DARK MATCH
Glen Hendricks vs. Limbo
Before the lights turn on in the arena, the fans in attendance are treated to a bonus match, featuring the mysterious Limbo and the newcomer, Glen Hendricks.
Limbo is out first, with "Afterlife" by Avenged Sevenfold playing. He walks out, babbling to himself and slithers into the ring, taking a spot near the corner. Out next is Glen Hendricks, who arrived to the tune of "Check My Brain" by Alice in Chains. As he enters the ring, he keeps a keen eye on Limbo, making sure there's no funny business.
Right away, the bell rings and Glen Hendricks starts off by dominating Limbo with some technical wrestling. There's a plethora of trips, legsweeps and leglocks by Glen, who does his best to try and keep Limbo down, wanting to limit his energy, also aware of Limbo's former injury.
This attack on the legs proves to be wise, as it limits Limbo to the ground, keeping him from using his speed. Glen kicks at Limbo's knees, even applying a Boston Crab, which keeps him on the ground.
It isn't until Glen fools up a Russian legsweep that Limbo takes the advantage. However, this lead is hastily aborted when Limbo is taken down with an over-shoulder spinebuster-powerbomb!
Leaning back, Glen waits for Limbo to stand. Once he does, he walks in and calmly brings him down with a reverse Russian legsweep maneuver that he calls "The Wicked"! He covers Limbo, hooking a leg...
...1...2...3!
Limbo is defeated by the newcomer, Glen Hendricks, who gets a decent applause from the crowd. Walking to the back, Hendricks slaps the hands of several fans and re-enters the backstage area.
Winner: Glen Hendricks
Horatio Q.: Ah... the naughty list. Who do we have here? Chris Carson? Yes, he's getting a lump of coal. And so is his ugly, stupid, down's syndrome-ridden kid.
He ticks off "The Creep"'s name.
Horatio Q.: Travis Miller? Yup, he gives me major douchechills. He'll get a basket of HIV.
Another ticket is given.
Horatio Q.: Who else? Mike Phantasy... faggot.
Tick!
Horatio Q.: Casanova? You go on the good list. You go on the Christmas bonus list, unlike the others.
Ticking off Casanova's name, he looks at another name.
Horatio Q.: Corey Page? That faggot dies here tonight. Sin Wrestling is officially mine tonight. No more 75%/80% ownership. That fagmo gives everything to me! That little cocksucker will blow me in that ring. I'll make this is a "Suck My Cock Match" if I have to. I am motherfucking Horatio Q.! I run this place!
Finally, he looks up, spotting the camera pointed at him.
Horatio Q.: Oh, 'ello. Welcome to my show!
Flashing a stupid, obnoxious grin, Horatio waves like an idiot.
Horatio Q.: I welcome all of you nice faggots to watch as Sin Wrestling officially becomes Horatio Wrestling. After which, I'll find my lovely Tsarmina and we will get married in this ring! And Corey Page will be forced to become janitor. Yes, he will be janitor.
His English becomes a little more disjointed due to raising his voice.
Horatio Q.: Some of you may be wondering about my actions at Numbered Days, with me having the sexual relations with Mrs. Claus. Well, I just want to say that I did not... have... sexual... relations... with... that... woman.
Topical as always, Horatio is interrupted by a knocking at his door.
Horatio Q.: Come in.
The person enters Horatio's room. Mrs. Claus enters the room, prompting Horatio to smile even more.
Horatio Q.: Why, hello, sexy lady.
Mrs. Claus: When do I fight? When do I get my revenge on Chris Extreme? You said if I had sex with you, Chris Extreme would fight me!
He tries hushing her.
Horatio Q.: No, no, no! I only have the sexual relations with Tsarmina!
Mrs. Claus: But--...
Horatio Q.: Look, stupid old woman, listen to me. You'll get your chance tonight... when you are locked inside of a shark cage, with Chris Extreme, high above the ring, during the Mike Phantasy-Casanova match. This gets Chris Extreme to fuck off during the match, allows for Casanova to beat the intestines out of Mike Phantasy, eat him -- but not in a sexual manner, like Zimdelar Brudon -- and allows you to beat up that Nazi-wannabe fucker. I know real Nazis. He's no Nazi. I grew up with Hitler, beating him up behind the school! I know that motherfucker!
Mrs. Claus stares blankly at him.
Mrs. Claus: Well, okay.
Horatio Q.: Good.
He looks towards the cameraman.
Horatio Q.: Now turn that camera off.
Putting his hand over the lens, Horatio believes the camera to be off. However, it actually remains on.
Horatio Q.: Now come here and give ol' Horatio a kiss.
As his hand covers the lens, the form of Horatio locking lips with an equally geriatric Mrs. Claus is vaguely shown on the screen, sickening everybody. Within seconds, the image fades out and How the Horatio Stole Christmas is officially underway.
Mike Phantasy: I sent that bitch, Tsarmina, to Antarctica, I sent Travis Miller to fuck, I brought Chris Extreme back from the dead. I’m the greatest, I’m the greatest. Fuck a shiny vampire and his retarded cousin, I’m the greatest.
Continuing his pacing, Mike Phantasy babbles incoherently until the current World Champion emerges in a black blazer and a white scarf, wearing a peeved expression.
Teresa Quaranta: I'm looking for Corey 'Faggot' Page.
She reaches the door, narrows her eyebrows, and tilts her head towards the door, jaw gradually slackening as the seconds passed. Mike Phantasy, meanwhile, studies the World Champion, craning his head left and right with a thoughtful expression replacing his manic one.
Teresa Quaranta: He's engaging in faggotry right now, isn't he?
Mike Phantasy: Probably.
Kneeling slightly, Mike Phantasy lifts her blazer and takes a look underneath, scratching his stubble pensively.
Mike Phantasy: Where do you keep it?
Teresa leaps backwards, tucking the already conservative outfit even tighter before sticking a finger in his general direction.
Teresa Quaranta: I came here to talk to Corey Page on his LAST NIGHT in Sin EVER, not to be accosted by a... a pervy wanker like you, Mike Phantasy! What are you even here for?
Mike stand up straight, still scratching his stubble, looking Teresa up and down.
Mike Phantasy: I am here to kill a filthy vampire and his team of monsters and creeps. Oh, and to win a World Championship, finally. Now, come on, show it to me.
With those words, Mike Phantasy approaches Teresa again, hands out and fingers wiggling in a creepy fashion. This elicits a bit of laughter from the crowd. Teresa's visibly disturbed and looking around, like there's something around that could bail her out of this all together.
Teresa Quaranta: You must have had your ponytail tied on too tight this morning, because you're not getting my World Championship! And what are you even looking for this week? The Ark of the Covenant? A diet soda that really tastes as good as the original? A fed that's looking to hire an elderly fuck with a broken spine in 2010?
Mike Phantasy is utterly unfazed, continuing with his creepy gestures and generally odd behavior. Finally growing tired of this back and forth, Mike Phantasy raises his arms and bellows.
Mike Phantasy: SHOW ME YOUR COCK, YOU GODDAMNED SASQUATCH!
With his mighty yell, Mike Phantasy pounces headlong into a retreating Teresa Quaranta, sending them both crashing into a lightpost, which crashes, knocking over a platter of decorative quiche that trips up an intern who is carrying some sort of pudding flambe - predictably, he falls on his face, sending a cloud of smoke into the hall .
And also lighting the dude's face on fire, but we don't care about that, as much.
The camera jumps back to Teresa, who has disengaged herself from Phantasy and is retightening her scarf.
Teresa Quaranta: I really hope this is some elaborate mindgame and you're not really this defective!
The door marked “Corey ‘Faggot’ Page” creaks open and out steps the minority owner of SW, “Holy Fuck” Corey Page. He is wearing a “Juicy” tracksuit with sweat stains under his arms and below his man-breasts, he is noticeably out of breath and irritated.
Corey Page: What in the name of dear Cripplemagne is going on here? What is all of this ruckus? You are interrupting my training.
Phantasy nervously looks around at the wreckage around him.
Mike Phantasy: Um... she wanted to show me her cock, but I refused and she attacked me.
Corey Page looks around... and nods.
Corey Page: Makes perfect sense.
Mike Phantasy wipes his forehead and gives an audible phew.
Mike Phantasy: Phew.
Corey Page: What was that?
Mike Phantasy: Phew.
Changing the subject quickly, Mike Phantasy eyes Corey Page warily.
Mike Phantasy: You were masturbating in there, weren’t you?
Corey Page: ...yes.
Corey Page looks at Teresa.
Corey Page: In fact, I mas masturbating to this video:
Corey turns his laptop, showing Mike and Teresa.
Corey Page: Nice tongue.
Teresa Quaranta: Ew.
Disgusted, Teresa turns and walks away, headed towards the entrance.
Mike Phantasy: Oh, all k.
Corey Page: ...and I was really looking forward to my post-masturbatory quiche and pudding.
Mike Phantasy: ...I see.
Corey Page: Which you ruined. I'm probably not even gonna have any fluids in my system for this match with Horatio. Sin Wrestling might be doomed because of you. Seriously!
Phantasy looks sad for a couple seconds before lifting an optimistic eyebrow.
Mike Phantasy: Hey, don't worry, we can fix this. You sweep up the broken glass, vacuum the stains out of here, make sure that intern gets worker's comp, beat Horatio, save the company. And I'll uh... go get you a Yoplait or something?
Phantasy dashes off before Corey can object, leaving him to look around again with a befuddled look on his face.
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be- dum bum
What’s wrong with me?
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be- dum bum
Why do I feel like this?
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be- dum bum
I’m going crazy now.
The arena goes dark again, and the fans continue to go crazy, only now their response is overwhelmingly negative. A spotlight shines onto the ramp, revealing the now famous pink glass and tissue paper vagina with its familiar silhouette.
The music kicks on again, and the spotlight is replaced by the deep red strobe from before. Stevie Swing bursts through the vagina, as Rihanna sings and the fans boo and throw their garbage at her. The Ironwoman of Sin Wrestling pays them no attention, strutting down to the ring in her moon boots and ring jacket, holding the World Title of the person she is facing tonight.
Put on your pretty lies, you're in the city of wonder
Ain't gon' play nice, watch out you might just go under
Better think twice, your train of thought will be altered
So if you must falter be wise
Your mind's in Disturbia, it's like the darkness is light
Disturbia, am I scaring you tonight?
Disturbia, ain't used to what you like
Disturbia, disturbia.
Disturbia, am I scaring you tonight?
Disturbia, ain't used to what you like
Disturbia, disturbia.
Stevie slides into the ring, popping up onto her knees at the center of it. While the crowd continues to boo at a deafening level, Stevie disrobes, revealing her attire—red bellbottom wrestling tights and a spandex halter top to match.
She dances around the ring, in a jerky style that befits her theme music, as fireworks go off behind her. When the song dies and the lights return to normal, Stevie holds the World Title in the air, celebrating in a faux-fashion, mocking her opponent.
Steve Hebert: It's the World Champion!
Lex Robinson: Hell no, not quite. The rightful World Champion is Teresa Quaranta, love her or hate her; even though many people do hate her.
Steve Hebert: How dare you. Don't you know that this is Christmas time? How dare you try and demote Stevie Swing like that!
Lex Robinson: Uh, well, she's Jewish... and, uh... we're on the air!
Steve Hebert: Oh yeah, Happy Hannukah, everyone! Merry Christmas! Joyous Kwanza! Happy Ho-Ho!
Lex Robinson: You're tuning into the godawfully named "How the Horatio Stole CHristmas"...
Steve Hebert: It's true, he did. Only a select few are getting a bonus.
Lex Robinson: --... and what a show we have! We have Ultimate Survival in our main event, in which the World Title will be defended. Not only that, but we're starting things off with a World Title match, as well!
Steve Hebert: We're opening and starting the show with World Title matches, let's get to it!
The spotlights in the arena pulsate, slowly getting dimmer with in tune to the primal opening of Arcarsenal. The video screen above the entrance lights up, showing a series of highlights and finishers intercut with static - then, with the lights down, a soft spotlight focuses on the top of the ramp as Teresa Quaranta storms through the curtain, smirking and raising a slight eyebrow at the audience. The screen flashes:
"I MUST HAVE ROBBED THEM OF THEIR CAUSE."
Teresa pauses here - and deliberately raises her hand to her neck for a few seconds, then her wrist. Once her pulse is checked, she takes a deep breath, pivots a little bit and turns to the crowd as she comes down the ropes, sticking her nose up slightly and saying some snide stuff to a couple of fans. As she reaches the ring, she rolls under the bottom rope, pops up to her feet and leans against the turnbuckle, waiting for the match to start.
Lex Robinson: The rightful World Champ is here!
Steve Hebert: And she's getting booed. How terrible.
Lex Robinson: Ironically enough, both women are getting booed. To be fair, these both vile, spiteful women.
Steve Hebert: But they're the best! You just want to give them a grudgefuck. I know I do.
Lex Robinson: Ehh, these ladies would beat the hell out of you.
Steve Hebert: Exactly!
Lex Robinson: This has been a longtime coming. Teresa won the World Title in a one-night tournament at Illusions, but after she won, Stevie Swing made a surprise return, beating the life out of her. She even took that title and has been holding it ever since.
Steve Hebert: Apparently it's all a respect issue. Stevie thinks Teresa doesn't deserve to hold it. Teresa has been trying to "gain" Stevie's respect ever since.
Lex Robinson: Yeah, in some rather unpleasant ways.
Steve Hebert: I hate to say it again, but exactly!
Lex Robinson: Cheating, beating up referees and all of that is considered earning Stevie's respect?
Steve Hebert: It is. As it should.
Lex Robinson: Well, they're finally about to square off, one-on-one. We'll see who bests the other. That World Title is on the line. The winner will officially walk out with it, under legal means, too.
The bell rings and Stevie and Teresa circle each other, keeping a keen, close eye on each other. Right away, they commence yapping at each other, trying to out-trash the other.
Lex Robinson: Mouths are running. I certainly expected this.
Teresa responds by striking with a quick slap to Stevie Swing's face!
Steve Hebert: Did you expect that, Lex?!
Lex Robinson: What a way to begin things. Stevie, of course, fires back with a slap of her own!
Steve Hebert: Teresa isn't going to take that! She replies by hammering Stevie in the face with a forearm... only to send a forearm, in response to that! These two lovely ladies are going back-and-forth.
Fighting off some shots from Stevie Swing, Teresa Quaranta applies a side-headlock, only to then be pushes against the ropes. Stevie tries to push her off, trying to free herself, only to have Teresa to retain her hold and lock the headlock in even harder.
Lex Robinson: Teresa refuses to release Stevie... and is hit with forearms to the ribcage to battle this. Squirming herself free, Stevie stands behind Teresa and dropkicks her from behind, knocking her into the ropes. Stevie jumps up... goes for a hip-toss... but Teresa grounds herself!
Steve Hebert: Hah! Nice job, Teresa! She even twists around and goes for a hip-toss of her own... but Stevie stops it, this time! Good job by both ladies, thus far.
Lex Robinson: Thinking fast, Stevie knees Teresa in the gut, bends her over, places her left leg over Teresa's head and neck region...
Teresa explodes upward, making Stevie do a complete 360 degree backflip, landing safely on her feet.
Lex Roboinson: ...but Teresa pushes Stevie up and away... and connects with a stiff clothesline as Stevie lands on her feet!
Steve Hebert: Nice! Stevie didn't see that coming, whatsoever.
Going right back to work, Teresa kicks and stomps at Stevie, delivering some shots to Stevie's head. Lifting her up, Teresa shoves Stevie against the ropes, nailing her with some stiff chops and forearms.
Lex Robinson: Teresa Irish-whips Stevie across the ring and then ducks down, looking for a backdrop. Here comes Stevie... who jumps over Teresa, bounces off the original set of ropes and comes storming back with a leaping hurricanrana to Teresa, taking her completely off her feet!
Steve Hebert: Stevie jumps up... and is immediately booed by the fans. They have zero respect. Listen to this awful shit.
Lex Robinson: She ignores them--...
Steve Hebert: Thankfully so.
Lex Robinson: She goes right for Teresa, giving her some kicks and stomps, this time. Cornering her, Stevie boots her some more, only to then lift her up and try to sit her on the top rope.
Steve Hebert: Teresa, of course, responds by forcefully thrusting a chop onto Stevie's shoulder and neck area! Just like some sort of rabbit chop. That'd kill a motherfucker, you know, Lex.
As Stevie stumbles back, holding her neck and shoulder, Teresa darts out of the corner, trying to hit Stevie with a forearm. Seeing this, Stevie immediately ducks down, motions behind Teresa, reaches down, grabs her ankles and tries to trip her.
Lex Robinson: Trying to trip Teresa, Stevie is quickly struck with an elbow to the head!
Steve Hebert: Another smart, quick move from Teresa. Stevie has been temporarily dazed.
Lex Robinson: Teresa grabs Stevie and whips her into the ropes... but the whip is reversed!
Steve Hebert: Uh oh...
Lex Robinson: Teresa bounces off the ropes, rebounding towards Stevie Swing, who leapfrogs up and over her, sending Teresa into the next set of ropes! She comes storming back... and Stevie looks over her left shoulder and leapfrogs again! Teresa goes right for the next set of ropes, with Stevie shooting her feet at her, hoping to connect with a crisp dropkick...
Steve Hebert: Teresa hangs onto the ropes, though! Stevie falls onto the mat! Wasting no time, Teresa grabs both of Stevie's legs and rolls onto her...
Lex Robinson: It's a jackknife-rollup pinfall...
The referee counts...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: No! Stevie bridges her way up! With Teresa held close to her, Stevie tries to backslide Teresa...!
Steve Hebert: No! Teresa uses her strength to stay on her feet, instead attempting to backslide Stevie...
Lex Robinson: Stevie flips backward, over Teresa, landing on her feet. Hooking onto Teresa's face, Stevie moves into the corner, climbs the turnbuckles... and swings out -- no pun intended.
Steve Hebert: Har har.
Lex Robinson: However, Teresa stops the flow of the DDT... opting to push Stevie off her, throwing her across the ring!
Steve Hebert: That's how you stop that, I guess.
After being dropped on her face, Stevie slowly pushes her way up to a kneeling position. Just as Teresa sees this, she rockets forward, connecting with a Shining Wizard onto Stevie, driving a knee into her face!
Lex Robinson: Stevie Swing just got rocked harder than that girl from Jersey Shore!
Steve Hebert: Teresa is going for the cover, now, too!
Teresa hooks a leg, while the referee counts...
...1...
Lex Robinson: One... two...
...
Lex Robinson: Stevie is able to kickout at the count of two!
Steve Hebert: Holy tits. Even for this early portion of the match, Stevie Swing was barely able to kickout. I think it may have caught her off-guard... or just knocked her silly.
Lex Robinson: Annoyed by the lack of a three-count, Teresa plucks Stevie to her feet and proceeds to give Stevie some repeated kneelifts, making Stevie stumble back, holding her nose. When she turns around, Teresa goes for a roaring-elbow...
Steve Hebert: Stevie ducks... and goes for a kick of her own!
Lex Robinson: Teresa catches Stevie's foot and spins her around. Right away, Teresa belly-to-belly suplexes Stevie overhead, sending her flying across the ring! Maybe now Stevie will respect Teresa a little more.
Steve Hebert: Especially now that Teresa has nearly re-arranged her nose.
Teresa immediately follows after Stevie, dropping a few knees across her. Grabbing a handful of hair, she lifts Stevie up, puts her arm around her neck and then snap-suplexes her, allowing her to roll straight over, making a quick cover...
Steve Hebert: Teresa with the fast cover...
The count is made by the referee...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: Just as the referee strikes the mat for a second time, Stevie rolls onto her side, stopping the count.
Steve Hebert: Despite her attempts at a fast pinfall, it's going to take a lot more to keep Stevie down. This is the same woman that took Morgana to the edge... physically, emotionally... probably even sexually, if my dreams are accurate.
Not allowing Stevie to rise, Teresa is quick on her, striking her with some lightning-fast kicks to both Stevie's chest and back. Pulling the Stevie to her feet, the current World Champ receives a ton of jeers as she mocks the crowd.
Steve Hebert: And now they're jeering Teresa! What boobs... such awful ingrates. They make me vomit. In fact, I think I will, Lex. I think I will.
Lex Robinson: Don't you dare.
Nailing a stiff headbutt to Stevie's nose, Teresa joyfully watches as her rival tiptoes into the corner, using her hand to try and help her. Following in, Teresa delivers some more knees and kicks to Stevie, cornering her against the turnbuckles.
Lex Robinson: So far, Teresa Quaranta is all over Stevie Swing.
Steve Hebert: They need some hot, hot scissoring action, I say. Teresa Quarantits needs to sit on Stevie's face, smothering her. Just give her a face full of clit.
Lex Robinson: You wish, Steve.
Steve Hebert: I really do. Sure, Teresa may be hammering Stevie in the corner with some fists; but a faceful of clit would make things so much better for everyone invboved. You just know Stevie would love it.
Keeping Stevie cornered, Teresa nails a swift spinning-elbow to Stevie's nose, dropping her on her rear end! Delivering some kicks and stomps to Stevie's face, Teresa finally decides to rake at Stevie's face with her boot.
Steve Hebert: Scraping her boot across Stevie's face, Teresa almost seems to promise that more is come. Quite frankly, if things get any more intense, I will come, as well.
Lex Robinson: Enough. We get it. Sheesh.
Steve Hebert: Fine!
Lex Robinson: After those repeated stomps, Teresa rushes into the adjacent set of ropes and returns at full speed, delivering a vicious running boot-scrape to the face! Jesus!
Steve Hebert: Right in the nose and kisser... the pucker... the lips!
Lex Robinson: Thanks to that hellacious shot to the nose, Stevie hangs halfway out of the ring, over the bottom rope, with a tiny trickle of blood spilling from her nose. What makes matters even worse for her, is that Teresa doesn't relent.
Exiting the ring, Teresa walks around the ring, listening to the jeers from the fans. Out here, she grabs onto Stevie's hair, hoists her head off the apron and then slams it down!
Steve Hebert: Ye--ouch!
Lex Robinson: Stevie has her face plastered against the ring apron! Goddamn!
As she hangs out of the ring, Stevie is blasted with a running-elbow, which Teresa follows with a European uppercut!
Steve Hebert: Stevie is blasted with another shot! And there's nothing sexual about that, this time.
Lex Robinson: It was a totally unprotected shot, too.
Steve Hebert: Yup. Tiger Woods gave his share of unprotected shots, too. To various models and porn stars.
Lex Robinson: Don't insult Tiger and his giant teeth.
Steve Hebert: Those chompers are fucking huge. I can't help it. And he probably has AIDS, much like Chris Extreme.
Lex Robinson: Jumping onto the apron, leaving Stevie halfway hanging out of the ring, Teresa measures Stevie up. She's going to drop something across her face...
Steve Hebert: A log of shit. Let it be a log of shit! A Hannukah log. Stevie would love it. She loves the shit. She's Jewish, so of course she does. She loves logs of shit and money.
Lex Robinson: And owning the World Title, too. Considering how she wouldn't even give the title back.
Steve Hebert: Stevie says Teresa hasn't earned her respect and that she doesn't deserve the title. There's nothing wrong with that.
Lex Robinson: She won the World Title on her very first night, though! Don't you think that's a pretty big achievement?
Steve Hebert: Hey, I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm just repeating what Stevie said!
Running across the apron, Teresa gives Stevie another kneedrop, landing straight across the bridhge of Stevie's nose, damaging it even further.
Steve Hebert: Stevie's poor Jew nose is bleeding all over the place, now.
Allowing Stevie to crawl fully back into the ring, Teresa climbs inside, as well, following after her. In swift motion, she churns towards Stevie, kicking her in the temple, wishing to dizzy her and continue damaging her head/skull area. Picking Stevie up, Teresa puts her into a suplex position and hoists her into the air...
Lex Robinson: Brainbuster by Teresa! Stevie Swing has been dropped on her head! Before going for the pinfall, Teresa hammers Stevie with some tough fists and forearms to the skull!
Steve Hebert: Now the pinfall is made...!
The referee makes the count...
...1...2...
Steve Hebert: Stevie kicks out, yet again!
Lex Robinson: Aware of her involvement in Ultimate Survival, Teresa tries to get the quick pinfall, hoping to reserve energy. Annoyed, she applies a reverse-chinlock, hoping to wear Stevie down, even applying more pressure by digging her knee into Stevie's back.
Steve Hebert: She soon lays Stevie down, onto her back... and then drops another knee across the bridge of Stevie's possibly broken nose! Her nose is bleeding worse than her vagina, Lex.
Lex Robinson: Disgusting.
Teresa lifts Stevie up, snap mares her to the canvas, kicks her in the lower back, grabs her by the head and lifts her back up, yet again. Delivering a second snap mare, Teresa connects with a stiff kick to Stevie's face, laying her on her back, once more.
Steve Hebert: Teresa is just working over Stevie's face! There's blood running out of her nostrils and into her mouth. If this gets any closer, we're going to have some lolligagging.
Lex Robinson: She strikes Stevie with some horrifyingly brutal kicks to the face, even stomping at her. She aims at her, looking for another shot... but Stevie catches her foot, stopping the blow! This could be what Stevie needs...
Standing to her feet, Stevie holds onto Teresa's foot, making her hop on one foot. Stepping over Teresa's leg, Stevie connects with a spin kick and then pops right back up. As Teresa jumps back up, as well, Stevie bounces off the ropes and runs at her, going for a tilt-a-whirl headscissors takedown...
Lex Robinson: Stevie headscissors around the World Champ... but is unable to take her down! Teresa remains on her feet... with Stevie making a complete rotation, applying a guillotine-headlock submission, while her legs scissor around Teresa's waist!
Steve Hebert: Uh oh. This came out of nowhere! I thought Teresa had reversed the tilt-a-whirl into a move of her own, but obviously not. This big bitch is now at the mercy of Stevie, who has a firm grip of her head.
Lex Robinson: Teresa's fighting back, though. She nails Stevie with some porkchop-like fists to the ribcage. When she finds she has Stevie weakened enough, Teresa is able to power her way out of it... and hit a Northern Lights suplex!
Steve Hebert: It's bridged into a pinfall, too!
Of course, the referee counts...
...1...2...
Steve Hebert: Stevie Swing kicks out, just in time! She was almost caught by surprised with that. One minute she had the submission locked in, the next minute, she didn't. She was flat on her back, to be even more frank. Just like an ol' frigid whorebag.
The first person to rise is Teresa Quaranta, who hops to her feet and connects with a running boot to the nose of Stevie Swing, snapping her head sideways!
Lex Robinson: Once again, Teresa was hoping for a quick pinfall. And once more, Stevie puts an end to that.
Steve Hebert: Of course. She's Stevie fuckin' Swing.
Lex Robinson: Well, right now, her face is being grinded into the mat by Teresa Quaranta, who now lifts her up and front-facelocks her. Delivering some kneelifts, Teresa soon tranfers the hold into a double-armlock from behind...
Using all of her strength, Teresa sends Stevie flying with a Tiger Suplex!
Lex Robinson: The momentum of that suplex drops Stevie on her head, making her roll straight up to her feet! Teresa charges at Stevie, somersaulting at her...
Both of Teresa's legs smack against Stevie's upper-body/facial region, taking her completely down! Jumping up, Teresa lifts Stevie back up, yanks her up onto her shoulders and then charges into the corner, smashing her against the turnbuckle pads!
Lex Robinson: Stevie is getting the life knocked right out of her! She's now being positioned on the top rope...
Steve Hebert: She'll fight back. I know it. I promise it.
Lex Robinson: Maybe. We'll have to see. As of now, things are not looking good.
Climbing up alongside Stevie, Teresa hammers her with some elbows, keeping her in place. Not once does Stevie budge, as Teresa is able to easily and calmly lift her onto her shoulders, with a fireman's carry.
Steve Hebert: Oh God... Teresa's going to kill Stevie...! Don't kill my poor, wonderful Stevie. Please...
Lex Robinson: Stevie's fighting back, though!
Steve Hebert: Oh, goodie.
Lex Robinson: She blasts away at Teresa's head, nailing her with some elbows to the side of her skull! She even combines these shots with knees to the head!
Steve Hebert: Teresa is dizzy, now...
Free from Teresa's grasps, Stevie stands next to her opponent. With blood pouring down her nose, Stevie lifts Teresa onto her shoulders, in a standing fireman's carry position, while standing on the middle rope.
Lex Robinson: Stevie jumps off the rope... she hits the "Go to Fuck"! That's one of her moves!
Steve Hebert: She did it! She's going to become the champ!
Lex Robinson: Both Stevie and Teresa are out, though! Once Stevie lands, she collapses on the canvas, right next to Teresa.
Steve Hebert: She's wasting precious seconds!
The fans are in a frenzy, thinking Stevie has the match won. Slowly, she rolls over, placing her left arm across Teresa's chest, getting the pinfall.
Steve Hebert: The cover is made...!
The referee counts...
...1...2...
Teresa reaches out and grabs onto the bottom rope!
Lex Robinson: No!
Steve Hebert: She keeps the match going!
Lex Robinson: Stevie, having felt the brunt of damage, so far, is slow to rise, giving Teresa the chance to stand, trying to re-adjust her face.
Steve Hebert: Can't these two just hug and get it over with?! I'm not liking these two sweet, nice women beating each other up.
Lex Robinson: "Sweet and nice" is the absolute last thing to call these two.
Steve Hebert: Don't be a hater.
Able to strike first, Teresa kicks Stevie in the face, hovers over her and pulls her to her feet. Up here, Teresa goes back-and-forth, striking with various kicks, hoping to end with a Roundhouse Kick... only to have Stevie duck it!
Lex Robinson: Stevie ducks the kick...! She rolls Teresa up, using a schoolboy...!
Steve Hebert: Stevie Swing is molesting a schoolboy!
As Stevie pushes down, the referee begins his count...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...
...
Steve Hebert: No! Teresa pushes her way out! God love her soul.
Startled, Teresa jumps to her feet and strikes with a running-forearm to the face of Stevie Swing, cornering her. In here, Teresa hits some back-elbows and then some charging shoulderblocks to the gut, keeping Stevie immobile.
Lex Robinson: Teresa keeps Stevie grounded by grinding her into the turnbuckles, even plastering her face off the top turnbuckle several times. Turning her around, she Irish-whips Stevie into the opposite corner...
Steve Hebert: She's running behind her...
As Stevie runs forward, she uses the top rope to push herself into the air, going up-and-over the adjacent top rope, resulting in Teresa avalanching into the corner!
Steve Hebert: Colossal miss by Teresa!
Lex Robinson: Stevie stands on the apron, watching as Teresa Quaranta has a glazed look on her face. She springboards off the top rope, flies through the air and lands on Teresa's shoulders, going for a hurricanrana...!
Steve Hebert: Teresa catches her, though!
Struggling to stand, Teresa steps forward, looking to powerbomb Stevie, who hangs on. The duo stumble towards the ropes, with Stevie giving Teresa a hurricanrana over the top rope -- all the way to the floor!
Lex Robinson: They spill to the outside! Stevie quickly rolls back into the ring, gets to her feet and watches as Teresa rises on the floor. Within seconds, Stevie charges ahead, like a Stormtrooper.
Steve Hebert: This is fucking Star Wars!
Lex Robinson: Stevie with a sit-down, baseball-slide dropkick to Teresa, just as she turns around!
Steve Hebert: Teresa is sent spilling over the steel railing, falling into the front row. Ewww, don't let those ugly, putrid fans touch her.
Lex Robinson: That shot to the face literally sent Teresa flying! Now what's Stevie up to? She's positioning herself near the ropes, inside of the ring, watching as Teresa rises, being surrounded by a bunch of rowdy Newfoundland fans.
Steve Hebert: The smell of fish is going to overwhelm her.
Lex Robinson: Just wait until Stevie sits on her face...
Again, Stevie uses the top rope as a springboard, hurling herself through the air!
Lex Robinson: She somersaults in mid-air...
Steve Hebert: Stevie Swing takes out the entire first row, including Teresa Quarantits! Bodies are everywhere! It's worse than Robert Pickton's farm! Someone hand me a dildo gun!
Lex Robinson: There's craziness all over.
Out here, Stevie and Teresa slowly rise to their feet, only to be horded by the fans, who shoving and push at them. Not liking this, whatsoever, Teresa and Stevie begin brawling with the fans.
Lex Robinson: Hey, whoa... wait!
Stevie takes one male fan and forearms him, dropping him to the ground!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Best thing, ever!
Next, Teresa backfists another teenage male fan, dropping him, as well!
Lex Robinson: This is not supposed to happen!
Steve Hebert: Kill 'em! Fucking kill 'em!
Lex Robinson: Fans are not supposed to get involved, but Stevie and Teresa started this...
Steve Hebert: Say what?! It was these stupid fans that touched them! They have no right.
Two more fans grab onto Stevie and she responds by striking both of them, which accidentally knocks a child over, prompting more people to jump in and try to fight.
Lex Robinson: Oh my God... this is not good! Get security here!
Steve Hebert: Hell no, let 'em get the shit beat out of them!
Teresa and Stevie almost join forces in attacking random fans, trying to hold them back. Eventually, security guards step in, holding some outraged fans back.
Lex Robinson: Stevie punches a random black fan in the face! Oh no!
At the same time, Teresa takes a cane from a crippled fan and is about to smash it into Stevie. However, another fan interjects... only to be cracked in the jaw with the fan!
Lex Robinson: Oh my God, this is insane!
Steve Hebert: Horatio Q. is gonna have to pay for that!
Lex Robinson: Get them back in the ring, for the love of God!
Some more fans jump into the fray. Eventually, there's a giant riot in the front row, with the security guards being barely able to hold the fans back. When Teresa and Stevie turn back around to face each other, they instantly attack each other, as if nothing had occured!
Lex Robinson: Amidst all of this, Stevie and Teresa go back to work, beating the hell out of each other.
Steve Hebert: Teresa with a slap across Stevie's face... Teresa is struck with a punch from Stevie... and now Teresa is hitting Stevie with some forearms! This is going back-and-forth!
A random fan breaks through the security guards, only to be decked by both Stevie and Teresa!
Steve Hebert: Haha. Oh Jesus, down goes that fan!
Lex Robinson: Oh my God, get more security out here!
Again, Stevie and Teresa turn towards each other, going back to attacking each other. Teresa knees Stevie in the gut and grabs her by the hair, only to have Stevie push her backwards, resulting in both of them tumbling over the guardrail. The referee is forced to try and get them back in the ring, fearing any more fan brawling.
Steve Hebert: Yes, get them away from the fans before they kill them all. It's bound to happen.
Lex Robinson: Emotions seem to have been riled.
Steve Hebert: You think? We have a godforsaken brawl out here!
At almost the same time, a bloody Stevie and Teresa roll back into the ring. In here, they exchange various shots, with Teresa coming out on top, thanks to her striking experience.
Lex Robinson: The two women are back in the ring. Teresa takes control again, using her striking experience to her advantage. Delivering a spin-kick to Stevie's stomach, Teresa grabs Stevie's hair and goes to smash her face off the turnbuckle pads.
Steve Hebert: No! Stevie places her foot on the middle turnbuckle, stopping the blow. Instead, she elbows Teresa in the face, grabs her head, instead, and bashes her face off the top buckle! Smart move!
Lex Robinson: In here, Stevie figuratively explodes on Teresa, nailing her with a series of strikes, seeing her hit multiple kicks, punches and stomps! When she's finished, Stevie steps into the center of the ring, rubs some blood out of her nose... and ducks...!
A random fan breaks through security and slides inside. This man goes directly after Stevie Swing.
Lex Robinson: Stevie ducks underneath a punch from that fan! Bam! Last Dance to that fan!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Take that, you idiot fan!
Lex Robinson: Almost having his face kicked in, the referee rolls the fan out of the ring, allowing more security guards to come down and arrest him. Fans, it's never wise to get in the ring.
Steve Hebert: Especially when these two broads are in there!
Lex Robinson: It's craziness. These fans are rabid, just wanting to get in there and attack both of them.
Sensing Stevie with her back turned, Teresa wobbles out of the corner, comes from behind on her opponent, applies a half-nelson and hoists Stevie into the air. Twisting Stevie, she then drops her across her right knee with a half-nelson into a backbreaker!
Lex Robinson: Teresa attacks from behind! She makes the cover!
The referee makes the count, scared of any more fan resistance...
Lex Robinson: The count is made...!
...1...2...
Steve Hebert: Teresa's going to do it...
...
Lex Robinson: No! Stevie kicks out, yet again!
Dozens of more security guards have arrived, holding angry fans back, letting Stevie and Teresa continue their match.
Lex Robinson: She can't believe it. She firmly believes she had Stevie beaten.
Steve Hebert: Not quite!
Lex Robinson: Bending over, Teresa goes to lift Stevie up...
Steve Hebert: Wait--...! Stevie inside-cradles her!
Using a small-package, Stevie rolls Teresa up, making the referee start his count...
...1...
Lex Robinson: One...!
...2...
Lex Robinson: Two...!
...
Steve Hebert: It's reversed! Teresa is going for the cover, now! Holy crap!
Seeing them roll in another direction, the referee now counts for Teresa...
...1...
Lex Robinson: One...!
...2...
Lex Robinson: Two...!
...
Steve Hebert: Now Stevie reverses it!
Lex Robinson: The original cradle is on Teresa...!
Once more, the referee changes his count...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two... she has her...!
...
Steve Hebert: Teresa uses her leg strength to kick out! Oh man, that was so goddamn close.
The World Champ is up to her feet first. Before Stevie can stand, she grabs her, nails her in the gut with a swift kick and then simply kicks her in the right kneecap!
Lex Robinson: Oof.
Taking hold of Stevie's hair, Teresa sends rapid-fire kicks to her face, only to finish off with a swinging legsweep, connecting against the same damage right knee!
Lex Robinson: Stevie Swing is flipped onto her back!
Steve Hebert: She had her legs swept out from beneath her. Just like the time Morgana laid her eyes on Stevie.
Lex Robinson: Uhm... no. Like a maniac, Teresa kicks and stomps away at Stevie's right leg, focusing mainly on the kneecap. Taking a page out of Stevie's own book, she performs the "Dancing Toe Hold", mocking Stevie!
Steve Hebert: You just know that pisses Stevie off.
Lex Robinson: If she's not too busy worrying about her leg, that is.
Steve Hebert: Teresa goes knee-to-knee with Stevie, rendering her useless. Bar that knee, Teresa, make Stevie show you respect, for a change!
This lull in the action allows the security guards to temporarily calm the audience, as they surround the ringside barriers, disabling anyone from climbing over them.
Lex Robinson: As Teresa twists Stevie's leg around her own, she reaches upward and slaps Stevie in the face, surely enraging her.
Steve Hebert: Uh oh. You better be careful, Teresa. You don't want to get cocky.
Lex Robinson: It could very well lead to her downfall, if she's not careful. She walked in here with the the Wor-- oh, what am I saying? Stevie had the damn title stolen from Teresa.
Steve Hebert: She was keeping it warm!
Lex Robinson: Yeah, I'm sure. Having some of Stevie's blood on her hand, Teresa wipes it off, across Stevie's chest, leaving a bloody streak across her breasts.
Steve Hebert: She's fingerpainting on Stevie's tits. That's so sexy.
Teresa stands, grabbing Stevie's right leg and trying to turn her over for a single-leg Boston Crab. However, Stevie squirms and struggles, not wanting to be put into a bad position.
Steve Hebert: Thankfully, Stevie is able to move towards the ropes, reaching out and clasping on to the bottom one. Teresa tries to pry her away, though... only to be blasted with Stevie's left foot!
Lex Robinson: Quick, smart move by Stevie, who rolls to the floor, holding her right leg. Washing some of the blood out of her nose, trying to keep her breathing steady, Stevie is well-aware of an incoming attack from Teresa, as she climbs onto the ring...
Looking to charging-shoulderblock Stevie off the apron, Teresa ducks down. At the right time, Stevie side-steps the attack and then slingshots herself back into the ring, rolling Teresa up with a sunset-flip...
Lex Robinson: Stevie leaps from the apron -- to the inside! The sunset-flip is made...!
The referee drops down and makes the count...
...1...2...
Steve Hebert: But Teresa rolls backward, escaping from the attempted sunset-flip! Not only that, but she grabs Stevie's leg!
Lex Robinson: Again, though, Stevie hangs onto the ropes. With great strength, Teresa yanks on Stevie, trying to get her to her feet. However, the force pulls Stevie into the air, allowing her to flip around and land safely on her feet, damaged leg and all!
Steve Hebert: Uh oh...!
Lex Robinson: "The Last Dance"!
Just as Stevie lands, she quickly connects with The Last Dance, out of nowhere!
Steve Hebert: But she didn't get a good kick! It was the same injured leg that Teresa was working on!
Lex Robinson: Nevertheless, Stevie falls atop Teresa, making the cover...
The referee counts...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...
...
Steve Hebert: Teresa gets her shoulder up!
Lex Robinson: The fans are getting riled up, again.
Steve Hebert: Uh oh. They're pushing harder and harder against security. They want to get in.
Due to the damage on her right leg, it takes Stevie a while to stand. Luckily for her, she's able to rise before Teresa, who is shaking her head, trying to clear the cobwebs out, having eaten a weak Last Dance superkick.
Lex Robinson: That kick may have been weaker, but it still did damage, as apparent by Teresa's slow rising. Stevie leans against the corner, adjusting her leg, trying to regain feeling in it. Noticing that Teresa is taking some time to stand, Stevie climbs out onto the apron and ascends to the top turnbuckle.
\ Steve Hebert: Oh, here we go...
Lex Robinson: Flying crossbody by Stevie Swing!
The flying crossbody takes Teresa down, but she is able to roll through, enabling her to rise to her feet, while holding Stevie in her arms. In a matter of seconds, she swings Stevie out, driving her to the canvas with a side-walk slam, which she instantly uses to convert into a crucific-armbar submission!
Lex Robinson: Teresa is able to reverse the crossbody! After driving Stevie to the canvas, she now successfully applies a crucifix armbar!
Steve Hebert: It's a last-ditch effort kind of thing! She's tried to wear down Stevie's legs... tried to beat her face in... and now it's down to her arms. She may as well break every single bone in Stevie's body!
Teresa clings tightly, refusing to release the hold, with Stevie fighting her off. Squirming back and forth, Stevie rolls onto her side, trying to release the hold on her arm, finding it difficult to rise, thanks to the damage done to her right leg.
Lex Robinson: Teresa is going to break Stevie's arm!
Steve Hebert: See? She's going to break every single bone!
Lex Robinson: Trying to fight it off, Stevie rolls about, unable to fully rise, but the hold is kept locked on! Shouts of pain are emitted from Teresa, who moans out loud, trying to force Stevie into a submission! If she does this, she keeps the title -- for real, this time, too!
Steve Hebert: And they still have to wrestle in the main event, too!
Lex Robinson: I totally forgot about that! The World Title even has to be defended there, too! One has to wonder how all of this will fit into things?!
Steve Hebert: Fortunately, it's not boding well for Chris Carson's team, as Teresa is refusing to release Stevie's arm!
Thrashing about, Stevie gets to a kneeling position... only to shift her weight onto Teresa!
Steve Hebert: Wait... wait...! Stevie rolls Teresa up, while having her arm still locked!
Lex Robinson: My god, you're right. This might be it!
The referee drops down, making the cover...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: No! Teresa Quaranta is forced to release her crucifix armbar and kick out! Stevie makes her break it!
Steve Hebert: She's lucky, because Teresa was willing to break her arm.
Lex Robinson: It's also the first time that hold has been broken -- ever!
Steve Hebert: Stevie was able to squirm and maneuver her way into an opening. They're both standing, now, though, with Teresa using the ropes to help her stand. Stevie, on the other hand, is finding it troublesome to rise. Quite frankly, with the damage she's sustained, I don't blame her. Knowing me, I would just lay on my fat carcass until the match is over. Fortunately, Stevie Swing is the bravest... baddest... great woman to grace the ring, ever.
Lex Robinson: Uh...
Steve Hebert: When Teresa realizes Stevie is up, she dashes forward... and what, Lex?
Lex Robinson: Nothing, nothing.
Steve Hebert: Oh shit, Stevie even ducks a running-clothesline attempt! Stevie spins around...
Out of nowhere, Stevie spits rest mist into Teresa Quaranta's eyes!
Lex Robinson: Red mist to the eyes! We haven't seen that in years!
Steve Hebert: Wait... is that legal?! What the hell?!
Lex Robinson: The referee seen it, but has no idea how to respond. I don't think he even knows.
Steve Hebert: Someone get Horatio out here!
Bumbling around, Teresa rubs at her eyes, temporarily blinded. This allows for Stevie to come up from behind, hook onto both of Teresa's arms... and then Vertebreaker her!
Lex Robinson: Holy cow! Vertebreaker!
Steve Hebert: I can't believe she hit it! Standing up, Stevie moves into the corner and climbs to the top rope! This could be it!
Lex Robinson: This could be the Five Star Frog Splash! We've seen her hit this several times!
From beneath her tights, Stevie pulls out a Yamaka and places it on her head. The fans in attendance become riled up, prompting the security to tighten up.
Steve Hebert: This could be it...
Leaping across the ring, Stevie goes for her version of a Frog Splash...
Lex Robinson: Teresa rolls out of the way! Wow!
Steve Hebert: I haven't seen a meltdown like that since the Holocaust!
Having rolled into the corner, Teresa uses the ropes to help her stand, becoming more exasperated. Looking across the ring, she sees Stevie holding her face, barely able to stand. Walking towards Stevie, Teresa is flabbergasted when Stevie strikes with a stiff uppercut, followed by a blistering slap across the face.
Steve Hebert: I think one of Teresa's teeth just flew into the fans!
Lex Robinson: Don't incite them any moreso. Security is struggling to hold them back enough as it is.
Steve Hebert: Just let 'em go. Let Teresa and Stevie destroy them.
Briefly holding her face, as if shocked, Teresa retaliates by slapping Stevie... who then slaps back, returning the fight! The two ladies stand in the center of the ring, trying to out-slap and out-punch the other.
Steve Hebert: Going tit-for-tat, these ladies are trying to upstage the other. This is getting ridiculous. Stevie with a slap... Teresa slaps back... Stevie with a chop... and Teresa chops back!
Lex Robinson: With her chest, arm, leg, face and body stinging, Stevie fires back with a strong uppercut! With no other choice, Teresa goes for a roaring-elbow... but it is ducked! Stevie with the Last Dance...!
Steve Hebert: ...No! Teresa grabs her foot, pulls her in and goes for a half-nelson belly-to-belly suplex!
Shouting wildly, the fans are on their feet -- some are angered, others are watching this great display, watching Stevie strike Teresa with elbows to the back of the head! Grabbing onto Teresa, Stevie hits a jumping-DDT, planting Teresa's skull directly into the canvas!
Lex Robinson: Stevie Swing has driven Teresa's skull into the canvas! What a reversal of fortune! Standing up, Stevie gives several kicks to Teresa and slowly walks into the corner. Feeling pain throughout her body, including her legs, it takes Stevie several seconds to climb to the top rope, but she does it. She leaps off...
Steve Hebert: Augh... she missed the last time!
Lex Robinson: 450 degree splash! She hits it! This time, she hits it!
Steve Hebert: She's hooking a leg!
...1...
Lex Robinson: One...!
...2...
Lex Robinson: Two...!
...
Steve Hebert: Holy Jesus, no! Teresa Quaranta places her right foot on the bottom rope! Stevie can't believe it! The referee can't believe it. The fans can't believe it. Goddamnit, I don't think I even believe it!
Lex Robinson: These fans are itching to get at both of these ladies. Despite that, they're putting quite a show. And this is just the opening match!
Red liquid remains on Teresa's face, still there thanks to the spit in the face from Stevie. Laying prone, Teresa is easy prey for a slow motioning Stevie, who performs his Dancing Toe Hold, getting revenge on Teresa's acts from earlier.
Lex Robinson: Stevie with the Dancing Toe Hold. This could be it!
As Stevie spins, hovering over Teresa, she remains unaware of Teresa kicking her in the rear-end, pushing her into the turnbuckles.
Steve Hebert: Hell no, Teresa frees herself! She kicks Stevie into the corner, smashing him against the turnbuckles... rolling him up from behind, as he stumbles out!
The referee counts...
Lex Robinson: Here we go, again...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: Yet again, Stevie Swing kicks out!
Popping up after the failure of the count, Teresa connects with a running-knee to the side of Stevie's skull, dropping him like a sack of bricks!
Lex Robinson: Bam! Down goes Stevie!
Steve Hebert: She wasted no time in hitting that! Laid out, in the ring, Stevie Swing is still slightly bleeding from the mouth, feeling the pain surge all over her body. Making a throat-slash signal, our rightful World Champ walks into the corner, steps out onto the apron and climbs to the top rope. This is it. This has to be it, Lex. If Stevie doesn't move, this could be over. Her chances to become the new World Champion could be over right here, right now.
Lex Robinson: She's on the top rope...
Just as both of Teresa's feet stand on the top turnbuckle, a delirious Stevie Swing stands to her feet, vaguely aware of her surroundings. Sensing danger, she charges in, nailing The Last Dance to Teresa, who is on the top rope!
Lex Robinson: Oooh! The Last Dance! Teresa Quaranta is crotched on the top rope!
Steve Hebert: Speaking of blindsides, Teresa didn't see that coming! I think she was going up-top to hit that flying knee she uses, which would have definitely put an end to things. But now... now things are not looking good for her, at all!
Lex Robinson: Slightly aloof, Stevie climbs up with Teresa. She lifts her on her shoulders, with a standing fireman's carry. Like a photo from earlier, Stevie leaps off the top rope...
Steve Hebert: "Go to Fuck"; part deux! That's the second time she's hit that!
Lex Robinson: She used her other leg to hit "The Last Dance", allowing her to crotch Teresa, only to second that with the... uh... well... "Go to Fuck"! Stevie makes the cover!
As always, the referee makes the count...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two... and...
...3!
Lex Robinson: ...three!
Steve Hebert: She does it! Stevie Swing has done it! Once again, she has become the new Sin Wrestling World Champion!
Lex Robinson: But at what cost?! Both of these ladies are in tonight's main event! Stevie took quite the beating in this opening match. How can she be able to continue?! And how will Teresa losing the title affect her psyche? So many questions!
Steve Hebert: Hey, Stevie has officially earned the right to carry that title. Just let it sink in for a few minutes.
Lex Robinson: For all we know, her reign may not last an entire day.
Steve Hebert: Don't say such awful things.
After the match, a disgruntled fan makes his way past past security and slides into the ring.
Lex Robinson: Oh God, not this again.
Stevie hits the Last Dance on the fan, sending him sprawling out of the ring!
Steve Hebert: So much for that!
After the match, Stevie holds the World Title, which she now rightfully owns, high in the air. Tons of jeers rain on her, while Teresa Quaranta groggily rises, trying to comprehend what just occured.
Lex Robinson: What a match. Great wrestler, some brawling, striking... rioting by the fans; wrestlers fighting with the fans. My God. And to think... this is just the opening match!
The referee goes to hold Stevie's arm in the air, but she pulls away, happy to officially "own" the World Title. Turning around, she views a distressed Teresa Quaranta, who slowly ascends, not happy about her loss.
Steve Hebert: Teresa will live to fight another day. Besides, who else can claim they won the World Title in their very first night with the company? Certainly not the poster boy for 'roid rage, Shaku Endbringer. Not even Chris Carson. Teresa Quaranta is the real deal.
As the music slightly fades out, Teresa and Stevie go face-to-face in the center of the ring. Stevie wraps the title around her waist, giving Teresa a knowing, respect laden nod. Nodding her own head, Teresa nods, as well, which receives great resentment from the fans, who want to see more bloodshed.
Steve Hebert: They're not going to fight again, are they?
Lex Robinson: I don't believe so. They're actually... respecting each other.
Steve Hebert: And these dumb crowds are booing it...?! Are you kidding me?!
Lex Robinson: These fans wanted to see them break each other apart... not this.
Exiting the ring, the new World Champion, Stevie walks to the back, getting plenty of jeers from the fans. As Teresa stands in the ring, arguing with the fans, she is unaware of another spectator having slid inside.
Lex Robinson: Watch out--...!
Steve Hebert: Goddamn, this security is absolutely worthless.
Fortunately, Teresa turns around, just in the nick of time, and connects with a stiff-forearm to the fan. Walking around the ring, having lost her match, she incites even more fighting and rioting, as she argues from inside of the ring, threatening others to come inside.
Steve Hebert: Just taser all these idiots.
Lex Robinson: There'd be nothing occuring if Stevie and Teresa weren't agitating them.
Steve Hebert: Stop with your silly excuses. These fans are just animals. They need to be euthanized, for the good of humanity and for the good of Horatio.
Lex Robinson: But who would buy his ridiculously overpriced merchandise and events?!
Steve Hebert: Shut your yapper.
The image fades out, last showing Teresa stomping on the fan she knocked out. Exiting the ring, she is forced to listen to the jeers, as she disappears through the ring curtain.
Winner: Stevie Swing
Chris Carson: Man. I've still got munchies something fierce.
Carson blinks fuzzily as he makes his way to the locker room, only to be interrupted by the glare of a videocamera's light source and the clamor of Ace Rodgers acting like a preteen.
Ace Rodgers: Carson! Carson! You made it to the show!
Carson groans a little to himself and reaches up as if he wants to turn a clock alarm off.
Chris Carson: Ace! Ace, get the light out of my eyes, man...
Ace Rodgers: Sorry!
He hushes his voice down to a normal volume.
Ace Rodgers: Sorry, Carson. We were just hoping to catch you before your match-ups tonight.
Chris Carson: Well, you... caught up to me. What in the f... what do you want from me, huh?
Ace pauses a moment, having expected more profanity.
Ace Rodgers: Well, you are one of the men of the hour, after all. Ultimate Survival captain and such. Any strategies before the big match?
Chris Carson: If...I had any, Ace, I'd fuc...I'd tell you, got me?
A loud yawn comes from Carson, followed by a few slaps to the face to wake himself up.
Chris Carson: I need to change, Ace. If you don't mind?
Carson brushes past the camera and heads to the locker room, only to stop before the door. His bag drops to his feet. The door is covered is fresh blood and a poster of Carson shredded almost to the point of being unreadable. In jagged red letters are the words "CUT ME, CARSON!!!", still fresh from the painting.
Ace Rodgers: H...holy shit! I...I swear I didn't do that, Carson!
Carson takes a deep breath and pulls the poster off of the door. His eyes narrow as he contemplates his moves.
Chris Carson: Damn. This is gonna require more willpower than I've got.
Carson clicks his tongue and hands his bag to Ace.
Chris Carson: I gotta get somethin' done. Put my bags in the room.
Carson walks off with a grunt in his voice. Ace stares at the door, then down at the bags.
Ace Rodgers: I'm not touching the door! You touch it, Mr. Cameraman!
The camera shakes its lens before it fades out...
Chris Extreme: Jesus H. Hitler!
Holding himself up, he places his gifts on a nearby table.
Mike Phantasy: H?
Chris Extreme: Hitler. It stands for Hitler. Jesus Hitler Hitler.
Mike Phantasy: All kies.
Chris Extreme: Now...
Chris pulls a gift from his pile of packages and hands it to Mike Phantasy.
Chris Extreme: Merry Christmas, pal.
Mike Phantasy: Fuck yeah, awesome. A present!
Feverishly tearing open the paper, Mike opens it up. Travis Miller, meanwhile, looks on, wondering where his present is.
Travis Miller: Uh... do I get one, too?
Travis happily smirks, only to be shot down by Chris Extreme.
Chris Extreme: Who the hell are you? Get out of here!
Disappointed, Travis' face turns glum. Mike Phantasy has his present open. It's a box.
Mike Phantasy: Coooool! A box! I've always wanted a box.
Chris Extreme: Open it up, dummy.
Mike Phantasy: K.
Mike rips the cover off the box, revealing...
Mike Phantasy: Brass knuckles... and a cock ring... and some lube... a bag of doritos... and a Marge Simpson doll. What the--...?
Chris Extreme: It's my gift to you, my partner, Mike Phantasy.
Mike Phantasy: Uh, thanks.
Mike reaches behind himself and pulls out a gift of his own, hanging it to Chris Extreme.
Mike Phantasy: And this is for you.
Chris Extreme: Holy balls! What is it?!
Like an 8 year old, Chris tears into his present, wanting to see what's inside. Once the wrapping comes off, he holds it up to the camera.
Chris Extreme: An electric razor...
Mike Phantasy: It's to shave your stupid fucking hair. I mean, come on...
Chris Extreme: My hair is pretty like a flower, thank you very much.
Mike Phantasy: No, it's horrendous. We need the old Chris Extreme back. Everyone needs him back.
Chris Extreme: Hmmm...
Grabbing his gifts, Chris Extreme walks off, having tiny jingle bells rattle as they hang from his cock. Appearing aloof, Travis Miller looks at Mike Phantasy's presents.
Travis Miller: ...Can I have something?
Mike Phantasy: No!
With that, Mike walks away, taking his gifts with him.
Lex Robinson: Hold on to your shorts, Steve, next up is the 2009 Tag Trophy match! Who will be teamed? Who will win it all?
Steve Hebert: So many questions! My head hurts already!
Lex Robinson: I'm getting word our first competitor is ready, here we go...
The guitar intro of "Drift and Die" by Puddle of Mudd strums methodically as the entrance is filled with smoke. Suddenly, the screen flashes the words...
Lex Robinson: No way...
The Twenty Five Thousand Dollar Brawler.
Steve Hebert: Yes! Holy shit yes!
A thud hits and the guitars and drums kick in. The entrance explodes with small green pyros and the song's lyrics roll in the back drop. Andrew Keller comes walking out with a leather jacket and his normal ring attire in tow. He methodically walks down the ramp, dropping dollar bills in no particular order to his left and right. With a confident look in his face, he approaches the ring and jumps on the ring apron, turns towards the ramp, and abruptly throws up The Collective call sign. He spits on the ground below him and backs his way into the ring.
Steve Hebert: The first contender is announced and we're already surprised! Who will be his partner?
The venue is immediately cast into darkness. “Ready or Not” by The Fugees starts up over the sound system and Lauryn Hill’s smooth vocals send the fans into a booing frenzy. The song can mean only one thing; the impending arrival of Corey Ashton is near.
Lex Robinson: Oh man, he's teamed with Corey Ashton, coming back to Sin Wrestling as well! But these two aren't fans of each other, this might not go too well...
The image of the Crescent Star appears, a symbolic nod to the first Ashton, flanked by four stars representing the most successful stars in the Ashton constellation. Corey Ashton finally steps out into view while another chorus of boos come raining down on the "Sultan of Swing". Instead of his usual smug grin, he's grinding his teeth already, glaring into the ring at his apparent surprise partner, Andrew Keller! Ashton walks up the steel steps and steps into the ring quickly, where he slowly takes his robe off, folds it neatly and hands it off to a ring crew official, glaring at Keller all the while. The two don't even speak a word, as Ashton stretches against the ropes, ignoring Keller entirely.
Lex Robinson: There's one team...and now another?
Steve Hebert: Corey Ashton and Andrew Keller on a team? This has got to be the team to beat.
Lex Robinson: You haven't even see the other random pairings, yet.
Steve Hebert: I'm going on a hunch, k?
Lex Robinson: All right...
"Mad World" by Gary Jules comes on over the P.A. system as the arena fades to black. White strobes begin to flash in three second intervals as Redmaine steps outs from the backstage area. He pauses at the entrance and holds both arms in they air, as if he is a king praising his subjects. The crowd unleashes an assault of boos as Redmaine smiles and casually makes his way to the ring, as the crowd continues to boo heavily. The arena goes completely black just before Redmaine reaches the ring. All of a sudden, the lights kick back on and Redmaine stands in the middle of the ring, with his arms raised above him. He is here... it is time...
Steve Hebert: Redmaine is next! But who will he be teamed with?
Lex Robinson: This is one sick, weird guy.
Steve Hebert: You better be quiet or he'll strap a backpack to you, like some Islamic holy warrior, all in the name of Allah.
The sound of a car engine starting revs onto the speakers and roars from acceleration, transitioning into the opening of Rev Theory's "Kill the Headlights". The reverb from the guitar coincides with a glow from the SinTron that slowly intensifies and spells out "CREEP" in headlights.
Lex Robinson: Bah gawd! Bah gawd! It's "The Creep" Chris Carson!
Steve Hebert: Oh blah. I was kind of hoping his knees and mandatory elder's nap would keep him from being part of this match.
The crowd is on its feet as Chris Carson come out onto the entrance stage, ready to fight. Carson throws up his right hand, index finger and pinky extended at to the side like a "C". The headlights behind him throb to the music as Carson walks to the ring, slapping hands with the fans.
Just kill the headlights
Kill the headlights
I want you to see all that's inside
You'll get where you want
Take your hands off the wheel
You've got all you need on the inside
Just kill the headlights
Turn the radio up
Carson climbs into the ring, mounts the turnbuckles and lifting his hands up with a roar. He flashes the horns once again to the crowd, then retreats to the other corner, removing his T-shirt and setting it on the top turnbuckle. Carson taps his chest twice with his fist, then touches his fist to the picture of his son on the T-shirt. Carson then sets the shirt aside, and crouches in his corner beside Redmaine, eyeing Ashton and Keller, who had stepped out of the ring.
Lex Robinson: So far, it's Keller and Ashton versus Carson and Redmaine! Who will be the mystery final team?!
Steve Hebert: It's still not enough to defeat Keller and Ashton. Interestingly enough, "The Creep" and Corey Ashton used to be tag partners. You have to wonder how this will work out.
The lights fade, an assortment of colorful lazers illuminate through a cloud of smoke and "New Divide" by Linkin Park hits the speakers. Travis Miller rises from beneath the stage at the end of the ramp, holding his head up high. Stepping out from the smoke, he takes his time walking to the ring, slapping a few hands on his way down, while eyeballing his opponents. Sliding inside, he stands to his feet and prepares for his match to begin.
Steve Hebert: T-Mill? Sweet dancing
The lights in the arena dim as the SW-Screen lights up, with the initial notes of Foo Fighters’ “The Pretender” creep out of the speakers.
Lex Robinson: That's Phantasy's theme! Corey Page's right hand men are aligned as a team!
Steve Hebert: As long as Horatio's paying my bills and whores, I maintain that Mike Phantasy and Travis Miller are...well, of questionable birth and character.
Lex Robinson: That's pretty tame.
Steve Hebert: To be fair, if Corey Page wins SW back, I don't want to be completely screwed out of a job.
As the word “began” is spoken, the music cuts and the words on the SW-Screen fade slowly into the darkness. As soon as the last trace of them disappears, the screen erupts in a barrage of blurred color and the drums kick back in.
Slowly, the house lights are raised.
Steve Hebert: He's got one of those entrances that remind me of Gwenivere Jordan, who's entrance used to take so long that I'd take a piss break, fap one off while chatting with your wife on the phone, and get back to the table before she was halfway to the ring.
Lex Robinson: All good. You always ended up with extra creamer in your coffee by the time you got back.
Steve Hebert: Come on now... bleh. I feel violated.
Finally, Mike Phantasy emerges from the fog, greeted by a cheering crowd, apart from a few die-hard Mike Phantasy haters. Phantasy pauses, walks down the ramp to look around at the arena before him, grinning at the signs supporting him. He then looks toward the ring and makes his way down the aisle, his upbeat demeanor slowly melting into a solemn one. When finally inside the ring, Mike sits on the turnbuckle beside Travis Miller, and the two scheme for a moment over their plans.
Steve Hebert: How is this fair?! Miller and Phantasy are already partners! These other guys are just thrown together. I smell shenadigans.
Lex Robinson: If there's shenadigans, then you can blame Horatio Q.
Steve Hebert: Nuh uh, never! He's a good man... a great man, even.
Lex Robinson: Yeah, right. Now, let's get down to things. It looks like Keller's going to start for his team, as Ashton's sullenly stepped onto the apron, without a word to his partner.
Steve Hebert: This is a wrestling match, not a sitcom, you sad sack married couple! We've got trophies at stake!
Lex Robinson: Well, most SW competitors have been solo over their time, as SW hasn't had a regular tag division in years. So, I don't think this match will go nearly as well as one might expect. It looks like Carson's going to make the start for his team...
Steve Hebert: And Miller's making sure we've got some kind of quota met, as he's staying for him and Phantasy.
The referee calls for the bell, as the three in the ring begin to stalk each other, warily eyeing one another, all the while. Carson finally makes the first move, feinting towards Keller, before clinching a grapple with Miller! Miller uses his strength advantage, gaining a bit better positioning, and forces Carson back into the corner.
Lex Robinson: Look, that's good sportsmanship right there, as Miller releases on the referee's call. You don't see that much these days.
Steve Hebert: And for good reason! Miller steps back, only for Andrew Keller to race across the ring with a corner lariat that gives "The Creep" some what-for and good!
Lex Robinson: Some what-for... what the hell does that even mean?
Steve Hebert: Don't question me.
Lex Robinson: Eh... Keller turns his attention to Miller. The two begin trading punches, Keller gaining the advantage for a moment, but Miller's got the sense to get the hell out of the way when Keller winds up for his KTFO punch, the Mouthpiece.
Indeed, Andrew Keller comes up empty on the attempt, and Miller ducks out, leaping for the corner to tag Mike Phantasy in, who leaps the ropes and receives a massive cheer from the audience. Keller turns to face Phantasy, but ends up getting a back rake from "The Creep", for his inattention.
Lex Robinson: Carson transitions smoothly, hotshotting Keller, who catches his throat right on the top rope! Andrew Keller is staggering back to the center of the ring...
Steve Hebert: Phantasize at "The Creep", who's not watching Phantasy! But Carson catches his foot, and drops to one knee, while uppercutting Mike's own knee!
Lex Robinson: Then he shifts his weight, and the resulting dragonscrew yanks Phantasy right to the mat, cringing while clutching his knee. Meanwhile, Andrew Keller's going to his corner, and he tags in Corey Ashton, with a shove to the chest!
Steve Hebert: Keller and Ashton certainly aren't letting anyone be fooled about how they feel!
Corey Ashton glares at Keller, who ignores him as he steps onto the apron. Ashton steps into the ring...
Lex Robinson: He's going to have to faceoff with his former partner!
Steve Hebert: Hmmm...
...However, he tags Keller back in, via spinning elbow to Keller's face!
Lex Robinson: What the heck?!
Steve Hebert: My thoughts exactly! What is he doing?!
Keller crashes to the floor, stunned, while Corey Ashton walks past him, spitting on him, and walking back up the entrance ramp!
Steve Hebert: Cor-Ash can't be leaving! We've got trophies, damn it! Trophies!
Lex Robinson: It appears he is! If Keller wants a piece of said trophies, he's going to be doing it himself! Back at the action, Carson's got a single-leg grapevine on Mike Phantasy, torquing away at that knee!
Steve Hebert: I'm waiting for you to tell me that's sportsmanlike, too.
Lex Robinson: It's technical skill, not sportsmanship, now; I just call it like I see it.
"The Creep" maneuvers Phantasy close enough to make a tag to Redmaine, while maintaining his lock on Phantasy's leg. Redmaine, an awkward newcomer, maximizes their five count to stomp the hell out of Phantasy all the while, before going for a cover on Phantasy!
Lex Robinson: A cover is made by Redmaine...!
Steve Hebert: Holy crap!
...1...
Steve Hebert: Damnit, no! It's immediately broken by Travis Miller, who leaps into the ring at the first sign of trouble! Unfortunately for his ambition, he promptly turns around and is blasted to the mat with an Andrew Keller spinebuster! Serves him right!
Lex Robinson: Keller's finally back in the ring, continuing the solo fight for the tag trophies!
Steve Hebert: We're the federation of cliches, I'm telling you. Every year it seems like we end up with a solo effort to win tag trophies. It just don't make sense, Lex.
Lex Robinson: It's Sin Wrestling, Steve. Sometimes it just doesn't have to.
Steve Hebert: True. Redmaine's lifted Phantasy to his feet, and shoves him into their corner, to better pummel him. Carson wants a tag... but Redmaine's not giving it to him!
Lex Robinson: The Creep's a pro, Steve. He knows that if him and Redmaine tag in and out often, they'll get many double-teaming chances; as well as keep themselves fresh in a match that already has one man without a partner!
Steve Hebert: Fuck that. Keep the old prick on the sidelines, Red-man!
Carson doesn't get to complain much longer, as Keller lunges into the team-dispute, clobbering "The Creep" off the apron, before turning hard and flattening Redmaine with a lariat! Keller gets right back to his feet, but he's halted by a boot to the abdomen from Mike Phantasy!
Lex Robinson: Holds him up just long enough... Sweet Dreams! Phantasy blasts Keller back, and now Mike's spying the top rope! He vaults up there, glancing over his shoulder to line up a moonsault onto Keller!
Steve Hebert: No dice! "The Creep"'s gotten up and shoves Mike off aim! Phantasy crashes and burns!
Lex Robinson: Indeed so! Nothing but mat for Phantasy's torso and ribs! "The Creep"'s apparently had enough shenanigans, as he reaches over the ropes, slapping the slowly recovering Redmaine to tag himself back into the ring!
Steve Hebert: You and your shenadigans.
By now, Keller's slowly rising, and he catches Carson's eyes. "The Creep" grabs a handful of huevos, bounces to the ropes, and knocks Keller right back over with "Thesz Nuts!"
Lex Robinson: Remember when Andrew Keller broke "The Creep"'s jaw? Well, Carson is hoping to exact some revenge for that!
Shot-after-shot from Carson has Keller's face and head getting rocked. Carson finally stops, drags Andrew Keller to his feet... only to get an eye rake from him!
Lex Robinson: Mr. 25K stalls Carson's raging offense there... and boom! Carson just got levelled with the Mouthpiece! What a shot by Keller!
Steve Hebert: Keller drops for the cover, but Phantasy's finally come to, and tags in Miller!
The referee counts for Andrew Keller...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: No! Travis Miller makes the save, yet again!
Travis throws some stomps into Andrew Keller to break the pinfall on "The Creep".
Lex Robinson: Now, it's Miller's time to shine. He rattles Keller with a few more punches, before lifting him up and onto the top turnbuckle, straddling it. He pulls Keller forward, to hang ominously, before leaping to legdrop the back of Keller's head, crushing his face to the mat!
Steve Hebert: That can't be legal! I don't think it even has a name!
Lex Robinson: Off the top of my head, hangman's facebuster legdrop?
Steve Hebert: Close enough; screw you, Lex. Oh no, T-Mill makes the cover! God no!
The referee counts, again...
...1...
Lex Robinson: There's one...
...2...
Lex Robinson: Two...
Steve Hebert: Don't let it end this way!
...
Lex Robinson: No! Andrew Keller gets a shoulder up!
Steve Hebert: Phew.
Miller's shaking his head, while Carson painfully crawls across the ring, still stunned from Keller's super punch.
Lex Robinson: Carson's close to a tag, and Miller's clinching a sleeper on Keller, looking to finish him off! Could we be this close to a Mill-Phan Tag Trophy team?
Steve Hebert: Don't ever do that again, Lex. Carson's almost there... and Redmaine makes the tag by reaching over to shove Carson aside. Freaking awesome. Abusing old people is fun.
Lex Robinson: Andrew Keller's older than "The Creep", Steve.
Steve Hebert: Not in dog years, and that's how you measure a Carson.
Chris Carson and Redmaine finally just about come to blows, as Carson gets to his feet, shoving Redmaine back! Redmaine strongly considers taking it to Carson here, but realizes quickly that Miller's nearly put Keller to sleep at this point! He runs that way, and spears both men into the corner!
Lex Robinson: It looks like Keller took the brunt of that move; he's really suffering without a partner now!
Steve Hebert: Guess Cor-Ash ain't getting a Christmas card this year.
Lex Robinson: Most likely not. Miller tumbles to the mat, and begins quickly crawling toward his corner, while Redmaine begins taking the fight to Keller! A snap suplex flips the older man into the middle of the ring, and Redmaine follows it up with a brutal kick to Keller's neck!
Steve Hebert: Owies! Why do bad things happen to good people?
Lex Robinson: You're a moron if you think Andrew Keller's a good person.
Travis Miller makes it to the corner, and tags Mike Phantasy in! Mike immediately vaults onto the top rope, and backflips over Redmaine, bringing him down with a snapping neckbreaker! Redmaine's back up, holding his neck, but Phantasy takes him right back down with clothesline, sheer adrenaline causing Mike to hop around the ring, from target to target!
Lex Robinson: Keller's back to his feet, but Phantasy drops him with a high leg lariat! Redmaine's back up, but he eats a boot to the gut, and Phantasy double-underhooks him... Amphora Crush! Phantasy's a tornado in there right now!
Steve Hebert: There's too much going on, I'm just going to close my eyes for a second and pop some Advil.
Lex Robinson: Whatever helps you cope, Steve. Phantasy goes for the cover!
...1...
Lex Robinson: Only a one! He's immediately pulled off by Andrew Keller, who's still got a ton of fight in him for a guy who's taken such a beating! Keller stomps Phantasy down for a moment, before yanking him to his feet and whipping him to the corner, where Keller immediately follows with an avalanche splash!
Steve Hebert: What fight! What heart! Andrew Keller doesn't see pain, he only sees dollar signs, baby!
Lex Robinson: Maybe so; he's smashing up Phantasy, nonetheless! He hoists Mike onto the ropes, and then uses the position... he's lining up for an electric chair drop!
Steve Hebert: Ol' reliable in terms of brutality. I love it!
Lex Robinson: He flings Phantasy forward... and drops to the mat himself, with his knees up! Electric chair drop to a lungblower! Phantasy's gasping like he's got a two pack a day habit!
Steve Hebert: Hey, I've got a two pack a day habit. Two packs of your wife's fat tits, Lex!
Lex Robinson: You ever notice that I don't really respond to your crap anymore, Steve?
Keller's up to his feet, and feigns a cover. Miller immediately ducks through the ropes, but Keller turns sharply, and sends him crashing right off of the apron with a sickening knee trembler!
Steve Hebert: Psyched your ass out, T-Mill! Come on, AK!
Lex Robinson: He's turning back to Phantasy, now, and he goes for a cover! Miller's not there to make the save!
The referee counts...
...1...2...
Steve Hebert: Goddamnit, no! Chris Carson comes crashing off the top rope, a good distance across the ring, with a huge elbow drop that breaks the cover! Son of a bitch.
The crowd's chanting "Holy shit!" at Carson's erstwhile high-flying, which causes a grin to come across "The Creep"'s face.
Lex Robinson: Chris Carson coming off the top rope. There's something you just don't see much.
Steve Hebert: That's because if he did so regularly he'd smash his old fragile patellas into a thousand pieces.
"The Creep" wallows in the moment, before he's shoved back toward the corner by Redmaine, finally back to his feet, who gets right in his face, telling him to get out of the ring! Carson finally has had enough, and takes a big swing right at his own partner!
Lex Robinson: Whoa! "The Creep" has snapped! Redmaine ducks the shot, though, and clinches him from behind... Wings of Truth on his own partner!
Steve Hebert: Suck it, old man. No one likes you!
Lex Robinson: Chris Carson is the elder statesman of Sin Wrestling, Steve, he deserves better! Redmaine just kicks him idly out of the ring!
Steve Hebert: Only to walk into another knockout shot by Andrew Keller! Call it a Payin' Bills and Knocking Your Ass Out Production! Oh damn, but Phantasy gets to the corner, where T-Mill awaits the tag!
Indeed, Phantasy makes the tag, just as Keller turns to him, looking to get him out of the way for a cover on Redmaine. Miller crushes the older man with a running lariat, before yanking him right back to his feet, and pressing him overhead...
Steve Hebert: No, fight it AK!
Lex Robinson: No dice! Epiphany on Keller! Miller goes for the cover! Carson crawls in slowly, looking to break the cover... only to be smashed back to the mat helplessly as he falls victim to a rare Phantasm from Mike Phantasy!
The count is made...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...
...3!
Steve Hebert: Booo!
Lex Robinson: The three-count is made! Mike Phantasy and Travis Miller are our Tag Trophy winners for 2009! What a performance! What teamwork!
Steve Hebert: What, are the trophies busts of Liberace? Or only now that Miller's won? I'm just glad that "The Creep" doesn't get his greasy hands on them, this year.
The new Tag Trophy winners celebrate, standing on turnbuckles and holding their trophies in the air, while the rest of the competitors slowly recover from the mayhem.
Steve Hebert: Looks like Carson and Redmaine are still jawing at each other!
Lex Robinson: And why not? Redmaine might've cost his team this match with his attitude!
Steve Hebert: Carson's no better... and look! Carson attacks Redmaine, taking him down, before clamping on the Silencer! The crowd's loving this wretched display of old all the while, curse them and their offspring!
Lex Robinson: Miller and Phantasy don't really seem to mind, they've won, and that's all that matters!
Someone clearly minds, though, as Andrew Keller angrily clubs Phantasy on the back, sending him tumbling over the ropes and out of the ring! Mr. 25K turns to Miller, who leaps down from his turnbuckle just in time to catch a running KTFO punch from Keller!
Lex Robinson: Dear lord! For not winning, someone's gotta give Keller some credit, if nothing else for knocking out half the competitors at varying times with that killer punch!
Steve Hebert: Someone ought to give him credit for what he's doing right now! He takes Miller's trophy... and breaks it right over Miller's back! That's how you send a message!
"The Creep" finally releases the Silencer on Redmaine, slowly retreating out of the ring and up the entrance, while eyeing Andrew Keller all the while, who returns the stare, standing over Travis Miller's unconscious form.
Winner: Travis Miller/Mike Phantasy
Chris Extreme: TITS THE SEASON TO BE FAGGY! FA LA LA LA LA! LA LA LA LA!
He stops in front of Kelvin Coolidge's door. Knocking on it, he bellows for his partner.
Chris Extreme: Kevin, where are you?!
Getting no response, he begins banging even harder.
Chris Extreme: Coupon, are you in there?!
He keeps knocking, getting no answer.
Chris Extreme: Carmen, where are you, mango? I have your Christmas present!
There's still no response. Shrugging his shoulders, Chris lays his present on the ground.
Chris Extreme: Fine! If you're not there -- or if you're not going to answer, I'm leaving your gift here, Kelvin Koolaid. I hope you like it. It tastes good.
He stands, waiting for a response... but nothing. Chris decides to walk away, leaving his gift on the floor.
Chris Extreme: I hope you enjoy it! Now off to give my gift to Zoey Swan.
Chris exits the area and the gift is left next to Kelvin's door. Within seconds, though, the door slowly opens, showing the form of Kelvin Coolidge. Looking down, peering at the gift, he gifts it a soft kick, making sure it doesn't move. Picking it up, he rattles it, making sure it isn't a bomb. When he's ready, he rips open the packaging... revealing two cases of Molson Canadian beer!
Smiling, he slams his door, letting the camera return to the ringside area.
Steve Hebert: Ugh. This will be the last time you see Corey Page inside of a Sin Wrestling ring. I guarantee it.
Lex Robinson: It's possible. Of course, it all depends on several outcomes, including the Casanova/Mike Phantasy match. If Mike Phantasy wins, all of Horatio's cronies will be banned from the ringside area. And if Casanova wins, god forbid, Corey Page will have to tie one of his arms behind his back, which could be a very, very difficult situation for Corey.
Steve Hebert: Either way, Horatio will just rip his arm off. He's pumped -- figuratively and physically. He's been lifting the weights.
Lex Robinson: And doing HGH.
Steve Hebert: Probably dipping into Shaku Endbringer's pile.
Lex Robinson: Hey now.
The fans continue to cheer for Corey Page, until he asks them to quiet down.
Corey Page: Thank you, thank you. First things first, Horatio Q., I hope you have left my office in good shape. Tonight, I'm returning to my seat. Quite frankly, everyone is sick of your actions... and to not even give people their Christmas bonus just proves how much of a monster you are.
Lex Robinson: It's true, he is.
Steve Hebert: Horatio Q. is a nice guy. He gave me a bonus!
Lex Robinson: Yeah, he only gave a select few their bonus.
Steve Hebert: It's because I was a good boy, all year! You, Lex, were just a douchebag.
Lex Robinson: This is just ridiculous.
Corey Page: And hey, if I do lose and I'm forced out of here, I want to thank all of you fans for sticking around, through the good and the bad. Through the Jude Malices, the Kyle Broadways and whatever other vomit-inducing bags of cock that have been here. And if I win...
Corey hushes to a low, looking around at the fans, with a big grin on his face.
Corey Page: Then it's $500 million for me! Whores and cake for everyone!
The fans let out a loud cheer, loving their hometown hero.
Steve Hebert: Boooo! BOOOOOOOOO!
Lex Robinson: Shush.
Steve Hebert: I can't help it. These fans are morons.
Lex Robinson: They're the hometown fans of Corey Page, Steve, of course they're going to cheer for him!
Steve Hebert: That makes them even worse, then. Besides, everyone knows Newfoundland is the asshole of Canada.
Lex Robinson: But then again, you're from Quebec.
Steve Hebert: Oui, motherfucker. French reform for everyone. I'll take bilingualism any day. I'm bi for everything.
Lex Robinson: What the...?
Steve Hebert: Oh, great, Corey Page is speaking again.
Lex Robinson: Nice deflection.
Corey Page: Anyhow, enough about Horatio Q., his heart will explode sooner than later. Right now, it's time to introduce... the newest members of the... Hall... of Fame!
The crowd lets out a cheer.
Lex Robinson: Who will it be?! Who will join the ranks of Zimdela Brudon, Casanova, Morgana, Adora, etc.
Steve Hebert: Let's not forget about the important inclusion of JJ Robertson! How could you forget him?!
Lex Robinson: Uh, yeah, right.
Corey Page: The first inductee is a former Ultraviolence, Television and World Champion. You may even remember him winning the World Title at our very first show of 2009... here is... Sebastian York...!
Steve Hebert: Oh, for God's sake. Why?! Doesn't everyone realize how much of a douche he is?! Look at him... look at his stupid hair! Look at his stupid face! What more do I need to say? This guy is dreadful. Awful... and...
Lex Robinson: And he's the latest member of the Hall of Fame! Congratulations to him! These fans are cheering wildly.
Steve Hebert: Fucking ridiculous.
Lex Robinson: He's done the triple crown. He's also won various other former titles, awards and everything. This is very much deserved, Steve.
Sebastian York enters the ring, shakes hands with Corey Page and receives a trophy and a plaque, with his name etched in them. He holds them in the air, allowing the fans to cheer for him, awarded for his efforts.
Corey Page: There you go, everyone! Sebastian York has made it to the Sin Wrestling Hall of Fame!
Steve Hebert: Awful.
Lex Robinson: Who's next?
York takes a spot in the corner, allowing for Corey Page to continue the festivities.
Corey Page: Our next inductee is someone you all know well. In fact, you probably remember him shooting... yes, shooting Casanova in the chest, just a few months ago! He's a former World Champion... here is... Declan Turner!
Steve Hebert stands, claps and cheers.
Lex Robinson: Jesus, calm down, Steve.
Steve Hebert: This is the perfect Christmas gift! Amazing!
Thunder echoes throughout the arena as the beat to "Like Yeah (DT Remix)" by Tech N9ne starts up. Declan Turner steps out through the curtain, making his way to the entrance, getting a mixed ovation from the fans. Once he reaches the ringside area, he slides in, underneath the bottom rope and stands to his feet. Reluctantly, he shakes Corey Page's hand and receives the plaque and trophy.
Steve Hebert: This is long overdue, might I add.
Lex Robinson: Well, perhaps. Declan Turner certainly belongs there, though. He deserves to be amongst the Casanovas, Chris Extremes--...
Steve Hebert: I thought it was Christopher Alexander...?
Lex Robinson: --whatever; and the Dracos.
Steve Hebert: That's mah boy.
Dressed in casual attire, Declan poses with his Hall of Fame awards, letting camera flashes go off around the arena. Soon, he steps into the corner, opposite of Sebastian York, eyeing him and mouthing some words at them. These two longtime enemies have quite the history with each other.
Lex Robinson: Corey's stepping back in the middle of the ring, about to announce the next member.
Steve Hebert: How many are being inducted?
Lex Robinson: I don't know. We'll have to see.
Steve Hebert: If we're lucky, Declan will punch Sebastian York in that stupid mush-mouth of his.
Again, Corey Page returns to the center of the ring. He looks back and forth at Sebastian York and Declan Turner, making sure we'll have no funny business, which Declan responds by calmly holding his hands up, signalling for peace.
Corey Page: Our next Hall of Fame inductee has been involved in some scandalous moments and feuds. From her love-hate relationship with Morgana, to even torching Chris Carson's house, please welcome the newest inductee... Stevie Swing!
Lex Robinson: We don't want another riot here...
Steve Hebert: Another great choice by Corey Page! I should stand and applaud Stevie, too. That's our new World Champion, Lex!
Lex Robinson: Hell no, you sit down.
Steve Hebert: Fine! Stevie may be a little beatdown from her earlier bout, including her brawl with the fans, but she's in good enough condition to happily receive this award. Another long overdue addition, too, I should say.
Sliding into the ring, Stevie pays no attention to the fans and is awarded with the trophy and plaque. Ripping them forcefully out of Corey's hands, she holds the awards in the air, while yelling at the jeering fans.
Steve Hebert: She's having her moment in the sun!
Lex Robinson: Yup; all while yelling at the fans.
Steve Hebert: This is great. If anyone deserves this recognition, it's Stevie Swing. It almost brings a tear to my eye.
Lex Robinson: I'm sure it does.
Holding her awards in her hand, she mouths off to both Declan and Sebastian York, making Corey Page pull Stevie away from them.
Steve Hebert: Stevie is ready for more action!
Lex Robinson: I'm not so sure if that's so wise... you know, all things considered.
Steve Hebert: She and Teresa may have battled earlier, but she's ready to go again!
Lex Robinson: Well, she better be, she'll be in tonight's Ultimate Survival Match, defending that title, as well.
Steve Hebert: Speaking of which, I am pre-emptively naming her the Ultimate Survivor. I don't care what anyone says.
Lex Robinson: We'll have to see about that.
Corey Page steps back into the center of the ring, speaking once again.
Corey Page: We have one more addition.
Lex Robinson: Who is it?!
Corey Page: This person is--...
Everyone's attention soon spins towards the entrance, sending an atomic bomb of boos towards it, as Horatio Q. steps out. He is still dressed in his Santa suit and is carrying a microphone in his hand. Tapping it a few times, he is ready to speak.
Lex Robinson: Oh no... what does he want?
Steve Hebert: Shhh.
Lex Robinson: He can fire me, for all I care. That man is delusional and psychotic.
Steve Hebert: You're still just pissy over your lack of a Christmas bonus.
Corey notices Horatio, stopping his speech. As Horatio goes to talk, he is drowned out by the sound of boos.
Steve Hebert: Horatio is here to save the day! Be quiet, everyone!
Horatio Q.: Naw! Naw! Nawwwww! You shut the hell up and let me speak!
A wave of jeers pours in.
Horatio Q.: I didn't sign off on this! I didn't okay this! What right do you have to be out here, inducting these people?! I love Declan and Stevie more than my own stupid, failures of children... well, if I had any. I'm sure they'd be fucking stupid. But I didn't okay this! I didn't say anyone could be added to the Hall of Fame! Get out of my ring! All of you; even you, Corey Page, you worthless abortion! You and your gang sent away my Tsarmina, and I will send you away for good!
Corey Page shakes his head, in disgust.
Horatio Q.: You heard me! Out! All of you!
Corey Page: Oh, shut the fuck up, you rambling, drunk on power lunatic.
Steve Hebert: Is he talking about himself?
Lex Robinson: No.
Corey Page: Even if I have to wrestle with one arm tied behind my back, I'll goddamn do it. How dare you interrupt this celebration of people?! I will beat you... no, I will destroy you... no, I will kill you... no, I will mince you... no, I will annihilate you... no...
Horatio Q.: How dare you! How dare you at all?! Do you know who I am?!
Corey Page: When I take back my company, I may destroy it again. In the future, I may randomly sell it to some homeless guy. Hell, I may even lose my mind and hand things over to Flame, again. The keyword is that I will take back what is mine! Your corruption is just fucking retarded and makes me want to vomit up my guts. I mean, taking away people's Christmas bonus? You really are The Grinch! You're just one dirtbag Eurofag! Holy Jesus, eat a bullet, would you?
Horatio Q.: You motherfucker! You know what... you know what... I am going to beat you up right now!
Ripping off his Santa suit, Horatio slams it to the ground, showing off his naked, ripped upperbody. Muscles buldge from his biceps, triceps, chest and everywhere. He is juiced to the gills.
Steve Hebert: Looks like Horatio has been lifting the weights!
Lex Robinson: Looks like he's been lifting an intravenous needle, more like it.
Steve Hebert: Our boss is ripped. Our 70 year old boss is absolutely ripped. Who would have thought it?! He's flexing... and he's going to destroy Corey Page!
Lex Robinson: Corey will be ready, willing and waiting.
Steve Hebert: Yeah, right, look at his newfound fat, saggy man-tits. They're bigger than Morgana's. Possibly juicier, too.
Lex Robinson: Ehhh...
Corey Page: Hey, stop right there, Barry Bonds. We're fighting later, not now.
Horatio Q.: Are you scurrrrrred, motherfucker?!
A raging, angry Horatio stops 1/4 of the way towards the ring. Corey begins to speak some more.
Corey Page: Right now, we've got to add one more person to the Hall of Fame! We, the fans and I, have no time for your foolishness right now. Put on your suit, give Roger Clemens a call, shoot up some HGH and get out of here.
Horatio Q.: Roger Clemens is my pal! You can't insult me and you can't insult him!
Declan Turner, Stevie Swing and Sebastian York stand in the ring, tiring of Horatio's antics. The fans begin throwing garbage at him, angering him even moreso.
Lex Robinson: Let him speak! Let Corey Page speak. Who is the final Hall of Fame addition?!
Steve Hebert: Who cares? Horatio wants to right now. Corey Page is such a coward.
Corey Page: Horatio, you can get the hell out of here... because the next member of the Hall of Fame is... "The Creep"... Chris Carson!
A look of terror spreads across Horatio's face, as "Kill the Headlights" by Rev Theory plays on the speakers, sending the fans to their feet. As Chris Carson walks out, trapping Horatio between him and the ring, the fans chant for him, getting a great ovation. Horrified, Horatio stands still, not knowing what to do.
Lex Robinson: "The Creep" has been added to the Hall of Fame!
Steve Hebert: Ughhh... if only he were burnt alive by Stevie Swing. He even looks like a burn victim. I wonder who's older him or Horatio Q.?
Lex Robinson: Don't spoil Carson's moment, Steve. Listen to these fans cheer for him!
Steve Hebert: No! He can't do that! Fire him, Horatio! Sue him! Do something! Somebody do something!
Lex Robinson: He's sending him right to the back, with Mrs. Claus.
Steve Hebert: God love that old broad.
Throttling Horatio's neck, Chris Carson drags Horatio up the entrance and throws Horatio to the back, tossing him through the curtain.
Lex Robinson: See-ya later, Horatio! That's enough out of him, for now.
Steve Hebert: He better be sued... or fined... or murdered... or something.
Lex Robinson: To be fair, he did what everyone wants to do. Everyone sane, that is.
"The Creep" walks to the ring, rolls inside, stands to his feet and graciously accepts his awards from his onetime nemesis, Corey Page.
Steve Hebert: Wouldn't it be funny if he dropped those awards and smashed them into pieces?
Lex Robinson: Not gonna happen, Steve.
Corey Page: Here they are. The 4 latest members of the Sin Wrestling Hall of Fame. Now gather 'round, everyone. It's picture taking time.
Corey Page stands in the center of the ring, with Stevie Swing, Sebastian York, Chris Carson and Declan Turner gathering around.
Lex Robinson: Look at those four. I'm surprised that they're not beating away on each other.
Steve Hebert: Or beating each other off.
Lex Robinson: Say what?
Steve Hebert: If Stevie suddenly turned and kicked Corey Page in the face, this would salvage everythiing.
Lex Robinson: Eh, there they are. The 4 newest additions of the Sin Wrestling Hall of Fame: Sebastian York, Declan Turner, Stevie Swing and Chris Carson. They join the likes of Chris Extreme, Morgana, Adora, Gwenivere Jordan, Regan Chambers, etcetera.
Steve Hebert: What a merry band of faggots. Only in SW.
Lex Robinson: Cameras flash. What a sight to see.
The four Hall of Fame additions tensely stare at each other. Fortunately, peace is retained, allowing for the group picture to be taken. The fans let out a cheer, while the new inductees exit the ring, with Sebastian York and Chris Carson standing outside, signing some things for the fans.
Steve Hebert: What's next, Lex? I have to pee.
Lex Robinson: Don't go anywhere, silly, it's the Ultraviolence Title match! A Holiday Deathmatch!
Steve Hebert: Oh balls! Bladder, hold tight; I can't miss this!
Steve Hebert: I do! I do!
The lights dim out, as an icy blue mist pours from the rampway. "You're Going Down" by the Sick Puppies plays through the air and the fans get on their feet. Out of the mist walks Shaku Endbringer, parting the smoke and stepping into the strobe lights on the rampway as the arena cheers.
Shaku Endbringer raises his pool cue high into the air, as fans cheer all around him and sparks shimmer down. He casually paces to the ring, dressed in long black pants, with blue flames up the sides. He has a trench coat covering the rest of his body, his eyes darkened in sunglasses.
Steve Hebert: And that pool cue is legal, right? I still think Shaka Zulu is overrated, but come on now, that's how you start a match!
Lex Robinson: Shaku Endbringer, Steve. Shaku Endbringer.
Steve Hebert: What? Really? [flips through notes, blows nose on them] Well crap, that's even gayer than I thought.
Shaku makes it to the ring, slapping the hands of the fans at ringside, then slides under the bottom rope and into the ring. In here, he steps up onto the turnbuckles, climbs to the middle rope, and then raises his pool cue high into the air as the crowd lights up in cheers. Stepping down and taking off his coat and glasses, he clutches the pool cue menacingly as the music softly fades.
The lights in the arena go dark as a voice begins to sing in a low bluesy tone.
Well you made me weep
I get satisfaction
Steve Hebert: Don't put the gun down, Kelvin! Shoot him in the head!
Lex Robinson: Dear lord, Steve, it's a wrestling match, not life or death.
Steve Hebert: Wrestling is serious business, faggot. Try to keep up. NOW SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD!
Bang, bang, bang, bang!
Much to Steve Hebert's infinite sadness, Kelvin tosses the gun into the back of the pickup, before grabbing the case of beer he received from Chris Extreme, from the truck, and heads into the ring. He rolls inside, unfortunately finding himself immediately on the receiving end of a pool cue aided beatdown!
Lex Robinson: Kelvin's already stinking drunk, but it looks like Shaku's going to try and beat the hangover out of him!
Steve Hebert: I told you to shoot him, Kelvin! Now this, what about the children, Lex? The children!
Lex Robinson: I don't know, Steve, they're probably going to go back to their usual home life of alcoholism and marital strife. It looks like the referee's just called for the bell to start the match, which means this bloodbath has officially begun!
Shaku continues smacking the pool cue over Kelvin's ribs and back, continuing to strike even as Kelvin yelps and cringes, staggering around the ring. The cue finally breaks with one brutal shot, but it gives Kelvin an opening, and he wings an unopened beer can right across Shaku's face, sending the big man reeling back!
Steve Hebert: Now it's time for Kelvin to hurt that walking steroid.
Lex Robinson: He's got plenty of material to work with, as we've scattered breakable and otherwise dangerous Christmas ornaments around the ring, and right beside our announce table is a full size tree, dressed with all sorts of glass pieces and barbed wire tinsel!
Steve Hebert: That tickles me in all the right places, Lex.
Lex Robinson: I figured it would. It won't tickle for Shaku, who is almost tossed over the ropes by Coolidge, who is looking to get his bigger opponent near that mess of dangerous items quickly! Shaku overpowers Kelvin and holds on to the ropes, but ends up eating a roundhouse kick, instead!
Coolidge shakes off the damage from the recent pool cue attacks, which are showing up as nasty welts across his torso. Ignoring them, he grabs Shaku and throws him shoulder first into the corner, where he slips through the turnbuckles to hit right against the ring post!
Steve Hebert: Look at that! I swear, I think I heard Shaku's collarbone snap under the force of that impact and his inhuman roid-tastic muscles!
Lex Robinson: Come on, Steve, you know some guys have huge physiques naturally.
Steve Hebert: That's what everyone who injects bull testosterone in their ass says.
Lex Robinson: I'll defer to you on that, after all, you are the final word on ass injections.
Steve Hebert: Nah, I'm close, though. Your wife takes the cake there.
Kelvin continues his drunken onslaught, raining fists and kicks onto Shaku before he can even pull himself free from the turnbuckles. Coolidge leaps outside of the ring, and pulls Shaku's arm away from the pole, before snapping it back across the ring post! And again! And again!
Steve Hebert: Glorious, Lex, and all the referee can do is impotently tell him to stop! Deathmatches are truly excellent.
Lex Robinson: You're right there, Steve, the referee's only there as a formality... or in case for some inane reason the bookers threw a ref bump in there.
Steve Hebert: Ah, that could be true. Lame ass bookers.
Lex Robinson: Crap, the mic was live there. Uhm... Shaku's in trouble, now! Kelvin pulls him through the ropes, hanging him halfway out of the ring, letting gravity help him to suplex the bigger man from on the ropes and into the guardrail! My god!
The audience gasps in horror and begins raining boos down on Coolidge, who rises with a sneer on his face! His expression fades somewhat, as Shaku quickly gets up behind him, decently dazed, leaning against the guardrail for support.
Lex Robinson: Kelvin glares around, spying some red and green tinted light tubes nearby! Folks in the front row duck for cover, as Kelvin begins smashing them wildly over Shaku!
Steve Hebert: Oh god!
Lex Robinson: Sorry, folks, I think Steve just went to a happy place right here.
Steve Hebert: Yeah...
Lex Robinson: Terrible. But Kelvin's in a happier place, as red and green glass shards are exploding all over the place, while he smashes light tube-after-light tube over Shaku Endbringer! The tubes aren't actually that painful from the strikes, but they're sending glass shards everywhere, and that's all sorts of dangerous!
Kelvin straddles Shaku over the guardrail and holds a final light tube right over his forehead, before pummelling the tube into Shaku's face with a punch!
Lex Robinson: A glassy punch to Shaku! And another! And another!
Shaku's a gory mess by the time he finally shoves Kelvin away! The smaller man then rams Shaku's head off the guardrail, before barely lifting the big man, and dropping him flat on his back on the arena floor! Shaku cringes and bellows in pain, thousands of tiny shards now solidly digging into his back!
Steve Hebert: Man, this match is awesome already and it feels like it just started.
Lex Robinson: You back with us, Steve? Thought we lost you there for a moment.
Steve Hebert: One helluva moment.
Lex Robinson: Shaku's slowly getting back to his feet, but not fast enough! Kelvin's making his way onto the apron... and now is climbing onto the turnbuckles! That's a lot of height there over his opponent!
Steve Hebert: It's just his style, Lex. Fucking extreme. Covers it all, right?
Lex Robinson: It probably covers whatever he's got in mind and in his urinal! Kelvin's slowly gaining his balance, which isn't apparently too easy, when drunk as hell. Shaku's still only up to one knee and he's reaching under the ring... what the hell is he doing? Wha-... what the blue hell?
Shaku Endbringer reaches under the apron for something... anything... and hefts out a massive grandfather clock. The big, ridiculously heavy, eight foot high deal. He lifts it with him as he gets to his feet, before swinging around as quickly as possible... and launching it at Kelvin Coolidge!
Lex Robinson: MOTHER OF GOD!
Steve Hebert: GREAT SON OF BERG!
The announcers leap out of the way, as the grandfather clock swings through the air, crashing right across Kelvin Coolidge! The combined weight sends Kelvin far off the turnbuckle, to crash to the arena floor, right next to the announcers!
Lex Robinson: Now that we're safe... what the hell just happened?
Steve Hebert: I'm pretty sure Shaku Endbringer just threw a fucking grandfather clock at Kelvin Coolidge, which is just about the most awesome thing I've seen in the last year of wrestling!
Lex Robinson: I thought that's what happened. I just had to check. Look at the carnage! Coolidge is out in a heap of broken wood and clock parts are strewn right next to us, but Shaku's in no condition to make a cover! He's over on the other side of the ring, recovering, himself, picking stray shards of glass out of his face and back!
Steve Hebert: Come on, Kelvin, my Ultraviolent Lionheart! My Hardcore Stallion! Get up!
Lex Robinson: Hardcore Stallion? How did you know my nickname?
Steve Hebert: Your wife told me; I call her "Glory Hole".
Shaku finally makes his way over to Kelvin, who remains motionless in the pile. He goes for a cover!
Steve Hebert: Oh, crap. The count is being made...!
...1...2...
Steve Hebert: No! Kelvin somehow gets a shoulder up!
Lex Robinson: It's just a two!
Steve Hebert: Phew, my sacrifices to Cthulu are paying off.
Lex Robinson:Jeez, all I do is give up chocolate for Lent and things work out fine for me.
Steve Hebert: You couldn't be more homo if you jerked Shaku off right now, Lex. Grab his big, veiny, meaty cock, Lex. Come on. Do it.
Lex Robinson: Good lord, no thanks.
Steve Hebert: It's not like he has one, anyhow. It's probably grown in reverse.
Shaku Endbringer gets up, shakes his head, but doesn't take long to figure out another course of action. Before Kelvin can get up, Shaku finds a special wreath, one that's wrapped in barbed wire, at ringside and rakes it over Kelvin! He then puts it onto him and stomps it over and over, small cuts opening all over Kelvin's torso!
Steve Hebert: Ughhh...
The big man finally tosses the wreath aside, settling instead on crouching over Coolidge and pummelling him with a barrage of punches! Coolidge finally grabs onto the side of the ring and pull himself away from Endbringer, and crawls completely under the ring!
Lex Robinson: Wise on Kelvin Coolidge's part to gain some separation between him and the monstrous Endbringer, even if it's a bit cowardly.
Steve Hebert: Of course it is. He's the President of the United States! Plus, come on now, Lex, he's facing a guy who you'd expect to pay two black mana and three colorless to have come to the ring. Let's not judge.
Lex Robinson: Uh, what does that even mean?
Steve Hebert: Your feigned ignorance is weak, Lex. Weak.
Lex Robinson: You're the biggest nerd in the world.
Steve Hebert: Yeah, but that's what makes me, me; and you, you.
Shaku Endbringer follows Coolidge right under the ring and begins pulling the smaller man out! Kelvin comes out... with a Yule log in one hand and a menorah, in the other!
Steve Hebert: Great blasphemy, Lex, I think I'm finally starting to smell ass whoopin'!
Lex Robinson: Kelvin's clubbing Shaku down! As a result, Shaku's stunned for a moment, under the weight of the holiday battering, and Kelvin drops the log, only to facebuster Shaku right onto it! He rolls over and goes for the cover...
The referee counts...
...1...
Lex Robinson: One...!
...2...
Lex Robinson: Two...!
...
Steve Hebert: Argh! No!
Not only does Shaku kick out, but he completely presses Kelvin off him!
Steve Hebert: Goddamn, if only Kelvin could pull it out and get the victory.
Lex Robinson: A drunken bastard, like Kelvin, is your model champ?
Steve Hebert: More or less. He reminds me of my dad. Well, like a younger, cooler version of my dad.
Kelvin won't let Shaku rise, stomping him down with boots, before ramming him into the ring steps! Shaku doesn't stay down for long, though; and is quickly up, throwing Kelvin into the ring while the smaller man attempts to climb the turnbuckles again.
Lex Robinson: Shaku's wisely countered most of Kelvin's attempts at high flying offense, where he can do the most damage.
Steve Hebert: I came to watch damage, not counters already.
Lex Robinson: One of those counters was flinging a grandfather clock at him. If that's not damage, I don't know what is!
Shaku follows Kelvin into the ring, crushing him into a corner with a huge clothesline. An Irish-whip sends Kelvin to the opposite corner... and another clothesline rattles his brain! Another whip... and Shaku comes in with a mammoth spear!
Steve Hebert: And Kelvin moves! The walking muscle eats the ring post again and it's a beautiful thing!
Lex Robinson: It certainly doesn't bode well for Shaku, as his arms and shoulders have been taking the brunt of some serious attacks, in this match.
Kelvin catches his breath, before quickly stepping out onto the apron. He rears back and charges, running along the apron to drive a kick into Shaku's arm, smashing it into the post! He finds his menorah that he dropped earlier, and smacks it against Shaku's head, tumbling him, almost unconsciously back into the ring!
Lex Robinson: What's Kelvin going for, this time? He's at ringside, pulling aside a sheet over something decent sized...
Steve Hebert: A dinner cart, complete with fully cooked turkey? Why wasn't I informed of this?!
Lex Robinson: And that's a huge turkey, too! Wow... man, I'm hungry, aren't you, Steve?
Steve Hebert: I'm fuckin' starved.
The announcers and entire audience seem captivated by the sudden unveiling of the magnificent meal. Unfortunately for all of them, Coolidge sneers at everyone before spitting on the bird, and carrying it into the ring with him, appearing to singe his hands, in the process.
Lex Robinson: Ouch! That's quite hot, but what does Kelvin have in mind?
Steve Hebert: He'd better plan on eating that thing, or I'm charging him with crimes against food!
Lex Robinson: Sure enough, Kelvin takes a heaping bite, before spitting it onto Shaku! He even grabs Shaku's head... and stuffs it into the turkey's stuff regions! Wallowing in pain, Shaku tries ripping the turkey off his skull, while trying to stand, but it's all no good! I can't see his face, but Shaku's definitely in a fowl mood! Har har!
Steve Hebert: Did you have to, Lex? What a waste of precious turkey!
Kelvin winds up and smashes a roundhouse kick into the turkey, sending the bird flying into the audience and freeing Shaku, who collapses from the impact!
Steve Hebert: Aw, no! The turkey goes flying!
Lex Robinson: That's some lucky fan's Christmas meal, now.
Steve Hebert: Luckily, Kelvin Coolidge is making the cover. Godbless America!
The referee counts...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: It's only a two! Shaku gets a shoulder up!
Steve Hebert: That's what happens when you waste such a beautiful bird.
Lex Robinson: While flashy, if anything the turkey might have brought Shaku back to his senses, as well as cushioned the blow from that ridiculously nasty roundhouse! Shaku's getting up, his bloodied face now red, perhaps burned from turkey. Who knows.
Kelvin seems surprised, and Shaku catches him off-guard, spearing him into the corner!
Lex Robinson: Wow!
In little time, Shaku lifts Kelvin up to the top turnbuckle, trying to hoist him up for a spinebuster, perhaps through the announcing table!
Lex Robinson: Man, this is bullshit, enough stuff's flown our way already.
Steve Hebert: We might be in luck though, Lex, Kelvin's fighting back, Shaku can't get a solid grip on him!
Lex Robinson: It does appear so... and Shaku promptly takes advantage again with a fierce blow to Kelvin's abdomen, hunching the extreme star over. Shaku's setting him up... dear lord... for a powerbomb over to our area! Kelvin's on his shoulders...
Steve Hebert: No way! He slips free... and catches himself, balancing on the top rope! How the hell do you do that while drunk?
Lex Robinson: That man can take a breathalyzer for me anyday!
Steve Hebert: Innuendos aside, now Kelvin leaps off... FUCKING EXTREME! THIRTY DEGREES CELSIUS!
Lex Robinson: And onto the hardcore Christmas tree! Shaku's carved up from the barbed-wire and broken glass ornaments!
Steve Hebert: Not to mention the prickly branches of that tree. Yes, that's right. I said it. Prick!
Kelvin is slow to his feet, but steps carefully over the carnage to cover Endbringer. However, one last thought races into his mind.
Lex Robinson: Now what? Shouldn't he be pissing him.
Steve Hebert: You'd think so. Damnit, come on!
Reaching into the ring, Kelvin grabs a leftover beer, chugs most of it and pours the rest on a fallen, bloody Shaku Endbringer.
Steve Hebert: Adding insult to injury. I love it.
Not only does he do that, but Kelvin also turns around, bends over and pulls down his pants... unleashing diarrhea onto Shaku!
Lex Robinson: What the fu--...
Steve Hebert: Hahahaha! He shit on him! He took a Shaku... on Shaku!
Lex Robinson: That's disgusting!
Steve Hebert: What a piece of shit! Shaku, that is, because he's covered in it! Hahahaha!
Lex Robinson: It's putrid. What did Kelvin eat?
Steve Hebert: Lots of stale beer and some rotten Christmas ham, by the smell of it.
Placing his foot over Shaku, Kelvin cockily makes the cover, letting the referee count.
Steve Hebert: This is it...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: No. Not like this. Shaku can't end his final Sin Wrestling singles match like this...
...3!
Steve Hebert: Oh, yes he can... and he does, laying in a pile of watery shit. Fucking amazing.
Lex Robinson: This is an absolute embarassment to us all.
Steve Hebert: Yes, I agree. Shaku really is an embarassment to us all.
Lex Robinson: No! I don't mean that!
Steve Hebert: Surrrre.
Grabbing his Ultraviolence Title from the time keeper, Kelvin Coolidge marches around the ring, celebrating his victory. Stomping to the back, he parties it up, taking another sip from a beer, while laughing at Shaku's expense.
Lex Robinson: There goes the man... that just relieved himself on another man. What a class act. Excuse the sarcasm.
Steve Hebert: What's even better is that Kelvin isn't done here, either. He still has the Ultimate Survival Match.
Lex Robinson: So does Shaku. Hopefully this is where he gets his revenge.
Steve Hebert: Or gets shit on, again. I just hope he washes the shit off himself.
Lex Robinson: Ugh... just... ugh...
Kelvin Coolidge, still amidst the barbed-wire tree, blood and wet fecal matter, gets to his feet, getting cheered by the fans. He gives them one last gesture and walks to the back, disgusted at the filth on him.
Lex Robinson: It may not be in Sin Wrestling, but Shaku Endbringer will live to fight another day.
Steve Hebert: Fuck that. He'll be dead from a HGH-related heart attack before then.
Shaku disappears behind the curtain, allowing the cameras to fade out.
Winner: Kelvin Coolidge
Zimdela Brudon: Cas. Cassssssss. It's Brudon. Open up.
A faint voice can be heard coming from off-camera.
Female voice: BRUDON..... OHHHHH BRUDDDOOON.
Zimdela looks to the side with a slowly-creeping smile on his face, then turns around to look over at what could be the direction of a fan's voice.
Zimdela Brudon: YESSS?
He pauses as he looks behind him, faced with not a fan, but a scared doe-eyed female employee who probably works for the consession area.
Female: I... I didn't want to call you! H... he told me to!
Zimdela Brudon: What? Who told...?
Before Brudon can look around to see who the woman is pointing at, he gets blindsided from the back by a folded chair. Chris Carson has taken his opportunity to strike before the next match!
Chris Carson: Cut you, HUH?! I wouldn't want to ruin a fuckin' perfectly good BLADE on you!
The female skitters off in shock as Carson starts to pound at Brudon, wedging him between the wall and his strikes. Brudon manages to meet his fist against the chair to make room, then starts to hammer it out with Carson!
Zimdela Brudon: You... son of a BITCH!
Brudon grabs Carson by the throat and uses his power to slam Carson back-first into the wall, then spins him out in a random direction. Carson flounders against random equipment, draped over an amp.
Zimdela Brudon: You want the very best in pain, Carson? Cum... and fucking GET SOME!
Brudon lets out a roar before he charges. Carson grabs the nearest thing he can find--a handful of cables--and whips it at Brudon to turn him away. With Brudon distracted, Carson jumps up on top of the amp and comes down with a flying shoulder tackle to knock Brudon to the ground. He doesn't waste a minute, pulling a plug out of a socket and wrapping the cord around his arm while on top of Brudon, then starts to wail away on Brudon, the plug being used like some brass knuckles between his fingers!
Chris Carson: You fuckin' call this the "best in pain"?! This half-assed stuff ain't SHIT!
With Brudon cut open, Carson appears to be getting the upper hand, but gets shoved rather harshly by Brudon, who has a gash cut open on his forehead already. Carson goes in for another punch, only to get a huge kick to the chops!
With Carson down on his back, Brudon reaches down to grab him by the hair, lifting Carson to his feet. An Irish-Whip down the hall ends up slamming Carson's back with a loud crash against the walls in a wider part of the backstage area. Brudon charges like a bull at Carson!
Zimdela Brudon: Fucking CUNT!
It appears that Brudon is about to spear Carson against a door, only for Carson to duck away like a matador and pull the door open! Brudon ends up hurtling through the door from his own momentum, and Carson slams the door behind him!
Chris Carson: Hurry up! Fuckin' MOVE that thing!!
Carson signals off-camera, and we heard the buzz and beeps of a machine while Carson jimmies the door shut. Soon, the huge form of a zamboni crawls into the spot right in front of the broom-closet door and parks neatly before it, shutting Zimdela in!
Zimdela Brudon: You... fucking BITCH!! I'm going to KILL you, Carson!
Carson finally exhales and appears to calm down, coming off of the high with a wince. He grabs the keys to the zamboni from the operator and tosses them into his pocket.
Chris Carson: There. That oughta even the sides for Page and Phantasy. Don't tell ME that I don't pull my fuc...my weight around here.
Carson whistles to himself as he walks down the hall, leaving a frazzled employee and the bang from Brudon's fist against the door.
Lex Robinson: Ho ho ho. It's time for a double grudge match. Mike Phantasy versus Casanova; while Chris Extreme and Mrs. Claus do battle in the sky, inside of a shark cage.
Steve Hebert: First of all, don't call Mrs. Claus a whore. She's a smart, sexy granny. Second, Horatio is a sex addict. He can't help himself. Just ask Dr. Drew.
Lex Robinson: Anyone that would allow his old, greasy hands to touch them is a sad person. Case in point: Tsarmina Bloodmoon.
Steve Hebert: Don't insult Tsarmina, either. She's busy in Antarctica, collecting seals for her polar bear tribe. So, fuck you.
Mrs. Claus steps into the shark cage, eyeing the Sin official who is holding it open. She licks her lips in his general direction and simulates felatio.
Lex Robinson: Jesus! She’s like... 200 years old! That's gross.
Steve Hebert: That referee’s a lucky man, Lex. Mrs. Claus is the world’s first great-great-great-great-great grandmother I’d like to fuck.
Lex Robinson: Christ.
Steve Hebert: Yes, his birthday is coming up, too. But we're talking about Mrs. Claus, right now.
Deplorable images flash across the screen. The worst of human nature. Images of people like Nero, Caligula, Vlad the Impaler, Ivan the Terrible, Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Idi Amin, and a crucified Jesus. Images of war, the Crusades, the Holocaust, African slaves, and Indians covered in small pox. Images of atomic bombs, dead Asian people, and planes flying into the World Trade Center. Images of hangings, decapitations, and torture chambers. Images of killing sprees and school shootings. Images of raped women, starving children in Africa, and aborted baby fetuses. The final image is that of a sad, mutilated kitten.
Suddenly, Christopher Alexander's voice is heard shouting throughout the arena:
After a loud, thunderous explosion, the epic symphony of "No Leaf Clover" by Metallica blasts over the airways, shaking the arena and deafening the crowd. From out of the smoke appears Christopher Alexander, formerly Chris Extreme, standing in green Grinch-skin boxers, with bells dangling from his erect penis.
To a mixed reaction from an ambivalent crowd, Christopher swaggers arrogantly down to the ring. Half the crowd boos him in hatred while the other half cheers him with admiration. As he struts down the walkway, he slaps a few low fives from cheering fans, while simultaneously cursing and taunting the fans that boo him. Making his way up the steel steps, he enters the ring through the middle rope, and quickly flashes the head of his cock to the camera for all the world to see. After his wardrobe malfunction, makes his way to the shark cage, which he enters, and lazily watches Mrs. Claus limber up across from him.
Lex Robinson: Chris Alexander, the sadist formerly known as Chris Extreme, has been killing Christmas for years now, Steve. Every year he faces a beloved figure from cherished Christmas stories, and every year, one of those icons ends up dead.
Steve Hebert: And this year, it’s Mrs. Claus’ turn. It’ll be a Festivus miracle!
The arena lights dim and ominous music begins to play. The Sin official locks the door behind Alexander, and strobe lights begin to flash.
Steve Hebert: The sadist formerly known as Chris Extreme? Did you rip that from the Michael Cole Book of Overheated, Misleading Nicknames?
Lex Robinson: Shut up, Steve. They’re raising the shark cage now! This grudge match between Alexander and Mrs. Claus will be held above the ring, while Mike Phantasy and Casanova are fighting in their very own grudge match below!
Steve Hebert: Shut up, Lex. Any idiot with a 3ed grade reading level and a 56k modem could tell you that.
The lights in the arena dim as the SW-Screen lights up signaling the entrance
of the youngest Sin Wrestling Hall of Famer.
Steve Hebert: Oh really? And I thought it’d be a cakewalk when it came to beating the sparkly faggot vampire who also happens to be our greatest superstar, ever.
Lex Robinson: I’m merely pointing out that both men would probably like to get this over with as soon as possible, to prepare themselves for tonight’s Ultimate Survival match, where they’ll be facing off again.
Steve Hebert: Mmmm…cake.
The lights go out as "Scream" by Avenged Sevenfold begins playing. On the SW-Tron, an image is seen and heard faintly, showing just the legs of a man walking down a hallway, apparently dragging a steel chair along, which is covered in patches of dried blood.
Casanova steps out onto the stage, glowering over the audience, before striding down the ramp and ignoring the fans. On the screen, the image slowly trails up the silhouette of the man walking with the chair, rising until it reaches the outline of his shoulders and head, the eyes suddenly visible in flashes of red, as the image shatters like glass, replaced by "Casanova," spelled out in a trail of blood.
Casanova slides into the ring, rolling into a crouch in a corner with a fangy smirk. The screen and music fade, as he adjusts his gloves and waits for the match to start.
Steve Hebert: You know, Casanova’s matches would probably be more interesting if Cas actually brought out his bloody steel chair. Like…it probably wouldn’t help him win or anything, but it might give his opponents AIDS, eventually... and that’s better than a win.
Lex Robinson: Casanova probably doesn’t use the chair much because it’s illegal in most matches.
Steve Hebert: You think Casanova gives a fuck about records?
Lex Robinson: He’s very clearly indicated that he does.
Steve Hebert: Records are for fucking pussies, Lex, not for real men like Cas. The only wrestler with a better record is Generic fucking Heel. Fact.
Lex Robinson: Adding “fact” to the end of your sentence doesn’t make you automatically correct.
Steve Hebert: You’ve given rimjobs to Shaku Endbringer. Fact.
Before the bell even rings, Mrs. Claus springs at Chris Alexander/Extreme, bearing her teeth like a feral animal. Alexander moves out of the way with a split second to spare, sending Mrs. Claus banging into the side of the cage. This sets the cage swinging ominously above the ring as the referee calls for the bell.
Lex Robinson: Is that thing safe?
Steve Hebert: I hope not. That shark cage is too small and too far away from bloodthirsty sharks to be exciting without potentially killing one of the two people fighting below it.
Lex Robinson: The swinging cage doesn’t seem to faze Phantasy or Casanova, who approach each other and begin this match with a basic collar and elbow tie-up. Casanova out muscles Phantasy and quickly has him in a hammer lock!
Steve Hebert: While that boring as fuck D.H. Lawrence stuff is going on, Mrs. Claus continues to go after Chris Alexander Extreme's nuts with her unnaturally white teeth, like a cock-craving zombie!
Lex Robinson: Casanova transitions into an Irish-whip, but Phantasy reverses it! Casanova comes charging back, and Phantasy drops to the ground. Casanova jumps over him and springs off of the other set of ropes. Phantasy goes for a monkey flip... but Cas lands on his feet and snaps off a vicious kick to the back of Phantasy’s head!
Steve Hebert: Mrs. Claus lunges at Chris again, but Chris has had enough and fucking decks the old broad like she was one of those ratty cunts on Jersey Shore!
Lex Robinson: That’s awful!
Steve Hebert: Awfully awesome. Mrs. Claus looks dazed, and Extreme leaps on top of her, his cock lurking dangerously near her face! Like a man possessed, Chris wraps his hands around Mrs. Claus’ neck and starts choking the life out of her!
Lex Robinson: Extreme’s going to kill another Christmas icon!
Steve Hebert: He would, but Mrs. Claus has seen this kind of shit before. Even with her eyes bugging out, she somehow finds a way to wrestle her head close enough to Alexander’s dick that she chomps down on it, causing Chris to cry out in pain!
Lex Robinson: Casanova continues to press his attack, kicking and kicking at Phantasy, who is too stunned to fire back! Finally, Casanova rushes at and bounces off the ropes and launches a dropkick at Phantasy’s face!
Cas immediately floats over and goes for the cover!
...1...
Steve Hebert: Hahaha! That old faggot should have never come back!
The referee’s hand comes down for a two count, but Phantasy kicks out quickly!
Lex Robinson: It’ll take more than that to put Mike Phantasy away!
Steve Hebert: Hopefully not much longer. I could go for a chili dog right about now.
Lex Robinson: Meanwhile, Mrs. Claus is flailing away at Chris Alexander in the cage.
Steve Hebert: She’s enraged that Chris spent more time on Crux this week than on her!
Lex Robinson: She windmills hammer blow after hammer blow onto Alexander, who somehow grabs a hold of Mrs. Claus and launches her into a side of the shark cage!
Steve Hebert: No! Mrs. Claus uses the momentum from Chris’ slingshot move and uses it to drill him with a cross body block! She gets up, lifts Chris’ legs up, and stomps on his dick!
Lex Robinson: A lot of penis-centric offence from Santa’s widow. Clearly she’s trying to limit the effectiveness of the Cock Factor.
Steve Hebert: She’s destroying the only thing Chris Extreme has ever loved.
In the ring, Casanova has Mike Phantasy to his feet. Cas chops at Phantasy a few times before whipping him into the corner. Casanova follows Phantasy into the corner, but doesn’t count on him moving out of the way! Casanova hits the top of the ring post, allowing Phantasy to roll him up!
Steve Hebert: Holly balls!
Lex Robinson: Phantasy might have him!
The referee counts...
...1...
Steve Hebert: This is terrible!
...2...
Lex Robinson: Mike Phantasy has it!
Casanova kicks out before the three count!
Steve Hebert: Thank fuck!
Casanova springs right back to his feet, but Mike Phantasy lunges and nails him with a hard lariat! Phantasy goes for the cover, but Casanova quickly muscles out! Phantasy attempts to drag Cas to his feet for an Irish-whip, but Cas reverses and gives Phantasy a short-arm knee to the abdomen! He bounces off of the ropes... and drills Phantasy with a hard kick to the temple!
Steve Hebert: Bad Omen! This is fucking it!
Lex Robinson: It very well could be, but Cas instead takes a time out to insult Chris Extreme, who is in the fight of his life with Mrs. Claus in that shark cage!
Steve Hebert: I can’t believe you just said that.
Lex Robinson: It’s true, Steve. Mrs. Claus may not be a professional fighter, but she is a widow, and she has lost what seems like countless friends to Christopher Alexander. Alexander may have thought that he got off easy this year, but hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
Steve Hebert: The fuck are you talking about?
Lex Robinson: Speaking of Christopher Alexander, he just so happens to have Mrs. Claus in the dreaded cunt claw, though, Mrs. Claus’ age seems to make her... uhh... area... less sensitive to Alexander’s charms!
Steve Hebert: It probably doesn’t help that Mrs. Claus fucked a guy who shook like a bowl full of Jell-O for 200 years. That’d be like being strapped to a Sybian for all eternity, assuming she got any action beyond the yearly Christmas quickie.
Lex Robinson: Claus escapes Alexander’s hold the old fashioned way, clubbing away at the bridge of his nose. Blood starts streaming down his face, and finally, the hold is released!
Steve Hebert: I wish Cas would stop looking up Mrs. Claus’ skirt so he could put Phantasy away. Jesus, I want my chili dog.
Mike Phantasy is up and throwing wild haymakers at his rival, who manages to keep just out of harm’s way, though he’s being backed into the ropes. Casanova reaches and ducks his head out of the ring, trying to buy himself some time, but Phantasy has other plans, as a sudden kick splits the uprights and catches Casanova in the jewels!
Steve Hebert: Disqualification!
Lex Robinson: This is a grudge match, Steve. No DQ.
Steve Hebert: Oh. Where’s the blood?
Lex Robinson: Mike Phantasy grips the top rope with both hands and uses it as a slingshot to nail a beautiful leg drop on a virtually defenseless Casanova! The maneuver leaves Cas hanging half outside the ring, his feet caught in the ropes!
Steve Hebert: And Phantasy has a chair!
Lex Robinson: He does, and he sets it down on the ground by Cas, whose neck he wraps underneath his arm, the precursor to a reverse DDT onto the chair! It looks like Casanova has been knocked out, but pinfalls and submissions in this match only count in the ring!
Steve Hebert: Or in the shark cage, which is where Mrs. Claus is trying to cave in Christopher Alexander’s skull, but that sick bastard is laughing through the punishment he’s receiving!
Lex Robinson: Mrs. Claus has impressed thus far, but one has to wonder if this’ll be enough. She has to knock Alexander out before exiting that cage, and, as we all know, you practically have to kill Chris Extreme to knock him out for any length of time.
Steve Hebert: Oddly enough, Mrs. Claus wants to kill Christopher Alexander. It’s the small coincidences like that that convince me that there’s a god, and that he smiles on stupid shit like pro wrestling.
Lex Robinson: Mrs. Claus sits on Chris’ face and... oh God... it looks like she’s trying to suffocate him with her vagina!
Steve Hebert: There are worse ways to die, I suppose.
Lex Robinson: I can’t imagine many, and Chris Extreme doesn’t look ready to call it quits yet, as he responds to Mrs. Claus by bearing his teeth and sinking into her flesh!
Steve Hebert: Holy shit! The rarely-ever-seen Cunt Chomp!
Lex Robinson: Alexander gets to his feet and snaps off a few hard punches, sending Mrs. Claus to the groun in a heap. Extreme reaches for the lock that will free him and win him his match of this double booked grudge match, but before he can get to it, Mrs. Claus digs her teeth into Alexander’s ankle, sending him down!
Outside the ring, Casanova appears to have shaken out the cobwebs from Phantasy’s massive reverse DDT. In fact, the move seems to have done little more than make the former World Champion angry, as he and Phantasy trade blows, with Cas gaining the advantage. Out of desperation, Phantasy goes for a spinning lariat, but Cas ducks, then grabs at Phantasy’s arm, whipping him into the guardrail!
Lex Robinson: That took all the air out of Phantasy’s lungs!
Steve Hebert: Casanova doesn’t have to breathe. You know that? Motherfucker’s a vampire.
Lex Robinson: The vampire charges at his stunned opponent, only to be caught napping when Phantasy snaps out of his malaise and lifts Cas into the air, allowing him to fall mouth first onto the guardrail!
Steve Hebert: And Cas’ mouth has been busted open! He’s spitting blood as though the first three rows were in the Shamu splashzone! He’s lucky one of his fangs didn’t get chipped!
Lex Robinson: Regardless, Cas is bleeding from his mouth, which does not bode well for him.
Steve Hebert: Are you fucking kidding me? Haven’t you seen True Blood? Vamp blood sells for mad cash to hillbillies and rednecks. Cas could be rich! And if anybody asks, he could totally put on his cool face, and he’d get away with it.
Lex Robinson: Above the ring, it looks like Christopher Alexander’s experience is getting the better of Mrs. Claus, as Alexander ducks a wild swing and wraps Mrs. Claus up, executing a beautiful Nazi German Suplex on the hard, steel floor of the shark cage!
Steve Hebert: “Beautiful?” I didn’t know you were a Nazi, Lex.
Lex Robinson: That’s not what I meant, and you know it.
Steve Hebert: You probably masturbate to Ilsa: She-Devil of the SS.
Lex Robinson: While Alexander has Mrs. Claus down, he straddles her and hooks both of her arms with his, leaving her defenseless to a rain of headbutts! Mrs. Claus tries to find some way to free herself, but Alexander’s attack is fast and furious—
Steve Hebert: Like Paul Walker!
Lex Robinson: —and, as he closes in on his tenth headbutt, Extreme busts Mrs. Claus open!
Steve Hebert: But Lord Nazi is dazed!
Lex Robinson: He is, Steve, which gives Mrs. Claus a chance to free her arms, which she uses to claw at Christopher Alexander’s face! Jesus! That took the skin off!
Steve Hebert: Nooooo! Not his face! Not his beautiful, Aryan face!
Back at ground level, Mike Phantasy has Casanova back in the ring, covering him...
Lex Robinson: Wait, wait... Mike Phantasy with the cover...
...1...2...!
Lex Robinson: Casanova kicks out of Mike Phantasy’s pinfall attempt, despite the bloodied mouth!
Steve Hebert: You think a busted lip is going to stop the mighty Casanova? Heath Ledger didn’t play him in a movie for nothing, you know.
Lex Robinson: I don’t know, Steve—it looks like all of the fight is gone from Casanova. Mike Phoenix lifts him up to his feet and hooks him up in a butterfly position. Casanova isn’t even struggling to get out of the hold, as Phantasy lifts Cas and drops him with a sick butterfly brainbuster—the Amphora Crush! He floats over and makes the pinfall…
Again, the referee counts.
...1...
Steve Hebert: Kick out, you faggot vampire!
...2...
Lex Robinson: This would be a huge momentum changer heading into Ultimate Survival!
Steve Hebert: Who fucking cares? Kick out, Cas!
...but Casanova, who is close to the ropes, gets his leg on the bottom one before the ref counts the pinfall! The referee explains this to Phantasy, who is obviously distraught, thinking that he had his rival defeated.
Steve Hebert: Who the fuck does Mike Phantasy think he is, Simon Belmont? Casanova is simply unbeatable!
Lex Robinson: Casanova is just now getting up from the Amphora Crush. Realizing this, Mike Phantasy lines the dazed vampire up and looks to snap off a Phantasize, but Casanova ducks! Phantasy turns around…and walks right into a Destiny Calling!
Steve Hebert: Fuck yes!
Lex Robinson: Casanova goes for the cover…
...1...
Steve Hebert: For Horatio Q.!
...2...
Lex Robinson: Jesus, can you imagine how much he’d brag if his hand chosen superstar beat Corey Page’s?
...No! Mike Phantasy kicks out at the last possible second!
Lex Robinson: Oh, thank God!
Steve Hebert: It’s only a matter of time now…
Lex Robinson: Casanova doesn’t look very happy, and he takes up his case with the referee while Mike Phantasy tries to recover from the Destiny Calling. Above them, in the shark cage, Christopher Alexander stands over an incredibly battered old woman, who seems to be struggling to breathe!
Steve Hebert: Hehehe... battered woman.
Lex Robinson: Instead of trying to unlock the cage, which would win Alexander the match and give Phantasy a much needed advantage, he yanks down his white underwear…and proceeds to urinate over Casanova!
Steve Hebert: Oh Jesus, it’s just like Skeet Fighter, minus the chocolate.
Lex Robinson: The fans roar in approval for Christopher Alexander’s actions, as Casanova stands irate, in a pool of Christopher Alexander’s racially pure, but still disgusting urine! Being unable to take his rage out on Alexander, he turns his attention to Phantasy, who he puts the boots to!
Steve Hebert: He’s tracking piss on Phantasy’s face!
Lex Robinson: Casanova picks Mike Phantasy up and whips him into the ropes. He goes for a simple flapjack-style maneuver, but Phantasy reaches out... and grabs on to the side of the shark cage!
Steve Hebert: What the Gaspard?
Lex Robinson: Casanova looks just as stunned, Steve, as it’s all he can do to let Phantasy slip through his hands. He begins to climb the shark cage, where Chris Alexander is busy pounding Mrs. Claus’ face into ground beef.
Steve Hebert: Yeah, but what good is that move going to do Mike Phantasy?
Lex Robinson: I have no idea, Steve, but Casanova watches Phantasy climb the swinging shark cage, and he goes up to the top rope! He lets the cage swing back and forth a bit, measuring it the whole way, before leaping off and grabbing on to a side!
Steve Hebert: There are now four people on the shark cage! That thing could fall and kill all four of them!
Lex Robinson: Mrs. Claus, perhaps shaken awake by the impact of Cas’ body on the side of the cage, kicks Christopher Alexander off of her and sends him into the side of the cage where Casanova is. Casanova smiles his fangy smile and somehow winds up hanging upside down, his legs hooked to the inside of the cage, trapping Alexander’s arms!
Steve Hebert: Like a vampire bat! Holy fuck!
Lex Robinson: This leaves Alexander completely helpless, as a bloody Mrs. Claus approaches him and starts leveling the poor bastard with her best stuff, like Alexander was asking her to hit hi as hard as she could.
Steve Hebert: Knowing Christopher Alexander as I do, he probably was.
Lex Robinson: Seeing Alexander in peril, Mike Phantasy crawls his way to that side of the cage like a Koopa Troopa from Super Mario World and starts kicking at a prone Casanova, who responds to this threat by locking that leg up via ankle lock!
Steve Hebert: Fuck yeah! Break it like a goddamn twig!
Lex Robinson: I’m sure he would, but the distraction is enough to allow Chris Extreme to break free, undoing the hold Casanova has on the cage! He has to let go of the ankle lock to grab at the bottom of the shark cage, saving himself from dropping ten feet to the mat below!
Steve Hebert: Holy Horatio!
Lex Robinson: Mike Phantasy climbs all the way to the shark cage, and Casanova follows after him! The fact that Phantasy has the high ground doesn’t matter, as even his kicks and stomps can’t dissuade Casanova from making it to the top of the cage!
Steve Hebert: Somebody is going to die, and ratings are going to skyrocket.
Lex Robinson: Jesus, the two are exchanging punches on top of that swinging cage like their life depended on it, all while Christopher Alexander tosses Mrs. Claus around the cage as though he were an angry Kodiak bear.
Steve Hebert: That shit’s just foreplay!
Lex Robinson: Casanova breaks up the back and forth punching by goozling Mike Phantasy!
Steve Hebert: Hell yes! For Whom the Bell Tolls, from that height!
Lex Robinson: No! Phantasy counters by kicking Casanova in the abdomen! Doubled over from the pain, Casanova is prone to a Phantasy DDT attempt, but Cas outmuscles Phantasy and turns it into a Northern Lights Suplex throw…only for Phantasy to land on his feet on the razor edge of that cage! Cas turns around, and Phantasy goes for another Phantasize—
Steve Hebert: But that faggot misses because Casanova ducks it again! Phantasy turns around now, and Casanova looks like he’s going to hit Destiny Calling on top of the cage!
Lex Robinson: Casanova brings Phantasy in, but he has the presence of mind to drill Cas with a knee to the gut! He quickly hooks Casanova up in position for a Cradle DDT—
Steve Hebert: God no!
Lex Robinson: Crescent Driver from the top of the goddamn shark cage, into the ring!
Steve Hebert: Holy fuck!
Everybody in the arena looks absolutely stunned at this turn of events, even Chistopher Alexander, who relents on his throttling a likely-dead Mrs. Claus and watches below as Phantasy crawls over to drape an arm over Casanova. Alexander unlocks the shark cage door and drops down to the ring as the referee counts…
...1...!
Lex Robinson: Chris Alexander wins another Christmas grudge match, but will his partner win his match right now?
Steve Hebert: I hope to fuck not!
...2...!
Lex Robinson: Yes! Yes!
Steve Hebert: No, you biased cockmunch! No!
...3!
Lex Robinson: That’s it! An incredibly brutal Crescent Driver from the top of a shark cage, and Mike Phantasy makes sure that Horatio Q.’s investment was for nothing!
Steve Hebert: For nothing? Cas still has a chance to win the World Title!
Lex Robinson: And so does Mike Phantasy! And Christopher Alexander! And those two former rivals are celebrating underneath the shark cage, which is dripping with Mrs. Claus’ blood! These two, at least, are a united front going into Ultimate Survival, and depending on how cooperative Kelvin Coolidge is, Team Christopher Alexander-Extreme might just be the team to beat tonight!
The shark cage is lowered to the canvas, allowing referees to walk in and remove a bloodied Mrs. Claus, who they scrape to her feet. Casanova, on the other hand, rolls out of the ring, angry at his loss. He walks to the back, getting some words at hate thrown at him by various fans.
Lex Robinson: Thanks to Chris Carson, we had no Zimdela Brudon interference! As a result, Mike Phantasy is the victor.
Steve Hebert: Faggotry. Supreme, utter faggotry. I want to cry.
Chris Extremely Alexander and Mike Phantasy remain in the ring, getting cheers from the fans, riling each other up for tonight's main event. Chris walks around, surprised about the cheers he receives, while scratching himself because of the fur from the Grinch-skin boxers.
Winner: Mike Phantasy and Chris Extreme
Horatio Q.: Where the fuck is he?! Why wasn't he out there to stop this?!
He continues searching, looking around corners and under boxes, etc. Eventually, he hears the banging and clanging coming from the door.
Horatio Q.: Motherfucking whores! Corey Page will have two arms free! This is not fucking fair! What the fuck?!
Bang! Bang! BANG!
Horatio walks up to the doors, seeing it begin to buckle. The hinges are beaten off the door, thanks to the boot of Zimdela Brudon. Annoyed, Horatio Q. walks over, watching as the door falls to the floor, showing the enraged form of Zimdela Brudon.
Horatio Q.: What were you doing in there?! Why were you not at the ring?! Why?! Why?! Why?!
Zimdela Brudon: "The Creep"... that fucking "Creep"... I'm going to assfuck him into submission...!
Angered, Zimdela storms off, leaving a flustered Horatio Q. behind.
Horatio Q.: Reminds me of me and Tsarmina, when I would be on bottom. Come back home, sweet-tits, Horatio misses you.
He wipes a tear from his eye and the image fades out.
Another group of workers can be seen setting up the regular backstage and entrance equipment. They're carrying a screen to be used to help introduce people, which they set up near the entrance.
Official: Where do we put this heap of crap?
Official #2: Over here.
With some grunting and groaning, they walk towards the entrance, when the camera suddenly starts shaking violently...
Cameraman: This piece of shit isn’t working right, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Hold on, let me try.
Setting down the equipment, the official known as Jimmy walks over to the cameraman, takes the camera and examines it. However, a loud thud is heard, while the camera does a complete 360 degree turn. The two officials blur pass the screen and then the camera stops. Soon, the screen comes into perfect focus on the entrance area, where Redmaine now stands, nearly out of vision, off in the near distance.
Jimmy: Just got to treat it like I did your mother back in high school. Heh heh...
Cameraman: Fuck off. You mean the way I did your sister.
The two cameramen continue to bicker off-camera, unaware of Redmaine, but the camera remains accidentally pointed at him. The image shows Redmaine walking around the entrance stage, giving it a close inspection. He nods and looks over at the camera, gives a small wave and grins. He walks just out of view of the camera, to the right of the stage and then to the left. He walks back into focus and straight up to the curtains. He turns around and gives one final mischievous wave as he disappears into the back.
Jimmy: Alright, turn it off; it works. Let's move onto the next one.
Fade out.
Ace Rodgers: First off, congratulations to you and Mike Phantasy on winning the Tag Trophies. Even though you won, you were attacked by a disgruntled Andrew Keller. Are you feeling good?
Rubbing the back of his skull, a groggy Travis Miller responds.
Travis Miller: Eh, I'm okay, Ace. And thanks.
Ace Rodgers: Good. Later tonight, you will take on not one... not two... not three, but four contenders in a scramble match, and the winner will be crowned the new Television champion. Now, Travis, could you tell us your thoughts about tonight’s match?
Travis stands there, his grimace turns to a smile. Shaking his head, he responds.
Travis Miller: Sure thing, Ace. I feel fan-fucking-tastic right now. I haven’t been this excited since the rendezvous I had with your wife the summer of 2005, but that’s beside the point.
A collective groan comes from the audience, while Ace looks stunned. Shrugging it off, he replies.
Ace Rodgers: Rendezvous? What?
Travis Miller: Nevermind about that, Ace. Listen, I have a golden opportunity here. I am honored to take part in this match and give an ass whoopin’ to the likes of Redmaine and Kinsey Wells. After all of the nonsense they’ve partaken in, it’s time that I show them just how spectacular one can be. That’s right, it’s payback time, tonight.
Travis Miller claps his hands together a few times and smiles. Ace continues the interview.
Ace Rodgers: Speaking of Kinsey Wells, she seems to have had her way with you over the course of the past few weeks – knocking you unconscious a couple of different occasions with a steel chair.
Travis Miller then interrupts.
Travis Miller: Who hasn’t Kinsey Wells had her way with? She’s a cock-slutty whore. If it weren’t the fact that she whacked me while my back was turned, I would have shown her who is boss.
Ace seems to agree and responds.
Ace Rodgers: And when it comes to Redmaine, he had some choice words for you earlier this week, stating that your so called new-found faith is nothing but “false hope”. What do you have to say about that?
There's sincerity in his tone, as he shoves the microphone into Miller's face.
Travis Miller: I say... fuck on that, Ace. Redmaine has been here all but five minutes and he somehow thinks he knows me? He thinks he knows where I’ve been, what I’ve done, and how I’ve done it? I don’t think so! The only thing false here is Redmaine's attitude. When it comes to hope, he better hope he can find a doctor that’s good enough to remove my size-10 boot from his nasty swamp ass, because tonight, I’m going to lay a hurtin’ on that boy.
Satisfied with his response, Ace Rodgers continues.
Ace Rodgers: What can you say about Corey Ashton and Kerry Windsor?
Travis Miller: You’re starting to bore the piss out of me, Ace; but I suppose I can answer your question. Corey Ashton... he’s trying to steal my thunder, but that’s okay. After I win tonight, I can forgive him. And Windsor? If you want my honest opinion, I think he’s out of my league, Ace.
Travis Miller shakes his head up and down, showing signs of confidence. Ace continues.
Ace Rodgers: Well, Travis, if there is one thing that hasn’t changed about you, it’s your confidence level, that’s for sure.
Interrupting, Travis replies.
Travis Miller: Well, Ace, when you’re hung like I am, you tend to attract all kinds of willing wilder beasts. Take COCK, for example, that flaming homo went ape shit over my junk; much like your woman did.
Travis begins to chuckle, with Ace immediately responding.
Ace Rodgers: What are you talking about?
Travis Miller: So long, champ! I’ve got shit to attend to!
Turning around, Travis quickly dashes away.
Ace Rodgers: This is Ace Rodgers reporting to you, live from backstage here at How the Horatio Stole Christmas.
Travis turns and screams from a distance…
Travis Miller: You sound like a bitch, Ace! No wonder your woman hates you!
Again, groan. Ace shrugs his shoulders.
Ace Rodgers: Back to you, Lex!
The image fades out.
Lex Robinson: Tonight has been one exciting show here in St. John's! Three men that are in this Five-Way Scramble Match for the Television Title were also randomly selected in the Tag Trophy Tournament. Redmaine, despite his fierce determination and strong will, came up empty handed.
Steve Hebert: Thanks to those no-good garbage-eating pieces of crap, Miller and Phantasy! I lost fifty bucks!
Lex Robinson: Well, you can take solace in the fact that despite losing, newly re-contracted Sin Wrestling star, Andrew Keller, managed to steal Miller's trophy and clock Miller squarely in the back of the head with it.
The video feed splits into two as a slow motion replay shows Andrew Keller smashing the gold trophy over Miller's head as it bursts apart. Miller slumps forward as blood cascades from the wound. Keller also mouths to the camera in slow motion: “IIIIIIIII SSSSMMEEEELLLLL LLLIIIIIKKKKEEEEE MUUUHHHNNNEEEEE!” The video feed cuts back to Lex and Steve.
Steve Hebert: Haha, yeah, that was pretty good. But when Corey Ashton deserted Andrew Keller, well, that was even funnier.
Lex Robinson: And no doubt revenge is on Corey Ashton's mind, as he AND Miller are in this dance, as well. We also have the debut of promising athlete Kerry Windsor. This should be a great one folks!
Steve Hebert: Let's hope he does a magic trick and makes my credit debt disappear!
Kinsey Wells walks out to the top of the ramp and poses as “Reroute to Remain” by In Flames explodes over the loud speakers. Just as she is about to walk down the ramp, a massive set fixture falls from above, smashing into her face and sending her spiraling off the ramp and into the crowd, where she is bodysurfed into a bathroom, most likely to be violated.
Lex Robinson: Well, that was certainly unexpected and completely out of the ordinary.
Steve Hebert: Yeah, that just happened.
“It's Goin' Down” by the X-Ecutioners begins to play as Kerry Windsor runs out of the back and down to the ring. Belly sliding inside, he hops to his feet and smiles at the crowd, pumping his fist as he riles them up.
Lex Robinson: This guy certainly has some charisma over the crowd!
Steve Hebert: If he starts grabbing the ring ropes and shaking them, I'm out of here.
"Mad World" by Gary Jules comes on over the P.A. system as the arena fades to black. White strobes begin to flash in three second intervals as Redmaine steps outs from the backstage area. He pauses at the entrance and holds both arms in they air, as if he is a king praising his subjects. The crowd unleashes an assault of boos as Redmaine smiles and casually makes his way to the ring, as the crowd continues to boo heavily. The arena goes completely black just before Redmaine reaches the ring. All of a sudden, the lights kick back on and Redmaine stands in the middle of the ring, with his arms raised above him. He is here... it is time...
Lex Robinson: And the fans do not like Redmaine, not one bit.
Steve Hebert: Even Kerry looks at him cross-eyed!
The venue is immediately cast into darkness. “Ready or Not” by The Fugees starts up over the sound system and Lauryn Hill’s smooth vocals send the fans into a booing frenzy. The song can mean only one thing; the impending arrival of Corey Ashton is near. The image of the Crescent Star appears, a symbolic nod to the first Ashton, flanked by four stars representing the most successful stars in the Ashton constellation.
Corey Ashton finally steps out into view while another chorus of boos come raining down on the "Sultan of Swing". Ashton no-sells the fan’s reaction with a smug grin and makes his way towards the ringside area, with an incredibly sparkling ring robe adorning his body. Ashton walks up the steel steps and steps into the ring quickly, where he slowly takes his robe off, folds it neatly and hands it off to a ring crew official. Ashton’s focus then returns to the task at hand and waits patiently for the match to commence.
Lex Robinson: Seems like Ashton has brushed off the events from earlier tonight! I guess he is no longer grumpy.
Steve Hebert: This kid is pure gold! I bet Ric Flair gave him that thing as proof of how awesome he is.
Lex Robinson: Well, let's see if Ashton can pull it off!
The lights fade, an assortment of colorful lazers illuminate through a cloud of smoke and "New Divide" by Linkin Park hits the speakers. Travis Miller rises from beneath the stage at the end of the ramp, holding his head. Stepping out from the smoke, he takes his time walking to the ring, not to greet fans, but because he is visibly suffering substantial head trauma. He approaches the ring and decides to take the steps this time around. Entering in the ring, he grimaces at the other three men and stands in one corner.
Lex Robinson: The bell rings and we are set for action! All four men are just staring at each other, ready to strike at a moments notice—no wait! Ashton, Redmaine, and Windsor rush Miller! The newly crowned Tag Trophy winner with Mike Phantasy!
Steve Hebert: Yeah, get that S.O.B.!
Lex Robinson: Ashton with a suicide slide! Miller's legs go out from under him and Redmaine and Windsor and laying hard kicks into Miller's gut. Ashton slides out of the ring and pulls Miller out a little ways so his head is exposed outside the ring. RUNNING KNEE INTO THE SIDE OF MILLER'S HEAD! Miller may be out cold! We're getting word from the back that the medical team did NOT check him for a concussion—Ashton with another knee! And Miller gets pulled out of the ring!
Steve Hebert: Redmaine and Winsdor trade punches. Redmaine with a huge right cross—Windsor ducks! Reaches behind and pulls him down with a side neckbreaker! He's going for the cover already!
The referee counts...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: There's one... two... and...
Steve Hebert: No!
Lex Robinson: Redmaine kicks out with ease!
Miller and Ashton on the outside now. The big man is up to one knee as Ashton tries to give him a third running-knee uppercut to the face...
Lex Robinson: Miller catches Corey Ashton in mid-stride, striking with a hard thrust to the throat! Chokeslam to the cement by Travis Miller! And that took a lot out of both of them, as Ashton cries out in agony. Miller's back to his knees, holding his head!
Steve Hebert: In the meantime, Redmaine with a kick to the gut for Windsor; sending Windsor to one knee. Redmaine grabs Windsor's arm and hip tosses him over the top rope—RIGHT ONTO ASHTON! Good lord!
Lex Robinson: Yup. Travis Miller jumps back... only to have Redmaine baseball slide him in the face!
Steve Hebert: Redmaine is on fire! Thank goodness I bet fifty smackaroos on this guy!
Lex Robinson: Steve, I thought we talked about getting you help for your gambling problem.
Steve Hebert: We will. After this card.
Lex Robinson: Redmaine slides out of the ring and focuses his attention on Miller now, laying kicks into Miller, who is just trying to survive here tonight. And another hellacious kick by Redmaine! He looks ready to tear him apart! The ref has been counting the men to get into the ring! Redmaine lifts up Miller and rolls him into the ring to break up the count. Meanwhile, Windsor is still trying to catch his breath after getting the wind knocked out of him!
Steve Hebert: Ashton is up, grabs Windsor by his dirty wop hair, sending him and his soon to be worsened Jerseylisp, face first into the steel stairs!
Lex Robinson: It says here that Kerry Windsor is from Des Moines, Iowa.
Steve Hebert: I can smell a Guido from a mile away and I'm telling you, if that man is from Iowa, then I am sober.
Lex Robinson: Back to Redmaine and Miller in the center of the ring; Redmaine bounds himself off the ropes and comes charging back at Miller. Miller ducks! Huge big back bodydrop! Redmaine is grabbing the small of his back! He may have injured something on that landing! Ashton slides back into the ring! He rushes towards Miller as well! Miller sidesteps and uses Ashton's momentum to go shoulder first, between the two ropes and into the turnbuckle! He looks like a rag doll! His legs swing up behind him! He crashes like a sack of potatoes!
Steve Hebert: That's right, Miller! You take them to school! I got a hundred big ones on you!
Lex Robinson: I thought you said you had fifty on Redmaine.
Steve Hebert: LEAVE ME ALONE.
Lex Robinson: Windsor gets back to his feet. He's taken some hard shots and he's just now shaking the cobwebs out of his head.
Kinsey Wells walks up to Travis, trying to get at him. However, he aggressively grabs her by the hair and throws her over the top rope, tossing her to the floor.
Steve Hebert: Yep, there goes Kinsey, who has barely done a thing in this match. It's as if she's invisible. Or if she wasn't written in.
Lex Robinson: It sure seems like it, Steve.
Steve Hebert: Yep.
Miller is stalking over to Ashton in the corner. Windsor is back in the ring. He jumps towards the top rope and bounces off—he catches Miller from behind with a huge missile dropkick! Miller stumbles forward and Ashton pulls him down into a small cradle pin! Miller is kicking his legs wildly as Ashton uses the ropes as leverage!
Lex Robinson: Miller stumbles right into a rollup from Corey Ashton!
The referee is quick to count...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: No!
Steve Hebert: Redmaine slides into the ring, breaking up the count with a diving axehandle! Damnit!
Lex Robinson: Redmaine grabs Ashton by the ears and pulls him away from the wreckage of Miller and Windsor! Ashton roars as he kicks his legs and Redmaine drags him across the ring!
Redmaine lifts Ashton up into a piledriver position! Ashton pulls against him! Redmaine can't seem to lift Ashton to drop him to the mat!
Lex Robinson: Here comes Kerry Windsor! He launches himself up Corey Ashton's back with one leg; extends his knee—SHINING WIZARD TO THE FACE OF REDMAINE! And Redmaine goes airborne back out over the top rope, landing hard on the cement! Windsor is still in motion, gracefully landing in stride and bouncing himself off the ropes. Ashton is upright—SPEAR INTO A SPINNING SPINE BUSTER ON ASHTON!
The crowd begins to chant THAT WAS AWESOME!*clap clap clapclapclap*, THAT WAS AWESOME!*clap clap clapclapclap*.
Steve Hebert: Haha! My man Kerry! TWO HUNDRED BUCKS ON YOU!
Lex Robinson: Steve, I really think we should--
Steve Hebert: Lex, I REALLY THINK YOU NEED TO SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
Lex Robinson: Ahem. Kerry rolls up the newly disoriented Ashton into a cover!
The count is made by the referee...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two... in comes Miller...!
Steve Hebert: Travis Miller breaks that cover up, like how he's broken up many marriages.
Travis lifts Windsor to his feet, using both hands! Miller hoists Kerry onto his back, delivering a Samoan Drop!
Lex Robinson: And now Travis Miller makes the cover...
Steve Hebert: Oh no...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: He only gets a two-count!
Steve Hebert: Ashton with the break up! Thank God! In fact, he kicks Miller's head! He lifts Miller up to his feet; BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX!
Redmaine is back on his feet; climbing the turnbuckle as Ashton tries to regain his senses! Ashton with a hook of the leg!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Yes! The count is being made...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: No!
Steve Hebert: Redmaine delivers a flying legdrop to the back of Corey Ashton!
Lex Robinson: He came flying out of nowhere. Redmaine scrambles back over to Ashton and begins laying hard elbows into Ashton's face! One! Two! Three! They just keep coming! Ashton's forehead is sliced open, as a result! Kerry Windsor is also back on his feet and runs over to Redmaine, as Travis Miller stands.
Just then, Windsor grabs a hold of Redmaine from behind and lifts him up! Holding him up into an Electric Chair position, Kerry drops back, bringing down Redmaine, also bridging into a pinfall!
Lex Robinson: The newcomer, Kerry Windsor is making the cover, now!
Steve Hebert: Oh God, not that douche.
The referee counts...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: Travis Miller stops the count, using a hard boot to the face!
Steve Hebert: One douchebag to another.
Lex Robinson: Wait... wait... here comes Kinsey Wells!
Out of the corner of his eye, Travis Miller see Kinsey slide into the ring and run at him. Ducking down, he sends her flying over the top rope and to the floor!
Steve Hebert: And there goes Kinsey Wells... again!
Turning around, Miller lifts Redmaine up, pressing him overhead.
Steve Hebert: Travis Miller, that awful old douche, hits a massive powerslam!
Lex Robinson: He calls that The Epiphany!
Steve Hebert: I don't think Redmaine is getting up from that, either. He probably has Chris Carson to partially thank for that, too. Damnit.
Kerry Windsor is climbing the turnbuckle, while Corey Ashton stands. Stumbling towards Travis Miller, he kicks him in the groin, out of sight of the referee.
Steve Hebert: What a prick!
Lex Robinson: Well, he got kicked in the prick, you could say.
Steve Hebert: Jinkies.
Lex Robinson: Miller is doubled over...
Steve Hebert: Corey Ashton delivers the ABC-DDT! Miller's head is implanted into the canvas!
At the same time, Kerry Windsor dives off the top rope, delivering the The Graceful Apocalypse!
Lex Robinson: Shooting Star Press by Kerry Windsor!
Steve Hebert: Corey Ashton covers Travis Miller, hooking a leg...
Lex Robinson: Kerry Windsor is covering Redmaine, hooking his leg, too...
The count is made...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...
...3!
Lex Robinson: Kerry Windsor is the new Television Champion...!
Steve Hebert: No! Corey Ashton is! The referee is holding up Corey Ashton's arm!
Confusion is abound in the ring. Both Corey Ashton and Kerry Windsor think they're the champion. No one knows what's happening.
Steve Hebert: Who the hell is the Television Champion?!
Lex Robinson: Both men think they've won! The referee is talking this over with ring announcer, Jeff Greene.
The referee and the announcer confer for a few seconds. After some time, Jeff Greene nods his head, aware of the referee's decision.
Jeff Greene: Here is your winner and NEW Television Champion...
There's a slight pause...
Steve Hebert: Who is it?
Jeff Greene: COREY ASHTON!
Steve Hebert: Yes! I knew it!
Lex Robinson: Wow. That was really close. Too close. It really looked like Kerry Windsor had won.
Steve Hebert: Obviously not close enough, Lex. Thank fucking Christ that title is in the hands of someone that deserves it.
Boos and trash start flying from everywhere towards Ashton.
Jeff Greene: Ladies and gentleman, may I please remind you not to throw any objects into the ring for the safety of our performers. Please also note that all final judging rests in the very capable hands of Sin referees.
Lex Robinson: The crowd is not too happy with Corey Ashton winning the Television Title in his first match back. They're tossing garbage in the ring, which is an awful idea.
Steve Hebert: Are you kidding me?! I can't believe what I just saw.
Lex Robinson: Yes, Kerry Windsor came mighty close to winning.
Steve Hebert: Not that! I bet on everyone but Corey Ashton!
Kerry Windsor is in disbelief as he tries to talk to the referee, pointing at the mat and calmly stating his case. The ref, however, refuses to back down and explains to him that he did not see Windsor's pin. The camera follows Corey Ashton, as he grabs his sparkled robe and Television title, ignoring the slow chant of Buuuuulllllsshiiiiiiiiit” from the crowd.
Lex Robinson: Don't, move folks! We still have a lot more to go!
Corey Ashton stops at the entrance, wraps the World Title around his waist and walks to the back. Kerry Windsor remains annoyed the lack of a victory, think he had won. Travis Miller is coming to, blaming the prior attack from Andrew Keller for his defeat; ditto with Redmaine, who blames Chris Carson. Kinsey Wells on the other hand, goes to get into the ring, but slips on the apron and falls on her behind.
Winner: Corey Ashton
Horatio Q.: # I'm dreaming of a whiiiite Christmas. #
He slaps himself across the face several times, gearing himself up.
Horatio Q.: No moneys for Corey Page! No Sin Wrestling for Corey Page! No nothing for Corey Page! I will burn him alive, like...
Horatio clears his throat.
Horatio Q.: # Chestnuts roasting on an open fire... #
Placing his Santa Suit back on, Horatio whistles and walks away, ready to fight Corey Page.
Steve Hebert: Boy, Corey Page looks out of shape. Are you sure he's ready for this? Horatio Q. is fucking ripped. Corey Page, meanwhile, has delicious, sweaty man-tits. This isn't going to be a fair fight.
Lex Robinson: Trust me, Corey Page is ready.
Steve Hebert: Then again, what do I care? It's Horatio Q. who is bringing in all the money. What has Corey Page ever done besides get Sin Wrestling cancelled and sell it half a dozen times?
Lex Robinson: Flame was a formidable owner!
Steve Hebert: Ugh... I'm getting chills just thinking about it.
The Grinch theme song plays on the speakers, cuttong off Corey Page's cheers. Everyone now commences jeering, just as Horatio Q. steps out onto the stage, wearing his Santa suit, while blowing kisses at the fans. Headed towards the ring, he stomps up the ring steps, flexes his arms and then climbs into the ring.
Steve Hebert: There's my nigga!
Lex Robinson: The Grinch theme is the perfect theme for him. He really is a psychotic Scrooge.
Steve Hebert: You're just jealous. You want his money.
Lex Robinson: Some more money would be nice; but not at the expense of my soul. That man is cruel and evil to the core.
Steve Hebert: That's how they are like in Ukraine!
Lex Robinson: We're lucky that none of his cronies are allowed at ringside area, all thanks to Mike Phantasy.
Steve Hebert: Don't remind me. That shithead should have fallen on his back, like a good little troll. If that were the case, Corey Page would be forced to tie one arm behind his back; making things much easier for Horatio.
Lex Robinson: Fortunately, that isn't the case.
Removing the Santa suit, Horatio shows off his oily, naked upper-body and flexes. His muscles ripple as the lights shine on him, receiving a ton of jeers from the fans, almost sickening them.
Steve Hebert: Look at those guns!
Lex Robinson: Yeah, it's enough to turn your stomach.
Ding... ding... ding!
Lex Robinson: There's the bell!
When the bell rings, Horatio Q. is startled, not knowing what it is. However, the referee soon informs him that the match has begun, prompting Horatio to dash across the ring and catch Corey Page off-guard, nailing him with a running-forearm!
Steve Hebert: No longer confused, Horatio cripples Corey Page with a stiff forearm!
Lex Robinson: Oh, come on, it barely budged him!
Steve Hebert: No, but these do..
Horatio fingerpokes Corey in the chest, expecting him to drop.
Lex Robinson: I think Horatio has been watching the matchup between Kelvin Coolidge and Chris Extreme a little too closely. Obviously, poking Corey Page in the chest isn't going to a damn thing.
Steve Hebert: Pffft.
Lex Robinson: It's proved evident as Corey swipes at Horatio, knocking him down with a single punch!
Steve Hebert: What the God?! He just struck an 80 year old man. What a monster!
Lex Robinson: You have GOT to be kidding me.
Corey chases after Horatio Q., who tries to sit up, but rocks accidentally rocks himself back down. Bending over, Corey lifts up Horatio, who pokes the former owner in the eyeball.
Steve Hebert: Yes! A brilliant move by Horatio!
Lex Robinson: These fans are booing the life out of him!
Steve Hebert: My God, these people disgust me! I hope they all develop stomach cancer!
Lex Robinson: Laughing at Corey, who holds his eye, Horatio goes to suplex him. He better be careful. He may break a hip.
Steve Hebert: Don't say such scary things.
Lex Robinson: He lifts Corey...
...nothing...
Lex Robinson: Uh, he can't get Corey up. He tries again...
...still nothing...
Steve Hebert: Come on, Horatio, put your legs into it.
Lex Robinson: He can't lift Corey Page, so he just punches him in the throat, instead.
Steve Hebert: An easier and more practical move. Horatio Q. is beating the shit ouf Corey Page, someone who is 50 years his junior. This is hilarious.
Lex Robinson: Considering the dirty moves he's made, I can see why. He hasn't done one semi-legal thing.
Steve Hebert: Oh, be fair. That one punch to the throat was good. And look, he's kneeing Corey in the groin.
Lex Robinson: That's illegal, too!
Steve Hebert: Hey, if it works, it works.
Side-headlocking Corey, Horatio noogies him and jams some fists into the top of his skull. However, Corey calmly lifts Horatio into the air and flings him across the ring.
Steve Hebert: Oh Jesus!
Lex Robinson: Yup, that's definitely a broken hip. Put that man out of his misery.
Steve Hebert: And his pals can't even help him. Oh no.
Lex Robinson: Corey Page follows in, stomping Horatio Q. into the corner, to the delight of the fans, who are on their feet! Horatio tries escaping, hoping to roll out of the ring, but Corey reaches down, grabs onto his pants and halts him!
Steve Hebert: How dare he. Let Horatio go!
Pulling Horatio to his feet, Corey turns him around, punches him in the head and knocks him into the corner. In here, Corey climbs onto the middle turnbuckle and begins to climb and pound, punching away at Horatio's head, with the fans counting along!
...1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10!
Lex Robinson: Corey Page is punching the crap out of Horatio! This is madness!
Steve Hebert: This is Sparta!
Lex Robinson: Horatio is greased up like a Spartan. However, unlike the Spartans, his resistance is futile! Dropping down to the canvas, Corey begins kicking away at Horatio, kicking him silly!
Steve Hebert: Get out of there, Horatio. Take a breather!
Lex Robinson: He's unable to do so. Corey Page has him cornered.
Steve Hebert: This is ridiculous!
Whipping Horatio into the ropes, Corey Page ducks down and backdrops him high into the air!
Steve Hebert: Oh, lord! Tsarmina, where are you when Horatio needs you?!
Lex Robinson: Hunting with a pack of polar bears, most likely.
Steve Hebert: Ughhh...
Rolling to the outside, Horatio does his best to try and escape from Corey Page's onslaugh. The fans jeer at him, which he tries to drown out, but it's useless. Climbing around, he crawls to the announcer's table and grabs the microphone, with Corey Page in hot pursuit.
Lex Robinson: Corey Page is going after Horatio Q., not letting him get a bit of rest!
Steve Hebert: This is all Mike Phantasy's fault!
Reaching down, Corey Page grabs onto Horatio's ankle, trying to drag him across the floor. Horatio has the microphone in his hand, though, and he begins to holler and scream into it.
Steve Hebert: Poor Horatio. I feel bad.
Lex Robinson: He's wailing away!
Horatio Q.: Oh no, oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Leave Horatio alone!
Corey stops, listens, shakes his head and goes back on the attack.
Horatio Q.: No, no, no! Owwie!
Lex Robinson: Corey Page is stomping and kicking away at Horatio!
Turning over, Horatio goes to crawl away, still holding the microphone.
Horatio Q.: Corey Page... I am on your father!
Lex Robinson: What the...?
Steve Hebert: Oh my God! Is it true?!
Lex Robinson: Uh, no. They both come from completely different lineage.
Steve Hebert: ...Oh.
Lex Robinson: Corey Page shows no mercy. He's freakin' Luke Skywalker up in here.
Picking Horatio up, Corey smashes his face off the ring apron and rolls him inside.
Steve Hebert: If only Horatio could Hulk up.
Lex Robinson: Frankly, he has so much 'roids in his system, that I'm surprised he hasn't dropped dead.
Steve Hebert: Brittany Murphy weeps for him.
Lex Robinson: My God, have some respect, you son of a bitch.
Steve Hebert: I'd fuck her fresh corpse.
Lex Robinson: Ugh.
Following Horatio inside, Corey steps onto the ring apron and climbs inside. Viewing Horatio on his hands and knees, trying to crawl away, Corey Page shows no mercy, much like how Horatio showed none to him.
Steve Hebert: This is bad; really bad.
Hovering behind Horatio, Corey Page stands, watching him rise.
Steve Hebert: Oh no, this is fucking terrible. Watch out, Horatio, for the love of Brutus.
Lex Robinson: Corey Page lets Horatio stand. He turns around... Youthanasia!
Steve Hebert: Ugh.
Lex Robinson: We haven't seen one of those in forever! Corey Page makes the cover!
The referee happily counts...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two... and...
...3!
Lex Robinson: Three! It's over! Corey Page has regained full ownership of Sin Wrestling! All of Horatio's assets now go to Corey Page!
Steve Hebert: That motherfucker just got $500,000 richer. My Jesus, send me some money.
Lex Robinson: Christmas bonus for everyone!
Steve Hebert: This is not right. In fact, I'm placing all blame on Mike Phantasy and Chris Extreme. It's their fault Horatio is out.
Lex Robinson: Horatio is at fault for being a bully and a general asshole. I think the fans would agree, too, which is evident by their cheers for Corey Page.
Corey Page stands victoriously in the ring, holding his hands in the air, soaking up applause from the audience. Horatio Q., alternatively, flops out of the ring and staggers up the entrance area, looking horrified, with tears in his eyes.
Lex Robinson: The fans start up a rousing "Na, na, na, na; hey, hey, hey; goodbye!" chant. God, I love it. Don't come back, Horatio.
A horde of Sin Wrestlers come out on stage, ranging from Mike Phantasy, Chris Extreme, Chris Carson and Shaku Endbringer. Thet barricade Horatio, latch on to him and carry him to the back.
Steve Hebert: Traitors! All of you!
Lex Robinson: They're escorting him out of here!
Steve Hebert: What pricks.
Corey Page is shown in the ring, receiving a sack full of Horatio Q.'s money. Exiting to the outside, he reaches into the bag, like Santa, and throws random wads of money into the crowd.
Lex Robinson: It's Santa Corey! He's giving out money to all fans for Christmas. What a sight to behold.
Steve Hebert: Hey! Corey... Corey... over here with that money...
Lex Robinson: Oh, sit down.
Corey keeps throwing out the money, while Steve Hebert follows after him, hoping to gain some cash. Fans are on their feet, cheering, glad to have the maniacal Horatio Q. dispersed.
Winner: Corey Page
Horatio Q.: Motherfuckers! I'll cut you all! Do you know who I am?! I am Horatio Q., damnit! I own you! I own--...
Random Official: You own jackshit, now.
Horatio Q.: I... I... where's my Santa suit?! Where's my Tsarmina?! Where's my Mrs. Claus?!
As he speaks, Mrs. Claus walks into the scene.
Mrs. Claus: You promised you'd help me get revenge on Chris Extreme, you two-faced liar!
Horatio Q.: But--...
With fury, she slaps him across the face, leaving a bright red mark on his cheek.
Horatio Q.: Owwie!
She walks away, leaving him raped of his manhood.
Horatio Q.: Why me?! Why Horatio?!
Walking to the back, Corey Page officially joins in on the festivities. He walks up to Horatio, hands him a mop and a broom and pats him on the back.
Corey Page: Unlike you, I'm not a total Grinch. Congratulations on becoming the new Sin Wrestling janitor, Horatio!
Horatio Q.: J- J- Janitor?!
Slash Tannon walks into the scene, having not been on camera since Chris Extreme dumped a bucket of shit, piss, vomit and period blood on him several years ago.
Slash Tannon: Welcome to the fold, bub.
Slash, the resident janitor of Sin Wrestling walks off, mopping up the mess on the floor. Horatio Q. can only look on, with his eyes buldging, a look of terror awash on his face.
Corey Page: Murrrrry Christophermas!
Horatio looks up, noticing that they are standing beneath mistletoe.
Horatio Q.: We are standing under mistletoe.
Corey Page: ...
Horatio Q.: Let me take out my teeth and give me a kiss.
Corey Page: Get the fuck away from me, you creepy old dirtbag.
Stoic, Horatio looks to the floor, still holding the mop and broom. The image fades out, having Corey Page whistling Christmas tunes, spreading the joy and Horatio's former wealth.
Lex Robinson: Here we go, ladies and gent--...
Steve Hebert: Holy Jesus, what was that?!
Towards the entrance, a loud, dangerous explosive is heard, which is not part of the Sin Wrestling broadcast. There's smoking pluming into the air, with the entrance being twisted and curled, with a hole in it. Even the monitor that displays video has been smashed to pieces!
Lex Robinson: That was... a massive explosion! I hope no one is hurt! What was that?!
Steve Hebert: I just asked you that!
Lex Robinson: I know, I know. That came from nowhere. What an explosion...
There are flames shooting up at the entrance, sparking everywhere. Random officials run in, carrying fire entinguishers, hoping to douse the flames.
Lex Robinson: Firemen are here!
Steve Hebert: Thank God.
Lex Robinson: They come running into the scene, as well. They're pulling out their fire hoses and are putting out the flames. Luckily, it doesn't seem anyone has been injured; but man, I have no idea what just happened!
Steve Hebert: Piss that fire out, you brave young men.
Lex Robinson: We have to take some time out to try and re-assemble some things. We have the main event coming up, which has been slightly delayed... but, uh, stay with us, folks.
Steve Hebert: Either that; or go out to your local bar and get wasted. Especially after what we just witnessed. Corey Page... yech!
Lex Robinson: This is the first bit of trouble Corey Page has met. It didn't take long.
Steve Hebert: He'll probably force Horatio Q. to clean all of that up, too. Horrible.
Lex Robinson: Haha, if we're lucky, considering everything Horatio has done.
Steve Hebert: You sicken me.
Lex Robinson: Likewise. Anyhow, the main event is coming right up!
The camera switches, allowing for things to be temporarily cleaned up.
Chris Extreme: You know, maybe Mike Phantasy is right. Maybe my hair is pretty godawful.
Suddenly, he pulls out the hair buzzer, which he got from Mike Phantasy. Within seconds, he has buzzed off all his hair, having it drop into the sink.
Chris Extreme: Fuck a werewolf. I am Chris Extreme!
Chris Extreme leaves his locker room. It's game time.
Lex Robinson: All right... here we go, everyone.
Steve Hebert: Finally. I've got a hot date with a transsexual that looks like Marilyn Monroe, after this event.
Lex Robinson: Uh... anyhow, the last time this happened, we were surprised with an explosion that literally destroyed our entrance. Even our screen has been smashed to pieces. Jesus Christ, I don't know what happened.
Steve Hebert: Booger farted from beyond the grave.
Lex Robinson: Makes sense. Everyone is at a hush. Stevie Swing, our new World Champion, will be walking into this match, with little rest, being forced to defend the title.
Steve Hebert: The only person with rest will be Zimdela Brudon. As for Stevie Swing, it's just not right. The title shouldn't be on the line like this. It's not fair.
Lex Robinson: Oh, it is so.
Steve Hebert: How?! How is it fair?! On top of that, Teresa Quaranta has to wrestle, too!
Lex Robinson: Hey, she's not the only person who has to wrestle twice. "The Creep", Casanova, Chris Extreme--...
Steve Hebert: [interjecting] Alexander.
Lex Robinson: Whatever. Plus Mike Phantasy, Kelvin Coolidge, Shaku... all of 'em wrestled earlier in the night.
Steve Hebert: Fine!
Lex Robinson: Remember, things are slightly different this year. In contrast, there will be 3 teams, with 3 people to a team. Teams have been selected by Casanova, Chris Carson, and the surprise addition of Chris Extreme. We didn't see that coming.
Steve Hebert: All because of that no-good, corrupt douchebag, Corey Page.
Lex Robinson: Corey isn't the one that's corrupt, Steve.
Steve Hebert: Like fuck he isn't.
Lex Robinson: There will be 2 people in the ring at all times. Tags are not necessary, meaning that once someone exits the ring, another person can enter. This match will be battled under elimination rules. If someone is eliminated, they must go to the back. Once both teams are eliminated, members of the surviving team must then take each other on.
Steve Hebert: Hey, if Zimdela and Casanova are the last to remain, it means they could face each other, too!
Lex Robinson: Yup, it'd be a rematch of their Vanity match, from last year.
Steve Hebert: In that case, there better be a zamboni ready and nearby.
Lex Robinson: Let's not forget that the winner will be crowned the World Champion! Stevie Swing better be holding that title tightly, I'm not sure if she'll be able to last.
Steve Hebert: Maybe Teresa can regain the title, then.
Lex Robinson: It's a possibility. Casanova is last year's winner. We even have the first winner, too, in Chris Extreme. Did you know that his team has never lost at Ultimate Survival.
Steve Hebert: That's going to change this year. I can see it.
Lex Robinson: Not if Kelvin Coolidge and Mike Phantasy can help it.
The lights go out as "Scream" by Avenged Sevenfold begins playing.
Casanova steps out onto the stage, glowering over the audience, before striding down the ramp and ignoring the fans.
Casanova slides into the ring, rolling into a crouch in a corner with a fangy smirk. The music fade, as he adjusts his gloves and waits for the match to start.
Lex Robinson: This is the first team-captain, Casanova. What a savvy team he has chosen, too.
Steve Hebert: Yup, his team includes former TWO former World Champions. Teresa Quaranta, who lost her title earlier, and motherfucking Zimdela Brudon are on his team, Lex. Casanova made his picks wisely, in my opinion. This is the team to beat; unlike "The Creep", who randomly shit out one of his selections, in Shaku Endbringer.
Lex Robinson: Will Casanova repeat as the Ultimate Survivor?!
Steve Hebert: I think so. I can feel it!
The lights dim out, as the crowd quiets, wondering who will come out next. After a few seconds of darkness 'Terrible Lie' by Nine Inch Nails begins to play through the speakers. The lights brighten up, but only slightly, as girls in gothic schoolgirl outfits begin to walk out.
Lex Robinson: Calm down, Steve.
Steve Hebert: Trust me, I'm erect.
Lex Robinson: Sigh...
There are ten of them, five on the right, and five on the left. The crowd boos, realizing whose entrance this belongs to. The girls walk down the aisle, spacing out between each other as the crowd continues to rain down boos. As the girls spread out, they reach in the breast pockets of their black blouses, each one pulling out a small razorblade, placing it on their forehead. 'Terrible Lie' dies down as the lights go back out, except for spot lights shining on the girls.
Voice: OHHHHH BRUDON!!!!
Steve Hebert: Ooooh Brudon!
The crowd begins to boo loudly at the sound of the voice. A 'Brudon Sucks' chant breaks out. The voice calls again.
Voice: OHHHHH BRUDON!!!
Steve Hebert: Oh, Brudon!
Zimdela's Voice: YES?
Voice: CUT ME BRUDON! CUT ME CUT ME!! CUT ALL OF US!!!!!
Steve Hebert: Cut those whores!
"Prison Sex" by Tool begins to play, as Zimdela Brudon comes out in the same gothic schoolgirl outfit the girls are wearing. The crowd is really booing loudly now, almost drowning out the song. He begins to walk down the aisle. As he passes each pair of girls they begin to cut themselves and follow him to the ring. Each pair of girls follows this action, until all ten girls are cut on the forehead, blood pouring down their face. They follow Zimdela to the ring, as he rolls under the bottom rope, and goes to the center of the ring, the girls following him inside. Zimdela smiles and grabs his crotch, as each girl walks by him, smearing blood over his body. After the tenth girl smears blood on him, the music begins to die down. The girls walk to the back, allowing for Zimdela to join Casanova in the corner, getting more jeers from the fans.
Steve Hebert: Zimdela Brudon may be one of the most hated members of Sin Wrestling, of all time! Listen to these boos! God, I love it! Boo harder, you whiny fucks. Zimdela Brudon would rape all of you.
Lex Robinson: He'd enjoy it, too.
Steve Hebert: He even has a chance to become World Champion, too. Can you imagine that?
Lex Robinson: If that happens, I'm not even sure what they'd do with the title. Zimdela was signed by Horatio Q. for this one match.
Steve Hebert: If Zimdela wins, he'll probably piss and cum on it. And then rub it all on your face.
Lex Robinson: That's disgusting, Steve.
Steve Hebert: Admit it. You're into bukkake. I've been trying to get you to admit this for years.
Lex Robinson: No, Steve... just... no.
The spotlights in the arena pulsate, slowly getting dimmer with in tune to the primal opening of Arcarsenal. A soft spotlight focuses on the top of the ramp as Teresa Quaranta storms through the curtain, having to walk around the hole blown into the entrance, smirking and raising a slight eyebrow at the audience.
Teresa pauses here - and deliberately raises her hand to her neck for a few seconds, then her wrist.
Once her pulse is checked, she takes a deep breath, pivots a little bit and turns to the crowd, as she comes down the ropes, sticking her nose up slightly and saying some snide stuff to a couple of fans. As she reaches the ring, she rolls under the bottom rope, pops up to her feet, and leans against the turnbuckle waiting for the match to start.
Lex Robinson: The former World Champion is out, now. Boy, is she pissed after losing the title earlier in the evening.
Steve Hebert: I don't blame her.
Lex Robinson: She and Stevie had quite the battle. They even fought amongst the fans... and fought against the fans!
Steve Hebert: Those idiots should have stayed at ringside, where they belong. However, she's on the right team, now. She has the perfect chance to regain that title, being on Team Casanova, and all. She just needs to make sure she hangs in there, despite all the energy she used up in her prior match.
Lex Robinson: You never know.
Suddenly, Christopher Alexander's voice is heard shouting throughout the arena:
After a loud, thunderous explosion, the epic symphony of "No Leaf Clover" by Metallica blasts over the airways, shaking the arena and deafening the crowd. From out of the smoke appears Christopher Alexander, aka Chris Extreme, standing in his Grinch boxers, made out of The Grinch's furry skin. He has jingle bells dangling from his penis, as he walks to the ring, in a rather cheerful mood.
Halfway down, though, he stops, looking concerned when he sees his protege, Crux, sitting at ringside, mask and all. The camera views Crux sitting on a cheer, holding a shotgun, while nodding at Chris.
Steve Hebert: Look, Crux is here! Remember when Chris Extreme-Alexander aided Crux in the Over the Top Rope Match?!
Lex Robinson: I do. He even caught Crux several times, stopping him from being eliminated.
Steve Hebert: Is Crux going to return the favor? Is he going to shoot Chris' opponents, like how Declan Turner shot Casanova in the chest, earlier in the year?!
Lex Robinson: Uh, I sure hope not. We don't need any more rioting and stampeding. Especially after tonight.
Making his way up the steel steps, Chris Extreme enters the ring through the middle rope, and quickly flashes the head of his cock to the camera for all the world to see and then jiggles it at Casanova and Zimdela Brudon, who blows a kiss. After his wardrobe malfunction, he slouches in the corner of the ring and waits for his match to begin.
Lex Robinson: Chris Ale-- Ext--- Alex--... Chris Extreme has a chance to become the first two-time winner.
Steve Hebert: You call him Chris Extreme and I will call him Christopher Alexander.
Lex Robinson: No, let's just both call him Extreme.
Steve Hebert: But that would make sense!
Lex Robinson: Just do it, goddamnit.
Steve Hebert: Sheesh. Fine, I'll do it. It's Chris Extreme and he's prancing around the ring, looking over his shoulder at his opponents, giving Teresa Quarantits the middle finger, asking to lick her brown twat.
Lex Robinson: Nice.
The lights in the arena dim and fog begins to roll onto the stage and entrance ramp, as the initial notes of Foo Fighters’ “The Pretender” creep out of the speakers.
Send in your skeletons
Steve Hebert: Mike f'n Phantasy! Boy, does he suck.
Lex Robinson: He beat Casanova earlier in the night. Casanova being the man that's standing across from him, once again, in that ring.
Steve Hebert: I know. He'll surely be looking for revenge, too. Mike better be looking over his shoulder at all times. If not, Casanova will kill him. I swear to God, he will murder him.
Lex Robinson: You said that earlier, too.
The lights in the arena go dark as a voice begins to sing in a low bluesy tone.
Well you made me weep
I get satisfaction
Bang, bang, bang, bang!
Lex Robinson: Speaking of which, Kelvin, uh, he... well, shat on Shaku Endbringer earlier tonight.
Steve Hebert: Haha, he did. I told you Shaku was full of shit. That's why Kelvin is a deserving Ultraviolence Champion. He's not afraid to get drunk and shit on someone, unlike you, Lex.
Lex Robinson: Excuse me for having class.
Steve Hebert: Actually, Kelvin might become World Champion and Ultraviolence Champion. Think of that! Yes, I am gonna go with him.
Lex Robinson: Hey, it's definitely possible. If anyone can do it, Kelvin's the craziest motherfucker.
Steve Hebert: He's a bad motherfucker.
Lex Robinson: Shaku will be looking for revenge, Steve. He's on "Team Creep". Hell, Shaku has the power and the strength to outlast everyone, in my honest opinion. I'm ready to put my money on him.
Steve Hebert: Hahaha... are you fucking kidding?
Lex Robinson: Uh, maybe.
Steve Hebert: You really are a kidder, Lex. You've gotten good at this.
Lex Robinson: K. As members of the staff remove the 4x4 from the ringside area, it's time to bring out "Team Creep"...
The sound of a car engine starting revs onto the speakers and roars from acceleration, transitioning into the opening of Rev Theory's "Kill the Headlights".
The crowd is on its feet as Chris Carson come out onto the entrance stage, ready to fight. Carson throws up his right hand, index finger and pinky extended at to the side like a "C". As he walks to the ring, he stomps past the wreckage and the hole, headed to the ringside area.
Just kill the headlights
Kill the headlights Carson climbs into the ring, mounts the turnbuckles and lifts his hands up with a roar. He flashes the horns once again to the crowd, then retreats to the other corner, removing his T-shirt and setting it on the top turnbuckle. Carson taps his chest twice with his fist, then touches his fist to the picture of his son on the T-shirt. Carson then sets the shirt aside, already looking for his opponent.
Steve Hebert: Chris Carson, the worst draft picker in the history of time, has made his way out. I heard a rumor that "The Creep" took Ryan Leaf first overall in this year's backstage NFL Pool, Lex. Do you think it's true?
Lex Robinson: Oh, stop it.
Steve Hebert: Hey, it's just a rumor.
Lex Robinson: Ugh, you are the worst.
Steve Hebert: Perhaps, but I'm a better drafter than "The Creep".
The lights dim out, as an icy blue mist pours from the rampway. "You're Going Down" by the Sick Puppies plays through the air and the fans get on their feet. Out of the mist walks Shaku Endbringer, parting the smoke and stepping into the strobe lights on the rampway as the arena cheers.
Shaku Endbringer raises his pool cue high into the air, as fans cheer all around him and sparks shimmer down. He casually paces to the ring, dressed in long black pants, with blue flames up the sides. He has a trench coat covering the rest of his body, his eyes darkened in sunglasses.
Shaku makes it to the ring, slapping the hands of the fans at ringside, then slides under the bottom rope and into the ring. In here, he steps up onto the turnbuckles, climbs to the middle rope, and then raises his pool cue high into the air as the crowd lights up in cheers. Stepping down and taking off his coat and glasses, he hands the pool cue to the ring girl, wraps his arms around the top rope and stretches himself out as the music softly fades.
Steve Hebert: How the fuck does this motherfucker main event two of Sin Wrestling's greatest pay per views of the year?! He's a walking advertisement for HGH, for cryin' out loud!
Lex Robinson: He's a bad motherfucker.
Steve Hebert: Fortunately for us, he brought his pool cue, which I'm sure he uses to fornicate with fat, 15 year old girls. Lord knows his cock isn't big enough, thanks to steroid abuse.
Lex Robinson: That's not true. That's not true, at all!
Steve Hebert: Of course YOU'D know, dirtbag.
Lex Robinson: God, will you leave Shaku alone?
Steve Hebert: He probably hasn't even washed the shit off himself.
The arena plunges into complete darkness, sending the fans at ringside into a total frenzy. Some flip open their cell phones, others hold their lighters up, all trying to get a glimpse of what’s going on. After about a minute of total black, Rihanna’s “Disturbia” begins to blare through the house speakers, accompanied by a deep red strobe light.
The arena goes dark again, and the fans continue to go crazy, only now their response is overwhelmingly negative. A spotlight shines onto the ramp, revealing the now famous pink glass and tissue paper vagina with its familiar silhouette.
The music kicks on again, and the spotlight is replaced by the deep red strobe from before. Stevie Swing bursts through the vagina, as Rihanna sings and the fans boo and throw their garbage at her. The Ironwoman of Sin Wrestling pays them no attention, strutting down to the ring in her moon boots and ring jacket, with the World Title adorned around her waist.
Your mind's in Disturbia, it's like the darkness is light
Stevie slides into the ring, popping up onto her knees at the center of it, looking around at everyone else. While the crowd continues to boo at a deafening level, Stevie disrobes, revealing her attire—red bellbottom wrestling tights and a spandex halter top to match. Removing her title, she hands it off to the referee, waiting for things to commence.
Steve Hebert: The World Champion has arrived! The champ is hurrrr!
Lex Robinson: She won that belt earlier in the night, at the top of the show, in a hard-fought match between her and Teresa.
Steve Hebert: It was a goddamn slugfest... mostly for Teresa.
Lex Robinson: Yup. She definitely overlooked Stevie's stamina, resulting in her losing the title. But that's how the ball rolls.
Steve Hebert: Which is even funnier, considering neither Teresa nor Stevie have balls.
Lex Robinson: Well... yeah.
Steve Hebert: And neither does Shaku, thanks to years of HGH injections.
Lex Robinson: Ugh.
Steve Hebert: Kelvin showed him a thing or two, though. Didn't he? I hope he does it again, too.
Lex Robinson: Leave Shaku alone!
Steve Hebert: I'm officially naming him the official punching bag of 2009. What can I say?
Lex Robinson: Luckily, for everyone at home, this is the last time they'll have to listen to you in 2009.
Steve Hebert: Fuck 'em. They'll be sitting at home at Christmas and New Year's, all alone, crying into their beer. You know where I'll be, Lex?
Lex Robinson: Where?
Steve Hebert: I'll be in a bathtub full of naked whores, all Christmas long. I'll have my face full of box. They call it "Boxing Day" for a reason, too, motherfucker.
Lex Robinson: In other words, you'll be with fat girls.
Steve Hebert: Look, prick. Pussy is pussy.
Lex Robinson: Horrible. Let's start this match.
Chris Extreme stands on the apron, looking at Crux, who continues to sit in the front row, holding his shotgun. His teammates, Kelvin Coolidge and Mike Phantasy stand on the apron, too, letting other people begin the match.
Lex Robinson: All right... here we go. Casanova and Chris Carson are starting this match. How appropriate... two original team captains.
Steve Hebert: Perhaps Casanova will beat "The Creep"'s 80 year old skull in, too.
Lex Robinson: These two have quite the history.
Steve Hebert: That's why I'm hoping Casanova destroys him.
Casanova and Chris Carson lock-up. Right off the bat, Carson applies a side-headlock to Casanova, who pushes him off, sending him into the ropes. Casanova responds by storming back, dropping Carson with a shoulderblock and then bouncing off the ropes again.
Lex Robinson: The match has started. Casanova drops Carson and runs off the ropes... "The Creep" drops down, trying to trip Casanova with his body, but Casanova jumps over him and heads into the next set of ropes. Jumping up, "The Creep" goes for a hip-toss... and nails it! Unfortunately, though, Casanova jumps right up and connects with a dropkick to him!
"The Creep" goes spilling to the floor, meaning someone else can enter.
Steve Hebert: Out goes "The Creep". In comes Mike Phantasy, who defeated Casanova earlier in the evening. Ugh, he attacks Casanova from behind, too. How cheap. How dirty!
Lex Robinson: If Casanova done that, you'd be happy, right?
Steve Hebert: Of course!
Lex Robinson: Sheesh. Mike Phantasy wastes no time in punching Casanova, in a replay from earlier. He whips Casanova into the ropes, ducks down, presumably looking for a backdrop... only to receive a vicious kick to the face!
Steve Hebert: Good! On top of that, he STOs Mike Phantasy, dropping him on his back! Looking for revenge, Casanova begins to unmercifully pound away at Mike's skull, wanting to beat the life out of him! I don't blame him.
Lifting Mike up, Casanova throws him into his own team's corner, where he and Zimdela do a number on Mike Phantasy, much to the dismay of the fans and Chris Extreme.
Steve Hebert: Zimdela wraps his big, meaty arm around Mike Phantasy's throat, choking the life out of him!
Lex Robinson: All of that while Casanova kicks the snot out of Mike Phantasy, getting retribution for the early defeat. Next, Casanova tags out to Zimdela, who steps inside, instantly going on the attack on Mike Phantasy.
Steve Hebert: Yes, yes! Cut him, Brudon!
Lex Robinson: Still trapped in the corner, Mike is blasted with a bunch of knees to the gut, no doubt blowing the wind out of him. In fact, Zimdela grabs onto Mike's arm and hair... and tosses him halfway across the ring! Fortunately for Mike, he is able to escape by rolling out to the floor... and in comes Shaku Endbringer! Oh boy! These two big boys are going to face-off.
Steve Hebert: Take a shit on him, Zimdela! But then again, Shaku is probably used to do that, now.
Shaku and Zimdela go nose-to-nose, neither man backing down. At first, Zimdela laughs at Shaku; but when he receives a big forearm from the Endbringer, Zimdela's smile soon fades.
Lex Robinson: Here they go! They send strikes back-and-forth at each other! Forearm to Shaku... forearm to Zimdela... forearm to Shaku... forearm to Zimdela! Brudon bounces off the ropes and returns with a shoulderblock, but it doesn't take Shaku down! He bounces off the ropes, yet again... but Shaku goes for a clothesline, which gets ducked!
Steve Hebert: Zimmy bounces off the next set of ropes, going full speed ahead towards Shaku...
Lex Robinson: Jumping shoulderblock! It knocks Shaku against the ropes, but doesn't take him down! Getting back up, Zimdela goes right back at Shaku.
Placing both hands around Shaku's throat, Zimdela goes to choke him out, even trying to lift him in the air. However, using a knee to Zimdela's crotch, Shaku halts that. Instead, Shaku places his own right hand around Zimdela's throat... and chokeslams him down!
Lex Robinson: Chokeslam by Shaku! He goes for the cover on Zimdela! This could be it! Zimdela's return could be over, just like that!
The referee counts...
...1...
Steve Hebert: Are you fuckin' kiding?! That's not enough to take Zimdela out! That's only a simple, friggin' one count.
Lex Robinson: Lifting Zimdela up, Shaku strikes with an elbow to the back of his skull, hoping it'll wear him down. Taking him into a neutral corner, Shaku begins punching and striking him, whipping him into the opposite turnbuckles, with reckless abandon!
Steve Hebert: Shaku follows him in, hoping to squish him in the corner...
Lex Robinson: Zimdela moves!
In a daze, Shaku stumbles out of the corner, with Zimdela laying in wait for him. Clutching onto him, Zimdela sends him flying overhead, nailing a perfect Backdrop Driver!
Lex Robinson: Shaku is dropped on his head!
Steve Hebert: Just like when he was 2 months old!
Lex Robinson: Up to his feet, Zimdela is like a wild animal. He hovers around Shaku, kicking and stomping the life out of him. Dropping some forearms across his throat, Zimdela stands again, bounces off the ropes and returns with a double-stomp across Shaku's chest! All of that weight being pushed down into Shaku's muscular pecs.
Steve Hebert: Those man-tits have been crushed.
For the second time in a row, Zimdela goes to bounce off the ropes. However, as she does, Kelvin Coolidge tags himself in.
Lex Robinson: Wait. Kelvin Coolidge slaps Zimdela across the back. I think that counts as a tag.
Steve Hebert: Ehhh...
Lex Robinson: Confused, Zimdela has no idea what happened. The referee has to explain it to him.
Steve Hebert: Uh oh. Zimdela is annoyed. He grabs Kelvin and flings him over the top rope, throwing him into the ring! Being flung over the top rope is better than not entering, whatsoever... I guess.
Lex Robinson: Exiting, Zimdela lets the match continue, seeing Kelvin rise to his feet, angry, only to put the boots to Shaku.
Steve Hebert: It reminds me of earlier tonight, when Kelvin beat the shit out of him... and then took a shit on him.
Lex Robinson: That was one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen in my tenure with Sin Wrestling. And I've been here for over 5 years, now.
Sitting Shaku up, Kelvin bounces off the ropes and returns with a shocking boot to the face, which absolutely jars the big man. Chris Extreme reaches out, asking for Kelvin to tag him in, but Coolidge ignores this, opting to continue beating down on Shaku.
Lex Robinson: It seems as though a freshly shaven Chris Extreme wants in.
Steve Hebert: Yeah, but Kelvin has everything under control. It's all good.
Kelvin stomps several times on Shaku, trying to add more insult to him. Unfortunately, this seems to rile Shaku up, as he uses the ropes to get to his feet, with the fans cheering him on.
Steve Hebert: Uh, it's all good. Kelvin has all things under control, just like I said.
Lex Robinson: Shrugging off the damage done, Shaku turns around, his face.
Steve Hebert: He should be lucky it isn't brown.
Lex Robinson: Grabbing Kelvin by the shoulders, Shaku uses all of his strength to redirect the flow of things. He heaves Kelvin into the corner and begins to pound away at him, his beefy fists striking Kelvin all over!
Steve Hebert: Oh, how awful!
Lex Robinson: Shaku places Kelvin between his legs...
Steve Hebert: No, Shaku, Kelvin will NOT blow you!
Lex Robinson: He holds him up in a powerbomb position! He's going to powerbomb Kelvin into the corner!
With maximum effort, Shaku powerbombs Kelvin into the turnbuckles! His head snaps dangerously back and he stumbles out of the corner, barely able to stand.
Lex Robinson: And Shaku clotheslines him over the top rope... onto the floor!
Steve Hebert: Son of a--...
Thanks to Kelvin being tossed from the ring, this enables the former World Champion, Teresa Quaranta to enter. Creeping up behind Shaku, she waits for him to turn around...
Lex Robinson: Roundhouse Kick!
Steve Hebert: Right in the stupid, mushed face!
Lex Robinson: Shaku spills out to the floor, falling alongside Kelvin Coolidge!
Just as that happens, Chris Extreme enters the ring and hastily slides up behind Teresa, rolling her up...
Lex Robinson: Chris Extreme rolls Teresa up with a schoolboy...!
Steve Hebert: She's taken by surprise!
The referee counts...
...1...2...
Steve Hebert: Teresa kicks out!
Lex Robinson: Chris is up and he kicks Teresa in the face! If only his dad could see him now!
Steve Hebert: Huh?
Lex Robinson: I have no idea. He scoops her off the mat, backs her in the corner with some punches... and even begins biting her face!
Steve Hebert: Jesus Christ. Maybe he is a werewolf, afterall.
Lex Robinson: He Irish-whips Teresa into the corner and follows in. She uses the ropes to propel herself into the air, going up-and-over Chris! Turning around, she forward rolls into a corner... and tags in Stevie Swing, the World Champion... of all people!
Steve Hebert: She just tagged in the woman that beat her earlier tonight. Stevie isn't happy about this.
Hopping over the ropes, entering the ring, Stevie glares at Chris, turns around... and then tags out to "The Creep", who is now on the apron.
Steve Hebert: That was quick. Good job, Stevie.
Lex Robinson: What the--...?
Steve Hebert: If she doesn't get in the ring, she doesn't lose her title. It's a brilliant move.
Lex Robinson: Old rivals meet in the center of the ring. Chris Carson and Chris Extreme go punch-for-punch, with "The Creep" gaining the upperhand. Having Chris out on his feet, near the ropes, "The Creep" bounces off the furthest set of ropes and comes storming back.
Seeing this, Chris Extreme ducks down, backdropping "The Creep" over the top rope, sending him to the floor!
Steve Hebert: There goes "The Creep"!
Lex Robinson: In comes Casanova...
Casanova aims at Chris Extreme and charges at him...
Lex Robinson: Casanova clotheslines both himself and Chris Extreme over the top rope, and to the floor!
Steve Hebert: In comes Kelvin Coolidge and Zimdela Brudon!
Lex Robinson: Slightly dazed from earlier, Kelvin finds the wits to duck beneath a running clothesline from Zimdela. Furthermore, he jumps up, spins around and connects with a spinning Roundhouse Kick to the back of Zimmy's skull!
Grabbing Zimdela by the arm, Kelvin goes to whip him into the ropes, but the whip is reversed.
Lex Robinson: Zimdela sends Kelvin into the ropes and extends his arm, for a clothesline...
However, Kelvin ducks beneath Zimdela's meaty arm, headed straight towards the next set of ropes...
Lex Robinson: Kelvin Coolidge dives over the top rope and onto Shaku Endbringer, who had still been on the floor, still feeling the effects of a Teresa Quaranta kick! What a dive by Kelvin!
Steve Hebert: He took that big bastard down!
Slingshotting himself into the ring, Mike Phantasy uses the top rope as a springboard and nails Zimdela with a flying dropkick to the back of his skull! Sprawling forward, Zimdela falls across the middle rope, right in front of Kelvin and Shaku, while Chris Extreme and Casanova brawl on the floor!
Lex Robinson: Things are starting to break down a bit...
Steve Hebert: We have Zimdela bent over, laying across the middle rope, like one of his whores... and Mike Phantasy is running at him...
Mike Phantasy jumps onto Zimdela's back, choking him across the rope, while double-jumping onto the top rope, twisting his body around so that he is now facing the inside of the ring.
Lex Robinson: Mike Phantasy with a moonsault out onto Kelvin and Shaku! He accidentally took out his own partner! Good lord!
Steve Hebert: Hey, if it keeps Shaku down, I'm all for it. Let him wallow in his own self-pity and shit.
Lex Robinson: What a magnificent dive by Mike Phantasy... good lord. And now, Teresa Quaranta is in the ring. She's up to something.
Steve Hebert: But she's in there with Zimdela Brudon, her own partner!
Lex Robinson: She's not focusing on him, though. Instead, she's climbing to the top turnbuckle. Seeing the crowd gather on the floor, she dives off...
With a flying somersault, Teresa crashes onto everyone...
Lex Robinson: Teresa Quaranta, obviously incensed with her title loss, knocks everyone down with a somersault dive!
Steve Hebert: Yes! That's how you get back in the game!
As everyone tries to re-assemble on the floor, Chris Carson walks around on the apron portion of the ring. When he gets in position, he measures everyone up and charges...
Lex Robinson: Chris Carson, of all people, takes flight, as well! Good Christ! He crossbodies the entire group of people off the apron, knocking them all back down!
Steve Hebert: Call an ambulance. That old bag just broke a hip.
Finally coming to life in the ring, Zimdela stands to his feet, views the carnage on the floor and turns around.
Steve Hebert: After bashing Chris Extreme's Nazi face off the steel railing, Casanova rolls his nemesis into the ring. Climbing up, about to get back inside, Chris Extreme is quickly attacked by Zimdela Brudon!
Lex Robinson: As Casanova enters the ring, Zimdela hammers away with fists to Chris, hoping to wear him down. In reply, Chris punches Zimdela in the crotch...
Steve Hebert: But he seems to enjoy it! As a matter of fact, Zimdela grabs Chris' hand and forces it onto his crotch, rubbing himself with the hand! Wait... wait... Chris squeezes! Testicle claw!
Lex Robinson: It has no real affect! Zimdela seems to enjoy it. Hell, Chris Extreme is mightily confused.
Attacking Chris from behind, with a boot to his bald head, Casanova forces the hold to be broken. Raking at Chris' eyes, Casanova gestures for Zimdela to hold onto Chris, which he obliges.
Lex Robinson: Zimdela Brudon and Casanova are double-teaming Chris. Casanova instructs Zimdela to grab ahold of Chris' arms, allowing for him to bounce off the ropes...
Steve Hebert: They're going to flatten Chris!
However, before Casanova can strike, Chris wisely stomps on Zimdela's foot, finding an opening, allowing him to escape his clutches!
Lex Robinson: Casanova returns and accidentally connects with a brutal big kick to the face, flooring Zimdela!
Steve Hebert: Aw, shit!
Lex Robinson: From behind, Chris swings Casanova around, kicks him in the gut and goes to suplex him. Fortunately for Casanova, Zimdela is able to rise and hold onto him, before he is dropped on his back.
Steve Hebert: Yeah, but he's being held upside-down by Zimdela!
Taking advantage of this, Chris bounces off the ropes that are behind Zimdela and returns with a kick to the back of his thigh, tripping Zimdela up! Incidentally, this results in Zimdela accidentally piledrivering Casanova!
Steve Hebert: Oh Jesus! That wasn't supposed to happen!
Lex Robinson: Obviously. Thanks to Chris Extreme, Zimdela piledrives Casanova? Now, what is Chris up to?
Standing to his feet, Chris looks around at the fans, who are wild with frenzy. Seeing the carnage outside of the ring, with some of them standing up, Chris decides to get in on the action.
Lex Robinson: Chris runs towards the ropes...
He carelessly flings himself over the top rope, sending himself crashing down on top of everyone!
Lex Robinson: Everyone goes down! It's like a gigantic pit of people out there!
Steve Hebert: Meanwhile, Stevie Swing actually steps into the ring. Seeing an angry Zimdela rise, she smartly steps aside, turns her back on him and focuses on climbing to the top rope.
Lex Robinson: She has no other choice but to get involved somehow.
While on the top turnbuckle, Stevie shrugs her shoulders... and shooting star presses herself to the floor, toppling everyone over yet again!
Lex Robinson: And the bodies hit the floor!
Steve Hebert: Please, no shitty nu-metal songs.
Lex Robinson: Astonishingly enough, she's the first one back up, too.
Steve Hebert: And she's grabbing Shaku Shitbringer by his big, goofy ears. Offering him some kicks to the ribs, she pushes him into the ring.
Lex Robinson: That's her own partner! She's sending him to the wolves! That's not going to be good for him. Getting to his feet, he holds his ribs, turns around and views both Casanova and Zimdela Brudon staring him down.
Steve Hebert: Yes! Kill him! Show him what a piece of shit he is!
Both Zimdela and Casanova pounce, going right after Shaku, who actually holds his own. He blocks a shot from Casanova, responding by punching him in the face, elbowing Zimdela in the head and clotheslining him.
Lex Robinson: Shaku is fighting them off!
Steve Hebert: Ugh... that isn't supposed to happen.
Lex Robinson: Shaku plasters Casanova across the chest with a big chop. Seeing Zimdela charge at him, he connects with a shoulderblock that knocks Zimdela back. Grabbing Zimdela, he spinebusters him down and then pops up to his feet...
Steve Hebert: Only to receive a kick in the gut from Casanova, who pulls him in and double-underhooks him!
Lex Robinson: Casanova is going for that piledriver...
Steve Hebert: ...No!
Lex Robinson: Shaku overpowers him! Using his strength, he bursts his arms free... and backdrops Casanova high into the air!
Feeling a fire rage inside of him, Shaku stands up, turns around... and is struck with a lightning-quick jumping knee from Teresa Quaranta, which knocks him over!
Lex Robinson: Teresa Quaranta slides into the ring, nails Shaku with a jumping-knee... and then suicide dives out of the ring!
Steve Hebert: Everyone falls down, again, including Stevie Swing, who was fighting with Kelvin Coolidge!
Lex Robinson: This again leaves an unconscious Shaku Endbringer in the ring with Casanova and Zimdela Brudon. With ease, Casanova lifts Shaku up and they go to work on him, crippling him with random blows!
Holding Shaku up in a back-suplex position, Zimdela allows for Casanova to move in and deliver a neckbreaker on the way down. With the crowd jeering at them, Zimdela backbreakers Shaku, leaving him to hang there, while Casanova rebounds off the ropes, dropping a leg across his neck!
Lex Robinson: They're just doubling up on Shaku. There's no hope for him.
Steve Hebert: There never was. He failed in his quest to become the World Champion; he failed his chances at becoming the Ultraviolence Champion -- not once, but twice; and now, he's failing to become the Ultimate Survivor.
Lex Robinson: Casanova is peeling Shaku off the canvas. What more can they do to him?
Steve Hebert: Ahhh, haha, you'll see!
Moving into the corner, Zimdela Brudon climbs to the top ropes, while Casanova pushes Shaku into the corner, using some closed-fists. In here, Casanova hoists Shaku up, allowing for Zimdela to bearhug him, while on the middle rope.
Lex Robinson: Oh God, I think I know what's about to come.
Steve Hebert: Zimdela Brudon is about to come -- literally!
Stepping up onto the top rope, Zimdela Brudon jumps through the air, getting some assistance on the way down from Casanova, who adds an extra push!
Lex Robinson: The Very Best in Pain!
Steve Hebert: That's his move! A spinebuster off the top turnbuckle!
Lex Robinson: Shaku is out! He was terrible after the knees from Teresa. He's ten times worse, now.
Steve Hebert: Damn right he's terrible.
Zimdela makes the cover, with Casanova standing over them, hoping to stop anyone from making the count...
Lex Robinson: The count is made...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...
...3!
Lex Robinson: Three! Thanks to Zimdela Brudon and Casanova, Shaku Endbringer has been eliminated.
Steve Hebert: Don't forget to thank Teresa Quaranta's knees!
Lex Robinson: What a sad way for Shaku to go out.
Steve Hebert: I agree. Kelvin should shit on him again.
Lex Robinson: Ugh.
Zimdela Brudon stomps Shaku out of the ring, letting the match continue.
Sliding into the ring, a little too late, is Chris Carson, who immediately targets Casanova, catching him from behind with a forearm to the neck.
Steve Hebert: "The Creep", thanks to the fact that he is reaching 90, and all old people are old and senile, finally slides inside. But it's far too late, Shaku Endbringer is out of here. I mean it, too. This was his last contracted date, thank the lord.
Lex Robinson: Carson hovers over Casanova, striking at him with kicks and punches. He notices Zimdela rise and fends him off, as well. Facelocking Zimdela, he reaches behind and delivers a DDT and a neckbreaker at the same time to both men!
"The Creep" gets to his feet, not noticing Kelvin Coolidge, who has slid into the ring. Walking like a pimp, up to Carson, Kelvin nails "The Creep" with a backhand slap!
Steve Hebert: Kelvin Coolidge pimpslaps "The Creep"!
Lex Robinson: Carson fires back with a punch of his own, but it's blocked. Instead, Kelvin pulls "The Creep" in and uranages him! Jumping up, Kelvin goes to add more damage, but Stevie Swing rolls into the ring...
Steve Hebert: Fortunately, she doesn't have that blood flowing from her nose, like how she did in the opening match. Running up to Kelvin, she strikes with a climbing-enziguiri!
Lex Robinson: Picking Kelvin up, Stevie goes to place him in a piledriver position...
Steve Hebert: Can she do it?!
However, Mike Phantasy slides in...
Steve Hebert: Oh shit, wait...
Lex Robinson: Mike comes up behind Stevie, reverse-facelocks her and hoists her up into the air, in a reverse-suplex position. Slinging her back, he drops down, stunnering her across his right shoulder!
Steve Hebert: Oh Christ, down goes Stevie. She should have just stayed on the ringside, refusing to get in.
Lex Robinson: It probably would have been nicer for her.
After this, Teresa Quaranta slides into the ring. She leaps onto Mike Phantasy's shoulders and Victory Rolls him...!
Steve Hebert: Out of nowhere, Teresa rolls up Mike Phantasy!
The referee counts...
...1...2...
Steve Hebert: No!
Lex Robinson: Chris Extreme slides into the ring, breaking the count with a kick to the face! Pulling Teresa to her feet, Chris whips her into the ring, allowing her to roll beneath an attempted clothesline. Rolling right up to her feet, she leaps into the air, spins around and connects with a spinning kick to the side of Chris' head! Applying a facelock, Teresa tries to wear down Chris, but he uses all of his strength to push her into the corner, smashing her against the turnbuckle pads.
Steve Hebert: Aw, crap, Chris is able to free himself and then switch around behind Teresa, going for a German suplex, appropriately enough.
Lex Robinson: Clinching tight, Teresa stops the German suplex and delivers some elbows to Chris Extreme's head. However, here comes Zimdela Brudon...
Steve Hebert: All rules have pretty much gone out the window. At this point in time, the referee is thinking of Christmas and being drunk and passed out underneath the tree.
Zimdela rushes up behind Chris, who continues to try and German suplex Teresa. However, Zimdela reaches around both of them... and German suplexes both of them, instead!
Lex Robinson: Wow!
Steve Hebert: Zimdela Brudon sends both Chris and Teresa flying!
When Zimdela rises, Chris Carson revives and walks towards him, chopping him across the chest, while Teresa and Chris Extreme roll to the floor. "The Creep" goes to Irish-whip Zimdela into the opposite corner, but the whip is reversed!
Lex Robinson: Zimdela sends Chris Carson into the corner. He follows in and goes to avalanche him against the corner, which would surely sandwich him!
Steve Hebert: "The Creep" gets his foot up! Zimdela stumbles back and Carson moves up to him...
Lex Robinson: "The C.C. Crash"! "The Creep" makes the cover...
The referee drops down, making the count...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...
Just as the two-count is made, Casanova rushes over, nailing "The Creep" with a stiff kick to the temple!
Steve Hebert: Casanova saves Zimdela!
Lex Robinson: I'm surprised that you're even saying that Zimdela needs saving.
Steve Hebert: Well... that, too.
Pulling Chris Carson to his feet, Casanova gives him some throat thrusts, backs him against the ropes and pulls him out with one arm. With a back elbow, Casanova back-elbows "The Creep" and then hoists him up into a suplex position. Laying Carson's feet across the top rope, Casanova is seconds away from dropping him with a hanging-DDT.
Steve Hebert: Casanova is going to drop "The Creep" on his head! Kill him once and for all!
Before he can, though, Teresa Quaranta pushes Chris Extreme away, climbs to the top rope and dives off, nailing a flying double-knee shot to Carson's back!
Lex Robinson: My God, "The Creep" has been floored!
Steve Hebert: Plus Casanova keeps kicking at him, making sure Carson rolls out of the ring, in pain. Goddamn excellent.
Lex Robinson: Mike Phantasy is in, now. He spins Casanova around, kicks him in the gut and goes for his Phantasize superkick. Here it comes...!
Steve Hebert: Casanova ducks! If only that had happened earlier tonight!
Lex Robinson: Crotched on the top rope, Mike Phantasy is in prime position for a clothesline from an attacking Zimdela Brudon, which sends him out of the ring!
Casanova and Zimdela Brudon are again the only two standing in the ring. They are soon joined by Mike Phantasy and Kelvin Coolidge, who go right at them.
Lex Robinson: Kelvin Coolidge jumps at Zimdela, knocking them both over the top rope, landing on the apron! Mike Phantasy, in the meantime nails Casanova with a running-forearm, stunning him! With a spin wheel kick, Mike Phantasy knocks Casanova out of the ring, in a state of delirium!
Annoyed by that, Teresa slides into the ring, runs at Mike Phantasy, jumps into the air and nails him with a high-knee! Mike Phantasy is knocked back into his corner, where he takes a spot laying on the apron!
Lex Robinson: And now Teresa takes out Mike Phantasy, who took her partner out!
Steve Hebert: Just kill him.
Behind the action, Stevie Swing slides into the ring, creeps up on Teresa and rolls her up from behind.
Lex Robinson: Whoa... whoa... O'Connor Roll by Stevie Swing!
Steve Hebert: Is Stevie going to defeat Teresa twice in one night?!
Lex Robinson: Stevie is pushing down...
The referee counts...
...1...
Lex Robinson: One...!
...2...
Lex Robinson: Two...!
...
Steve Hebert: No! Teresa kicks out, pushing Stevie forward, off her legs!
This push forces Stevie to go flying forward, stumbling right into Kelvin Coolidge, knocking him off the side of the apron, as he was standing next to Zimdela Brudon!
Lex Robinson: Stevie Swing and Kelvin Coolidge bash their coconuts together.
Steve Hebert: Did you just use "coconuts" as a metaphor for their head? Really now?
Zimdela Brudon steps back into the ring, watching one of his partners, Teresa Quaranta, stand to her feet. He goes to stand back in his corner, only to have Chris Extreme roll into the ring, jump in the air and...
Lex Robinson: Chris Extreme thrusts his rear-end at Zimdela, bashing him in the face! As a result, Zimdela falls off the apron and collapses hard on the floor!
Steve Hebert: Oh no... Zimdela goes falling to the floor; all because of Chris Extreme, who turns around, sizing Teresa up!
Just as Teresa Quaranta stands, Chris Extreme steps up to her, quickly drops to one knee and applies the Cunt/Testicle Claw!
Steve Hebert: Jesus! This is not good! She's the former World Champ! He can't do that to her!
Lex Robinson: Chris seems to be checking around... feeling her up.
Steve Hebert: Call the cops!
Lex Robinson: He looks shocked... what is he checking for?
Annoyed by the testicle/cunt claw, Teresa fires back with a snapping knee to the face, striking Chris in the nose!
Steve Hebert: Good! She escapes!
Mike Phantasy, coming from nowhere, hops over the top rope... and connects with the Phantasize to Teresa's face!
Steve Hebert: No! She didn't see that coming!
Lex Robinson: Phantasize! He hits her with Phantasize!
Flopping down, Mike Phantasy covers Teresa, hooks a leg and rolls her up...
Lex Robinson: The count is being made...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...!
Steve Hebert: No! This can't happen!
...3!
Lex Robinson: Mike Phantasy takes out Teresa Quaranta, the former World Champion!
Steve Hebert: Ughhh... so much for her regaining the title.
Dizzy, Teresa slides out of the ring, horrified about losing her chance at regaining the World Title. Slapping her hands off the canvas, she is forced to the back by the referee, while holding her jaw, feeling the effects of Mike Phantasy's boot.
Lex Robinson: Teresa Quaranta is out of here! The fans are on their feet, harassing her as she walks to the back.
Steve Hebert: What fucking bastards.
Casanova rolls into the ring, angered at the loss of one of his partners. Focusing on Mike Phantasy, he knees him in the temple, turns him around... \
Lex Robinson: He hits Destiny Calling!
Steve Hebert: Yes!
Lex Robinson: Slowly, but surely, Casanova covers Mike...
The referee counts...
...1...
Steve Hebert: This is it...!
...2...
Steve Hebert: Retribution...
...
Lex Robinson: Chris Extreme reaches into the ring, yanks Casanova off Mike Phantasy and pulls him to the floor!
Steve Hebert: No! What the fuck, Chris?!
Lex Robinson: He clobbers Casanova with a punch to the skull, following that up by bashing his face off the ring railing! Inside the ring, Stevie Swing slides inside, along with Zimdela Brudon, who is the first on the attack. Nailing some elbows across Stevie's back and skull, Zimdela corners her, squishing his body against her petite frame.
Steve Hebert: The wonder of all of this is that Zimdela has been well-rested, all night. Whereas Stevie had that tough battle earlier tonight.
Delivering some punches, Zimdela backs Stevie against the ropes and delivers some back-elbows to her face. Hoisting her into the air, Zimdela military presses her above his head... and then throws her to the outside, having her crash onto Mike Phantasy and Kelvin Coolidge, who are regrouping on the floor!
Lex Robinson: Oh my...!
Steve Hebert: Holy Jesus! Zimdela flings Stevie to the floor, like a ragdoll!
Lex Robinson: Zimdela shouldn't celebrate for long, though. Here comes "The Creep"!
Steve Hebert: That awful, useless old bastard blindsides Zimdela with an attack, too! From behind Zimdela, he digs his fingers into Zimmy's eyes, temporarily blinding him.
Lex Robinson: Fight fire with fire, I say.
Steve Hebert: And now Carson is repeatedly elbowing Zimdela across the skull, until he is leaning against the middle rope!
Lex Robinson: Lighting Zimdela up with some lefts and rights, Carson peppers the man that he trapped in a closet.
Steve Hebert: The only person that should be trapped in a closet is "The Creep".
After Casanova dumps Chris Extreme on the floor with a Tombstone, he climbs up onto the ring apron, pining for Zimdela to tag out. Unfortunately, he's trapped against the ropes, getting smothered with punches from Chris Carson.
Lex Robinson: Dragging Zimdela into the corner, "The Creep" relentlessly punches away at Zimdela's skull, knocking him loopy. Climbing onto the middle rope, Carson clenches his fist and fires away at Zimdela's head, with the crowd happily counting along.
...1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...
Steve Hebert: Ughhh.
He looks out at the fans, yelling at them, getting more support. Before he can strike for the tenth time, Zimdela Brudon reaches up and lowblows "The Creep"!
Steve Hebert: Yes! That's how you stop that!
Lex Robinson: Carson falls off the middle rope, holding his crotch, allowing for Zimdela to knee him in the temple. Wandering into his corner, Zimdela tags out to Casanova.
Steve Hebert: Come on, Cas, finish this old son of a bitch off.
Like a voracious animal, Casanova enters the ring, dropping a knee across Carson's head. Pulling "The Creep" to his feet, Casanova places both hands around Carson's throat, lifting him into the air.
Steve Hebert: Here we go. Casanova is going to heave "The Creep" to the outside! Kill him!
Lex Robinson: Casanova charges forward, about to throw out Carson...
Before he can, though, "The Creep" inhumanely kicks Casanova between the legs, settling himself back on the canvas! Striking with some fists, Carson nails a DDT, out of sheer desperation!
Lex Robinson: After stopping being thrown to the outside, Chris Carson DDTs Casanova!
Steve Hebert: No! Goddamnit!
Lex Robinson: Casanova sits up, holding the top of his head, slightly dazed. Looking over his shoulder, he looks at Chris Carson, who is crawling into his corner-...
Steve Hebert: Like a little baby, mind you.
Lex Robinson: He's reaching out to tag in Stevie Swing, but she appears rather ambivalent.
Steve Hebert: As long as she stays out on the apron, she can't be pinned; nor can she lose the World Title.
Reaching out, Carson tries to tag in Stevie, but she turns her head away. Even so, he continues to crawl towards her, but Casanova latches onto his foot, trying to hold him back.
Lex Robinson: Clasping his clawlike hands around Carson's foot, Casanova halts "The Creep"'s progress! He pulls him up to his feet, atomic drops "The Creep" and bounces off the nearby set of ropes...
Swiftly returning, Casanova nails a somersault-lariat!
Lex Robinson: Aw, man, Casanova takes "The Creep" back down!
Steve Hebert: Taking some time out to taunt Chris Extreme's corner, including Kelvin Coolidge and Mike Phantasy, Casanova turns around--...
Lex Robinson: Only to walk directly into a lowblow from "The Creep"!
Steve Hebert: Oh no...
Jumping to his feet, Chris Carson takes a long, deep breath. He pulls Casanova into him.
Lex Robinson: "The C.C. Bomb"! Chris Carson hits one of his famous moves!
Steve Hebert: Yeah, but he doesn't have the energy to roll over and cover Casanova!
Aware of Carson's energy depletion, Stevie Swing moves to the side, getting closer to "The Creep". From this position, she uses the bottom rope to gain some distance, allowing her to tag herself in.
Lex Robinson: Wait a second! Now she tags in! You've got to be kidding me! She didn't want to be in, beforehand!
Like a bat out of hell, Stevie Swing climbs to the top rope.
Steve Hebert: She's gonna fly...
She pulls a Yamaka out of her tights, places it on her head and dives off...
Lex Robinson: "Five Star of David" Frog Splash!
A second after she lands on Casanova, she pops up to her feet, runs at Zimdela Brudon and strikes him with "The Last Dance", knocking him off the apron!
Steve Hebert: Whoa! She catches Zimdela sleeping on the apron!
Lex Robinson: He falls onto the floor! Stevie Swing covers Casanova...!
The referee drops down, making the count...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...
Steve Hebert: Stevie is a genius!
...3!
Steve Hebert: Holy crap! She's taken out Casanova! She took out last year's winner!
Lex Robinson: Mother of God! I fully expected Casanova to walk out as the victor, too!
Steve Hebert: You and me both.
Rolling on his side, Casanova exits the ring, wide-eyed and confused about what just happened. Angry, he storms to the back, obviously disappointed about his inability to repeat as the Ultimate Survivor.
Steve Hebert: Man, he is pissed.
Lex Robinson: Zimdela is all alone.
Steve Hebert: He's the last person standing for his team. Oh God, if anyone can do it, it's him.
Watching as Casanova walks to the back, the World Champion, Stevie Swing mocks him, laughing at his expense. As a result, she doesn't see Mike Phantasy enter the ring behind her.
Steve Hebert: Watch out, Stevie, the match is still going on.
Mike Phantasy spins Stevie around, kicks her in the stomach and pulls her close.
Lex Robinson: "Crescent Driver"!
Steve Hebert: No!
Lex Robinson: Mike pops up, grabs ahold of Stevie's legs and applies "DEstiny Revision"!
Steve Hebert: No, no, no! Her leg is damaged enough as it is!
Horrifying howls of pain can be heard from Stevie, who is slapping the canvas, in agony! After several seconds, she officially submits, unable to take the pain any longer!
Steve Hebert: What?!
Lex Robinson: Holy shit! We're going to have a new World Champion... again!
Steve Hebert: But she only won earlier tonight! This is not fair! I knew she shouldn't have entered the ring. What the Christ?! Fuck you, Mike Phantasy!
Lex Robinson: The crowd has gone absolutely bonkers! They can't believe it, either. Stevie Swing has been eliminated!
As Zimdela Brudon slides back into the ring, he immediately goes after Mike Phantasy, taking him down with a spear!
Lex Robinson: Both Team Creep and Team Casanova are down to one person apiece! Team Extreme, in contrast, is still intact!
In the meantime, Stevie Swing rolls out to the floor, staying there, as she holds her knee, in obvious pain.
Steve Hebert: Poor Stevie. She's laying out here, unable to stand. This is so sad.
When she finally does get up, she looks shocked. There's horror on her face, as she tries to climb back into the ring, wanting to get into the match. However, random Sin Wrestling officials grab on to her, dragging her way, much to her displeasure.
Steve Hebert: Let her in. This is not fair. Poor Stevie. She can't go out like that, with such a short World Title reign.
Lex Robinson: She gets what she deserves. Either way, by the end of the night, we're gonna have a new... NEW World Champion. For the first time ever, the Sin Wrestling title will change hands twice in the same night.
Steve Hebert: Only Zimdela can save us, now. Only Zimdela can put SW out of its misery. Or maybe even Kelvin Coolidge. Please, Jesus, let one of the win this goddamn thing.
Lex Robinson: The person you're backing is currently beating the hell out of Mike Phantasy, in the corner. Throwing Mike from pillar to post, Zimdela whips him from corner-to-corner, doing so at least 5 times in a row. Man, Mike is going to be sore from that. His back is going to kill him.
The last time Zimdela throws Mike into a corner, he goes to follow in with another avalanche splash. Exactly like the last time he tried this move, it fails.
Lex Robinson: Zimdela runs in, about to squash Mike Phantasy like a grape! However, Mike mule kicks him, knocking him senseless!
Steve Hebert: Damnit, Zimmy. Don't fuck this up. You have to pull through this.
Rocketing onto the top rope, Mike Phantasy takes a breather and jumps through the air, attempting to bring Zimdela down with a flying crossbody.
Lex Robinson: Mike flies like a bird...
Steve Hebert: Zimdela Brudon catches him! Yes!
Lex Robinson: Uh oh. Transferring Mike from a scoop position, to a reverse fireman's carry position, Zimdela applies a Torture Rack!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Break his back! Cripple him! If I don't see Mike Phantasy shitting himself and being pushed around in a wheelchair by the end of the night, I'm not going to be pleased.
Pangs of pain and terror are heard in Mike's cries. Reaching out for the ropes, he realizes they're too far away and that he cannot escape the punishment. Fortunately for him, Kelvin Coolidge takes things into his hands.
Steve Hebert: Don't do this, Kelvin!
Lex Robinson: Kelvin Coolidge enters the ring, blowing past the referee...
Steve Hebert: You're supposed to be the President of the United States, Kelvin. Where is diplomacy when you need it?!
Kelvin claws and rakes at Zimdela's face/eyes, but it's no good; Zimdela refuses to release Mike Phantasy. Swinging Mike around, Zimdela uses Phantasy's own body to inflict damage onto Coolidge, knocking him into the corner.
Steve Hebert: Zimmy uses Mike's own body as a battering him, smashing him into his own partner!
Lex Robinson: Zimdela moves towards the ropes... and he throws Mike to the floor, using a reverse Death Valley Driver to the outside! Oh my God! Mike Phantasy crashes, landing severely hard on his face!
Steve Hebert: So much for those good looks.
As Kelvin lays against the corner, Zimdela turns to him, ready to unleash damage onto him. In here, Zimdela blatantly chokes Kelvin, causing him to turn a shade of blue in the face!
Lex Robinson: Zimdela is choking the life out of Kelvin Coolidge!
Steve Hebert: It's about time we had some murder. Granted, it's on the guy that shit on Shaku Endbringer, but still.
Lex Robinson: Using his strength, Zimdela sits Kelvin on the top rope. Oh no, he might be going for another Very Best in Pain.
Steve Hebert: That's good for Zimdela; absolutely disastrous for Kelvin. This will be worse than 9/11.
Lex Robinson: Kelvin makes an unsuccessful attempt at fending Zimdela off. It only leads to Brudon climbing up there with him. He really is going for it, too!
In the meantime, Chris Carson has finally risen to his feet, after taking some time out on the ring apron. Looking inside the ring, he views Zimdela in a precarious position and moves in.
Lex Robinson: As Zimdela tries to place Kelvin into position, Chris Carson moves in...
Steve Hebert: I thought he was dead already! Son of a whore!
Lex Robinson: Creeping up on his competitors--...
Steve Hebert: Pun intended, of course.
Lex Robinson: Chris Carson ducks underneath Zimdela, trying to powerbomb him!
Steve Hebert: He realizes this... and opts to rub his testicles in "The Creep"s face! Great defensive strategy!
Lex Robinson: Wait...
Thanks to some assistance from "The Creep", Kelvin finds an opening and is able to hit Zimdela with a somersault-neckbreaker off the top rope, while Carson powerbombs, obviously disgusted!
Steve Hebert: Goddamnit!
Lex Robinson: Zimdela falls flat on his back! Chris Carson covers Zimdela...!
The referee drops down, making the count...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...
Steve Hebert: No! Kelvin kicks Chris Carson in the back of his skull! The count is stopped! Thank God!
Lex Robinson: What the hell?! Why would he do that?!
Steve Hebert: Hell if I know or care. He just did it, that's all I'm about.
Furious, Chris Carson jumps to his feet, only to be struck by Kelvin Coolidge, who then tosses him into the ropes. Kelvin swings his arm at "The Creep", looking for a clothesline, but it's ducked.
Lex Robinson: Chris Carson ducks the clothesline. He bounces off the next set of ropes... and Kelvin tries for an enziguiri! "The Creep" ducks that, as well! He grabs both of Kelvin's legs and flings him across the ring with a wheelbarrow suplex!
Steve Hebert: Jesus Christ!
Looking for sanctity, Kelvin rolls out of the ring, holding the back of his skull. "The Creep" goes to follow him out, but before he can, Zimdela Brudon yanks him back into the ring.
Steve Hebert: Zimdela's got "The Creep"! He applies a full-nelson. Look, let me try that on you, Lex.
Lex Robinson: No! Get away. Attempting to full-nelson suplex "The Creep", Zimdela is blocked! Ripping his arms away, Chris Carson spins around him and applies a full-nelson of his own.
Steve Hebert: Carson's crotch presses against Zimdela's buttocks... and Zimdela begins to gyrate, rubbing his behind on "The Creep"'s cock! Gayest thing, ever.
Horrified, "The Creep" lets go of the hold, allowing for Zimdela to spin around and nail him with a stiff forearm to the jaw. Seeing Carson stumble around in front of him, Zimdela bounces off the nearest ropes and comes flying back with another running-forearm...
Lex Robinson: "The Creep" ducks down!
Steve Hebert: As a result, Zimdela slams right into the referee, knocking him out to the floor!
Lex Robinson: This is good news to Chris Extreme, who runs in... only to have Zimdela punch him square in the jaw! Grabbing Chris by the neck, he throws him recklessly to the floor, where Chris lands with a sickening thud!
As Zimdela has his back turned, Chris Carson jumps him from behind, nailing him with punches. "The Creep" goes to backdrop him, but Zimdela grounds his weight, making it unable for him to be lifted into the air.
Steve Hebert: Those extra sperm-coated donuts serve Zimdela well.
Lex Robinson: Headlocking Carson, Zimdela unloads with punches...
Steve Hebert: Noogie, noogie!
Lex Robinson: He grabs Chris Carson, pulls him in... and Fisherman Brainbusters him!
Steve Hebert: "The Creep" is finally dead. Praise his name.
Standing to his feet, Zimdela looks down at "The Creep", spits on him and rubs his crotch. Listening to the jeers pour in, Zimdela realizes the referee is unconscious and decides to roll to the outside.
Steve Hebert: Zimdela is up to something...
Lex Robinson: He pushes the ring announcer away. Our poor, pathetic, tiny ring announcer. He takes a chair... uh oh...
Steve Hebert: Both he and the chair slide into the ring. "The Creep" is going to get it, now.
Lex Robinson: When he's back in the ring, Zimdela opens the chair and sits on it, waiting for Chris Carson to rise.
Steve Hebert: He's taking a load off, while preparing to unleash a load on Chris Carson.
Standing up, Zimdela folds the chair, waiting for Chris Carson to rise.
Lex Robinson: Oh God, this is not good. Chris Carson is in trouble. The referee can't stop this. He's the last person on his team, so there's no one on his side to stop this. He's in deep, deep trouble.
Steve Hebert: Bring on a massive concussion or death. It's the only thing I want. Kill him!
Using the ropes to stand, Chris Carson is seconds away from turning into a vicious chairshot from Zimdela...
Lex Robinson: Oh no...
Suddenly, everyone's attention turns towards the entrance. Corey Ashton, Chris Carson's former tag team partner, is running down to the ringside area.
Lex Robinson: Yes! Here comes Corey Ashton to make the save!
Steve Hebert: What the-...?! No! Get him out of here! Where's all that security that was out here earlier during the Swing/Quarantits match?!
When Zimdela Brudon holds the chair over his head, Corey Ashton slides into the ring. Without a second thought, he aggressively yanks the chair out of Zimdela's hands, getting a grand cheer from everyone!
Lex Robinson: Corey Ashton has made the sav--...
...and then Corey turns and whacks "The Creep" in the skull with the chair!
Lex Robinson: No! Oh, no!
Steve Hebert: Haha! Yes! Oh God, yes! Rest in peace, the Sultans of Sin!
Throwing down the chair, Corey Ashton exits the ring, to a chorus of boos. Walking to the back, he is swamped with jeers, showing no emotion, as he walks through the curtains, walking to the back.
Lex Robinson: I... I... I'm speechless. I have no idea what to say.
Steve Hebert: I, for one, am glorious.
Lex Robinson: I can't believe this has happened.
Steve Hebert: Believe it, asshole.
Lex Robinson: Even Zimdela looks stunned. Grabbing Chris Carson, he pulls him to his feet, throws him into the corner and places him on the top turnbuckle. Oh no, this is the end...
Steve Hebert: Chris Carson's chances at becoming a two-time World Champion is coming to an end...
Lex Robinson: Zimdela Brudon with The Very Best in Pain! The pinfall is made!
Steve Hebert: Get back in there, you dumb ref!
The groggy referee slowly gets to his feet on the floor. Looking inside, he realizes Zimdela Brudon is covering Chris Carson. He rolls in, making a delayed count...
......1......
Lex Robinson: One...!
......2......
Lex Robinson: Two...!
Steve Hebert: He's going to do it!
......3!
Steve Hebert: He's done it! Chris Carson is out of here! "Team Creep" has finally been eliminated! Thank fucking Jesus.
Lex Robinson: I feel sick.
Steve Hebert: Oh, cheer up, little emo Lex.
The referee aides Chris Carson out of the ring, rolling him out of the ring. Absolutely destroyed, he is helped to the back by several officials, too woozy to stand on his own accord.
Steve Hebert: It's down to 4 men! It's basically 3-on-1, too. Zimdela Brudon is the sole survivor of Team Casanova; whereas Team Extreme still has everyone left.
Lex Robinson: They're gathering around on the floor, too. Chris Extreme is instructing a dizzy Mike Phantasy and an annoyed Kelvin Coolidge to circle around, attempting to psyche Zimdela Brudon out.
Steve Hebert: Not going to happen. Zimdela Brudon is the master of mind games.
Lex Robinson: Aware of his lack of numbers, Zimdela focuses on his opponents, beckoning for them, not backing off one bit.
Slapping himself, Zimdela revs himself up, readying for action. He calls for his three opponents to enter the ring.
Steve Hebert: Zimdela looks into the abyss and shows no fear. He's welcoming Chris Extreme, Kelvin Coolidge and Mike Phantasy into the ring. The three of them take to different sides of the ring, with Mike the first to jump onto the apron. Right away, Zimdela knocks him off with a stiff right-handed punch. Here comes Kelvin Coolidge, who tries to slide into the ring, on the other side, only to receive some stomps from a wild Zimdela!
Lex Robinson: Chris Extreme is on the apron, now...
Steve Hebert: Zimdela with a forearm to Extreme! He's going nuts!
Lex Robinson: Kelvin Coolidge is officially in, while Zimdela punches away at Chris Extreme. From behind, Kelvin wraps his arms around Zimdela's neck, trying to choke him out, even jumping onto his back!
Steve Hebert: Zimdela throws him overhead, though! Bam! He's gone insane!
Hoping to gain revenge for Zimdela manhandling him earlier, Mike Phantasy is able to climb to the top rope, rocketing off with a flying dropkick! Unfortunately, it doesn't send Zimdela down, it only knocks him into the opposite corner.
Lex Robinson: Maybe that'll do it. Zimdela has been sent into the corner. Jumping up, a wobbling Mike Phantasy runs into the corner, trying to monkey flip Zimdela. It's useless, though. Zimdela hangs onto the ropes, holding his position. Blasting a forearm into Mike's face, Zimdela sends him falling back, following that up by double-stomping his chest!
Steve Hebert: That's a collapsed lung right there! Either that or a broken chest bone. He came crashing down on Mike Phantasy without a care in the world.
Lex Robinson: Grabbing Mike by his hair, Zimdela lifts him up. Nailing him with some headbutts, he is attacked from behind, yet again, by Kelvin Coolidge, who tries to chopblock his knee out from under him. Shrugging this off, Zimdela takes both Phantasy and Coolidge and rams their head together with a double-headbutt!
Steve Hebert: Zimdela Brudon is singlehandedly dismantling Chris Extreme!
Letting Mike Phantasy collapse to the mat, Zimdela grabs Kelvin, holds him near and places him between his legs with a standing headscissors.
Steve Hebert: Raking his fingernails across Kelvin's back, Zimdela rubs his testicles against the back of Coolidge's skull and then pulls him up onto his shoulders. Within seconds, he powerbombs Kelvin Coolidge onto Mike Phantasy! Goddamn!
Lex Robinson: He truly is destroying them, too. I've never seen anything like it. He picks up Mike Phantasy, clotheslines him to the floor and turns back to Kelvin Coolidge. He makes a cover...
The referee drops down, starting his count...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...
...
Lex Robinson: Chris Extreme runs up and kicks Zimdela Brudon in the face, stopping the count! Holy lord, that was close!
Shrugging off the kick, Zimdela stands to his feet, grabs Chris Extreme and then sidewalk slams him!
Lex Robinson: Quickly stifling Chris Extreme's attack, Zimdela lifts him back up and begins biting his nose!
Steve Hebert: Good lord. I think he has just given Chris Extreme HIV!
Lex Robinson: Using a series of repeated knees, Zimdela backs Chris in the corner, where he begins battering him with some back-elbows. With a harsh uppercut, Zimdela nearly lobs off Chris Extreme's head!
In the corner, Zimdela lifts Chris on his shoulders and sits him on the top rope. Climbing up alongside him, he prepares for another Very Best in Pain.
Lex Robinson: Things are looking bad for Chris. Zimdela is setting up for another top rope spinebuster. If he hits this, it's lights out and he'll be one step closer to the World Title.
Steve Hebert: That's music to my beautiful, handsome ears.
Zimdela bearhugs Chris and begins to climb onto the top rope, almost ready to hit his move. However, Chris becomes aware of his predicament and instantly springs to life.
Lex Robinson: He isn't dead yet! Chris has sprung alive and is sprinkling Zimdela with a myriad of punches! Goddamn, he's firing on all cylinders!
Steve Hebert: Son of a--...
Having things turned in his favor, Chris Extreme strikes Zimdela down, knocking him down a notch. With blood pouring from his nose, where Zimdela gnawed on him, Chris Extreme sets him up for a Cock Factor.
Steve Hebert: Aw, fuck...
Lex Robinson: Chris Extreme is going to hit his move! This is it! It has to be!
Steve Hebert: And now he's pulling out his cock, just great.
Pulling down his Grinch-skinned boxers, Chris Extreme pulls out his cock and slaps Zimdela across the face with it several times.
Steve Hebert: Ew, oh god, why.
Lex Robinson: He's either trying to humiliate Zimdela... or arouse him. I'm not even sure! Either way, here goes nothing...
Chris Extreme and Zimdela Brudon go flying through the air, with Chris going for the Cock Factor. However, in mid-air, Zimdela chomps down on Chris Extreme's cock, which had been dangling out of his boxers!
Steve Hebert: Did... did...
Lex Robinson: Oh my God...
Both men land on the canvas, with Chris obviously in way more pain than Zimdela Brudon, who stands up, wiping crotch blood off his face.
Lex Robinson: Zimdela Brudon has just reversed the Cock Factor... by biting into Chris Extreme's very own penis!
Steve Hebert: It's hanging halfway off! My God, he's losing blood by the second! Someone call an ambulance... or John Wayne Bobbit. Merciful Christ, now I think I'm going to be sick!
Smiling viciously, laughing at nearly ripping off Chris Extreme's male appendage, Zimdela Brudon hovers over his fallen opponent.
Lex Robinson: I guess this counts as revenge from 2005, when Chris Extreme defeated him at Glorifying Lust!
Steve Hebert: Having someone bite into your cock is worse than being shot in the face! It's worse than losing the World Title. It's worse than being sodomized by a big, black guy. This is horrifying! My stomach... dear God...
Lex Robinson: And the blood on Zimdela's face just makes it all more sickening. Chris' penis is just hangling there, dangling by a thread, blood squirting out of it. This is sickening!
Chris rolls around, holding his crotch, trying to stuff it back into his boxers, staining his boxers. Showing zero remorse, Zimdela walks in, grabs Chris Extreme's foot and drags him into the center of the ring.
Steve Hebert: Zimdela is going to cover him. This is it!
Lex Robinson: Dropping to his knees, he makes the cover...
The referee counts...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...
Steve Hebert: Fuck, no! Chris Extreme kicks out! How the hell did he do that?!
Lex Robinson: This is insane!
A second after Chris kicks out, Kelvin Coolidge climbs to the top rope and dives off, driving a flying knee into the back of Zimdela's skull!
Lex Robinson: Oh, wait! Out of nowhere, Kelvin smashes his knee into Zimdela's skull! And now he is making the cover!
Steve Hebert: Uh oh...
Again, the referee counts...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: Zimdela kicks out!
Steve Hebert: Good! Of course he does.
Fighting his way to his feet, Zimdela shakes off the pain, attacking Kelvin Coolidge. Getting up, he nails him with some palm thrusts to the nose, which knock him backwards, only to then grab his head and then bash his skull off the turnbuckle pads.
Steve Hebert: There's no stopping Zimdela! He's unstoppable!
Lex Robinson: Mike Phantasy arrives, coming behind Zimdela. Mike with the kick to Zimdela's kidneys. Thanks to this, both he and Kelvin Coolidge begin pounding away on him! They're trying to get him down, but it's not working. Showing a sign of rejuvenation, Zimdela springs up, pushing both men off!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Zimdela back-elbows Kelvin; swings at Mike Phantasy; turns to Chris Extreme... oh no...
Lex Robinson: A bloody Chris Extreme stands up, kicks Zimdela in the crotch and then stunners him!
Steve Hebert: Agh!
Lex Robinson: He turns around... and walks right into the "Phantasize" superkick from Mike Phantasy!
Absolutely stunned, Zimdela turns around again, only to walk right into Thirty Degrees Celsius from Kelvin Coolidge!
Steve Hebert: Kelvin puts down Zimdela! He covers!
In fact, not only does Kelvin cover Zimdela; but so does Chris Extreme. Even Mike Phantasy jumps on the dogpile, holding Zimdela down...
Steve Hebert: They all jump on him!
Lex Robinson: The referee counts...!
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...
...
Steve Hebert: Push 'em off, Zimmy! C'mon!
...3!
Steve Hebert: Aw, crap.
Just after the three is counted, Zimdela pushes everyone off him, but it is too little too late! It is now down to the final three.
Lex Robinson: Zimdela doesn't escape the count in time! Oh man, that was so close for him.
Steve Hebert: Why, damnit, why? At least I have Kelvin Coolidge to back, now.
Lex Robinson: We're down to the final three. All of whom are members of Team Extreme, the only team to not lose a single member. Wow!
An angry Zimdela is on his feet, annoyed at being eliminated. The referee tries to get him to leave, but he is flung halfway across the ring, resulting in Zimdela going after the members of Team Extreme.
Lex Robinson: Oh no, now what? Get out of here, Zimdela. You lost, fair and square!
Steve Hebert: They dogpiled on him! How was that fair?!
Lex Robinson: It was within the rules, Steve. Get real.
Mike Phantasy tries to count-attack Zimdela Brudon, but he receives a lowblow for his efforts.
Lex Robinson: Zimdela gets in a shot to Mike Phantasy and his crotch. Turning him around, he reverse-facelocks him and brings him down with a reverse Brainbuster! Mike Phantasy has just been dropped on his skull!
Steve Hebert: Here comes Kelvin, who is trying to get rid of Zimdela, but he receives a shot to the gonads, as well. Placing both hands around Kelvin's throat, Zimdela lifts him up... and then drops him back down with a chokebomb! Man... that had to hurt! He was driven hard into the canvas.
Lex Robinson: A bloodied Chris Extreme walks over to Zimdela, battling him with some rights and lefts. He almost has the upperhand, until Zimdela gauges him in the eye! Giving him a punch to the crotch, Chris Extreme's one current weakness, Zimdela pulls him in with a standing headscissors. Uh oh...
Steve Hebert: He goes all the way and lifts Chris up into a powerbomb position, too! And... he turns towards us... Jesus Christ, get out of the way!
Lunging forward, Zimdela Brudon heads towards the ropes, using all of his speed to powerbomb Chris Extreme from inside of the ring, to the outside! To make matters worse, CHris goes flying through the air, crashing through the announcer's table, sending chunks of wood, monitors and headphones everywhere! Not even Lex Robinson can get out of the way of a crashing Chris Extreme, as he is crushed, as well!
Lex Robinson: Agghh....hmpphhhffhhhhhhhhh...
Steve Hebert, who had abandoned his position, returns to the destroyed booth, placing his headset back on.
Steve Hebert: Hello, hello? Is this thing working? Zimdela Brudon has just sent Chris Extreme flying through our table... and even onto Lex Robinson, who is having a hard time trying to recompose himself! Holy shit, it's absolute mayhem at ringside.
After delivering out some punishment, Zimdela stands in the center of the ring, blowing a kiss to the fans, who reply with heavy jeers. Finally, he exits the ring, leaving a long trail of carnage behind.
Steve Hebert: Everyone is down! Thank fucking Christ I was able to move by fat self out of the way. The extra cardio has come in handy. That was dangerously close. As for Lex, well, he's still stuck beneath a bleeding Chris Extreme, getting covered in dickblood. Trust me, people, it's an awful sight to behold.
Rolling himself out from underneath a fallen Chris Extreme and chunks of wooden table, Lex Robinson is able to sit back on his chair, placing his headset back on. He's obviously groggy, having been crushed against the ring railing and is breathing heavily.
Steve Hebert: Lex, are you okay?!
Lex Robinson: I'm... I'm fine. Ow. Good heavens.
Steve Hebert: We have only three people left: Kelvin Coolidge, Mike Phantasy and Chris Extreme, who is laying beside us, bleeding profusely.
Lex Robinson: Oh man, that hurt.
Steve Hebert: It's unfortunate that you didn't break your neck. Anyhow...
Mike Phantasy and Kelvin Coolidge remain to be the only people left in the ring. They both slowly rise to their feet, using the ropes to help them stand; with Mike facing the announcers, viewing Chris Extreme annihilated on the floor.
Lex Robinson: Ugghh... okay, I think I'm back.
Steve Hebert: Finally.
Lex Robinson: [coughs] All right, here we go. Mike and Kelvin are on their feet, much like me. They turn around and face each other, Mike aware of Chris' state. Kelvin pays no mind, though, as he instantly goes on the offensive, attacking Mike Phantasy.
Steve Hebert: Damn right. Kelvin just wants to dish out some punishment, no wonder he's the Ultraviolence Champion. Pounding Mike Phantasy, Kelvin backs him against the corner and starts choking the life out of him. Show him some of that ultraviolence, Kelvin! Show him why you're the President of the United States!
Lex Robinson: Punching Mike, Kelvin whips him across the ring, into the opposite set of turnbuckles. Rushing in here, Mike jumps onto the middle turnbuckles and leaps back, trying to moonsault onto an incoming Kelvin Coolidge. However, Kelvin hits the deck, resulting in Mike eating dirt!
Steve Hebert: A place quite common for Mike Phantasy! He deserves it for what he did earlier in the night... by defeating Casanova.
Lex Robinson: Aw, shut it.
Steve Hebert: Kelvin may be a drunk, but he shows his quick wits by immediately attacking Mike Phantasy with a flurry of stomps. Yes, flurry, not a furry.
Lex Robinson: ...Okay?
Steve Hebert: Fuck off, I'm calling the action, Lex. Kelvin lifts Mike Phantasy up, punches him in the throat and lifts him onto his shoulders. He's so close to becoming the Ultimate Survivor and becoming the new World Champ, he can taste it. It's even tastier than this fine Molson Canadian Beer. Canada has the best beer, Lex, did you know it?
Lex Robinson: So I hear.
Nailing a rolling Samoan Drop, Kelvin stands back up and returns to stomping on Mike, until he is trapped against the corner. In here, Kelvin uses his right foot to choke Mike, even striking him with some more stomps, wishing to stomp a mudhole in him.
Steve Hebert: I think Mike Phantasy is on fire and Kelvin is trying to stomp him out. Or at least that's what it looks like!
Lex Robinson: Kelvin Coolidge backs up, just as Chris Extreme begins to stir beside us. In any event, Kelvin charges in... and Bronco Busters Mike Phantasy!
Steve Hebert: Just slapping his yambag across Mike Phantasy's face! It wouldn't be the first time Mike has had a face full of testicles, I'm sure.
Lex Robinson: Over and over again, Kelvin slams his crotch into Mike, almost pulling a page out of Chris Extreme's book.
Steve Hebert: Considering the blood soaking on Extreme's boxers, I doubt he'll be doing anything like that anytime soon.
Finished with Mike Phantasy, Kevin removes himself from the corner and drags him into the center of the ring. Grabbing onto Mike's legs, Kelvin appears to be setting him up for the Boston Crab...
Lex Robinson: Mike is trying to fight it off, wiggling around on the canvas, hoping to break free! The fans are egging him on, rallying behind him... and wait, here comes Chris Extreme, who rolls into the ring, staggering to his feet...
Steve Hebert: Shit! Chris double-axehandles Kelvin from behind! Swinging Kelvin around, Chris atomic drops him, bounces off the ropes and returns with a reverse-bulldog!
Lex Robinson: Chris covers Kelvin Coolidge, bloodied cock and all...!
The referee counts...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: Only a two-count! Kelvin kicks out!
Steve Hebert: Thank God almighty!
Lex Robinson: Chris Extreme sits Kelvin up, gives him some knees to the back, stands Kelvin up and then strikes with some short-arm strikes. Pulling Kelvin into him, Chris goes for a suplex...
Steve Hebert: No! Kelvin is hoisted in the air... only to knee Chris in the face! Deservedly so, might I add.
Lex Robinson: Landing on his feet, Kelvin strikes... with a terrifying kick to the crotch of Chris Extreme! Right now, that's the perfect place to strike, all things considered.
Steve Hebert: You mean with Chris' half-ripped, mangled cock?
Lex Robinson: Pretty much, yes.
Hunched over, Chris falls to his knees. However, this enables Mike Phantasy to get to his feet, run towards Chris and Kelvin, jump onto a bent-over Chris Extreme's shoulders and fly into the air!
Lex Robinson: Hurricanrana from nowhere, by Mike Phantasy!
Steve Hebert: He was supposed to be out of the picture!
Lex Robinson: He was, but not anymore! Jumping right back up, Mike goes right after Kelvin, his teammate as of several minutes ago. Things have drastically changed, though, as it all comes down to the World Title. Only one man can walk out as World Champion and it's going to be one of these guys!
Mike goes all out on Kelvin, giving him a spin-wheel kick just as he stands. Laying him out with a front-face sit-down suplex, Mike jumps right back up, stomps at Kelvin and goes to charge towards the ropes...
Lex Robinson: Mike Phantasy is going for a springboard moonsault...
Steve Hebert: Whoa... wait! Kelvin pops up, lunges towards Mike and pushes him forward, just as he jumps onto the middle rope! That sends Mike hurdling over the top rope and landing on the ring apron! Dragging Mike to his feet, with a hand full of hair, Kelvin drags him into the corner and lifts him up onto the top turnbuckle. Mike Phantasy's going to get it, now!
Lex Robinson: Mike struggles to fight back, but Kelvin overpowers him, using his fists to do the talking! Giving Mike some repeated headbutts, Kelvin turns around, setting him up Thirty Degrees Celsius! This is going to be it!
Steve Hebert: Mike is hanging on, though, refusing to go down...
This delay gives Chris Extreme the chance to stand. Seeing Kelvin turned, facing him on the second rope, Chris rushes in, going for his Cock Factor, mutilated penis and all.
Lex Robinson: Here comes Chris Extreme...
Steve Hebert: Kelvin strikes him with 2 feet, like a freakin' mule! Chris Extreme goes stumbling back!
Lex Robinson: This allows for Kelvin to grab onto Mike and jump off the top rope...
Kelvin Coolidge jumps through the air, extends his legs and hits Chris Extreme with a flying dropkick, while nailing Mike Phantasy with Thirty Degrees Celsius!
Steve Hebert: Someone just turned up the heat because Kelvin Coolidge just took out Mike Phantasy!
Lex Robinson: And dropkicks Chris Extreme into the corner! He makes the cover on Mike; this could be it!
Kelvin hooks a leg, while the referee counts, with the fans jeering.
...1...
Lex Robinson: One...!
...2...
Lex Robinson: Two...!
...3!
Lex Robinson: Three!
Steve Hebert: Mike Phantasy is out of here! We're down to our final two!
Lex Robinson: The fans are on their feet. There's just two people left, vying to become the Ultimate Survivor! It's down to Chris Extreme and Kelvin Coolidge! Can Chris become the first two-time winner? Can Kelvin become both the Ultraviolence Champ and World Champion?!
Steve Hebert: As long as it's not Mike Phantasy, I'm glad.
Mike Phantasy rolls out of the ring, disappointed with his elimination. He retreats to the back, while Chris Extreme stands in one corner, breathing hard, with blood running down his leg. In the opposite corner, Kelvin also rises, cackling at his elimination of Mike Phantasy.
Lex Robinson: It's the final two. There's been blood, brawling, fighting, Zimdela tearing shit up; and even me nearly getting crushed to death!
Steve Hebert: If only.
Lex Robinson: In no hurry, Kelvin and Chris walk toward each other and they start brawling! They go right after each other, trying to beat the life out of each other! Kelvin with some right hands to Chris Extreme, who returns with some punches of his own. Kelvin strikes with some forearms and then goes to whip Chris into the ropes... it's reversed! Swinging the back of his arm at Kelvin, looking to take him down, Chris Extreme misses completely!
Steve Hebert: Good, which means Kelvin rushes into the next set of ropes. He returns, at full speed, headed towards Chris... who drops down and punches him in the cock! Ow! There's been way too many cock punches tonight!
Lex Robinson: Rotating around, standing at the top of Kelvin's head, Chris grabs him... and begins pounding his face off his penis! This backfires, though; all thanks to Zimdela Brudon! Kelvin is aware of this and he pounces, grabbing Chris by both arms, trying to get him up into a Vertebreaker position...
Steve Hebert: Yes! Kill him! Break his neck!
Lex Robinson: Steve Hebert, once a staunch Chris Extreme supporter, is now screaming for his blood.
Steve Hebert: Well, no, I just want to see someone crippled in that ring.
Hastily becoming aware of the danger he's in, Chris squirms, trying to free himself, but it's all no good. Kelvin is able to lift him upside-down, held in the Vertebreaker position. Luckily, he's able to flip backward and land safely on his knees.
Lex Robinson: Escaping the Vertebreaker situation, Chris goes behind Kelvin, only to have him turn around and simply and swiftly kick Chris in the face!
Steve Hebert: Right in the mouth!
Lex Robinson: Irish-whipping Chris into the corner, Kelvin follows in, delivering a running-elbow to the jaw, allowing for Chris to come stumbling out, walking right into a Triangle Choke!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Kelvin is going to become the World Champion and the Ultimate Survivor by making Chris Extreme tap the fuck out!
Lex Robinson: If he were smart, he'd focus on Chris'... uh... his cock.
Steve Hebert: This is good enough, Lex. Chris Extreme will be tapping out soon enough.
Writhing in pain, Chris rolls on the canvas, trying to free himself, the fans actually rallying loudly behind him. First, he gets on his knees and then he slowly stands to his feet, with Kelvin's legs still wrapped around his head and arm.
Lex Robinson: Chris has steadily risen. Can he escape?!
Using all of his strength, he pulls up on Kelvin...
Lex Robinson: Chris Extreme powerbombs Kelvin Coolidge!
Steve Hebert: But Kelvin still has the hold applied! He refuses to let go!
For the second time in a row, Chris Extreme lifts Kelvin up...
Lex Robinson: That's fine; Chris powerbombs him again!
Steve Hebert: Still, the hold is kept on! There's no escaping!
As his energy depletes, Chris falls back to his knees. Using the only method he can, he begins to bite on Kelvin Coolidge's thigh!
Lex Robinson: Chris Extreme is biting on Kelvin's leg! This releases him!
Steve Hebert: Goddamnit. I should have known.
Lex Robinson: With a gash in his leg that resembles a vagina, Kelvin Coolidge stands, in a rack of pain. Pulling Kelvin in, Chris standing headscissors him and holds him up, nailing a straitjacket piledriver!
Steve Hebert: Oh no!
Lex Robinson: Chris makes the cover!
The referee counts...
Steve Hebert: This isn't good...
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: One... two...
Steve Hebert: Kelvin kicks out!
The crowd gasps, not believing Kelvin has kicked out, after being dropped straight on his skull.
Lex Robinson: That was so close! Even Chris can't believe it.
Lifting Kelvin up, Chris kicks him in the stomach and then goes to short-arm clothesline him...
Steve Hebert: The President ducks! He goes around Chris Extreme, spins him around and facebusters him! Like his own mini-Cock Factor! Just without the face full of crotch.
Lex Robinson: Both Chris and Kelvin are down, having fought a long, hard battle. Chris and Kelvin roll over, taking a deep breath. They look at each other and stand up, beginning to exchange punches.
Chris slugs Kelvin across the face with a fist...
Lex Robinson: Chris punches Kelvin. Kelvin fires back with a punch of his own! But Chris returns another punch!
Steve Hebert: And Kelvin is just as fast to reply with one of his own, as well! This is nuts! They're going back-and-forth, striking each other, until they're both in a daze. They bounce off opposite ropes and charge at each other... they both strike with headbutts!
Lex Robinson: Ouchies! Kelvin and Chris stumble back, holding their cranium, but it doesn't hold them down for long. Again, they face each other, with Kelvin blocking a kick from Chris Extreme, resulting in Chris throwing a punch at him.
Steve Hebert: That's also blocked!
Lex Robinson: Pulling Chris in, Kelvin nails a reverse Russian legsweep! Rolling through, he makes a cover on Chris...
The referee counts...
...1...
Lex Robinson: One...!
Steve Hebert: Yes!
...2...
Lex Robinson: Two...!
Steve Hebert: C'mon...
...
Lex Robinson: Chris gets his shoulder up!
Steve Hebert: Damnit!
Lex Robinson: That's probably what Kelvin Coolidge says, too. Arguing with the referee, demanding a faster count, Kelvin takes his eyes off Chris.
Steve Hebert: No! Turn around, Kelvin. Focus on Extreme.
Lex Robinson: Although he's dazed, Chris rolls behind Kelvin and schoolboys him!
Steve Hebert: Chris Extreme is molesting a schoolboy!
The referee counts.
...1...2...
Lex Robinson: There's one... two...
Steve Hebert: Kelvin frantically kicks out! That was too close, holy crap.
Springing to his feet, Kelvin grabs Chris Extreme, angrily strikes him several times and then applies a reverse-waistlock.
Lex Robinson: Kelvin is attempting a German suplex...
At the last second, Chris reverses it and swings behind Kelvin!
Lex Robinson: It's reversed! He goes for a German suplex of his own...
Steve Hebert: No, no, no! Kelvin grounds himself, plants his feet to the canvas, thwarting Chris' attempt! Sending some elbows to Extreme's temples, Kelvin finds liberty, pushes Chris Extreme's faggy, old man hands away, spins around and goes for a stunner!
Lex Robinson: Chris halts that, though! He pushes Kelvin into the ropes, shoving himself free from trouble! As Kelvin returns, Chris kicks him in the gut... and goes for a stunner of his own!
Steve Hebert: Hell no! This time, it's Kelvin that stops the attempt! He swings Chris around, knees him and scoops him upside-down, looking for a Tombstone Piledriver!
Shaking his legs, Chris forces Kelvin to bend backwards, ultimately reversing the Tombstone, so that Chris has Kelvin scooped upside-down!
Lex Robinson: Chris with the reversal! He has Kelvin and is going to tombstone him!
Fortunately for Kelvin, he is able to shake his way to safety by pushing himself onto Chris Extreme's shoulders. From here, he's able to slide behind Chris and then push him straight into the turnbuckles!
Lex Robinson: The crowd is going insane! Kelvin decks Chris Extreme in the back of his head and throws him into the corner. Running at full speed, Kelvin connects with a double running-knee to Chris in the corner, bashing Chris in the chest!
Steve Hebert: He's sitting him on the top rope. He's going for the same move that he eliminated Mike Phantasy with!
Lex Robinson: Uh oh. Kelvin climbs up alongside Chris Extreme, bashes him with some punches and hollers at the crowd, who responds with heavy jeering! The Ultraviolence Champion is going for maximum damage, as he hooks on to Chris's face...
Steve Hebert: He's going to hit it! Kelvin is going to become the new World Champion! He'll be the Ultimate Survivor!
Before Kelvin can leap off the turnbuckles, Chris stops him with punches to the ribcage.
Lex Robinson: Not if Chris Extreme has a say! The fans are on their feet, as Chris fights back, turning Kelvin back around, facing him. Chris grabs him...
Steve Hebert: Kelvin is punching at Chris, trying to fight him off...!
Lex Robinson: Chris shrugs off the blows! He grabs ahold of Kelvin's skull...
Steve Hebert: Oh no...
Lex Robinson: He dives through the air... Cock Factor on Kelvin Coolidge! Oh my God!
Steve Hebert: Nooooo!
Lex Robinson: Turning Kelvin over, Chris sits on Kelvin's chest, leaving a trail of blood on him! He hooks a leg...!
The referee drops down, excitedly counting...
...1...
Lex Robinson: One...!
...2...
Lex Robinson: Two...!
...
Steve Hebert: No, no, no...
...3!
Lex Robinson: Three! He has done it! Chris Extreme has become the new World Champion! For the second time, he has become the Ultimate Survivor! This is amazing! The fans are on their feet! I can't believe it!
Steve Hebert: First, Horatio Q. is thrown out of power... and now this! I want to blow my head off.
The camera flickers to Crux at ringside, who still holds the shotgun, nodding approvingly. The referee gets the World Title and hands it off to Chris Extreme, who rolls around on the canvas, like a cat trying to scratch its back.
Lex Robinson: This is the second World Title change of the night! What a Christmas! Merry Christmas, everyone! Happy New Year!
Steve Hebert: Not for me.
Lex Robinson: Chris Extreme is bloodied, bruised and beaten... but he is the new World Champion, and that's all that matters. 2009 has come to an end, with Chris Extreme being crowned the Ultimate Survivor. We'll see you in 2010, fol--...
Before Lex can finish speaking, Chris Extreme's celebration is cut short. Thunder echoes throughout the arena as the beat to "Like Yeah (DT Remix)" by Tech N9ne starts. As the bass builds up, Declan's voice breaks through the cheers, boos, and drums:
"I can go out there tonight-- the materials you got-- make myself $15,000. Tonight! In two hours! Can you?"
A huge green pyrotechnic explodes in front of the entrance as Declan walks out in his ring attire, creating a huge ruckus!
Lex Robinson: Oh my God! It's Declan Turner! What's he doing here?!
Steve Hebert: He's here to call some people "faggots", Lex! He's like an angry, belligerent Santa Claus.
Lex Robinson: He's coming down to the ring! No one was expecting this!
Declan Turner cockily strides towards the ringside area, carrying a steel chair in his hand.
Steve Hebert: He has a chair! Yes! A chair! He's going to give Chris Extreme a chair for Christmas!
Lex Robinson: Uh oh...
Without saying a word, Declan slides into the ring with the chair. He views Chris Extreme standing to his feet, deciding to act.
Steve Hebert: Or maybe not! He slams the cair across Chris Extreme's skull! Holy goddamn, what a shot!
Lex Robinson: With a single shot, he takes out the World Champion! Now where's he going?!
Steve Hebert: He's headed out way. Maybe he has something to say.
The referee goes to stop Declan from exiting the ring; but Declan winds up and swings the chair at the referee's skull, knocking him out, as well!
Lex Robinson: Down goes the referee!
Steve Hebert: Haha, yes!
Hopping to the floor, still clutching the chair, Declan walks over to Lex Robinson.
Lex Robinson: What do you want, Declan? Why are you her--...
BAM!
Declan pops Lex with the chair, as well!
Steve Hebert: Hahahaha! Declan Turner just struck Lex Robinson with the chai--...
BAM!
He delivers one to Steve Hebert, too! Both announcers have been knocked unconscious.
Sliding back into the ring, he stands over a fallen Chris Extreme, who, at this point, doesn't look like the "Ultimate Survivor". The World Title lays next to Chris, while Declan stands over him, holding the chair in the air, getting jeered by the fans.
Carnage has been constructed everywhere. Fake snowflakes fall from the ceiling and tonight's show comes to an end, last showing Declan Turner towering over a fallen World Champion.
Sin Wrestling returns in 2010.
Winner: Chris Extreme
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began
Sing as their bones come marching in... again
The need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are at the ready
Are you ready?
I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
The wheel is spinning me
It's never-ending, never-ending
Same old story
And you made me moan
When you caused me to leave child
My happy home
But someday baby
You ain’t worry my life anymore
Suddenly from the back, a huge red 4x4 with chrome finish explodes out the back and races to the ring. As the music continues, Kelvin climbs out onto the roof of his car. Raising his arms to the crowd, he catches two cartons of milk and slams them together before drinking.
Everywhere I go
Where I lay my head
That’s where I call home
Whether barren pines
Or the mission stair
Take tomorrow’s collar
And give ‘em back the glare
Pulling out his shotgun from across his back, he fires it along with the music, while his dog claps in approval from the dashboard.
Vamonos, vamonos
Bang, bang, bang!
Vamonos, vamonos
Same Old Story
The words illuminate the screen for several seconds, as fog begins to roll
onto the stage and entrance ramp. As the initial notes of Foo Fighters’ “The Pretender” creep out of the speakers.
Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began
As the word “began” is spoken, the music cuts and the words on the SW-Screen fade slowly into the darkness. As soon as the last trace of them disappears, the screen erupts in a barrage of blurred color and the drums kick back in.
Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones come marching in... again
The need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are at the ready
Are you ready?
I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
Slowly, the house lights are raised.
Spinning infinity, boy
The wheel is spinning me
It's never-ending, never-ending
Same old story
Finally, Mike Phantasy emerges from the fog, greeted by a cheering crowd, apart from a few die-hard Mike Phantasy haters. Phantasy pauses while walking down the ramp to look around at the arena before him, grinning at the signs supporting him. He then looks toward the ring and makes his way down the aisle, his upbeat demeanor slowly melting into a solemn one. When finally inside the ring, Mike sits on the turnbuckle nearest to him and awaits the beginning of the match.
Woke animal feelings in me
Took over my sense and I lost control
I'll taste your blood tonight
You know I make you wanna run from me baby
But know it's too late you've wasted all your time
Woke animal feelings in me
Took over my sense and I lost control
I'll taste your blood tonight
You know I make you wanna run from me baby
But know it's too late you've wasted all your time
Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began
When the word “began” is spoken, the music cuts... drums roll...
Sing as their bones come marching in... again
The need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are at the ready
Are you ready?
I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
Slowly, the house lights are raised.
Spinning infinity, boy
The wheel is spinning me
It's never-ending, never-ending
Same old story
Finally, Mike Phantasy emerges from the fog, greeted by a cheering crowd, apart from a few die-hard Mike Phantasy haters. Phantasy pauses while walking down the ramp, making sure he doesn't trip in the twisted carnage left behind from the earlier blast. He looks toward the ring and makes his way down the aisle, his upbeat demeanor slowly melting into a solemn one. When finally inside the ring, Mike sits on the turnbuckle nearest to him and awaits the beginning of the match.
And you made me moan
When you caused me to leave child
My happy home
But someday baby
You ain’t worry my life anymore
Suddenly, from the back, a huge red 4x4 with chrome finish explodes out the back and races to the ring. As the music continues, Kelvin climbs out onto the roof of his car. Raising his arms to the crowd, he catches two cartons of milk and slams them together before drinking.
Everywhere I go
Where I lay my head
That’s where I call home
Whether barren pines
Or the mission stair
Take tomorrow’s collar
And give ‘em back the glare
Pulling out his shotgun from across his back, he fires it along with the music, while his dog claps in approval from the dashboard.
Vamonos, vamonos
Bang, bang, bang!
Vamonos, vamonos
Steve Hebert: That dog is going to shit on the floor one of these days.
I want you to see all that's inside
You'll get where you want
Take your hands off the wheel
You've got all you need on the inside
Just kill the headlights
Turn the radio up
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be- dum bum
What’s wrong with me?
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be- dum bum
Why do I feel like this?
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be- dum bum
I’m going crazy now.Put on your pretty lies, you're in the city of wonder
Ain't gon' play nice, watch out you might just go under
Better think twice, your train of thought will be altered
So if you must falter be wise
Disturbia, am I scaring you tonight?
Disturbia, ain't used to what you like
Disturbia, disturbia.
TEAM CREEP: 2
TEAM CASANOVA: 3
TEAM EXTREME: 3
TEAM CREEP: 2
TEAM CASANOVA: 2
TEAM EXTREME: 3
TEAM CREEP: 2
TEAM CASANOVA: 1
TEAM EXTREME: 3
TEAM CREEP: 1
TEAM CASANOVA: 1
TEAM EXTREME: 3
TEAM CASANOVA: 1
TEAM EXTREME: 3
TEAM EXTREME: 3
"You hear me you fuckin' faggots?!"