow to the the face.
Steve Hebert: Aw, man, I bet Estelle has wet panties now. Now look at Jake Norton, moving in there, trying to restore order. I told you he's a great referee, Lex.
The fans let out a jeer.
Steve Hebert: Jake Norton is clearly trying to get Teresa out of this predicament, and these ungrateful people are booing him.
Lex Robinson: Actually, Norton's obviously tightening the ropes to keep Teresa from stomping Estelle's face in! This absolutely sucks!
Finally, Norton tells Estelle to break the hold and begins to count.
...1.........2.........3.........4.........
Lex Robinson: Uh, it's time to end this, Norton. C'mon.
Steve Hebert: Hey, he's counting. He's being nice. He's a swell dude.
Estelle hammers away, punching at Teresa until the last possible moment. She comes off the ropes, looking to give Teresa a big clothesline... but only gets a kick to the face for her trouble!
Lex Robinson: Boom! Kick to the face from Teresa Quaranta!
Steve Hebert: ...Shit.
Lex Robinson: Exhausted, Estelle crumples into a ball, as Teresa smiles at the crowd, despite still being stuck in the ropes. She squats down, increases the pressure on her shoulders and springs up, flipping over the ropes and untwisting them at the same time! She lands on the apron and soaks in the applause of the crowd, while Norton watches, scowling.
Steve Hebert: Because they should be cheering for him; not for some dirty Mexican whore.
As Estelle rises, Teresa slingshots herself back into the ring and catches Estelle on her way down, nailing a double-underarm DDT! She rolls onto her, making the cover, whilst hooking a leg.
Lex Robinson: Teresa covers Estelle, while leaning into her with her shin! Count, Norton, for Christ's sake!
.........1.........
Steve Hebert: Estelle kicks out again.
Lex Robinson: Another slow as molasses count from Jake Norton. This is atrocious.
Steve Hebert: It's only a two. This Estelle Webb girl is a monster. I bet she likes to fuck.
Lex Robinson: Oh, please.
Teresa picks Estelle up by the hair and lifts her on her shoulders, hooking her chin and leg as she stretches her in a Torture Rack. Estelle yelps and tries to struggle out of the hold, but Teresa ignores it, hops up and down, while making firm eye contact with Jake Norton.
Lex Robinson: If Norton isn't going to make the count; then by god, she's going to force Estelle Webb to tap out!Steve Hebert: Oh no...
The crowd roars, thinking she's found a foolproof way to counter Norton's interference and skull-duggery.
Lex Robinson: There's no way to ignore a tapout in the middle of the ring, is there?
Estelle weakens, and finally Norton rushes forward to check the hold. By a "magical" coincidence, he runs right into Estelle's outstretched leg -- the devastating knee to the lazy eye sends Norton staggering backwards into the corner, covering his face!
Steve Hebert: Uh oh. That was bad.
Lex Robinson: Are you serious?
The crowd moans as Estelle, not noticing or caring about the referee, taps out on Teresa's shoulder.
Lex Robinson: She's tapping out!
Steve Hebert: Nuh uh! She is not. I see nothing; nor does Jake Norton, who is still out on the canvas.
Lex Robinson: Ridiculous. This is asinine.
Teresa frowns before throwing Estelle to the canvas, stepping on her on the way to confront Norton. She picks Norton up by the neck and slings him into the corner, shouting all kinds of obscenities in his direction.
Steve Hebert: Teresa's roid rage is kicking in. I always knew she was shooting up HGH. She'd better relax before one of the veins in her neck explodes and she coats this ring in horse cum.
Lex Robinson: Will you stop?! There's no veins anywhere. Teresa's very good looking, in fact, I'd say she's the most attractive woman on this roster -...
Steve Hebert: Oh, are you hoping for death by Snu-Snu or something? Pretty sure she's some kind of a dyke, so just let it go, faggot.
As Teresa and Norton are arguing, Estelle recovers and jumps on Teresa's shoulders, pulling her towards the middle of the ring and bringing back both shoulders with a flying armbar! Teresa staggers and sinks to her knees, clearly in the most pain she's been all night.
Steve Hebert: Estelle Webb, who got here by defeating Bucky Gunts, places Teresa in an armbar!
Lex Robinson: That's the Cruelty's Heart! Teresa doesn't even use this move anymore -- probably due to the damage it does to opponents! To this date, Stevie Swing is the only person to escape this hold without suffering a major injury-...
Steve Hebert: Well Estelle has no such compunctions! New TV Champion on the way!
Teresa lets out a scream as Estelle wrenches the hold and laughs, sensing victory mere moments away. Norton watches this with concern, asking Teresa if she gives up, as he gets to his feet. Teresa backs up as fast she she can, though, and rams Estelle into the turnbuckle!
Steve Hebert: Oh, crap!
Lex Robinson: Now that's how you get a release.
The challenger releases the hold and sinks into the corner. Teresa is on her, screeching like a banshee and hammering her with BRUTAL closed-fist shots that quickly send blood rushing down Estelle's forehead.
Lex Robinson: Oh my god, the shit just got real. I don't think Teresa's ever lost her temper this much in a fight before.
Steve Hebert: She is redder than her PMS blood, Lex. Jesus Christ, she is manpunching that poor girl.
Norton is still recovering from shock and finally tells Teresa
to stop with the closed fists. Teresa shoves Norton back and hits
Estelle again, and finally Norton makes a count - Teresa just
barely breaks as Estelle slumps to the corner, bloody and
exhausted.
Lex Robinson: I guess I can understand it: trying to beat your mentor with her own secret instant-death Move is kind of a no-no in the world of kung-fu and pro fighting.
Steve Hebert: Should have just went with the simple, but effective, cunt punch.
Teresa grabs Estelle by the throat and backslaps her, then throws her into the ropes
Lex Robinson: OH MY GOD! Spinning roundhouse kick! Let's not forget that she beat Chelsea Pryce with that move and almost gave her a concussion! And Estelle looks out of it!
Steve Hebert: Ugh, Estelle Webb's eyes are open, but they look extremely glassy and unfocused. Teresa puts her hands on her hips with a bit of a pitying expression before she covers her and hooks the leg! Oh no...
Lex Robinson: Norton better make the count...
As a matter of fact, Norton's count is GLACIALLY slow.
.........1.........2.........
Steve Hebert: She kicks out! Thank the heavens. Thank Norton.
Lex Robinson: Absolutely awful. This is sheer ridiculousness.
Steve Hebert: No way. She just barely beat the count. You saw it.
An annoyed Teresa Quaranta pulls Estelle Webb up to her knees. In defense, Estelle throw her arms back and throws a couple of weak looking punches to Teresa's midsection.
Lex Robinson: Teresa shrugs those blows off and Estelle rises to her feet, throwing a discus forearm that knocks the Television Champ back a step, but doesn't exactly look painful. However, Teresa winds back, going for a back-fist...
Steve Hebert: Estelle ducks it! She shoves Teresa into the ropes and bends down for a backdrop--... no! Teresa comes back and hooks Estelle's extended arms, pulling her into a Butterfly Stretch. Oh God no, not this... anything but this...
Estelle groans as Teresa pulls up her body, tightening the hold before throwing her -- hitting the Process of Illumination!
Lex Robinson: There it is!
With Estelle finally out of things, Teresa makes the cover -
..................!
Lex Robinson: Make the count! What the hell?!
Teresa pulls Estelle up and looks around, only to find that Jake Norton has been laid out, due to accidentally getting hit with Estelle's body on the way down! The TV champion sighs with exhaustion.
Steve Hebert: Norton is out! It's not his fault! Don't blame him!
Lex Robinson: There's another referee coming out! He slides inside, replacing Jake Norton...
The man in stripes pulls a delicious White Castle sandwich out of his pocket and slowly eats it within full view of the packed crowd, savoring each delicious bite of beef, mustard, and pickles. He then slides in the ring, and Teresa rolls her eyes and makes the cover.
Lex Robinson: Finally! Here we go!Steve Hebert: What a tasty sammich.
...1...2...!
Lex Robinson: One... two...!
...!
Steve Hebert: She kicks out! Oh, thank the Jesus!
The crowd groans in shock and disappointment as Estelle manages to survive. Teresa stands up and takes a breath as Estelle slowly crawls to her feet, soaked in blood. Teresa casually doubles her over with a kick to the chest before locking in another Butterfly Stretch and throwing Estelle backwards again, hitting a second Process of Illumination. TQ makes the cover.
Lex Robinson: She hit hers move for the second time! She makes the cover!Steve Hebert: Oh no...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: There's one... and two... and......!
Lex Robinson: No! Jake Norton is up and he's stopping the referee! In fact, he's tossing the new referee to the floor!
Steve Hebert: Good! He's the referee, not that other fat schlub.
Turning around, Jake Norton reluctantly drops down to his knees and makes the cover.
......1......2......!
Lex Robinson: One... two...
Steve Hebert: Kickout! Estelle kicks out!
Lex Robinson: Yet another massively slow count. Goddamnit.
Aggravated, Teresa Quaranta storms to her feet and gets in Jake Norton's face, jawing with him. Balling up her fists, she threatens him with violence; but he reminds her that he can't touch her.
Steve Hebert: She can't touch him! If she does, she's disqualified!
Lex Robinson: She may as well take it and retain her title, but she has too much pride for that. I don't blame her one bit.
Steve Hebert: Get out of his face, you old cunt. She's the worst. What a terrible shitbag. Go hop in a bathtub with Chris Extreme again.
Lex Robinson: The worst thing about all of this is the fact that Estelle Webb has gotten back up to her feet. In a daze, she stumbles up behind Teresa and clubs her across the back of her skull with a high-knee! Oh no, she rolls Teresa up with a schoolboy and sits atop her legs!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Keep her down! Jake Norton, count her down!
Seeing Teresa rolled up, Jake Norton drops down, making the count...
...1, 2...
Lex Robinson: Wait, fast count...!
...3!
Lex Robinson: Fast count! No!
Steve Hebert: She does it! Estelle Webb has done it! Holy crap yes! Way to go, Estelle! Great refereeing by Jake Norton. Stand up and applaud, Lex.
Lex Robinson: Teresa Quaranta was screwed. She kicks out just as the three is made and gets to her feet, looking shocked.
Watching Estelle Webb receiving the title and instantly sliding to the floor, Teresa's jaw drops open, shocked silly. Estelle quickly exits to the back, not wanting to stay around, while Teresa Quaranta watches a smirking Jake Norton stand before her.
Lex Robinson: This is sickening.
Steve Hebert: Thank fuck that title is finally off that sleazebag, Teresa Quaranta. All thanks to Jake Norton, our wonderful refere--..e...!
Enraged, Teresa slowly takes Norton's hand, shaking it briskly, before kicking him in his bum knee!
Steve Hebert: Hey! No!
Lex Robinson: The fans jump to their feet, laughing with glee! Norton collapses to the ground, as Teresa begins violently pounding on him! The crowd is going insane!
Steve Hebert: This is awful! An unprovoked attacked on a Sin Wrestling official. She should be fined for this!
Lex Robinson: I'm sure she'll gladly take the monetary fine.
Steve Hebert: Ugh.
Leaving Jake Norton grounded and in pain, Teresa stands to her feet and goes into the corner, where she holds her arms into the air, getting a grand ovation. She heads to the back, leaving Jake Norton in a world of hurt.
Winner: Estelle Webb
Christ Carson: It ends between you and I tonight, Extreme. It takes a monster to face a monster. Tonight, I will end you once and for all.
Balling his hand into a fist, he punches the mirror, forcing it to shatter into pieces. The camera fades out, showing him holding his fist, which is now dripping with blood.
Lex Robinson: What are they doing out here? Horatio Q. and his merry band of retards don't belong out here.
Steve Hebert: They have a right to be out here, Lex. They're free to be wherever they damn well please. Plus they can support Stevie Swing up close and personal.
Lex Robinson: After everyting in 2010, I can't believe she has seemingly re-aligned herself with them. It's damn well sickening.
Steve Hebert: Hey, when it comes to the World Title gold, sometimes you'd even kill your own mother to a chance at capturing it. Trust me, I would kill my own mother for it. I would wrangle her goddamn throat, kick her in the cunt and toss her into an alley. Please let me do it. Oh god, let me do it.
Lex Robinson: ...Are you going to be okay, Steve?
Steve Hebert: Maybe.
Lex Robinson: In that case, get T-Mill, the World Champion, out here right now!
Like a demon rising from the depths of hell, Travis Miller rises from below the stage to the tune of Arch's Enemy's "We Will Rise". Clad in nearly all black, a mesh shirt, slacks, and new balance sneakers, Travis appears from nowhere, angry, upset and determined. He has his World Title around his waist, showing it off, happily. A flash of fireworks explode in the distance, and smoke fills up the ramp where Travis stands. As the lryics kick in, he makes his approach to the ring.
Stepping through the fog, he marches to the ringside area, with the fans in a frenzy. Keeping his eyes on the Department of H.A.R.M., he makes his way down and rolls into the ring, ready for action. Rising to his feet, he pulls off his World Title, holds it in the air and gets a grand ovation from the raucous crowd.
Steve Hebert: Booo! Douchebag alert!
Lex Robinson: The fans are on their feet, cheering for the World Champion. There's one thing for certain: if he wants to come out victorious, he's going to need eyes in the back of his head. How ironic that it was Stevie promising to watch Miller's back just last month, when he won that title, only to turn against him and end up in this situation, allying with those buffoons.
Steve Hebert: Have some respect, Lex. You're beginning to sounce worse than... say... me.
Lex Robinson: They're just such a detestable bunch.
Handing over the World Title to the referee, Travis Miller steps into the corner and waits for the bell to ring. Once he turns around, he starts to see Stevie run towards him, but she stops upon seeing he is now facing her.
Lex Robinson: Stevie, showing just how brave she is, stops in her tracks.
Steve Hebert: Hey, it was worth a shot, right?
Lex Robinson: Unfortunately, it ended in failure, as Travis Miller is now steadily going after her. Seeing this, Stevie escapes to the outside, joining the Department of H.A.R.M. on the floor. However, Travis is showing no fear and is going after her!
Steve Hebert: Oh no...
Lex Robinson: Hopping to the outside, Travis goes after Stevie, who circles around the nearest ringpost and grabs Horatio Q., who is in his wheelchair. Oh God, she's using him as a shield!
Steve Hebert: Travis wouldn't hurt a cripple, would he?
Answering Steve's question, Miller steps forward and shoves Horatio Q. over.
Steve Hebert: That son of a bitch!
Seeing Travis topple Horatio over, Stevie goes to get back inside, resulting in WAR PORK moving in and trying to take out Travis, in response to Travis Miller's attack. Right away, WAR PORK charges at Miller...!
Lex Robinson: Hey, wait a second. Here comes WAR PORK. He's not supposed to be involved in this match.
Steve Hebert: He put his hands on Horatio Q.! He has it coming!
Lex Robinson: Travis steps out of the way! WAR PORK crashes into the steel ring post!
Steve Hebert: Ack! Oh God, he nearly shifted the entire ring.
Lex Robinson: Turning around, WAR PORK stumbles into punches from Travis Miller, who then scoops him up and bodyslams WAR PORK on the cold, hard floor! Wow!
Steve Hebert: Holy shit! That's like... 10,000 pounds he just slammed! Oh my God, how did that fat fucker not go through the floor?! Travis Miller may have broken his back. Oh God, at least WAR PORK did something useful.
Lex Robinson: What a slam! The fans are on their feet, chanting for Miller!
Steve Hebert: Too bad he didn't slam that bulbous fatty on them.
Lex Robinosn: Here comes Stevie Swing, from inside of the ring...!
Performing a suicide dive between the ropes, she goes headlong to the floor, grabs onto Travis's own head and brings him down with a Tornado DDT onto the hard floor!
Lex Robinson: Like a britzkrieg, Stevie Swing strikes out of nowhere!
Steve Hebert: Good! She brings that bald-headed douchebag down onto his skull! Jumping back up, she goes on the attack, kicking and stomping at him. Pulling him up, she whips him into the steel post, giving him an example of what ol' War Porky felt. Poor bugger. Poor Horatio, too. He's just now being helped up by Generic Heel and CAPS LOCK. He's all dirty, too. Dust him off, Generic Heel.
Lex Robinson: Whimpering in pain, Travis Miller lays across the post, while Stevie retracts on the floor. She points to the ground, prompting CAPS LOCK to bumble over and kneel in between her and Travis. What are they up to?
Steve Hebert: I think I know...
Like a rocket, Stevie sprints towards Travis and springboards off CAPS LOCK's back, sending herself through the air!
Lex Robinson: Whoa, she's headed towards Travis...
Steve Hebert: He moves! Goddamnit, he moves! Stevie crashes into that post!
Lex Robinson: Not only that, but he punts CAPS LOCK in the head, keeping him down and out! Only Generic Heel is left standing. When Travis Miller turns to him, he quickly backs down, stepping back from him, holding his hands up, as if he has no problems with him.
Steve Hebert: Goddamnit, Generic Heel, man up and stop being such a woman.
Turning back to Stevie, Travis Miller lifts her up and rolls her into the ring. Climbing onto the apron, he gets back inside and focuses on her. Lifting her up, he pounds away on her back, whips her into the ropes and catches her upon the rebound with a huge flapjack!
Steve Hebert: Oh no, Stevie is planted face-first into the canvas. It's not good.
Lex Robinson: She rolls around, holding her face, in pain, too. Unfortunately for her, Travis is giving her 0 time to record. He's immediately back on the attack, applying a Boston Crab to her.
Steve Hebert: God, how awful. Stevie is in pain, desperately trying to get out of that hold. She's reaching out for the bottom rope. If only she were a little closer...
Lex Robinson: Travis is pulling back, trying to force a submission. Stevie, on the other hand, is reaching out, trying to crawl towards the ropes to put an end to this submission attempt...
Steve Hebert: Come on, you sexy cat, just a little closer...!
Lex Robinson: Her paws are reaching out, she's almost there...
With the pain soaring through her body, Stevie is finally able to reach out and cling onto the bottom rope, like a cat clinging to its scratching post.
Steve Hebert: Finally! Move in, ref, and stop this, right now.
Lex Robinson: The referee moves in, tapping Travis Miller on the shoulder. At first, Travis thinks he has won the match and raises his arms in the air. It isn't until the referee tells Travis the difference that he brings his arms down, too.
Steve Hebert: That goddamn dolt. Open your eyes, idiot, you haven't won shit. You're not beating Stevie Swing as easily as that. She's the best damn kitty in the world.
When Travis is informed of the reality of the situation, he turns around and goes back to Stevie, attempting to pick her up. However, she is as quick as a cat and strikes him with a kneeling side-kick to the crotch that knocks him back, much to the disdain of the crowd.
Lex Robinson: Fighting Travis off, Stevie springs to her feet and delivers a flurry of punches and forearms to Travis's face, ending with her nailing a spinning back-fist!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Give him a good punch! That'll do it.
Lex Robinson: Travis holds his face and stumbles back, hunched over. This allows for Stevie to charge towards the ropes that are in front of Miller. Jumping onto the middle rope, she springs back and nails a flying Yakuza Kick! Goddamn, that boot caught him square in the face!
Steve Hebert: Furthermore, it dropped him like a giant sack of shit, which he is!
Lex Robinson: Again, she springboards off the ropes and connects with a moonsault! She hooks his leg, going for the cover...!
...1...2...!
Steve Hebert: Damnit, he kicks out at two! Not fair.
Lex Robinson: Annoyed at the lack of a pinfall, Stevie claws at his face, side-headlocks him and begins hammering him with some punches. Hoping to wear him down, she keeps him held in this position, trying to wear him down.
Steve Hebert: This oughta work.
With the hold applied, Travis begins to stir, using the cheers from the fans to give him strength. Much to the dismay of Stevie Swing, he gets back up, having her hold tightly onto his neck, refusing to let go.
Lex Robinson: Travis has fought to his feet, with Stevie not letting go, clinging on to him like a tick.
Steve Hebert: This is worse than the time Stevie had to wear a flea collar.
Lex Robinson: Travis hoists her up, looking to pluck her off him, but she holds on and rolls through it, bringing him down with a rolling side-headlock. However, Travis also rolls through and they goth get up, still with Stevie holding on to the headlock. This time, Travis hoists her up again; and she decides to backflip over his shoulder, landing safely behind him!
Steve Hebert: Thankfully WAR PORK and Horatio are now getting up. As for CAPS LOCK, he remains out cold. How pitiful.
Lex Robinson: From behind, Stevie waistlocks Travis and pushes him towards the ropes, going for the O'Connor Roll...!
Steve Hebert: That idiot, Travis Miller, hangs on! Stevie rolls backward, getting up to her feet...
Lex Robinson: Superkick! Just as Stevie stands, Travis turns around and superkicks her, nearly knocking her head off!
Steve Hebert: That thieving prick! That's Stevie's move!
Lex Robinson: Dropping down, Travis makes the cover!
The referee counts...!
...1...2...!
Lex Robinson: One... two...!
...!
Steve Hebert: Stevie kicks out! She stops that! Thank God!
Lex Robinson: So close for Travis. Nonetheless, he picks her back up, gives her some forearms and holds her close, going for a vertical suplex. He has her up... and up... and... up...
Steve Hebert: He's had her held high in the air for a good 30 seconds now! 35 seconds... 40... what the hell?!
Lex Robinson: He's had her up for a good minute, now!
After over a minute of having her suspended upside-down, Travis drops back, delivering a thunderous vertical suplex!
Lex Robinson: Wow! What a display of strength from Travis Miller!
Steve Hebert: Oh, how awful. Her brains are probably rattled now. Ugh.
Rolling across Stevie, Travis places his forearm across her jaw, holding her down, while he makes the cover.
Lex Robinson: The cover is being made! The referee is making the count...
...1...2...!
Steve Hebert: Oh no...!
...!
Lex Robinson: No! Stevie Swing is able to kickout!
Steve Hebert: Phew. That's good news.
Lex Robinson: An annoyed Travis Miller gets to his feet, taking Stevie up with him. Immediately placing her into a double-underhook position, he hoists her up into the air and brings her down with the double-underhook powerbomb! Grabbing onto her ankles, it appears he's going for the second Boston Crab of the evening!
Steve Hebert: Oh no, roll away, Stevie. At least the H.A.R.M. is cheering for her... well, except for CAPS LOCK, who is still unconconscious, surely having sweet dreams.
Thinking fast, Stevie quickly rolls to her right, spinning her way out of the attempted Boston Crab. This allows her to jump up and nail a leaping enziguiri in a last-ditch effort to defend herself!
Steve Hebert: Pow! There! Now that's more like it! Travis crumples to a heap and Stevie... well, Stevie is hurting, but she's trying to rise.
Lex Robinson: Using the ropes to stand, she turns around and views Travis Miller on his knees, holding the back of his skull. Wasting little time, she bounces off the ropes behind the World Champ and storms back, nailing a sit-down dropkick to the back of his head, sending him falling face-first to the canvas!
Steve Hebert: Horatio, WAR PORK and Generic Heel look happy to see that. Generic Heel even gives Stevie a thumbs-up, which she ignores. She should have given a thumbs-up back to him, but what're you gonna do?
Lex Robinson: Going on the attack, Stevie hops on Travis from behind, digging her knee into his back. Applying a rear-chinlock, she pulls back on his head, while pummelling him with some, uh, cat-fists!
After nailing Miller with shots, Stevie ducks down to his legs, ties his legs up with her own, reaches forward and applies a surfboard submission! Pulling him back, she stretches him out, while applying a Dragon Sleeper!
Lex Robinson: Stevie Swing almost have Travis bent in half!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Make him tap! Reclaim your gold, Steve!
Travis Miller's arms flaily wildly, trying to keep afloat.
Steve Hebert: The more he squirms, the tighter Stevie seems to lock on the hold. She's going to do it!
The referee moves in, checking on Miller. He lifts his left arm up...!
Steve Hebert: C'mon...!
It falls...!
Steve Hebert: Yes!
He holds her arm up a second time...
Lex Robinson: This is going to be close...
It falls...!
Steve Hebert: Yes, yes! Look at Horatio cheer Stevie on.
Lex Robinson: He just wants her to bring that World Title to him.
The referee holds up Travis's hand for a third time...
...
Lex Robinson: This is it...!
It begins to drop...!
Lex Robinson: ...It's...
...only to have him pop it back up, at the last second!
Lex Robinson: No! He's up! Stevie can't believe it!
Steve Hebert: What?! I can't believe it, either! What the fuck?
Lex Robinson: Aggravated, Stevie Swing releases the hold on Travis Miller, rises to her feet and begins stomping on him. Stevie drags Travis into the corner, stomps on him some more and turns towards the corner. She's now making her way up to the top turnbuckle.
Steve Hebert: Good. Finish that douchebag off.
Lex Robinson: She goes for the Hello Kitty Leg Drop...!
Steve Hebert: Ultra-Kawaii!
Lex Robinson: No! Travis Miller rolls out of the way! She lands on her rear-end!
Steve Hebert: Oh, goddamnit!
They both take some time to rise, with The Department of H.A.R.M. members, Horatio, WAR PORK and CAPS LOCK cheering Stevie on. As for Travis, he rises with the fans firmly in his corner.
Lex Robinson: They're slowly rising, both of them in pain. They step up to each other... but Stevie is the first to attack, as she nails Travis with a stiff-forearm! Bouncing off the ropes, she returns... only to jump on Travis and apply a guillotine-chokehold/bodyscissors combination! Will this be it?
Steve Hebert: Now this better work. I swear to God...
Lex Robinson: Retaliating, Travis fires some fists into Stevie's ribcage, loosening her grip, as he stands on his two feet, having her hold on to him. Using a sudden surge in energy, he is able to whip her up and release her from him! She soars through the air, does a complete 360 and lands on her feet! Wow! Catlike reflexes!
Steve Hebert: I told you. She is a damn cat!
Lex Robinson: Just as she lands, Travis swings at her, attempting a clothesline. She ducks beneath it and kicks him in his right kneecap! She grabs on to that leg, attempting to trip him down, but he maintains his balance by swatting her in the head! She bounces off the ropes...
At full-speed, Stevie comes roaring back, hoping to bring Travis down. She performs a crossbody at him, only to end up caught in mid-air!
Lex Robinson: He catches her! In fact, he's pressing her above his head! He's going for The Epiphany!
Steve Hebert: No! This is not supposed to happen!
Pressed into the air, Stevie begins to worm and wiggle, eventually allowing herself to slip onto Miller's shoulders, sitting on his neck.
Steve Hebert: She's out!
Lex Robinson: Reverse hurricanrana! She drops Travis Miller headfirst into the canvas! Holy crap!
Steve Hebert: Good! Cover him, Stevie!
Stevie crawls across the ring and places her arm across Travis Miller's chest, officially covering.
Steve Hebert: This is it! The match is over...!
The count is made...
...1...!
Lex Robinson: One...!
...2...!
Lex Robinson: Two...!
...!
Lex Robinson: Travis kicks out!
Steve Hebert: You've gotta be joking! Son of a bitch.
Shouting obscenities and racial epithets at the referee, Stevie slams her hands off the canvas, demanding a faster count. Getting to her feet, she kicks the bottom rope, obviously frustrated about the lack of a pinfall.
Steve Hebert: Look at Stevie flip out. That referee should have counted faster. I'm pretty sure it was a three. How about hurrying your goddamn count up, hey? Jesus Christ, how ridiculous.
Lex Robinson: She turns her attention back to Miller, stomps and kicks him some more and connects with a seated-dropkick, driving him to the floor. As soon as she lands, she -- wouldn't you know it -- grabs the referee and gives him a talking to.
Steve Hebert: No doubt informing him to count faster from now on. No more silly stuff.
Lex Robinson: Actually, Steve, she's using this to distract the referee, while Horatio Q. instructs WAR PORK to attack!
Steve Hebert: Ohs. Even better!
Lex Robinson: Awful.
Steve Hebert: Look at Porky. He kicks Miller down, stomps on him... and splashes onto him, on the floor! Good job!
Lex Robinson: That big blob lands on Travis Miller! Oh my God, that had to break some ribs. This is not good. Holy Christ, pay attention, referee. Stop listening to that insufferable Stevie Swing and turn your attention to the outside!
Steve Hebert: Stevie has some valid complaints. That last pinfall-count was atrocious. What was wrong with him? Did he have a stroke or something?
Lex Robinson: Steve, for God's sake, Travis Miller is getting pummelled on the floor.
Steve Hebert: I know; isn't it great?
Seamlessly lifting the World Champion off the floor, WAR PORK tosses Miller back inside, while Generic Heel gives him a thumbs-up. Realizing this, Stevie steps away from the referee, stomps on Miller and then goes to the top rope.
Lex Robinson: After that savage beatdown on the floor, Stevie ascends to the top turnbuckle. She dives off, nailing a corkscrew moonsault! Getting back up, she climbs to the top rope again.
Steve Hebert: Yes! Add to the pain!
Stevie backflips off the top rope; this time connecting with a moonsault double-stomp!
Lex Robinson: Stevie Swing with a backflip into a double-stomp!
Steve Hebert: Good. Kill that prick. In fact, she's going back up. Hell, why the fuck not?
Having jeers rain down on her, Stevie poses on the top rope. From within her tights, she pulls out a Yamulke and gently places it on her head.
Steve Hebert: Uh oh. Look what time it is now.
Lex Robinson: Five Star of David splash...!
Soaring through the air, Stevie extends her body... only to crashland onto Travis Miller, who pulls his knees up, saving himself, just in the nick of time!
Lex Robinson: No! Travis gets his knees up!
Steve Hebert: Aw, crap. Stevie wasn't banking on this happening.
Lex Robinson: This could be the opening Travis needs. Granted, he may have some broken ribs; but this could be it. Slowly, he begins to elevate himself, using the ropes to help him stand. Hunched over, he holds his ribs and looks over his shoulder, seeing Stevie starting to stand. Doing all that he can to move, he formally stands, turns around and grabs hold of her. Taking her from behind, he nails a release German suplex, sending her flying across the ring with a mammoth throw!
Steve Hebert: But his ribs still hurt! It's slowed him down a lot.
Lex Robinson: Even so, he's back up. Grabbing Stevie by the hair, he pulls her up and hoists her onto his shoulders with a standing fireman's carry. Vaulting Stevie forward, this enables Travis to drop back, prop both knees up and connect with a double-knee gutbuster!
Steve Hebert: [sighing] Ugh.
Lex Robinson: Travis instantly gets back up, winces at the pain and bounces off the ropes, targeting Stevie, who is stumbling around, in pain. He connects with a clothesline that knocks her down, but she pops right back up. She's brought down a second later; and again, she's back up... bam! Travis with a vicious forearm! What a series of consecutive moves!
Steve Hebert: I know! This is horrendous.
Pulling Stevie into him, Travis hoists her into the air, into a powerbomb position! He quickly transfers it into a fireman's carry position and nails a Death Valley Driver!
Steve Hebert: Goddamnit!
Lex Robinson: Death Valley Driver by Travis Miller, who's making a cover!
Steve Hebert: Please kickout, Stevie. I don't want this jerkoff retaining the title.
The count is made...
...1...2...!
Lex Robinson: One... two...!
...!
At the count of two, Generic Heel reaches in and pulls out the referee!
Lex Robinson: Hey, no. Generic Heel, upon instruction of Horatio Q., has yanked the referee out of the ring.
Steve Hebert: I think he's trying to jerk the referee off!
Lex Robinson: This is awful. What is he trying to do?! The fans are counting the three for Miller, while the referee is distracted on the floor. Getting to his feet, an annoyed Travis Miller walks over to the ropes, taking his time to yell out the Department of H.A.R.M..
In the meantime, behind Travis Miller, Stevie Swing has rolled out of the ring, almost seeing stars in her head. At this time, WAR PORK climbs into the ring, out of sight of the referee, spins Miller around and scoops him up, going for an over-the-shoulder powerslam.
Lex Robinson: Now WAR PORK is in the ring and he's grabbing Travis, hoisting him into the air. He's going for a powerslam...
Kicking and clawing away, Travis lands behind WAR PORK and begins throwing rights and lefts at the big man.
Steve Hebert: Shit. He should have just slammed that motherfucker into the earth.
Lex Robinson: Travis is going nuts, pounding away on WAR PORK, getting the fans to their feet! Stevie, who actually defeated WAR PORK at the previous pay per view, picks up a chair from the ringside area, while the referee remains distracted by Generic Heel and Horatio Q..
Steve Hebert: Generic Heel is trying to suck the referee's cock! This is awful.
Lex Robinson: What's worse is Stevie swalking Miller in the ring, holding the chair over his head! Listen to these fans trying to warn you, Travis.
Aware of the danger, Travis Miller spins around, spotting Stevie charge at him, having the chair held over his head. Thinking fast, Travis puts his hands in the air, blocks the shot and rips the chair out of Stevie Swing's hands.
Steve Hebert: Oh no. She misses!
Lex Robinson: Travis Miller has the chair now!
Steve Hebert: Oh God...
Lex Robinson: Travis is going to strike Stevie with that chair...!
As he swings back, WAR PORK manages to reach out and jerk the chair out of Travis's hands.
Steve Hebert: WAR PORK with the save!
Turning around, Travis is struck with a big forearm from WAR PORK, who holds the chair in front of Travis's face. Right away, Stevie steps back... and bolts forward, connecting with The Last Dance! The chair is popped into Miller's, dropping him like a sack of bricks!
Lex Robinson: No!
Steve Hebert: That's what Miller gets for bringing that chair into the ring.
Lex Robinson: ...What?
Steve Hebert: He shouldn't have tried to strike Stevie with it!
Lex Robinson: But Stevie... she's the one that brought it in!
Handing the chair over to WAR PORK, who exits the ring, Stevie covers Travis Miller and hooks a leg.
Steve Hebert: Damnit, Generic Heel, stops trying to sodomize the referee and let him get back inside.
Leaving the referee alone, Generic Heel steps back, allowing him to slide back into the ring and view Stevie make the cover.
Steve Hebert: Here we go...
...1...2...!
Lex Robinson: One... two...!
...!
Steve Hebert: C'mon...
...3!
Lex Robinson: ...Three...!
Steve Hebert: She does it! Stevie Swing is the newest World Champion! The reign of Travis Miller is thankfully over! Oh Christ, thank the heavens.
Lex Robinson: The match is over. Stevie Swing has become a 4-time World Champion!
Steve Hebert: Damn right she has.
After the match, Stevie Swing is given the World Title. The first thing she does is wipe off any Travis Miller germs and holds it high, receiving a ton of jeers from the fans that begin throwing trash.
Steve Hebert: Oh, how classy, you idiot fans. Have some respect for your new World Champion. Scumbags.
As a cup flies into the ring, striking Stevie in the ring, Horatio Q. demands WAR PORK and Generic Heel to hit the ring and beatdown Travis Miller.
Lex Robinson: Wait a second, Horatio is sending his guys into the ring.
Steve Hebert: Good. Wreck some shit.
Lex Robinson: They're beating down Travis Miller, along with Stevie Swing. All three of them kick and stomp on them, while Horatio Q. rolls over to CAPS LOCK and tries to slap some sense into him, but to no avail.
Steve Hebert: CAPS LOCK has been unconscious for this entire match. Are you sure he's still amongst the living?
The bell rings, demanding that The Department of H.A.R.M. evacuate the ring, but they obviously ignore the warnings. After WAR PORK nails another splash onto Travis Miller, Generic Heel begins to rapidly punch him in the testicles.
Lex Robinson: Stop this! Someone restore the order. We got it. Stevie Swing is the new World Champion. Take the title, retreat to the back and accept your victory. Just leave Travis Miller alone. He tried his best.
Steve Hebert: Hell no. He'll learn that he should never have messed with the Department of H.A.R.M..
Lex Robinson: Messed with them? They're the ones that started this!
Amongst the ruckus, the attention of the fans swivel towards the entrance. Teresa Quaranta charges down from the backstage area, fresh off beatdown of Jake Norton. She slides into the ring and immediately targets the H.A.R.M. members.
Lex Robinson: Teresa Quaranta is here! Who would have thought that Teresa Quaranta would have ever rescue Travis Miller! She's amped. She's had enough of this, as well. Quite frankly, I don't blame her. She decks Generic Heel with a swift Roundhouse Kick! WAR PORK notices her and charges at Teresa. She ducks down, pulls the top rope down and WAR PORK goes flying to the floor, smashing to the ground!
Steve Hebert: Ugh! This is awful.
Annoyed at Teresa's involvement, Stevie takes her newly won World Title and runs at Teresa, hoping to smash it off her face. Unfortunately for her, Teresa steps out of the way, knees her in the gut and knees the Spanish Inquisition!
Lex Robinson: What a kick! Stevie collapses to the ground, sending the World Title flying! Standing to her feet, Teresa watches as Stevie Swing lays on the ground, leaving the World Title at Teresa's feet.
Steve Hebert: Hands off, cunt!
Looking down, the fans cheer Teresa on, as she lifts up the World Title and looks positively at it. Seeing everyone else unconscious in the ring, Teresa hops to the outside, taking the title with her.
Steve Hebert: What is the kleptomaniac doing?! That title belongs to Stevie Swing! She took that from Travis "The Faggot" Miller! Horatio, do something!
As Teresa is on the floor, Horatio stops tending to CAPS LOCK and furiously wheels of to Teresa, trying to pluck the title from her hands. Unfortunately for him, Teresa responds by pushing the cripple over, getting raving reviews from the fans.
Steve Hebert: That slut!
Lex Robinson: These fans are on their feet. Boy, they loved that.
Steve Hebert: Fine! At least give the title back. ...Please?
Lex Robinson: She's out of there. Everyone else has been left down and out and Teresa exits to the back.
Pushing her way past the curtain, Teresa Quaranta reaches the backstage area, taking the World Title with her. Everyone else remains down in the ring, with CAPS LOCK finally standing on the outside. Confused, he screams out.
CAPS LOCK: WHAT DID I MISS?!
Steve Hebert: At least CAPS LOCK is alive. Ugh. Teresa Quaranta is obviously relapsing to her teenage years of being a filthy, whorish delinquient. She should be more concerned about her persdnal matters.
Lex Robinson: With everything said and done, Stevie Swing may be the new champion; but it's Teresa that has walked out with the World Title.
Steve Hebert: How dare she. How dare she, indeed!
The cameras fade out, watching Stevie Swing rise, wondering where her World Title is, still not putting it together that Teresa has stolen it. As for Horatio, he is on his back, like a turtle.
Winner: Stevie Swing
Corey Page: 7 years...
Holding his hands up to his face, he begins rubbing his cheeks.
Corey Page: 7 long, arduous freakin' years.
He cackles momentarily before taking a sip from his drink.
Corey Page: I used to be a happy man. I used to be a fun-loving, joyful being... but they ruined me. They took what was once mine. They raped me, pillaged me and destroyed. I've lost my friends and everyone that cared about me. When I was hurting, the world turned on me.
He takes a silent turn.
Corey Page: ...but now... this is me turning my back on the world.
Taking another sip of alcohol, his grin can be shown, despite the cascading darkness.
Corey Page: It's time... it's time... it's time for me to inject some poison into Sin Wrestling. It's time to kill Sin Wrestling. The end is finally here, 7 years after its creation. The time for Sin Wrestling to close forever has arrived...
Grabbing the bottle, he begins drinking from it.
Corey Page: After tonight, there will be one final card, with one final main event. 4 people in the ring, over the top rules, everything on the line and it will be open to everyone. The end is here and the end is the end.
Leaning back in his wheelchair, he smirks, having just announced the final Sin Wrestling card to come. Corey Page will be giving Sin Wrestling its final resolution... soon!
Auschwitz Prison Casket Match
Lex Robinson: Here we go, Steve! The lights are dimming; we're ready to do. After a big night, it's time for the final encounter between Chris Extreme and Christ Carson. It's been over a decade in the making, but it's time for one last fight.
Steve Hebert: And we're taking the specialty matches for both men, too. For Christ Carson, we have the casket, which you have to stuff your opponent in order to win. For Chris Extreme, we have this monstrous structure, the Auschwitz Prison.
Lex Robinson: This is only the second time the Auschwitz Prison has been erected. It's a hellacious design.
Steve Hebert: And he's not talking about Draco, either.
Suddenly, a voice is heard shouting throughout the arena:
"DIE HUMANITY DIE!"
A loud, thunderous explosion occurs, and "Goodbye Horses" by Q Lazzarus blasts over the airways, immediately igniting the arena into cheers. Stepping out from the smoke, barely able to breathe and nearly choking, Chris Extreme saunters towards the ringside area.
With the crowd in a cheering frenzy, Chris struts down to the walkway. He blows some kisses at his adoring fans, while flipping a middle finger at anyone that jeers him. For a second, he stops to put his hand down his pants and wiggle his cock, adjusting himself for the brutal match he is about to be exposed to.
Steve Hebert: Well, Chris Extreme is fixing himself.
Lex Robinson: He's gotta prepare himself, I guess.
Steve Hebert: Yup, you always have to make sure your cock is ready for battle.
Walking to the door of the structure, Chris steps inside, slaps the casket that has been setup and rolls into the ring. Taking a stance, he listens to the crowd cheer for him. He removes a Bible from his white boxers, only to place it on the canvas and urinate on it.
Steve Hebert: He can't do that! That's sacreligious! That heathen!
Lex Robinson: Chris Extreme is showing everyone exactly what he thinks of religion, Christ and Christ Carson.
Steve Hebert: How disrespectful.
Lex Robinson: It's a damn good mind-game to play before going into this war. For all we know, this could be the last minutes of these men's lives.
Steve Hebert: God, I hope it's Chris Extreme that's kicking the bucket. What a prick he is. I wish Mercedes had given him AIDS.
Lex Robinson: Speaking of Broken Hearts, Mercedes was used in this war between Christ Carson and Chris Extreme. Remember, it was Mike Phantasy that Christ Carson got to brainwash Mercedes into kidnapping Chris. She locked him up and tortured him for weeks.
Steve Hebert: Making him listen to her fucking big, black guys. Yuck. How horrendous. She really is a demon. No wonder Chris Extreme is a lunatic.
The entrance starts with a blank screen and no lights, save for only one high-beam shining from the ceiling to the entrance and the chorus of Creed's "Overcome", with the music ripped away from it.
I'm entitled to overcome
Completely stunned, I'm numb
Knock me down, throw me to the floor
There's no pain, I can feel no more
I'm entitled to overcome
The entrance song fades in with solid light coming from the screens, dimming into a "Chris Carson" logo with a cross embossed behind it. Once Carson comes onto the stage and walks towards the ring, he appears full of rage, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. He is ready for business, as he walks down the aisle, not listening to the jeers that pour in for him. Walking down to the ringside area, he opens the door to the prison, steps inside, glares at the casket and at Chris Extreme, then slides into the ring.
Lex Robinson: Here we go! Christ Carson is in the ring, while Chris Extreme tries shitting on the Bible!
Steve Hebert: Christ Carson stops him, though! How dare he try to defecate on the Good Book!
Lex Robinson: Wasting no time, Christ Carson goes directly after Chris Extreme, pounding away at him with a flurry of fists! Over and over again, he strikes, with Chris Extreme trying to fight back; however, Carson flatlines this with some boots to the gut!
Steve Hebert: Good! Keep that no good, neo-atheist down!
Whipping Chris Extreme from one corner to the other, Christ Carson comes running in, nailing a charging shoulder to the gut, causing him to temporarily cripple over. Without a second thought, Chris Carson begins battering Chris Extreme with elbows and forearms.
Steve Hebert: Keep on him, Carson. Beat his face in.
Lex Robinson: Having Chris Extreme cornered, Chris Carson smashes away at his head, punching at his temples. With one good blow, he could render Extreme totally unconscious.
Steve Hebert: Oh, sweet Christ, I hope so.
Lex Robinson: Pulling Chris Extreme into the center of the ring, Chris Carson hoists Chris up... and nails an Atomic drop!
Steve Hebert: An Atomic Cock Drop! He kneed Chris right into the crotch.
Lex Robinson: But Chris stands still, not fazed one bit.
Steve Hebert: Aw, fuck.
Lex Robinson: Taking advantage of this, Chris Extreme simply pokes Chris Extreme in the eye, much to the joy of the fans. Stumbling to his feet, Chris Carson holds his right eye, allowing Chris Extreme to bounce off the nearest set of ropes and come charging out, nailing a reverse-bulldog on the man formerly known as The Creep!
Steve Hebert: Agh! Don't call him that, Lex.
Lex Robinson: I dunno. Chris Carson said we may just see The Creep one more time. With the clothes that he's wearing, the attitude he's sporting, the bloodlust, the no-refusal, I just think he is here.
Steve Hebert: Hell no! The Creep is dead. In fact, let's just focus on what's happening right now -- that being Chris Carson getting pummelled by an insane Chris Extreme. Actually, on second thought, let's not.
Lex Robinson: Chris EXtreme is straddling Christ Carson, rapidly punching at his skull, switching hands and smashing away at him! Hell, Chris grabs onto both sides of Carson's head and begins bashing his skull off the canvas!
Steve Hebert: It causes the prison to rattle, too. Oh my God almighty, how awful.
Fortunately for Christ Carson, he uses his knees to throw Chris Extreme onto his back. Rolling atop him, he switches things up, delivering some manic punches of his own to Chris Extreme's head and face. In reply to this, Chris Extreme reaches up and claws and scratches at Carson's face, acting like John Locke the Cat, enabling him to escape.
Lex Robinson: These two are going right at it. Chris Extreme is showing no surrender, as he keeps coming back, despite Carson's punches. Luckily, he has scraped at Carson's eyes and face, allowing him to slip out and get back up to his feet. Coming from behind Carson, he literally kicks him in the rump and clotheslines him across the back of the neck, sending him stumbling towards the side of that cage!
Steve Hebert: Argh! He booted him right in the hiney, too. Thankfully for Carson, he's able to get his foot up and halt himself from going into the side of the cage wall.
Lex Robinson: He quickly turns around, though... and Chris Extreme charges at him! At a rapid pace, Chris dives towards him; but Chris Carson hits the dirt! Chris Extreme winds up flinging his own body into the side of that cage, sending a shocking of sparks into the air once he lands on the fenced-in area!
Steve Hebert: Holy shit, is that electrified, too?!
Lex Robinson: Apparently it is! With his chest singed and yelling out in pain, Chris Extreme stumbles back, only to walk right into some punches and bionic elbows from Chris Carson. Knocked against the ropes, Chris has nowhere to go as Chris Carson whips him out, throwing him into the opposite set of ropes. Wait... no! It's reversed. In fact, Chris Carson is now whipped into the ropes.
Steve Hebert: Oh boy. Oh no...
Running back, Christ Carson can't help himself by running right into Chris Extreme, who drops him with a spinning spinebuster!
Steve Hebert: Damnit, no!
Lex Robinson: Chris Extreme makes the reversal and brings Chris Carson hard onto the mat!
Steve Hebert: Oh God, look what he's doing now, that bag of filth; that sack of shit. He's reaching into his filthy boxers, again revving his cock up...
Lex Robinson: Uh...
Steve Hebert: But it's not moving! Huh?
Lex Robinson: He, uh, he can't get it up, apparently.
Steve Hebert: Well, good... I think.
Lex Robinson: He's motioning... but nothing's happening. It's that damned cancer.
Steve Hebert: Haha, good! It's about time cancer did something useful.
Lex Robinson: Backing into the corner, he tries to get it up, but to no avail. As a result, this gives Chris Carson some room to breathe, allowing him to get up, seeing Chris Extreme against the turnbuckles. He quickly moves in, targeting Chris Extreme with a running-forearm into the corner!
Caught with his hands down his pants -- quite literally, Chris Extreme is smashed into the corner. Even though Chris Carson doesn't smash him against the cage, Extreme is struck down with a bevy of kicks and stomps, keeping him trapped in the corner, while the fans scream for blood, wanting Carson to be even more vicious.
Lex Robinson: Carson stomps Chris into the corner. Lifting him up, he chops him several times across the chest and sets him across the ropes. Sitting him on the top rope, Carson climbs up to the middle rope, apparently trying for a superplex, on the midway point of the ropes. It's a little unorthodox, but it'd work.
Steve Hebert: Good. As long as Chris Extreme is driven down to the ring, I'm happy.
Lex Robinson: Chris Carson hooks him by the arm, tucking it over his neck. Here we go...
Using his instinct, Chris Extreme reaches out and grabs onto a barbed-wire wrapped board, holding himself in place.
Lex Robinson: Wait...! Chris Extreme stops the move.
Steve Hebert: Lift harder, Christ, for the love of Christ.
Lex Robison: Again, Chris Carson tries to pluck Chris Extreme away, but Chris grips on to that barbed-wire, refusing to let go. He holds tight, almost pulling the barbed-wire off the cage, but he hangs tight, blood dripping from his own hand. Teetering on the top rope, Chris is able to use some elbows to nudge himself safe from Carson's clutches, even using some brutal slaps and chops to the chest of Carson.
Steve Hebert: The blood flows from Chris Extreme's hand, spilling all over Chris Carson's chest, flying into the front row and everything! Yuck! I think some of his blood just flew onto me. I think I have AIDS now, Lex. How awful.
Lex Robinson: With his chest smeared in the blood of Chris Extreme's right hand, Christ Carson takes a step down, showing disdain with the violence. As a result, he receives a stiff boot to the face from Chris Extreme, who grabs onto his hair and pulls him back up.
Steve Hebert: He even has a splotch of blood in Carson's pretty blonde hair. This is not cool. This is not holy.
Grabbing onto Christ Carson's head and arms, Chris Extreme ducks back, smashing his face off a piece of wooden board! As a result, Christ remains in a daze while on the top rope, allowing Chris Extreme to desperately claw and bite at him, sending blood dripping down his face.
Steve Hebert: That horrifying, disgusting, cancerous, diseased blood is on Chris Carson's chest. And now holy blood his dripping down his face, off his forehead. This is all because of Chris Extreme, who is now repeatedly bashing Chris Carson's face off a wooden board wrapped in barbed-wire! Ugh, why God, why? Why would you let this happen to your chosen son?
Lex Robinson: The fans are on their feet, with Chris Extreme and Chris Carson high in the air, standing on the top rope. Blood is flowing down Carson's face, as he tries to retreat, but Chris Extreme keeps pulling him back up. Up here, Chris Extreme pulls Chris Carson in to him and applies a standing-headscissors.
Steve Hebert: Uh oh. This can't be good.
Lex Robinson: Not for Chris Carson, that is...
Up here, Chris Extreme hoists Chris Carson into the air and explodes off the top rope, flying through the air, sending Chris Carson down with a flying powerbomb!
Lex Robinson: Wow! What a powerbomb! The fans jump to their feet, in an absolute frenzy! They're overjoyed with seeing Chris Carson plummet to the ground!
Steve Hebert: These people... these people are just like Chris Extreme. They have no morals, no beliefs, no anything. They're just mindless neo-atheists. Sickening. Absolutely sickening.
Lex Robinson: As opposed to you, who is just a regular ol' atheist.
Steve Hebert: Hey, I'm not bloodthirsty, unlike these idiots.
Lex Robinson: You've got to be kidding. You call for blood more often than anyone else I know. The only person happier than you when blood is involved is a teenage girl who finds blood in her panties, after missing her period for 7 days.
Steve Hebert: Please, Lex, don't bring up teenage girls. You're giving me a hard-on.
Lex Robinson: Oh jeez. Slowly, Chris Extreme rises, with the fans cheering him on. Once again, he reaches into his boxers, trying to become erect.
Steve Hebert: But again, there's nothing. It's because he IS a nothing. Besides, it isn't even that big.
Lex Robinson: He just can't become erect. It's gotta be that f'n cancer. My god, to hell with cancer.
Bloodied and beaten, Christ Carson rolls to his side, realizing that his face is now dripping crimson blood. Putting his hand up, he swats some of the blood away, stands to his feet and turns around, viewing Chris Extreme pumping at his cock and becomes disgusted. Right away, he puts Chris in his crosshairs and charges at him, sending a punch at him.
Lex Robinson: Not liking what Chris was doing, Chris Carson nails him with a stiff punch, catching Chris with his hand down his pants, yet again.
Steve Hebert: Serves him right. It's just so sick and immoral. Now, will you jerk me off, Lex?
Lex Robinson: Stop that. You're even more hypocritical than Chris Carson.
Steve Hebert: Pffft. Everyone's a hypocrite with you, aren't they?
Lex Robinson: Not letting Carson regain control of things, Chris Extreme retaliates by striking with some fists of his own. As a matter of fact, they're not going tit-for-tat in the center of the ring.
Steve Hebert: Oh God, don't show him up tat, Christ.
Lex Robinson: Pow... pow... pow! Chris Extreme batters Chris Carson down, knocking him against the side of that cage. Grabbing him by the hair he heaves him face first into the wall of that structure, knocking him into the steel rung! Sparks fly off, shocking the man formerly known as The Creep!
Steve Hebert: No! Horrible!
Lex Robinson: If we're lucky, it shocked some sense into him.
Steve Hebert: If we're lucky, he'd transfer that electric shock over to Chris Extreme's cock.
Lex Robinson: Feeling the pain surge through his body, Chris Carson is given little time to rest, as Chris Extreme grabs on to him for a second straight time. Showing no mercy, he throws Chris Carson into the opposite side of the cage, tossing him into the net of barbed-wire with the force of 10,000 Richard Dawkins'!
Steve Hebert: Oh God, oh Jesus, why?! He's all tangled up in that barbed-wire, which shreds his skin. How's he supposed to wear those nice little robes when performing more sermons?!
Lex Robinson: Cries of pain and horror are heard from Chris Carson, who rips himself away from the cage's wall, in insurmountable pain, blood dripping from his back. As he walks away, a strand of barbed-wire remains tangled in his arm, forcing him to pull on it and yank it off!
Steve Hebert: My God, this is awful. Poor Christ.
Stepping back, seeing Christ Carson pull away from the cage wall, Chris Extreme charges forward, looking to take him down with a running-clothesline. Spinning around, Carson sees him emerge, decides to duck down and escape danger. In a last ditch effort, Christ Carson comes from behind, grabs onto Chris and heaves him with a back-suplex into the side of the cage wall!
Lex Robinson: A rear-suplex from Chris Carson sends Chris Extreme recklessly into the wall of that prison, smashing him against twisted steel, wood and barbed-wire!
Steve Hebert: Good! Now he knows how Carson feels. Take that strand of barbed-wire, Christ, show him the pain.
Lex Robinson: Hey, wait a second. I thought you wanted Christ Carson to wrestle a nice, clean wrestling match.
Steve Hebert: Sometimes blood has to be spilled. Haven't you read the Bible, a book full of bullshit and poppycock?
Lex Robinson: But--...
Steve Hebert: Don't patronize me, Lex.
Steve Hebert: On second thought, don't do it! Fuck that. Give him a wristlock. Come on, it'd be much more painful. Don't do it. Don't listen to these retarded, hipster shitbags, especially Lex Robinson.
Holding the barbed-wire in his hands, Chris Carson looks fiercely at the strand, trying to decipher what to do. The fans are screaming for him to wrap it around Chris Extreme and bring out The Creep, but ultimately it's up to him. Smirking, he moves toward Chris Extreme, kicks him and holds the barbed-wire overhead.
Lex Robinson: He's going to do it! He's going to slice Chris Extreme open!
Steve Hebert: Jesus would not approve!
Kneeling down on one knee, Chris Carson gets some "CREEP" chants going.
Steve Hebert: No! Don't do it!
He reaches out to Chris Extreme and grabs a hold of him.
Lex Robinson: He has Chris Extreme... The Creep is...
Instead of wrapping the barbed-wire around his face, Chris Carson applies a reverse-chinlock, wrapping his hand around Chris's face, while jamming a knee into his back.
Steve Hebert: Dead! The Creep is still dead! Thank heavens!
Lex Robinson: Damnit, I can't believe it. I never thought I'd see a chinlock in an Auschwitz Prison Casket Match.
Steve Hebert: Well, you are, so deal with it.
Trapped in the chinlock, Chris Extreme squirms about, having Carson's knee jam into his bloody back, adding in some punches for extra punishment.
Steve Hebert: It's great seeing that heathenous bastard squirm and moan. Serves him right for what he did to Chris Carson earlier tonight. He could have been killed. Thankfully Carson has God on his side. God and his big, fictitious, giant cloud.
Lex Robinson: God, you confuse me sometimes, Steve.
Steve Hebert: I know, I know.
Lex Robinson: Fighting his way to his feet, Chris, who hash the fans firmly behind him and are jeering at Chris Carson, who let them down, battles back. In a kneeling position, he hammers away at Carson's gut, nailing some elbows into his abdomen. Finding escape, he pushes Carson off, kicks him in the crotch and then stunners him!
Steve Hebert: Damnit, that's not how things were supposed to go!
Lex Robinson: Slowly, Chris sits up, sees the barbed-wire strand next to him and takes it in his bleeding hand. Holding it tight, he pulls it into him and rises. Seeing Chris Carson roll about, almost having his jaw jacked, Chris Extreme begins slapping and whipping him with the barbed-wire!
Steve Hebert: Oh no! That has to hurt. Poor Carson. This is awful. This is what they did to Jesus, too!
Lex Robinson: He lashes away at Chris Carson, who rolls around, having the barbed-wire slash into his skin! Rolling away, Carson rolls to the outer part of the ring, nearest the casket! Chris Extreme, of course, is quickly after him, giving chase.
Slipping to the floor, Chris Carson takes siege near the casket, using it to help him stand. However, Chris Extreme is after him, still swiping the barbed-wire at him, lashing at him and ripping off flakes of skin from Carson's back and arm. Just as Extreme goes to follow him to the outside part of the prison setup, Christ Carson slides back inside, staying firmly away from Chris Extreme's mania.
Lex Robinson: From the floor to back inside goes Carson. Chris Extreme, for his part, goes to climb back inside, but Carson runs at him... and connects with a sit-down, baseball-slide dropkick! That shot knocks Chris Extreme back, sending him smashing into the wall of the cage, entranching himself in barbed-wire and steel-wire!
Steve Hebert: Oh, thank fucking heavens. The nonexistent God finally shove upon Christ Carson. Hallelulah, motherfucker.
Lex Robinson: Chris Carson takes advantage of Chris Extreme's precarious position, too. Sliding out to the foor, he goes after Extreme, grimaces and reluctantly strikes the back of his skull off the cage wall, clattering the boards and wire fence together!
Steve Hebert: That's as far as he'll go. After that, it'll be all wrist-locks and armbars, I assure you. Hell, some fists are good, too; just like what he's doing right now to Chris Extreme, who's stuck in the cell wall. Giving him repeated rights, Chris Carson has Chris in prime position to teach him a good lesson about the good lord.
Pulling Chris away from the wall, Christ Carson takes his bloodied hand, places it between the door of the casket, which he holds open and then slams down across Chris's hand!
Steve Hebert: There'll be no more sinning done with that hand! No more cock rubbing, no more wrath, no more lust!
Lex Robinson: Furthermore, Chris Carson rolls Chris Extreme atop the casket, which has its door slammed shut. Climbing up with him, he punches Chris and does battle with him, going toe-to-toe, striking him with a flurry of shots. Pulling Extreme up to his feet, Carson yanks him near... and begins dusting Chris Extreme off! What the hell?
Steve Hebert: It's like he's cleansing Chris Extreme's wounds, purging him of sin.
Lex Robinson: Not only that, but he's grabbing Chris from side-on...
Within seconds, Christ Carson Russian legsweeps Chris Extreme atop the casket!
Lex Robinson: And down he goes.
Steve Hebert: You have to get him in the casket, Carson; not on it.
Lex Robinson: Obviously, Steve. He knows his own match rules.
Steve Hebert: Just making sure.
Rolling Chris Extreme off the casket and onto the ring apron, Chris Carson kicks him back inside the ring and goes after him, bloodied back and all. In no time, he is back inside and is hovering around Chris Extreme, like a fly attached to feces.
Lex Robinson: At each attempt made by Chris Extreme at rising, Christ Carson moves in, slapping him across the face, negating any attempts made at rising. How sickening. Talk about adding insult to injury. The blood coming from the back of Chris Extreme's head isn't enough, but he has to do this, as well? The man's a cancer patient, for God's sake!
Steve Hebert: Uhm, excuse me, don't use the lord's name in vain, thank you.
Lex Robinson: Oh, come on. Drop this pseudo-religious act. We've been through this the entire night; you're an atheist!
Steve Hebert: Stop trying to force your beliefs on me, maaaan.
Lex Robinson: The only person doing that is Christ Carson.
Steve Hebert: After that horrendous attack earlier in the night, while Carson was giving a sermon, who can blame him? This could be one of the very last Sin Wrestling shows. He needs to spread the gospel and not worry about this idiot, Chris Extreme.
Lex Robinson: If anything, Chris is trying to save people from hus hypocrisy.
Steve Hebert: The only person that needs saving, Lex Robinson, is Chris Extreme. I'e said it; Christ Carson's said it; and now I'm saying it again.
Lex Robinson: Only because you love to hear your own voice.
Steve Hebert: Yes, but that's an entirely different issue.
Despite his staunch conversative views, Chris Carson hoists Chris Extreme up, gutwnrenches Chris and then gutwrench-suplexes him onto the barbed-wire that had been ripped off the wall!
Lex Robinson: So much for not using violence, hey?
Steve Hebert: Hey now. That was purely accidental. It was divine intervention that placed that barbed-wire rope there. Chris Extreme was meant to land on that barbed-wire strande, both you and I know it. Chris Carson is free from any negativity.
Lex Robinson: How conveniently forgiving.
Steve Hebert: The lord works in mysterious ways, Lex. Even when you're an atheist.
Lex Robinson: You're just trying to antagonize me and everyone else with common sense.
Stomping on Chris Extreme's bleeding hand, the man formerly known as The Creep finds a firm grip on Extreme's arm, applying a standing cross-armbreaker in the center of the ring. The fans jeer and taunt him, but he responds by yelling back at them, shouting Bibles verses out loud.
Steve Hebert: Yes! Tell them all about Leviticus!
Lex Robinson: What's even more disconcerting is the fact that he's also scraping at Chris Extreme's injured hand. It's probably a smart move, on the other hand, though. Adding more damage is how Carson can escape this match alive.
Steve Hebert: As long as he doesn't receive any more horrible head wounds, like the one he has above his right brow, he'll be fine. Ditto with any other terri-awful cuts and scrapes. He needs to keep his head up and stay away from dangerous holds such as The Testicle Claw and the dreaded Cock Punch.
Having Chris cry out in pain, Carson wrenches on his arm and closes Chris's hand, wanting the bleeding to stop. Writhing in agony, Chris Extreme squirms around, trying to find an opening, with the fans cheering him on. Moving from side-to-side, with Carson having his arm tucked between his legs, Chris Extreme starts to rise behind Christ Carson.
Lex Robinson: He's fighting back! Chris Extreme is not going down!
Steve Hebert: Satan-damnit! Why can't that asshole stay down?!
Lex Robinson: Wow, he's actually headbutting Chris Carson in the, uh, rear!
Steve Hebert: Oh no! Headbutts to the asshole! This is not good!
Lex Robinson: He even bites Chris Carson's rear end! Holy crap.
Steve Hebert: "Holy crap" is right. Oh no. This allows Extreme to pull his arm back and apply the Testicle Claw from behind Carson! Oh God no, it just gets worse.
Lex Robinson: Chris Carson is hollering out in pain, almost brought down to his knees! Chris Extreme looks hungry; Christ Carson, meanwhile, looks awful. Wait... wait... Carson rolls through it! He applies a Juji-gatame armbar!
Steve Hebert: Who's a Jew?!
Lex Robinson: Luckily for Chris, there's no tapping out. In order to win, Christ Carson will have to stuff Extreme into the casket or climb out of the cage.
Steve Hebert: Yeah, but working on Chris Extreme's arm like this does the following: it renders him arm useless from climbing; it makes him useless at opening that casket door; and most of all, it weakens his ability to hit The Cock Factor.
Lex Robinson: Damn. That's some good insight from Steve Hebert. I'm surprised.
Steve Hebert: Hey, I do my homework 'round here.
As Chris rolls to his side, trying to escape, Chris Carson begins rapidly striking his calves against the front of his face, trying to wear him down. Nonetheless, Chris Extreme powers through it, rolling up to his feet.
Lex Robinson: Not one to be kept down and out, Chris Extreme is firing back, trying to regain the advantage, with Chris Carson dangling on to his arm. He hoists Carson into the air, trying to find an escape... but drops him back down onto the barbed-wire! Shouts of pain come from Christ Carson, but he refuses to let go! For the second straight time, Chris Extreme picks Christ Carson up... and he drops him down again, digging the barbed-wire further into his back!
Steve Hebert: Ouch. This is awful. How is Carson supposed to pull that awful shit out of his back?!
Lex Robinson: Here he goes again...
For the third time, Chris Extreme pulls Chris Carson into the air, with the barbed-wire still in his back. Held up in the powerbomb position, Chris Extreme transitions it into a standing fireman's carry. Stumbling backward, he runs Chris Carson hard into the cage wall, smashing him against wood, brick, barbed-wire and steel! To make things worse, an electric current goes through both men, shocking them both!
Lex Robinson: Whoa!
Steve Hebert: No! Poor Carson. He drops to the mat, his own back bloodied from being slashed and smashed. This is horrible, Lex. Fucking horrendous, even.
Lex Robinson: Despite the cancer--...
Steve Hebert: --... and the AIDS--...
Lex Robinson: Chris Extreme is able to lift him and smash him into the corner! Both of them go down, though; Chris Carson against the cage wall and Chris Extreme collapsing in the center of the ring.
Steve Hebert: That current ripped through both men. Even so, Chris Extreme is rising and convulsing like a stuttering retard. Of course.
Lex Robinson: He goes stumbling towards the side of the cage, walking towards the wooden bars. He's going to try climbing out of the prison. To hell with stuffing Chris Carson into that casket.
Latching onto the wooden panels, Chris Extreme begins to rise, hiking his way up the side of the cage. When he is halfway up, Chris Carson begins to roll around, finally regaining his wits.
Steve Hebert: Thankfully, Chris Carson is up. He has his eyes set straight on Extreme, too.
Stumbling after Chris Extreme, Christ Carson begins to climb after him, using the wooden boards and steel wall to the climb after him. At first, he grabs on to Chris Extreme's foot, trying to slow him down, but Extreme replies by stomping Carson square in the jaw. Shrugging off that blow, Chris Carson continues climbing, not letting Chris Extreme get too far up.
Lex Robinson: Christ Carson has hunted Chris Extreme down! They better be careful. They don't want to accidentally stumble into an electrified portion of that cage.
Steve Hebert: Hell, Chris Carson has pretty much climbed through barbed-wire to stand alongside Chris Extreme. If he can take several hundred volts, he can do this.
High in the air, Chris Extreme tries battering Chris Carson off the side of the cage, striking him with punches to the jaw. For his own effort, Carson tries to chop Extreme down to size.
Lex Robinson: Christ Carson is sending some chops to Chris Extreme's chest. Carson, who still has a strand of barbed-wire in hanging from his back remains on the side of that structure, standing on a barbed-wire board for balance. He reaches out and rocks Chris Extreme's skull off the wood, accidentally busting him open!
Steve Hebert: Carson is sickened by this, too. He's shaking his head and twisting his face, while Chris Extreme laughs... and spits some of his own blood into Carson's face! Wow!
Lex Robinson: He's just taunting Christ Carson, who angrily applies a sleeper high in the air! What the hell?!
Steve Hebert: Yes! He's going to make Chris go unconscius 10 feet in the air!
Lex Robinson: In all my life commentating, I've never seen a sleeperhold applied so high in the air! Chris Extreme's face is bloodied and he's trying to fight his way out of it with some elbows, but he seems to be fading.
Steve Hebert: Good! End him, Carson! Show him the end of days!
As the hold is held on, Chris Extreme seems to loosen his grip on the wall of the cage. Eventually, he remains dangling by just a strand of barbed-wire, barely able to maintain his feet beneath him.
Lex Robinson: His legs are all wobbly, it's not looking good...
When the time is perfect, Christ Carson, whose back is covered in blood and barbed-wire, sleeperhold-superplexes Extreme from the halfway point of the cage -- all the way down to the canvas!
Lex Robinson: Oh my God! Chris Extreme was just sent flying to the mat!
Steve Hebert: Yes! It's over! He's dead! Christ Carson has killed the evil that is Chris Extreme! Thank fucking God.
Lex Robinson: He is out! If the sleeper didn't knock him out; then being flung off the side of that cage did it! Oh my god...
Steve Hebert: Christ f'n Carson, who is back on his feet, is covered with Chris Extreme's blood, which was spat in his face. Walking over, Chris Carson kicks at Chris Extreme, making him roll towards the casket. This is going to be it.
Lex Robinson: He has Chris rolled towards the apron here. Stepping to the outer portion of the apron, Chris Carson lifts open the cover to the coffin. Using some more kicks and stomps, Christ Carson rolls Chris Extreme into the coffin. Standing over him, he's about to close it shut...
Before he can, though, Christ Carson looks around at the crowd, with a cheshire cat grin on his face.
Lex Robinson: He's closing the door...
Steve Hebert: ...No! Chris Extreme's cock rises! It blocks him from closing the door, pushing the cover upwards! How goddamn lucky for that prick. What awful timing.
Lex Robinson: Finally! After having it malfunction and not rise earlier in the match, Chris Extreme's penis has, uh, finally come alive! It has sprung into action! Not only that, but it allows Chris to kick the coffin cover off him. He jumps up and immediately targets Christ Carson, who is absolutely stunned!
Whilst standing inside the coffin, Chris Extreme begins hammering away at Chris Carson's face. Grabbing him by the hair, he flings Carson off the side of the ring apron, heaving him towards the wall of the Auschwitz Prison! As a result, Christ Carson is flung face first into steel and barbed-wire, making him scrape the front of his body as he falls to the floor!
Steve Hebert: Oh no! Poor Christ Carson!
Lex Robinson: His entire body has been busted open, pretty much! There are scrapes on his chest and a wide gash on his forehead! He is gushing blood!
Steve Hebert: That's some holy blood, Lex. You could probably scoop some of that up and cure cancer. Hell, maybe Carson should do what Chris Extreme did to him and spit some blood in his face. How 'bout that, huh? How 'bout it?!
Lex Robinson: Chris Extreme jumps out of the casket, lands on the floor next to Carson and rips that strand of barbed-wire out of Carson's back. Like a demon tormented, Chris Extreme wraps the barbed-wire around Christ Carson's head, making him wear it like a crown of thorns!
Steve Hebert: Oh no. This is awful. How disrespectful.
Blood pours from Christ Carson's wounds, as Extreme winds the barbed-wire tightly, digging it into Carson's flesh. Not only that, but he hammers away at the barbed-wire, making it stick even more inside of his skin!
Lex Robinson: As the blood falls down Christ Carson's face, Chris Extreme picks him up, slams him against the steel and bashes his skull across the casket, leaving behind a wide splotch of blood! Rolling him back inside, with the crown of barbed-wire wrapped tightly around his skull, Chris Extreme turns to the side of the cage wall, grabs onto a barbed-wire wrapped board... and yanks it off the cage wall! Holy shit!
Steve Hebert: What?! Can he do that?! What if the goddamn cage falls apart?!
Lex Robinson: Hey, he was able to rip it off, splintering pieces of it. If he can get his hands on it, he's going to use it.
Steve Hebert: Ugh. You won't see Christ Carson do that. He's a wholesome guy.
With the barbed-wire board in his hands, Chris Extreme rolls into the ring, stands to his feet and views Chris Carson crawl away from him, trying to pry the crownd of barbed-wire from his head. Without mercy, he comes up behind Carson and jabs the board into Carson's back, jamming it into the flesh wound, making it bleed even more.
Steve Hebert: Listen to those cries of pain coming from Christ Carson. This is friggin' bad, man. This is awful. Chris Extreme is an evil being. Christ Carson would never do this to him.
Lex Robinson: Are you kidding me?! He made a living out of this kind of stuff when he was The Creep!
Steve Hebert: Oh, get over it, Lex. He's changed. The Creep is long-dead and has been for almost a year. Let it go, for God's sake.
Lex Robinson: Well, he may want to resurrect him because this is not looking good. Chris Extreme hoists the barbed-wire board over his head...
Looking over his shoulder, Christ Carson notices this danger. Thinking fast, he nails Chris with a quick elbow to the stomach!
Steve Hebert: There! That works! Nice and simple. No need for weapons.
Lex Robinson: Christ Carson is firing back, nailing a flurry of blows to Chris Extreme's skull. He nails a suplex, rolls through it and brings Chris back up. Seconds later, he kicks him in the gut and pulls him in between his legs. He's hoisting him up onto his shoulder, into a powerbomb position...
Steve Hebert: He drops back, sending Chris Extreme face-first into the wicked cage! Yes! That's more like it! Chris Extreme's godless head snaps back, full of blood, running down his face like tomato juice... or period blood.
Lex Robinson: Digging into his own flesh, Christ Carson rips the crown of barbed-wire off his skull. That's disgusting! Tossing the barbed-wire down, he looks at the barbed-wire board and picks it up. Uh oh...
Steve Hebert: Good! Use it to bash Chris Extreme's skull open!
Lex Robinson: He's looking at him, like a lion stalking its prey. I think he might do it...
Steve Hebert: Jesus will not approve, Christ! Don't do it. You're the saviour. The saviour wouldn't do this!
Holding the wooden board in his hand, Christ Carson feels it up and down, having the fans call out for him to use it. Closing his eyes, he shakes his head and drops the board, opting to start climbing out of the prison, instead.
Lex Robinson: He says "no"! He's not going to use it. That may have been pretty goddamn dumb, in retrospect. He could have soundily put Chris Extreme away, but he chose not to. Instead, he opts to climb up the side of the cage to make his exit...
Steve Hebert: That's more like it! Hurry, Christ, hurry! Leave Chris Extreme in a pool of his own blood. Make him suffer and think about what he's done.
Washing some of his own blood out of his face, Chris Carson ascends the cage and reaches the top. Up here, he stops, holds his arms out in a crucifix pose and listens to the boos rain down on him.
Lex Robinson: He truly does think he's the saviour. How delirious. He's no one's saviour. He's just a charlatan and a hypocrite.
Steve Hebert: Oh, wise up, Lex. Carson's about to make his exit and all you can do is ramble on, just like a dummy.
Lex Robinson: Ugh. Bracing himself, Christ Carson places one leg over the top of the cage. All he needs to do now is put his other one over and climbs down.
Steve Hebert: Good. Do it!
Lex Robinson: Although, Chris Extreme is beginning to stir! Slowly, he wobbles over to the wall, checks to make sure there's no current and begins climbing, barely able to hold on, due to his injured arm. Not minding the cuts and bruises, Chris Extreme is making his way up, aggravating Christ Carson, who throws his hands up, takes a step down and begins bashing at Chris Extreme's skull with his foot!
Steve Hebert: It's not bringing that idiot down, though. Like David vs. the Goliath, Chris Extreme just keeps fighting, that no-good Sodomite! Reaching upwards, he grabs onto Christ Carson with his bloodied arm and hand. Grabbing on to him, he tries to pull Carson down, but it's no good. Carson is hanging tight. There's no budging him.
Lex Robinson: As such, it forces Chris Extreme to take a few more steps up.
Steve Hebert: Ugh. Awful. Stay down, you loon!
Lex Robinson: In quick succession, Chris Extreme punches at Chris Carson's kidney and follows that with a quick "Love Tap" slap to the crotch!
Steve Hebert: Oh no, his holy semen!
Christ Carson coughs loudly and stops in his tracks. This allows for Chris Extreme to step up behind him, placing him in an Electric Chair position, while hanging on to the cage. Horrified at his situation, Christ Carson can no longer hold on, as Chris Extreme drops back...!
Steve Hebert: No...!
Lex Robinson: Electric Chair Drop from the top of that cage! Oh my God! They both plummet to the canvas! Holy crap! Oh my God!
Steve Hebert: And Christ Carson probably got the worst of that because he was further up in the air. Oh no. Ugh. I think I'm going to be sick.
Lex Robinson: Neither man is moving! They're both bleeding profusely. In my opinion, we should send medics out there to check on them. This... this could be lethal.
Steve Hebert: We were promised that this could be the last match both men wrestled against each other; but I never thought it'd be like this. Poor Carson. How awful.
After over a minute of both men barely moving, Christ Carson is the first to become mobile, sitting up, holding his back and breathing heavily, making him cough up blood. He goes to stand, but drops back down again, landing on one knee.
Steve Hebert: Oh man, he can't even get up. This is tragic. I hope the good lord is watching over him.
Eyeing the casket, Chris Carson takes some time and gets back to his feet, using the ring ropes and the wood to help him stand. Turning around, he sees Chris Extreme struggling to lift himself up and decides to move in on him.
Steve Hebert: Get him, Christ. Put him in that casket. Dump him into it.
Lex Robinson: He lifts Chris Extreme up. He goes to scoop Extreme up for a bodyslam, but Chris slips out behind him...!
Steve Hebert: Oh God, no...
Lex Robinson: Ducking away from him, Chris Extreme pushes Carson into the ropes, making him storm back out and nail a running-shoulderblock! Chris Extreme takes the brunt of the blow and slumps against the ropes that are nearest the casket. A hunched over Chris Carson takes a deep breath, spits some blood out onto the ground and charges at Chris Extreme...!
Steve Hebert: Tackle him into that friggin' casket...!
Lex Robinson: Extreme ducks! Backdrop! Christ Carson is sent flying through the air! He smashes against the wall of the Auschwitz Prison and falls directly into the casket!
Steve Hebert: No! Shit, no! He screwed up!
Lex Robinson: All Chris Extreme has to do is to roll out of the ring and close the casket! Can he do it?!
Steve Hebert: Strike him down with a lightning bolt!
On his ass, Chris Extreme rolls over, in pain. Upon noticing Christ Carson in the casket, Chris begins crawling out of the ring. Getting to the floor, he walks over to the casket and goes to close it.
Steve Hebert: Oh no...!
Breathing deep, Chris Extreme begins to shut the casket...!
Lex Robinson: No! Christ Carson reaches up and punches Chris Extreme in the jaw!
Steve Hebert: Yes! That'll do it!
Lex Robinson: Shrugging off the damage, Christ Carson latches on to Chris Extreme and refuses to let him go. He has him up... and he brainbusters him into the casket!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Kill him!
Lex Robinson: All he needs to do is climb out and shut the lid. Can he do it?! Can Christ Carson defeat Chris Extreme, the proclaimed demon?!
Steve Hebert: If not, we're all doomed.
Taking his time, trying to gather himself, a bloodied Christ Carson tries slithering out of the casket. Before he can fully escape, Chris Extreme uses his instinct to reach up and grab onto his ankle, forcing him to stand his ground!
Lex Robinson: No! He can't get out! Chris Extreme, using whatever he has left in the tank, grabs onto him and keeps him steady. From inside the casket, they begin exchanging blows, while kneeling across from each other! Christ Carson with an uppercut! Chris Extreme with some punches of his own! Now Christ Carson fires back with 2 straight forearms!
Steve Hebert: They're going back and forth, struggling to come out on top and exit that terrifying casket. God, this is tense.
Lex Robinson: Christ Carson hammers back with some fists! Chris Extreme, meanwhile, is giving Carson the business, nailing him with some rapid-fire punches.
Going punch-for-punch, they work their way to their feet, slugging away at each other. After Christ Carson knees Chris Extreme in the gut, he pulls him in, trying to superplex him out of the casket.
Steve Hebert: Surprising Chris Extreme with a knee, Christ Carson is going to come out...
Lex Robinson: No, wait. He has his supex interrupted by Chris Extreme! In fact, Chris strikes with a kneelift of his own. He pulls Carson into a standing-headscissors position. I think he's going for a spike-piledriver into that casket, Steve!
Steve Hebert: Oh no...
Lex Robinson: He lifts Carson up...
Steve Hebert: No! Carson stops him! Backdrop! He backdrops Chris Extreme out of the casket and onto the ringside floor! What a drop! Thank God! Thank Christ! Thank Christ Carson!
Lex Robinson: Chris Extreme is out on the floor, rocking back and forth, barely mobile. Chris Carson, in the meantime, is now standing in the coffin. Reaching out, he grabs onto the cage wall and begins climbing it, stepping out of the casket to help him rise.
Steve Hebert: He says "Screw it" to getting Chris Extreme in that coffin. Instead, he's just going to climb up and over, whether his entire body explodes due to electrical current.
Making his way up the side of the cage, Christ Carson suffers through the pain of climbing through the barbed-wire. He marches through, like Jesus and his desert sabbatical, making his way towards the top.
Steve Hebert: Getting higher in the air, Christ Carson is nearing the top. This is over. Christ Carson has this match won. For the love of God, this is great. Die, Chris Extreme, die!
Lex Robinson: He has it! This has to be the end! Chris Extreme can barely sit up! A bloodied Chris Carson is climbing to the top, pushing his way through barbed-wire, boards and electrical current.
Steve Hebert: If only the Jews had the courage he does.
As Christ Carson is 3/4 of the way up the wall, Chris Extreme sits up, his body bloodied and battered.
Lex Robinson: Chris is up! He means business! He sees Carson climbing the wall and he's going to put an end to this! Go get him, Chris!
Steve Hebert: No! Damnit, no! Hurry, Christ!
Like a rocket, an enraged Chris Extreme climbs the cell wall, ripping flesh as he scales the side of the structure. When Carson is at the top of the cage, Chris Extreme is able to reach out with his healthy arm and grab onto him.
Lex Robinson: He's caught him! Listen to these fans roar!
Steve Hebert: No! Fuck these assholes!
Lex Robinson: Christ Carson is trying to wade him off with some kicks and stomps, but it's to no avail. He proceeds to climb up alongside the man formerly known as The Creep! Again, they are striking each other, while dangling over the top of the cage, barbed-wire jabbing into their crotch.
Steve Hebert: Ugh. It just gets worse, doesn't it?
Lex Robinson: Headaches will be aplenty, too! At the top of the cell, they are headbutting each other, cracking each other's skull against each other! Blood is spilled and Carson is disgusted with this. Dazed, he blocks a punch from Chris Extreme and goes to apply a second-attempted sleeperhold!
Steve Hebert: Yes! That'll work! Maybe it'd even break his goddamn neck, for once.
Blood splatters between the two, as they struggle for supremacy. Blocking a backhanded shot from Chris Extreme, Christ Parson grabs onto his longtime rival and positions him for an attempted suplex.
Steve Hebert: Oh my God, oh Jesus. He's going for The C.C. Bomb off the of the cage! The old C.C. Bomb! Make it happen!
Lex Robinson: No! Chris fights him off with some elbows. He grabs onto Christ Carson... they go flying through the air...! Oh my God! Cock Factor...!
Steve Hebert: No....!
Gravity works its magic and the two enemies plummet to the ground and crash into the casket, which topples over!
Steve Hebert: No, no... no!
Sliding out of the casket, Chris Extreme reaches behind him, a bloodied mess and slams the door to the casket closed!
Lex Robinson: He does it! Chris Extreme has done it! He has defeated Christ Carson!
Steve Hebert: Oh God, why? Why? Why? This is a victory for Satan. That's it. I'm remaining an atheist. Fuck this!
"Goodbye Horses" by Q Lazzarus blasts across the speakers. Chris Extreme rolls into the ring, stumbles around and looks like he just came from a massacre. The fans are on their feet, cheering loudly for Chris, having his hand raised by a referee, who slips inside.
Lex Robinson: He has done it! Chris Extreme has fought off the hypocritical fool that is Christ Carson!
Steve Hebert: These really are dark days for Sin Wrestling. No wonder Corey Page is closing this shithole down after 7 years.
Lex Robinson: In what could possibly be one of the final Sin Wrestling shows, Chris Extreme has finally out on top in his rivalry with Christ Carson.
Steve Hebert: All because he got stuck in that godawful casket. Ughhh..!
Lex Robinson: What a night it's been. Every single title has changed hands; Teresa Quaranta seems to have also wandered off with the World Title; Lee Kemp defeated Xander Gates; what a night, indeed.
Steve Hebert: [cutting in] Wait, we're getting word that Stevie Swing has found Teresa Quaranta, in the backstage area--...
Lex Robinson: Hmm...
The camera quickly cuts away. WINNER: Chris Extreme
Stevie Swing: Teresa Quaranta, you dirty Mexican cunt, where are you?!
She throws a hissyfit and looks around, her eyes darting back and forth like a cat. Pawing around, she throws some boxes around, looking underneath them, in search of Teresa.
Stevie Swing: Are you under there, whore?!
Suddenly, the sound of car tires are heard screeching!
Stevie Swing: Hey, what the--...!
In a cherry red car, Teresa Quaranta whizzes past, almost bowling over Stevie Swing. With the World Title in the passenger seat, Teresa buzzes past Stevie, waves at him and pulls out of the parking lot. Before driving away, she beeps her horn at Stevie and waves.
Stevie Swing: That's my title, you... you... you dirty Mexican cunt! Give me that! Get back here!
With a screech of tires, Teresa Quaranta pulls away, with Stevie Swing in hot pursuit.
Steve Hebert: That's mine! Get... get back here!
The image fades out, showing Stevie chasing after Teresa.
Lex Robinson: Folks, we're back... and Chris Extreme has lost his mind! This is insane!
Steve Hebert: He's gone nuts! Oh my God, he is chopping away at that casket, with Chris Carson inside!
Setting the gas can down, Chris Extreme grips the axe, hoists it above his head and takes several chops into the casket!
Steve Hebert: Goddamnit, no! He's lost his mind!
Lex Robinson: This is it! This is the bitter rivalry between these two coming to its end!
Finished chopping at the casket, Chris Extreme pours gasoline all over the casket.
Lex Robinson: He's dumping that gasoline all over Christ Carson's casket!
Steve Hebert: He can't do this!
Lex Robinson: Well, he is!
Steve Hebert: Oh God, get Carson out of there, somebody.
With a flick of a match, the casket goes up in flames, thanks to Chris Extreme igniting it! Broken Harts finally comes to an end, with a bloodied Chris Extreme standing in front of the flames, watching as the casket is ablaze. After all these years, this is how the Chris Extreme/Chris Carson rivaly ends.